thinking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thinking puns

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

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I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

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I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

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Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

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TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

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Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

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Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

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My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

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My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

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Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships

Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

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Drunk guys and a Taxi

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

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I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

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A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

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I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

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A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

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I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

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A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

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My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

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A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

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My Doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

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Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.

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My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

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A Chinese, American, German, and Syrian are on a train

They're all looking out of the window.


The Chinese trying to show off throws a bag of rice out of the window, "We have a lot of rice".


The American grabs a bunch of dollar bills and throws them out, "WE have a lot of money".


The Syrian tells the German glaring at him, "what the fuck are you thinking!"

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What are the most funny Thinking jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thinking? Well, here are the best Thinking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thinking pick up lines to share with friends.

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