Thou Jokes

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.
Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

I thought I would go and help out in Africa

...turns out they have enough aids.

I thought for my whole life that air was free...

...then I bought a bag of chips.

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

If you've ever thought women are the weaker s**.....

You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night

I thought bill gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

Thought up this one in class today. (OC) "What did the one gravedigger say to the other as they lowered the body of a patronizing embezzler into his grave?"

"It's always nice to see a condescending con descending".

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?
"Lettuce prey"

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline

But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day

I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui

But oh how the tables have turned.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

I thought about opening up a cemetery...

but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?
Ask them to pronounce the following:
**HIRES**

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.

I thought chiropractors were a waste of money

But I stand corrected.

I thought about making a s**... tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

I thought about buying a pocket calculator

and then I thought who care how many pockets I have

I thought about another woman while having s**... with my wife

so to make up for it...
I thought of my wife while having s**... with another woman.

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I thought up a color that doesn't exist...

It's just a pigment of my imagination.

I thought about getting a brain transplant

But then i changed my mind

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

I thought of having a t**...

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

I once thought I had a japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then

WHAM!

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

I always thought the brain was the most important o**......

... then I realized what o**... was telling me that.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.

I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

I never thought I'd be a good executioner...

But here I am, killing it.

I never thought it was possible for clocks to have s**...

But when the time came, I finally knew

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

Thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking w**... at a family gathering....

.....but the i**... part would be the gathering.

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn't be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva...

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing I'm a Believer ...

Then I saw her face...

I thought chiropractors were a big hoax

But I stand corrected.

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Never thought a foot doctor would help…

…now I stand corrected.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I thought we had something.

You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you're "a waitress " who was "doing her job"

I thought up this fibonacci joke ..

But it's worse than my last two combined

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.

I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…

Turns out it's boring

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

At first, I thought Chiropractors are a scam ...

but now, I stand corrected.

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It's really hard to pull it off.

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

Thought For The Day....

**Are old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs simply retired mermaids?**