Thou Jokes

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?

(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth.

Then it became a parent.

I thought for my whole life that air was free...

...then I bought a bag of chips.

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

I thought bill gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

Thought up this one in class today. (OC) "What did the one gravedigger say to the other as they lowered the body of a patronizing embezzler into his grave?"

"It's always nice to see a condescending con descending".

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?
"Lettuce prey"

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui

But oh how the tables have turned.

I thought about getting a pocket calculator...

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday...

Turns out it was just a dog.

I thought about opening up a cemetery...

but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

Thought I saw Christian Bale...

I couldn't tell, though. It was a really dark night.

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

3840x2160

Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

You know, I thought they were joking when they told me about the clowns.

But then I saw them debating on national TV.

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

I always thought soy milk...

was just introducing itself in Spanish

I once thought I had a japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then

WHAM!

I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

You know, i never really thought our daughter would go farther than our son.

Yeah, turns out trebuchets are superior to catapults after all.

I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl

but then I whipped out my credit card.

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

I thought I would say 'I love you!' to my problems

Maybe they would run away too

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....

Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?
It hurts to bite their tongue.

Thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva...

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out. It turns out you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.

Never thought a foot doctor would help…

…now I stand corrected.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I thought up this fibonacci joke ..

But it's worse than my last two combined

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.

I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…

Turns out it's boring

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It's really hard to pull it off.

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.