Thou Shalt Not Jokes
23 thou shalt not jokes and hilarious thou shalt not puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thou shalt not that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Thou Shalt Not Short Jokes
Short thou shalt not jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thou shalt not humour may include short thou shalt jokes also.
- Why didn't Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts? He kept telling the students,, "Thou shalt not pass."
- Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'... but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.
- During confession I told my priest I'd been shooting up a designer drug called "Jesus Christ". He said "Ten Hail Mary's. Thou shalt not take god's name in vein."
- Why do bartenders refuse to give free drinks to pigs? Because thou shalt not throw alms to the swine
- My Wife Got Angry I Was m**... Our Neighbor I told her but the bible says "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself".
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Thou Shalt Not One Liners
Which thou shalt not one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thou shalt not? I can suggest the ones about thou and commandments.
- Thou shalt wear a mask Hygenesis 20:20
Thou Shalt Not Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about thou shalt not you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shalt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thou shalt not pranks.
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins
After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."
A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen
And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.
"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".
After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who the thief was?
"Well, as it happened, when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left it"
I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy's who has the exact same one
I figured he'd never suspect me…
The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..
I said I have to be honest…
I just came today specifically to take my buddy's hat…
So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one about … Thou shalt not steal… you probably had second thoughts
No - Actually, when you got to the part about adultery…
I remembered where I left my hat…
My h**...-addicted friend
I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing h**.... Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected. After all, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vein.
An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.
The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.
Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"
A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..
As he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee.
The young nun looks up at the priest and says, Father, remember Luke 14:10.
The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.
Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, Remember Luke 14:10, Father.
The priest apologizes, The flesh is weak.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14:10.
Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!
[religious] [nsfw] a priest is driving a nun home.
On the way, he puts his hand on her leg. Noticing this, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest apologizes and returns his hand to the wheel.
A few minutes later he tries again, sliding his hand higher up her leg. Again, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." "The flesh is weak," he says, and withdraws his hand.
When the priest gets home, he opens his Bible to Luke 14:10 -- "Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory."
Credit goes to the movie Miss Sloane, which I whole heartedly recommend :) plus she tells it better
A Jewish man lost his bike...
and went to his rabbi for advice. "Next week come to services and sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy." After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice had worked or not. "So, did it work?" he asked the man. "Like a charm," the man answered. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I had left my bike!"
A guy gets his bike stolen from synagogue...
He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,
"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"
The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:
"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. Aand when we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes and that's your guy."
The rabbi is very pleased with his suggestion, and so is the man. At the next service, the rabbi is very curious to learn whether his advice panned out. He waits for the man by the doors of the synagogue, and asks him,
"So, did it work?"
"Like a charm," the man answers. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
Complements of the book, "The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely
God's commandments (x-post classic4chan)
God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.
First he tried the French.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery."
"No thank you."
God then tried the Romans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal."
"No thank you."
Then God tried the Germans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill."
"No thank you."
Finally God tried the Jews.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"How much?"
"How much...? Well, eh, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"
"We'll take ten!"
The 10 Commandments
So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."
God sends an angel down from Heaven...
...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"
"Well, what are they?" asked the French
"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel
"Bah, we're not interested" the French scoffed, and he waved the angel away. Next the angel went to the Germans and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Germans asked.
"Thou shalt not kill" said the angel
"Thou shalt not kill?" said the Germans "I think not" And they waved the angel off
Next the angel went to the Italians and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Italians asked.
"Thou shalt not steal" said the angel
"Ah, go away" Said the Italians, and they waved the angel off
Then the angel went to the Jews and said "Look, I've got these commandments..."
"How much are they?" asked the Jews
"They're free"
"We'll take ten"
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."