thought Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thought puns

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

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As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

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My wife asked if I thought she should get a breast augmentation. I said I love her body just the way it is. She asked if I ever wished she had been born with big tits.

I said nah, babies with big tits freak me out.

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I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

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Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

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I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

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What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

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I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

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I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

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2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

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An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

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I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

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I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

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My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

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_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

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What are the most funny Thought jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thought? Well, here are the best Thought dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thought pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes