The Best 88 Thou Jokes

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

I thought I would go and help out in Africa

...turns out they have enough aids.

Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?

I thought for my whole life that air was free...

...then I bought a bag of chips.

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

If you've ever thought women are the weaker sex..

You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night

I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

I'm having second thoughts about booking time to visit an Indian community.

I guess I'm having reservation reservation reservations.

Thought up this one in class today. (OC) "What did the one gravedigger say to the other as they lowered the body of a patronizing embezzler into his grave?"

"It's always nice to see a condescending con descending".

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?

"Lettuce prey"

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a fetish where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.

Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline

But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day

I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui

But oh how the tables have turned.

I thought I hated my haircut

But it's starting to grow on me.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday...

Turns out it was just a dog.

I thought about opening up a cemetery...

but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

Thought I saw Christian Bale...

I couldn't tell, though. It was a really dark night.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following:

**HIRES**

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.

I thought chiropractors were a waste of money

But I stand corrected.

I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

I thought about buying a pocket calculator

and then I thought who care how many pockets I have

I thought about another woman while having sex with my wife

so to make up for it...

I thought of my wife while having sex with another woman.

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

3840x2160

Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I thought up a color that doesn't exist...

It's just a pigment of my imagination.

I thought about getting a brain transplant

But then i changed my mind

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

I thought removing a snail's shell would make it faster...

Turns out, it only makes it more sluggish.

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

I always thought soy milk...

was just introducing itself in Spanish

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then

WHAM!

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

I always thought the brain was the most important organ...

... then I realized what organ was telling me that.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl

but then I whipped out my credit card.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

I never thought I'd be a good executioner...

But here I am, killing it.

I thought I would say 'I love you!' to my problems

Maybe they would run away too

A black man is lost in a desert

A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.

The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."

God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."

And God turns him into a toilet.

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....

Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?

It hurts to bite their tongue.

Thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn't be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva...

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing I'm a Believer ...

Then I saw her face...

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

I thought chiropractors were a big hoax

But I stand corrected.

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

I thought I'd make a joke about fencing

but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"

I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf.

I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.