Thirty Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover

Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

Jewish kid asks his father for $50 ...

His father replies: "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute

After all, it was her thirty second birthday.

Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.

A woman, asks the Frenchman.

A telephone, says the Jew.

A cigarette, says the Polack.

Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.

The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.

The Polack walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?

A Jewish boy asked his father to borrow fifty dollars...

"Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...

...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.

Sandy decides she's anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation. A few week later she's crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed.

She comes up to heaven and sees God. I don't understand, she says to God You said I had another thirty years?

God answers her, I didn't recognize you.

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have $50...

A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have fifty dollars.

The Jewish father replies, "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?"

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars..

The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:

"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."

It was his thirty second birthday.

I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It's my thirty second birthday...

A Jewish boy

asks his father "Can I have thirty dollars?"

His father replies "Twenty dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?"

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .

The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."

The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."

The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"

The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.

Dave was impressed, he handed over the $100 and ordered a gin.
He then jumped out of the window and fell to his death.

The barman then said, 'You've gotta stop doing that, Superman'

The poetry contest

There was a prestigious, international poetry contest held in a glamorous foreign city. Contestants had come from all over the world and by the end there was one man whom everyone thought was going to win and a camo-wearing, baccer-chewing redneck that everyone wondered what was doing there. In the final round of the competition, the contestants were given a word and had to come up with a poem in thirty seconds. During the very last round, the contestants stood at the podium and were given the word; Timbuktu.

The shoo-in went first. He thought for thirty seconds, then stepped up to the microphone and said:

"Across the desert, wind and sand,

Trekked the lonely caravan.

Men and camels, two by two,

Destination; Timbuktu."

The audience erupted with applause. When it died down, the redneck grinned and stepped to the microphone and without missing a beat he recited:

"Tim and me a-huntin' went.

Found three whores in a popped-up tent.

Them was three and us was two,

So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.

"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"

"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"

"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."

"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."

"What's that?"

"How do you start a flood?"

A Jewish kid asks his dad for $50

His dad narrows his eyes and says "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?

Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;

A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.

The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.

"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."

Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.

The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".


He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied

"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."

Fool me once...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't?

Ten of them.

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"

The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

My dad sat me down and told me I was adopted...

"Pack your bag", he said. "They'll be here in thirty minutes."

Three blonde dudes drive into the desert

When they are in the middle of the day, their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One blonde takes a tire. The second bloke takes a seat. The last blonde takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the other two I'm bringing the tire because if I can't walk anymore, the tire will take me. The second says: But the seat is more comfortable than the tire. They both then look at the third and ask: Why bring a car door?

The thirty blonde man replies, Dudes, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window.

I went to a party with my girlfriend.

I got quite upset because everyone called me a pedo because I was thirty and she was twenty. So finally,I said "That's it baby, we're leaving. I'm not going to let them ruin our tenth anniversary."

Why is three times ten same as two times sixteen?

Because three times ten is thirty,

And two times sixteen is thirty, too.

The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department that could extinguish the blaze. Many departments and trucks from miles around tried but failed, all stopping 200 yards away from the inferno. A small, four man department from a not very well known town went blazing past all the stopped trucks and drove right up to the blown well. Only having two buckets of water and three buckets of sand they quickly dumped all the had and the fire went out. They owner of the well ran up and was over joyed. He asked to chief what they would buy first with the large amount of money. The chief calmly said, "well the first thing im doin is replacing the brakes on this here truck".

For the sick

Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday. One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. No problem dear, whispered his Mom in his ear, just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there. Thirty seconds later Bob came back. Did you go to the bathroom? question his Mom. No need responded Bob. Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it 'for the sick', so I just did it in there!

George Carlin on suicide- Quote from life is worth losing

**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.

[Stares at watch]

**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

Son asks Jewish dad for money

Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?

Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister.

An American, a Canadian, and a Russian walk into a bar and find a rubella patient dying on the floor.

The American says: Tough luck, pal. But I'll tell you what, for thirty thousand I got a guy that can fix that for you.

The Canadian says: You don't look so good, buddy. Why don't you come back with me to Canada and we'll see what we can do, eh? Won't cost you a thing.

The Russian pulls out a gun and asks: Are you contagious?

The rubella patient nods.

Great, says the Russian. Now come with me to Afghanistan or I'll murder your family.

A Jewish kid asks his dad for money...

The kid says to his dad, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty dollars."

His dad replies, "Forty dollars! What do you wanna borrow thirty dollars for?!?!"

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. About how long to get this repaired? says the penguin. Should only be about 30 mins he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is walking back to station while licking his vanilla ice cream. Naturally, penguins aren't the cleanest eaters so some vanilla ice cream gets around his mouth and face.

When the penguin arrives, the mechanic greets him and says, It looks like you blew a seal!

A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall...

and asks his dad for forty dollars.

"Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.

He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.

The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard every excuse in the book but if you give me one I haven't heard, I'll let you go."

The 80-year old looks the trooper up and down and says, "My wife left me thirty year ago for a highway patrolman and Inwas afraid you were bringing her back!"

Trooper closes his book and sends the Corvette driver on his way!

The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"

The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

What are the funniest thirty jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Thirty? Well, here are the best Thirty puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Thirty pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes