Thou Jokes
96 thou jokes and hilarious thou puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thou that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to roll with laughter as you read some of our best "Thou Jokes"! Featuring puns on "Thou Shalt Not" commandments, Beastie Boys references, and clever uses of the word "covet," these jokes are sure to get laughter out of even the most devout Apostle. Read on and enjoy!
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Funniest Thou Short Jokes
Short thou jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thou humour may include short thee jokes also.
- Why didn't Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts? He kept telling the students,, "Thou shalt not pass."
- Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment? Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.
- Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'... but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.
- I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty it goes against what I've been taught.
Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife.. - Thou shouldst never accepth a can containing an alcoholic beverage from this person Shakesbeer.
- Middle Ages Joke Flower: I will droop my petals a little.
Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT. - Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.
- One day... God came to Jake and said," Come forth my child, and thou shall receive eternal youth." But Jake came fifth and won a toaster.
- I hate it when my sister acts all holier-than-thou I know we both have the same number of holes
- During confession I told my priest I'd been shooting up a designer drug called "Jesus Christ". He said "Ten Hail Mary's. Thou shalt not take god's name in vein."
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Thou One Liners
Which thou one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thou? I can suggest the ones about thyme and thirst.
- Thou shalt wear a mask Hygenesis 20:20
- I can't get my network printer to work Oh Brother, where art thou?
- Does thou dear mother know thy are a horse? Nay.
- The Third Commandment "Don't believeth everything thou readst on the Internet"
- Jesus: love thou neighbor! Me: how about I just stick with the neighbor's wife?
- Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Romeo: New phone, who's this?
- What makes thooooou superior? It's holier than thou.
- What did Shakespeare say to Yoda? Methinks that thou cannot with grammar speak.

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Thou Jokes
What funny jokes about thou you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ouch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thou pranks.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Thought of this whilst snacking.
If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?
(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth.
Then it became a parent.
I thought for my whole life that air was free...
...then I bought a bag of chips.
Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day
Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...
until I learned it goes in the front.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you've ever thought women are the weaker s**.....
You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night
I thought bill gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.
But he kept his Word.
Thought up this one in class today. (OC) "What did the one gravedigger say to the other as they lowered the body of a patronizing embezzler into his grave?"
"It's always nice to see a condescending con descending".
(OC) one I thought up this morning
What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?
"Lettuce prey"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.
Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui
But oh how the tables have turned.
I thought about getting a pocket calculator...
...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.
Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday...
Turns out it was just a dog.
I thought about opening up a cemetery...
but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
Thought I saw Christian Bale...
I couldn't tell, though. It was a really dark night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just thought up a really nerdy joke...
How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?
Ask them to pronounce the following:
**HIRES**
I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...
How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?
I thought I liked spheres
then I realized they're pointless.
Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought about making a s**... tape the other day...
...until I realized it would just be a Vine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought about another woman while having s**... with my wife
so to make up for it...
I thought of my wife while having s**... with another woman.
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
He was dead Sirius.
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
3840x2160
Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?
Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.
I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..
but she's already had her face on a Bill.
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
You know, I thought they were joking when they told me about the clowns.
But then I saw them debating on national TV.
Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.
And he says I'm fine.
I always thought soy milk...
was just introducing itself in Spanish
I once thought I had a japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier
Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then
WHAM!
I had a thought the other day
Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing
How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
I thought Friday was a sad day...
Turns out the next day was a sadder day.
I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.
So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered
I thought opening a door for a woman was polite
But she just screamed and flew out of the plane
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always thought the brain was the most important o**......
... then I realized what o**... was telling me that.
You know, i never really thought our daughter would go farther than our son.
Yeah, turns out trebuchets are superior to catapults after all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...
Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thought I'd be able to have s**... with my wife after we got married.....
Turns out I still have to pay to have a chance at her lootbox.
I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,
but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.
I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.
Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl
but then I whipped out my credit card.
A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.
After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".
I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take
I thought I would say 'I love you!' to my problems
Maybe they would run away too
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man is lost in a desert
A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.
The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."
God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."
And God turns him into a toilet.
Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..
We screw, we nut, we bolt.
I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.
I was right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought I had Covid 19 so I decided to give it a go and I injected myself with bleach...
Surprisingly I'm all white now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have s**...
But when the time came, I finally knew
If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...
Reservations about reservations on the reservation.
Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.
Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice
I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.
Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....
Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?
It hurts to bite their tongue.
Thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking w**... at a family gathering....
.....but the i**... part would be the gathering.
I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.
And then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva...
If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...
...just imagine what alcohol will do!
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.
Unfortunately, it didn't work out. It turns out you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.
Never thought a foot doctor would help…
…now I stand corrected.
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,
but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
I thought up this fibonacci joke ..
But it's worse than my last two combined
I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.
Then I saw her face.
I thought of a joke about capitalism.
But not all of you would get it.
I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…
Turns out it's boring
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
It's really hard to pull it off.
I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.
Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thought For The Day....
**Are old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs simply retired mermaids?**

