Thoughts And Prayers Jokes
46 thoughts and prayers jokes and hilarious thoughts and prayers puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thoughts and prayers that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Thoughts And Prayers Short Jokes
Short thoughts and prayers jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thoughts and prayers humour may include short prayer jokes also.
- In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends. Thoughts and prayers.
- Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.
- The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.
- Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend. Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.
- What do Christians do when they have a surplus of thoughts and prayers? They force schools to reopen.
- Thoughts and prayers are useless. Only action will prevent future tragedy. We have only one choice to make sure there are no future school shootings:
Ban all schools. - A friend once told me Don't get down on one knee for a girl that won't get down on two for you. I thought yeah, prayer is important.
- My dad gets mad that me and my brother don't do anything but lay around all day. He said "If I'd have known you boys would be this useless I would have named you thoughts and prayers"
- My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :( Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.
- Dez Bryant tore his Achilles today Heard people were sending him thoughts and prayers, but he dropped those too
Share These Thoughts And Prayers Jokes With Friends
Thoughts And Prayers One Liners
Which thoughts and prayers one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thoughts and prayers? I can suggest the ones about thoughts feelings and condolences.
- Somebody stole my diary and my rosary. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
- Sending your thoughts and prayers is the least you can do... Literally.
- Who is the most useless superhero? Thoughts and prayers man
- Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.
- Three things are constantly sent to heaven Thoughts, prayers, and school children
- Thoughts and prayers Can bring people back to life.
- As a man, I've renamed my n**... Thoughts and Prayers. ...because they're useless.
Thoughts And Prayers Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about thoughts and prayers you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hope jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thoughts and prayers pranks.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said e**....
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy.
Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now.
Nothing is going on, I'm just a narcissist.
New Alabama Preacher
The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"
No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." She invited him right in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be the residence of a young widow. When the Reverend knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers...
...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. "As you know, God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those s**... Polish jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, He says, "Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally coming out with it. "M&M's, " he pronounces.
"M&M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all that...but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger, and it's getting harder and harder to peel them."
Church squirrels
All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Why did the atheist cross the road? He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: Praying. Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back. Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Anyone else have funny jokes about Atheist? Random Fact: An Atheist "Invented" the light bulb. Also I found this jokes online.
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
h**... tries to get into Heaven
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.
Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.
St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.
St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.
St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.
St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...
and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have s**.... She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.
After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.
Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says:
"Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
(Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)
The man that desired to understand women
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.
But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.
On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.
When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the blessing on the dinner. I prayed for about ten minutes, the holiest prayer I could think of.
On the way out to the car, she quipped "I never knew you were so religious!" I replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
Muslim Band
I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
A man goes to confession
He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."
"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.
"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get n**.... I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."
"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."
So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.
"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"
A drunk's prayer...
A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
Golf Joke
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to tee off when he sees a f**... procession on the road next to the golf course. He pauses, removes his hat, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
The man shrugs then replies, Yeah, well we *were* married for 35 years.
A giant music concert promoter is planning to take a life-like, four-dimensional hologram of Michael Jackson on a world concert tour...
Our thoughts and prayers go out to nearby venue-area hospitals.
The tribespeople wanted to be left alone; the m**... thought they needed Jesus and went to the remote island even when specifically warned not to; So they killed him.
Thoughts and prayers.
Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.
A Christian m**... goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost
So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!
He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a believer as well. I'm so glad, for a moment I thought that you might eat me
The lion responds: Quiet, please! Don't interrupt my mealtime prayer!