Thirteen Jokes

50 thirteen jokes and hilarious thirteen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thirteen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Thirteen Short Jokes

Short thirteen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thirteen humour may include short twelve jokes also.

  1. How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
  2. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  3. Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant "Table for twenty-six, please."
    "There's only thirteen of you."
    "Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."
  4. Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
  5. What do you call an average radio? Stereo typical
    My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.
  6. Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin? Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?
  7. How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb? Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.
  8. At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
  9. I went to buy a dozen bees The beekeeper gave me thirteen.
    I said, "Hey, you gave me one too many."
    He said, "That's a freebie."
  10. Steps on how to fall down stairs. Step one:
    Step three:
    Step seven:
    Step nine:
    Step thirteen:
    Step twenty:

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Thirteen One Liners

Which thirteen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thirteen? I can suggest the ones about eleven and fourteen.

  1. I like my women like I like my scotch Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.
  2. "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... " Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...
  3. I really want to sleep with Jodie Foster, but I'm thirteen years too late.
  4. What is Titus Pullo's Sandal Size? THIRTEEN!
  5. Why was Ten afraid of Eleven? Because Eleven Twelve Thirteen.
  6. If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it? Time to get a new clock.
  7. I like my women like my shoes... Black, size thirteen and I pick them up at Walmart.
  8. Maths is like s**..... .. If they're under thirteen just do them in your head

Thirteen joke, Maths is like s**.....

Laughter Thirteen Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about thirteen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fifteen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thirteen pranks.

A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'
"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"
The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"
The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

A man is walking down the street...

When from behind a fence he hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve twelve...twelve, twelve, twelve..." He's curious about what's going on, so he looks along the fence until he sees a little hole in it. He leans over and looks through the hole and BINK! Someone pokes him in the eye with their finger. "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.

A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."

This is an organic chemistry joke

A dozen carbon atoms walk into a bar. Not eleven carbon atoms or thirteen carbon atoms, but exactly 12. They order eleven glasses of water. Not 12 glasses of water, and not 10 glasses of water, but exactly eleven glasses of water. What did they get?

A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..

When he hears a loud chanting.
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Thirteen Solvakians have been reported killed and another seven seriously injured in the UK this morning...

After a bunk bed collapsed.
Police believe it was the work of the t**... organisation Al Ikea

My girlfriend has a weird f**....

She likes to dress up and pretend like she's thirteen. Totally weird right! I keep telling her she wont be thirteen for four years.

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A guy walking down the street

A guy walking down the street begins to hear a bunch of people chanting twelve! twelve! twelve!. He finds a hole in the fence next to him to try and see what is going on. When he looks through the hole , he gets poked in the eye. Then he hears thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

What does the yen and a thirteen year old have in common?

In Japan, they're both legal tender.

My friend's call me a p**... just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".

Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.

The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.
Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.
Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.


A guy goes for a walk and when he passes by the mental hospital, he hears a patient inside yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
The guy moves along and later when he's returning home and walks by the same hospital, he hears the same voice again yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
And then he sees a small hole in the wall. The curiosity was too strong and when he takes a peek the patient pokes him in the eye with a stick and starts yelling "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

I had to have f**... removed when I was thirteen

My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of f**....
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?
A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."
^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.

He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.
Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, and the bartender brings out fourteen!"

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting twelve, twelve twelve . As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting twelve, twelve, twelve I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hole and poked me in the eye. Immediately there was a roar of cheering before the residents started chanting thirteen, thirteen, thirteen .

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'

A guy walks into a pet shop planning on building his own apiary.

He asks for a dozen bees to get him started. The shopkeeper counts out thirteen bees and puts them in a box for him. Being honest, the guy says there's one too many, but the shopkeeper points at one and says.....
That one's a freebee

Thirteen joke, Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant

jokes about thirteen