Thirteen Jokes

What are some Thirteen jokes?

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.

He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."

It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.

He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

My friend's call me a paedophile just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".

Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.

Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"

The Indian answered, "Eggs."

The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "

Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"

The Indian answered, "Scrambled."

At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced.

A bit young to get married if you ask me.

A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.

"She's thirteen." the man says.

The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she sexually active?"

The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".

My dad tells this joke all the time.

one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually finds a small hole at about head height.
As he puts his eye up to the hole, a stick jabs through it, poking him in the eye and leaving him staggering around in agony.
Through his pain he's dimly aware that the chanting has changed to "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'.

'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

Read this joke like ten years ago! Will never forget it!

So this guy walks home one day and in the distance he can hear some yelling,
"thirteen, thirteen" but thinks nothing of it.
As he walks on he hears the sound get louder and closer. When he walks pass a wooden fence he once again hears the word "thirteen, thirteen". He could see a hole in the fence so he leaned forward and tried to see what the fuss was about!
At the exact moment the man got a finger in his eye and you could hear the words being yelled: "fourteen,fourteen"

THIRTEEN!

A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".



Curious about what is going on inside, the man finds a knothole in the fence and starts to peek inside. As soon as he puts his eye up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye with a stick and the chorus changes to: "FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!".

His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.

Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.

Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.

A guy walking down the street

A guy walking down the street begins to hear a bunch of people chanting twelve! twelve! twelve!. He finds a hole in the fence next to him to try and see what is going on. When he looks through the hole , he gets poked in the eye. Then he hears thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Once upon a time...

...an evil witch put a curse on a prince, which only allowed him to say and/or write one word per year, and could only be broken through mairrage. Well, shortly after recieving the curse, the prince fell in love with the most beautiful of princesses in all of the land.

So the prince waited *thirteen long years,* saving his words up for one sentence that he said to the princess one fateful morning.

"Madam, I love you and have for many years. Will you marry me?" The prince said after carefully plotting out his words,

The princess turned around and said "Come again?"

I had to have foreskin removed when I was thirteen

My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of foreskin.
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...

A man is walking down the street...

When from behind a fence he hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve twelve...twelve, twelve, twelve..." He's curious about what's going on, so he looks along the fence until he sees a little hole in it. He leans over and looks through the hole and BINK! Someone pokes him in the eye with their finger. "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."

Thirteen

A guy goes for a walk and when he passes by the mental hospital, he hears a patient inside yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

The guy moves along and later when he's returning home and walks by the same hospital, he hears the same voice again yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

And then he sees a small hole in the wall. The curiosity was too strong and when he takes a peek the patient pokes him in the eye with a stick and starts yelling "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

I like my women like I like my scotch

Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.

A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or number twelve?" says another. Everyone chuckles except for one prisoner who starts having hysterics. He laughs until tears roll down his cheeks and his sides hurt. He falls on the floor, rolls about and slaps his thighs cackling uncontrollably. Finally he calms down and notices his friends looking at him weirdly. "Sorry" he says. "First time I'd heard that one"

The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..

When he hears a loud chanting.

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.

The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.

Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.

As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... "

Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...

My girlfriend has a weird fetish.

She likes to dress up and pretend like she's thirteen. Totally weird right! I keep telling her she wont be thirteen for four years.

I really want to sleep with Jodie Foster,

but I'm thirteen years too late.

What's the difference between Catholic priests and pimples?

Pimples don't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.

A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'

"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"

The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"

The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)

What does the yen and a thirteen year old have in common?

In Japan, they're both legal tender.

This is an organic chemistry joke

A dozen carbon atoms walk into a bar. Not eleven carbon atoms or thirteen carbon atoms, but exactly 12. They order eleven glasses of water. Not 12 glasses of water, and not 10 glasses of water, but exactly eleven glasses of water. What did they get?

I give to you a joke I made up when I was thirteen: What is the Virgin Mary's favourite drug?

Heavenly hash.

Thirteen Solvakians have been reported killed and another seven seriously injured in the UK this morning...

After a bunk bed collapsed.

Police believe it was the work of the terrorist organisation Al Ikea

How to make Thirteen jokes?

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