thirteen Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious thirteen stories

What are the best Thirteen puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thirteen? Well here is a complete list of Thirteen to have fun with:

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.


I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.


Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...


A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.


A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".


How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.


Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.

He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.

"She's thirteen." the man says.

The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she sexually active?"

The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."


A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".

My dad tells this joke all the time.


one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually finds a small hole at about head height.
As he puts his eye up to the hole, a stick jabs through it, poking him in the eye and leaving him staggering around in agony.
Through his pain he's dimly aware that the chanting has changed to "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? [personal favorites]

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.


Read this joke like ten years ago! Will never forget it!

So this guy walks home one day and in the distance he can hear some yelling,
"thirteen, thirteen" but thinks nothing of it.
As he walks on he hears the sound get louder and closer. When he walks pass a wooden fence he once again hears the word "thirteen, thirteen". He could see a hole in the fence so he leaned forward and tried to see what the fuss was about!
At the exact moment the man got a finger in his eye and you could hear the words being yelled: "fourteen,fourteen"



A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".

Curious about what is going on inside, the man finds a knothole in the fence and starts to peek inside. As soon as he puts his eye up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye with a stick and the chorus changes to: "FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!".


A man is walking down the street...

When from behind a fence he hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve twelve...twelve, twelve, twelve..." He's curious about what's going on, so he looks along the fence until he sees a little hole in it. He leans over and looks through the hole and BINK! Someone pokes him in the eye with their finger. "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."


I like my women like I like my scotch

Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.


A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..

When he hears a loud chanting.

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.

The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.

Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.

As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


How I learned to mind my own business.

I walked passed a local insane asylum the other day and I could hear a bunch of people yelling, "Thirteen! Thirteen!" I started wondering what the hell they were doing.

About halfway down the wall, I saw a hole. My curiosity got the best of me. I bent down and looked through the hole with one eye. Suddenly, some jackass poked me in the eye with a stick and I could hear everyone yelling "Fourteen! Fourteen!"


Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boys face untill after hes thirteen.


A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'

"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"

The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"

The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)


What's the difference between Catholic priests and pimples?

Pimples don't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.


I give to you a joke I made up when I was thirteen: What is the Virgin Mary's favourite drug?

Heavenly hash.


Thirteen Solvakians have been reported killed and another seven seriously injured in the UK this morning...

After a bunk bed collapsed.

Police believe it was the work of the terrorist organisation Al Ikea


This is an organic chemistry joke

A dozen carbon atoms walk into a bar. Not eleven carbon atoms or thirteen carbon atoms, but exactly 12. They order eleven glasses of water. Not 12 glasses of water, and not 10 glasses of water, but exactly eleven glasses of water. What did they get?


"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. It sounded like a small crowd, young and old; men, women and children. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I saw a small hole in the fence just big enough to look through. The hole was right where the sound appeared to be originating from.

So, with the crowd continuing to chant "... thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and it seeming to become more intense as I leaned down to place my eye at the hole and work out WTF was happening in there.

Just as I put my eye to the hole a small finger like that of a child poked me in the eye and the crowd stared cheered loudly and started chanting again..

"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."


Once upon a time... evil witch put a curse on a prince, which only allowed him to say and/or write one word per year, and could only be broken through mairrage. Well, shortly after recieving the curse, the prince fell in love with the most beautiful of princesses in all of the land.

So the prince waited *thirteen long years,* saving his words up for one sentence that he said to the princess one fateful morning.

"Madam, I love you and have for many years. Will you marry me?" The prince said after carefully plotting out his words,

The princess turned around and said "Come again?"


Dragging a dead frog

A thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog along behind him by a piece of string. He approaches the head mistress and says, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." She looks at him bewildered and begins to say that he's a bit too young for this when he pulls a huge wad of cash from his pocket and repeats himself, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." Convinced, the head mistress takes him to a back room and accommodates his request. After he and the prostitute finish and she takes the money, she asks, "If you don't mind me asking, I'm the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch they have here... what did you want with me?" The boy looked up at her while tying his shoes and said, "I just gave you all the savings I have in the world. The way I figure it, you've probably got herpes, hepatitis, who knows, maybe even AIDS. I don't know. What I do know is that tomorrow after school the babysitter is going to molest me. She always does. Later on, when my dad drives her home, he's going to fuck the babysitter in his car. He always does. Then my dad's going to get drunk and fuck my mom. But then, sooner or later, the mailman is going to pay my mom a visit... and that's the motherfucker who ran over my frog!


The Arab's Daughter

Two Arab oil sheiks met at a hookah bar. The first one, looking for a suitor for his youngest son inquired "Hassan Abdullah, how's your youngest daughter? She's almost thirteen now, mind if I ask for her hand for my youngest son?" The second Arab sheik puffed out and replied "I'm afraid she's married now, Hussein Achmed! She's in the Caribbeans for her honeymoon".

"Jamaica?" the first Arab sheik asked. "Of course" the second sheik replied "she wanted to be free and marry whoever she wants, you expect me to let her go wild and stain my proud name?"



so a man walks into a bar. the mandrinks 12 shots of vodka. the bartender said "what happened to you?" and the man answered "i had my first blowjob tonight" so the bartender said "mabey you could get another",. then the man said"if twelve didnt get the taste out of my mouth, then thirteen wont do shit.


Guy meats a girl at the club...

After a while they are in his car, driving in the woods to consumate their friendship.
At one moment he asks - "How old are you, beautifull?"
"I am thirteen" - she responded.
He stopps the car - "Please leave!"
Shocked, she shouts - "Fuck you, you supersticious idiot!"


My bluest joke

My thirteen year old niece is curious. During mandatory annual family vacation she asked me what a hypocrite was. I knelt down and said, "Last night I told your mother's sister to drive downtown, pick up a hitchhiker, bring him home and make sure he's black." She called her friend Curtis and said, "Hey nigger, wanna fuck?" When he came over and took one look at my zebra fur pajamas he sprinted out of the house down the street. That's the definition of a hypocrite.


4 story building in Philadelphia being demolished collapses on top of Goodwill store with 14 people inside.

One dead, thirteen injured, twenty-nine taken to the hospital.


"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... "

Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...



One night a woman pregnant with triplets gets mugged for her purse. She fights back and the guy shoots her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors tell her that she'll be fine and so will her unborn daughters and son, but that they couldn't remove the bullets without harming the babies. Thirteen years later, one of the girls comes into her mom's room crying. The mom asks her what's wrong, and the girl says still crying, Mom I just peed out a bullet! The mom tell her daughter the story they hug and everything is fine. A few weeks later the other daughter comes in crying and says mom is just went o the bathroom and a bullet came out. So she tells the story, they hug and everything is fine. Another few weeks go by and the son comes into his moms room crying, and the mom says, "I know what happened, you were in the bathroom and a bullet came out." the son says "no I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


I like my women like my shoes...

Black, size thirteen and I pick them up at Walmart.


Whats the difference between acne and the pope?

Acne doesn't come on your face till about thirteen.


A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'


Man, this broad f*cking lied to me

She told me she was thirteen and she was only fucking eleven


I Had Sex For The First Time

So I came home from school, one day when I was thirteen. I said to my father "guess what, guess what?" He said "what's up what's up?"
I says "I had sex for the very first time today."

"That's great boy! How was it?"

"It was great dad! And as soon as my asshole stops bleeding I'm gonna do it all over again!"



You've read some of the best thirteen jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty thirteen gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

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