Thirty Jokes

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...

Son: "Hey papa?"
Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"
Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?
Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and bring me back five."

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...

...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she's anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation. A few week later she's crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed.
She comes up to heaven and sees God. I don't understand, she says to God You said I had another thirty years?
God answers her, I didn't recognize you.

Is zero dark thirty the combination to the hurt locker?

A young Jewish boy

A young Jewish boy wants a new bike. So he goes up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"
The dad exclaims, "Forty dollars! What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Dad, I'm thirsty!

You're not thirty!

Take me down to the console city

Where the games are blurry and the frames are thirty.

Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.

Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

They ain't private ears.
(I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

Ten, Twenty, Thirty, fourty, fifty, sixty, sixtyten, "what?" four twenties

"France, stop it" four twenties and ten. "France you're drunk"

Hearing Aid

My neighbor just told me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty"

If I had a dollar for every time someone under thirty blamed people over forty for not be able to afford anything....

I could drink expensive, fancy beer too.

There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.
Dave was impressed, he handed over the $100 and ordered a gin.
He then jumped out of the window and fell to his death.
The barman then said, 'You've gotta stop doing that, Superman'

The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

What did the tennis player say to her husband when he forgot her age?

"Thirty, love."

After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

I was supposed to go to prison for a long time, but thankfully i got was released early

Thanks to thirty years perfect attendance.

My girlfriend is currently 2 years older than me. But in a few years I'll be the same age as her...

Because I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty, too.

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

I've been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn't bad.

My friend told me she lost thirty pounds.

...but then I remembered she is British and lost 30£ instead.

I started a new diet 6 weeks ago and I managed to GAIN thirty pounds!

It's my fault, though. I thought counting calories meant your supposed to go for the high score.

If thirty years have passed you're still angry at your kids for leaving those painful little blocks on the floor...

Don't be. It's time to forgive and lego of the past.

Jesish kids need money too

A Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars, to which the father replies "forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?'

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"
She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"
I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"
She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"
I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."