Thirty Seconds Jokes
37 thirty seconds jokes and hilarious thirty seconds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thirty seconds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Thirty Seconds Short Jokes
Short thirty seconds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thirty seconds humour may include short 30 seconds jokes also.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
- My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday." - I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
- My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up. When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all." - I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute.... It's my thirty second birthday...
- What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute? Your thirty-second birthday.
- My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal" Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.
- I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...
- The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds
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Thirty Seconds One Liners
Which thirty seconds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thirty seconds? I can suggest the ones about thirty and 90 seconds.
- How can you tell whether or not someone vapes? Wait thirty seconds.
- Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest? the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones
- I don't have s**... any longer. ...than thirty seconds.
Comedy Thirty Seconds Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about thirty seconds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 30 cent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thirty seconds pranks.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poetry Contest
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that?! The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three w**... in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...
An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck a**...-first in the toilet.
"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"
After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.
"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."
"But Motti, look at me, I'm b**...-n**..., I can't have him see me like this!"
Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's c**..., thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:
"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"
"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from s**... for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any p**... on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."
three daughters
There was this dad that was an owner of a morgue that had three daughters. The dad went and picked up this guy from a heart attack. The dad told the three girls that they needed to fix and prep him for tomorrow. Well the first girl got a look at him and said he was a really charming looking guy. She pulled back his sheet and noticed he had a hard on. She thought to herself the only way to get this down was to "ride" him. So without hesitation she jumped on and rode him for thirty or so minutes. Tired and worn out and the guy still being hard the second sister jumps up and starts riding him really hard. For about thirty minutes she gets worn out. They both look at the third girl and ask her to ride him now. She looked at them and told them she couldn't because she was on her period. They both said it didn't matter because he was dead. So she hopped on rode him for another thirty minutes. Finally his hard on went down and all three girls started cheering. The guy Sat up and looked at all three girls. They asked him how he was alive. He replied well after two jump starts and blood fusion I'm alive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The poetry contest
There was a prestigious, international poetry contest held in a glamorous foreign city. Contestants had come from all over the world and by the end there was one man whom everyone thought was going to win and a camo-wearing, baccer-chewing r**... that everyone wondered what was doing there. In the final round of the competition, the contestants were given a word and had to come up with a poem in thirty seconds. During the very last round, the contestants stood at the podium and were given the word; Timbuktu.
The shoo-in went first. He thought for thirty seconds, then stepped up to the microphone and said:
"Across the desert, wind and sand,
Trekked the lonely caravan.
Men and camels, two by two,
Destination; Timbuktu."
The audience erupted with applause. When it died down, the r**... grinned and stepped to the microphone and without missing a beat he recited:
"Tim and me a-huntin' went.
Found three w**... in a popped-up tent.
Them was three and us was two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
Joe goes down to the docks...(long)
... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle, and the other two starts to laugh.
Joe is a little bit confused, so he walks up to them and asks:
- Hey! I heard what you were talking about, and I have to ask, what's so funny about some numbers?
- Well, says the third sailor, we have been out on the sea for more than thirty years. By this time we all know each other very well, so we decided to put numbers on our jokes instead re-telling them every time.
- That sounds a bit weird, says Joe.
- Maybe, says the second sailor, why don't you try for yourself?
- Okay then, number eightythree, Joe says.
All three sailors start to laugh really hard, one of them even falls of the bench and can hardly breathe.
- What was so funny about it? Joe asks.
Still giggling, the first sailor answers:
- Never heard that one before!
Perceptions vary
Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"
The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin on s**...- Quote from life is worth losing
**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit s**.... Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.
[Stares at watch]
**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit s**..., even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.
I like my hot tubs like I like my women...
So hot I can only stay in them for thirty seconds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For the sick
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday. One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to p**.... No problem dear, whispered his Mom in his ear, just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there. Thirty seconds later Bob came back. Did you go to the bathroom? question his Mom. No need responded Bob. Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it 'for the sick', so I just did it in there!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In America, a woman is r**... every thirty seconds..
And d**..., she's getting tired of it.
Birthday Party
My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.
"Awww... your baby is cute!"
...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."
There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...
A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.
Dave was impressed, he handed over the $100 and ordered a gin.
He then jumped out of the window and fell to his death.
The barman then said, 'You've gotta stop doing that, Superman'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a p**... on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with me is like c**...
It's okay for the first thirty seconds, but then you start wondering why you put this in your body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ahhhh, old romance . . .
Janet was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a p**... on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven
They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
Three men applied to put up telephone poles.
The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.
The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."
The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."
The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."
"Three?" asks the foreman. "These two guys put up nearly thirty between them and you only put up three?"
"Yeah," the third man says, "But you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!