Thirteen Jokes
44 thirteen jokes and hilarious thirteen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thirteen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Thirteen Short Jokes
Short thirteen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thirteen humour may include short twelve jokes also.
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
- What do you call an average radio? Stereo typical
My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit. - At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
- I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless She'll be thirteen next month anyways
- What does the yen and a thirteen year old have in common? In Japan, they're both legal tender.
- Whats do a ruler and thirteen year old memer have in common? They are both straight and edgy
- How did the 12 soccer players and their couch survive for nine days in the cave before being found? Because originally there were thirteen players.
- Whats the difference between acne and the pope? Acne doesn't come on your face till about thirteen.
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Thirteen One Liners
Which thirteen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thirteen? I can suggest the ones about eleven and fourteen.
- "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... " Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...
- What is Titus Pullo's Sandal Size? THIRTEEN!
- Maths is like s**..... .. If they're under thirteen just do them in your head
- I really want to sleep with Jodie Foster, but I'm thirteen years too late.
Laughter Thirteen Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about thirteen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fifteen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thirteen pranks.
A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.
"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning," the engineer confesses.
"How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult.
All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.
A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'
"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"
The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"
The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)
Twelve.
A man is walking down the street alongside a sizable construction fence. It's at least 8 feet tall, and it runs the whole length of the block.
About 3 steps deep, he hears a quiet voice saying
"Twelve. Twelve. Twelve." He thinks it odd, but continues walking. Almost immediately, he hears the same voice, but louder.
"Twelve. Twelve. Twelve" His curiosity is piqued, and he looks around for a crack in the fence as he walks. Again, the voice gets louder.
"Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!" It's about this time that he sees a knothole in the fence, just below eye level. He stoops to peer into the construction yard. All of a sudden, a stick comes out of nowhere and jabs him in the eye. He reels back in pain. There's a peal of laughter followed by,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'
Once upon a time...
...an evil witch put a curse on a prince, which only allowed him to say and/or write one word per year, and could only be broken through mairrage. Well, shortly after recieving the curse, the prince fell in love with the most beautiful of princesses in all of the land.
So the prince waited *thirteen long years,* saving his words up for one sentence that he said to the princess one fateful morning.
"Madam, I love you and have for many years. Will you marry me?" The prince said after carefully plotting out his words,
The princess turned around and said "Come again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
one day at the mental hospital ...
A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually finds a small hole at about head height.
As he puts his eye up to the hole, a stick jabs through it, poking him in the eye and leaving him staggering around in agony.
Through his pain he's dimly aware that the chanting has changed to "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
THIRTEEN!
A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".
Curious about what is going on inside, the man finds a knothole in the fence and starts to peek inside. As soon as he puts his eye up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye with a stick and the chorus changes to: "FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!".
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Catholic priests and pimples?
Pimples don't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...
He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."
Read this joke like ten years ago! Will never forget it!
So this guy walks home one day and in the distance he can hear some yelling,
"thirteen, thirteen" but thinks nothing of it.
As he walks on he hears the sound get louder and closer. When he walks pass a wooden fence he once again hears the word "thirteen, thirteen". He could see a hole in the fence so he leaned forward and tried to see what the fuss was about!
At the exact moment the man got a finger in his eye and you could hear the words being yelled: "fourteen,fourteen"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I give to you a joke I made up when I was thirteen: What is the v**... Mary's favourite drug?
Heavenly hash.
This is an organic chemistry joke
A dozen carbon atoms walk into a bar. Not eleven carbon atoms or thirteen carbon atoms, but exactly 12. They order eleven glasses of water. Not 12 glasses of water, and not 10 glasses of water, but exactly eleven glasses of water. What did they get?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thirteen Solvakians have been reported killed and another seven seriously injured in the UK this morning...
After a bunk bed collapsed.
Police believe it was the work of the t**... organisation Al Ikea
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend's call me a p**... just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".
Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.
His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"
Well, the kid was right.
Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.
Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to have f**... removed when I was thirteen
My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of f**....
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...
A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.
Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or number twelve?" says another. Everyone chuckles except for one prisoner who starts having hysterics. He laughs until tears roll down his cheeks and his sides hurt. He falls on the floor, rolls about and slaps his thighs cackling uncontrollably. Finally he calms down and notices his friends looking at him weirdly. "Sorry" he says. "First time I'd heard that one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Memory
A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"
The Indian answered, "Eggs."
The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "
Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"
The Indian answered, "Scrambled."
When I was Young
I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.
As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)
Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?
A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."
^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)
Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.
He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.
Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, and the bartender brings out fourteen!"
A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.
He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
