this could be heaven Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious this could be heaven puns

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old couple went to heaven...

...after spending 60 years being married. When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have." The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment. "You'll never find anywhere better!" George said. Looking at this, the woman was overjoyed, but the man seemed slightly angry. Then the saint showed them an extremely long buffet table. "You can find any food in the world here!" He said and the woman was delighted, but the old man seemed even more livid. Then, St. George showed them a gigantic boulevard, filled with mansions with outstanding architecture. "Choose any one you like!" George said. The woman couldn't have been happier, but the man has a complete fit of rage and storms off. After his wife finds him, she asks him what's wrong, and he yells "If it wasn't for you damn bran muffins, I could've been here *years* ago!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Lawyer and a Priest Go Golfing

A lawyer and a priest tee off on the first hole of their game. The lawyer screws up his swing and exclaims "Damn! Missed!" The priest warns him, "You should not say such things under the eyes of the almighty." The lawyer shrugs this off as they continue. On the next hole the lawyer makes another terrible shot, "Damn! Missed!" he exclaims once again. Once again the Priest warns him, "You risk invoking the wrath of God if you continue your blasphemy sir."
They arrive at the third hole and once more, "DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"
Suddenly the sky darkened with clouds, the temperature dropped to a chill, and before either golfer could comment on it, a lightning bolt from the heavens blazed down and fried the priest to a crisp. The lawyer then heard a deep, loud voice from beyond the horizon, "DAMN, MISSED."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A golfer and heaven

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three politicians go to heaven.

No, seriously, it could happen.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus and Moses are in Heaven fishing from a rowboat

As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles.

So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.

"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat.

"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"

"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these damn holes in my feet."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A meeting at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears before the second. "I have returned just as I said, but I have good news and bad news". "Give me the good news." says the second violinist. "The good news is there is a magnificent orchestra in Heaven, filled with the best players to ever live. In fact, there is a concert tomorrow." The second violinist is delighted by the news, and asks "what could possibly be the bad news?" the first violinist replies, "You're playing the solo."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The problem with getting married in heaven..

On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and
find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all, What if it doesn ' t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven. "

" Great , " says the couple, " but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven? "
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What ' s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Christ!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,

And desperate for a fuck.

So off she went into the woods,

To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,

When she saw some chimney smoke.

Then stumbled on a cottage,

And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.

And she'd just removed her pants,

When seven Dwarves came marching in,

With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,

And thought she was in heaven!

Originally after one good shag,

But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,

"My fanny need a lick!"

And when one dwarf moved forward,

She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!"

So down he went onto all fours,

And said "I ain't licking that!"

"Not there, that me arse-hole,

You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,

"Do we have to do it here?"

Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!

Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,

To prove he was no fool.

And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"

As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,

'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.

And due to his impatience,

He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",

So he did as he was told.

And as soon as he was hard enough,

He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow job,

And she took him in quite easy.

But she just avoided brain-damage,

Whe he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,

"You're next, I want your knob!"

But no sooner had he entered her,

Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"

She wanted more from him.

And he woke with such excitement,

That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,

And shagged her fanny raw.

And dazed Snow White then whimpered,

"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,

He was so big and thick.

"No wonder you're so HAPPY,

With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,

But feeling rather sore,

She said "You'll have to use your tongue,

My clit can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,

Where others had put their cocks.

And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,

She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,

With all that cum inside her quim,

So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,

And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,

And how they got their names,

By satisfying miss Snow White,

And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,

And that's what happened to that cup?

Well think of what you're drinking...

When you next buy 7-UP!!



-DISCLAIMER-

As much as I'd love to say I wrote this, I didn't.

Someone sent this masterpiece to me and I'm just passing it along.

If the original author is out there, let me thank you for this!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Baseball heaven?

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest gets into quicksand...

he notices he canΒ΄t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he could help him. Again the priest turns him down: "My faith will safe me." By now the priest is in the quicksand up to his chin. A third guy comes by and offers his help, the priest turns him down yet again. Finally, the priest dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to god and complains: "Lord, iΒ΄ve prayed for you to save me, yet you let me die in the quicksand!" God just looks him in the eye and says: "I sent three guys, wasnΒ΄t that help enough you moron?"

~~I hope this is no repost.~~

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[Request] Horrible Puns

One of my friends absolutely hates puns and cannot stand them. So of course I try to tell her at least one a day. I'm running out though, so could you help me out? I'll start:
"What do you call an angel burning to death?"
"A match made in heaven"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.

Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.

God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dad comes home from a long day at work

He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?

Child: nothing I was thinking about today

Dad: what happened today?

Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven

Dad: wait.... she was what? What you u mean?

Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming oh my god, I'm coming, I'm coming so I ran to her room to help her but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old baseball fans

Two old guys, Bob and Steve, are huge fans of baseball. As in, that was all they ever talked about. Bob was on his deathbed, when Steve told him something.

"Bob," he said, "When you get to Heaven, could you let me know if they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bob said "yes" and then passed away.


Three weeks later, as a still-grieving Steve was falling asleep, a sudden light from high up in heaven (!) shined down on him, and an angel from the lord was sent to Steve.

"Hey Steve," the angel, who was revealed to be Bob, said, "Great news!"

"Bob! What is it?!" Steve said.

"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that they *do have* baseball in Heaven."

"Whats the bad news?"

"You're pitching next week."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three explorers go into a jungle

Three explorers go into a jungle and get captured by a cannibal tribe. The cannibal tribe leader says they will release them if they can put ten fruits of the same kind in their butt holes without making a sound.

The first explorer got 10 apples, and began to scream in pain on his third apple, so they kill him.

The second explorer got 10 blueberries, and on his 9th blueberry, he began to laugh hysterically, so they killed him.

The second explorer meets the first explorer in heaven, and the first explorer asks "Why did you laugh? You could've survived and made it!"
The second explorer says "I saw the third explorer get pineapples!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."

Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"

"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."

Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A geek dies and goes to heaven.

After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about something I want to ask someone, and when I meet them, I can look it up again."

The angel says, "Dear brother, in heaven we do not need iPads to remember things for us, for we have perfect memory."

The geek replies, "But I heard rumors that in hell they have iPads. Why would they have them down there if we don't up here?"

The angel says simply, "Here's a telescope. See for yourself."

So the geek looks through the telescope. "Huh," he exclaims. "It looks like they're all looking for chargers!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, and Al Gore die and go to heaven.

In heaven, they are met by Saint Peter. He says "Only the pure may cross the river of life and enter the promised land." The River of Life is a wide, golden river, and heaven waits on the other side. "You must wade across, the river is deeper for those who's sins are greater. If you cross without drowning, you may enter heaven, if you cannot, the current will carry you down to hell." Peter says.

Al Gore figures he has nothing to lose, he had cared for planet Earth where so many did not. So he wades out and begins crossing. The water gets deeper and deeper, coming to his chest, but no higher. He crosses into heaven.

Bill Clinton comes next. He wades across the water, but the river only comes up to his stomach. "This isn't fair at all!" Al Gore says as Clinton is crossing, "How could Clinton possibly be less sinful than me?"

Clinton calls out "I'm Standing on Cheney's Shoulders!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have sex with another man but you"

Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.

"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."

"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"

"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."

Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.

"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A long joke about a monastery and a strange noise.

A travelling salesman is driving along a dusty backroad to his next sale, when his car starts belching smoke. He sees storm clouds coming his way and night is falling soon. Getting out of the car he looks around for shelter and sees an antiquated old monastery on a hill not 5 minutes walk away. He heads over and knocks on the door just as the rain starts falling and a kindly monk answers.
"Hi, my car is broken down on the road" says the salesman, "and I see a storm coming in. Can I stay the night and call a tow truck in the morning? I won't be any trouble..."
"not at all my good man" the kindly monk replied, "Come in! Come in! Lets get you a hot meal and some dry clothes!"

So the salesman is ushered into the church and given a wonderful bowl of hearty stew and bread to eat. Not realizing his hunger before the salesman devours the
food in between words of thanks.
"I don't know how I can repay you people..."
"well actually" said the kindly monk who answered the door, "our abbot bores so easily in the realitive solitude of our church, and he loves to talk with travelers"
"of course!" replied the salesman, "in return for this hospitality its the least i could do"

So the kindly monk leads the salesman deeper into the monastery and as he does he hears the faintest sound...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
But the salesman thinks its just the storm outside making noise and pays it no mind. He reaches the abbots quarters and meets a man seemingly as ancient as the building he runs who greets him with a smile and firm handshake.
The two speak to each other at length with hours seeming like minutes as the storm pounds the outside, and all the while the man hears that same noise...
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Eventually the conversation draws to a natural end and the abbot looks over the salesman's shoulder.
"good heavens, look at the time. we both should get some rest" the abbot commented, "the brother you met before will take you to your chambers for the night"

And so the salesman is taken to his spartan looking accommodations, and just as the kindly monk is leaving the room the salesman asks,
"by the way, i keep hearing this strange thumping sound all the time. Its that normal? What is that?"
The monk looks down at his feet, and for the first time since the salesman came into the monastery the smile falls from his face. He quickly stares at the floor and stammers,
"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about. Sleep well." Slamming the door behind him.

The salesmans sleep is restless as now the same sound as before stays next to him, breathing on his neck....
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
When dawn breaks the salesman calls a tow truck, and while waiting says his goodbyes and thank yous. Finally when the tow truck arrives he turns to the abbot and says,
"thank you so much for everything again, but I must ask; what is that strange thudding noise I hear? The storm is over yet I heard it clearly all night?"
The monk gains a sudden steel in his eyes and locks them dead onto the salesman.
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
And with that, bids him farewell.

The salesman finishes his route without incident, and heads home to his wife and child. But incessantly, as if by hearing it he could no longer un-hear it, at the quietest moments in his life, the salesman hears a soft
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

The seasons pass into years and the years pass into decades. The mans son grows and leaves to be his own man, and after decades of bliss the mans wife passes away peacefully in his arms one morning. As the life leaves his loves eyes the only sound heard is a simple
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

With a life now emptier the thudding becomes constant, unceasing, droning. When he sleeps, eats, shits
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally, standing it no longer the man drives all day and night to the same dirt road he so happened to break down upon and every mile, every town he passes as constant as the odometer
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally he reaches the monastery and knocks on the door and just as before a fresh faced kinly monk answers.
"I WISH TO JOIN YOUR ORDER" the man blurts before the monk can say anything. The monk gains a knowing smile and says no more, beckoning the man to follow him.

He leads the man on the same path he took those years and years before and directs him into the abbots room. Inside is the same man as the night he stayed before, looking not a day older.
"Please abbot." The man begged, "I can't stop hearing that thudding noise, night and day I can't escape it. Can't you let me know what it is?"
The abbot replies with the same steely matter-of-fact tone as he did all those years before,
"I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
"Thats what I feared your answer would be. Please then, let me become a monk so I can learn and get this sound from my head."
The abbot takes a long look, dripping with both hunger and pity and after a handful of breathes agrees."

The training is arduous and lengthy. The salesman is not a young man anymore and the demands, moth mental and physical task him to the core of his very being. He sleeps on stone, reads nothing but the texts of the obscure religious sect he wishes to join and eats nothing but gruel and through every minute, every blister, every headache, every pang of hunger the sound is there.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Finally after several years worth of trails the man finally is ready to be inducted. The moment after the ceremony inducting him is complete he bolts to the chambers of the abbot.
"There, I did it. I'm a member of the order. NOW TELL ME WHAT THAT NOISE IS."
"Are you sure you wish to know?" the abbot grimaces, "It will change the way you think of not just the order, or me, but everything."
"Yes!" the man cries "I've never been more sure of anything in my life!"
"Very well" replied the abbot. And with that the sound in the mans head lessened, as if the promise curiosity being fed was able to sate the beast, even if for a moment. But still, even though quieter it was still present.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

The abbot pulls a seemingly random book off the shelf behind him, and opens it. He reveals it to be hollow and pulls a monstrous set of keys from it and tucks them into his sleeve. He then pulls another book from the shelf and the shelf splits in half and opens like the doors in a supermarket with the sound of the grinding of ancient stone. Where the shelves used to be there is a door made of iron. The abbot pulls the set of keys out with an iron key extended, opens the door and swings it aside. As the man follows the abbot into the path behind the door he notices the sound getting louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

They walk along a dark and musty path, the air like a forgotten wine cellar or crypt with the abbot wordlessly staring forward with grim purpose. He reaches the next door, a door made of polished bronze, reflecting as perfectly as a mirror. He pulls out a bronze key from the keyring in his sleeve and opens the door. Sure enough as the man passes though, a little louder this time
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the bronze door came a staircase, down and down and down it went, until it seemed that they were descending into hell itself. Winding stairs, spiral stairs, branching stairs leading to nowhere and yet the two marched on, reaching a silver door. The abbot pulled out a silver key and as before set the door aside, making the sound ever louder.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

And then, it was time to climb. Yet the abbot, a man of innumerable years climbed as surefooted as a goat while the salesman followed behind, exhausted but determined not to give up now. At the apex of the climb, a door of gold was before them. The abbot then pulled a gold key, and in the grim routine as before, the door fell aside and the sound became ever louder. It seemed to be right next to them, a tangible force. A third person on this bizarre trek.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the golden door came a maze. Dizzying and seemingly endless, the abbot had no hesitation in his step and never second guessed himself. Hours passed in the maze as hours had passed in all the paths before and yet without ever turning around the abbot and the salesman reached a platinum door. As you can guess, platinum key, door, noise.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...
As the man walked into the next door he hesitated for the first time on his trip. The walls themselves seemed to be alive, screaming things in alien tongues as if the brick and mortar where being tortured. Grotesque faces in the masonry screamed as if every injustice upon earth was being visited upon them and yet somehow they could not drown out that sound, pounding louder than it ever had.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

After the hours that seemed of days in the pathway that screamed ceaselessly they reached a door, red and pulsing, as if made of some sort of flesh. The abbot pulled out a bony, fleshy....something from his keyring and inserted it into the door. All at once the walls stopped screaming, the flesh melted into nothing on the floor and the sound grew terrible and great. Louder and unchanged.
thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...

Behind the former wall of flesh was not another passage but a box. Wooden small and humble. The abbot pulled out one final key of wood and unlocked and opened the box. As he pulled the box open the sound became deafeningly loud and the man finally looked inside and gave a horrified scream.

And I'd love to tell you what was inside, but you're not a monk.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest was seated next to a little boy in an airplane, placed his hand on the boy's leg, and asked him, "Do you want to talk?...

... Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little boy, who had just started to read his book, brushed his hand away and replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about? Oh, I don't know, said the priest How about God, Heaven and how you will burn in Hell if you sin?"

OK, he said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is? The priest, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.

To which the little boy replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is a God, or Heaven or why I will burn in Hell if I sin, when you don't know shit? The little boy then went back to reading his book.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals..

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Baseball

Two old friends in their 80's John and Frank grew up together and always loved baseball since they were young. They went to the park everyday to feed the bids and talk about baseball.

One day, John turns to Frank and says, "Frank, do you think there is baseball in heaven?"

John think for a second then says, "Well how about this. Whichever one of us dies first will find out if there is
baseball in heaven, then come back as a ghost to tell the other one."

Frank agrees to this and they continue to feed the birds and talk.

Sadly, a few weeks later, Frank dies of a heart attack.

John kept going to the park to feed the birds, only now, he did it alone. After a few days, he hears a voice, "Joooooohn. Jooooooohn."

John is surprised at first, but then says, "Frank? Is that you?"

Frank responds, "Yeeesss. I've come back with good news and bad news."

John asks, "Oh my god Frank! I've missed you so much! What's the good news?"

Frank responds, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven."

John says, "Oh my god, that's amazing! What could possibly be the bad news?"

Frank says, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A plane crashes and everyone dies

And they all go to heaven. But almost everyone on this plane was either fat as can be or ugly as sin and they all had been bullied their entire lives due to this.
So god lines everyone up and says "You've all been good people but were treated terribly during life, so I will grant you one wish before you enter heaven."
The first guy thinks for a second and says "I wish I could spend eternity as a good looking man." and so god changes him into a good looking man and the guy happily goes through the pearly gates.
The second guy sees this and says "I wish to spend eternity as a good looking man!" and god obliges, but he starts to hear a faint giggle at the end of the line.

Each person in line wishes for the same thing: to be good looking. And after each wish the laughter gets louder and louder. So finally god gets to the end of the line to the laughing man and says "And what exactly is so funny?" and the guy says "I wish they were all ugly again!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot.

The second person comes back with 10 cherries and is told the same thing. He starts shoving them up his ass with no difficulty, but he starts laughing hysterically after the ninth cherry and is killed on the spot.


In heaven the two people meet, where the first person ask, "Why did you laugh, you could have gotten away?" "I saw the other guy come back with pineapples."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny This Could Be Heaven jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about This Could Be Heaven? Well, here are the best This Could Be Heaven dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and This Could Be Heaven pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes