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Thinking Jokes

193 thinking jokes and hilarious thinking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thinking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Thinking jokes are an amusing way to bring a smile to someone's face and show them you are thinking of them. Discover funny thinking questions, hesitation jokes, and all the crazy things you think about when drunk. Enjoy a laugh and make someone smile with a thinking joke today!

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Funniest Thinking Short Jokes

Short thinking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thinking humour may include short pondering jokes also.

  1. Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
    Because elephants never forget
  2. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  3. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  4. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
    pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
  5. I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
  6. As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
  7. The problem with Trump jokes: Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
  8. What do apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
  9. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
  10. I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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Thinking One Liners

Which thinking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thinking? I can suggest the ones about mind and thinks.

  1. I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
  2. I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
  3. I think I've been hacked by Russia.
  4. If you're questioning your sexuality... You probably aren't thinking straight.
  5. I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
  6. I think i misspelled camoflage . It is actually spelled
  7. Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.
  8. What's the difference between Elon Musk and God? God doesn't think he's elon musk.
  9. 1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
  10. You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimney? They're through the roof.
  11. The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they're in de Nile.
  12. i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring But it did have a nice arc
  13. My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.
  14. Why do some people think Jesus was black? Cause he is our father, and he never came back.
  15. Two blondes walk into a bar You'd think the second one would have ducked

Lateral Thinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny lateral thinking jokes and even better lateral thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family. I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later.
  • Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future. My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."
    10 minutes later he actually did!
  • I think the girl I just met may be a goddess... because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.
  • I don't know what "procrastinate" means. I think I'll look it up later
  • Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers Later at Home: I think she's on to us, mathmachicken
  • Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you're well travelled. Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.
  • I'm thinking of writing a joke about mispronounced grammar. I'll gerund to it later.
  • My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.
  • Falling off Bed A lunatic falls off his bed. He quickly gets up. 10 minutes later, he falls again. He thinks to himself "Good thing I got up 10 minutes ago, or I might have fallen on myself"
  • You were a great man, Christopher Columbus ... ... to think you had the foresight of giving me work off 5 centuries later.

Thinking Question Jokes

Here is a list of funny thinking question jokes and even better thinking question puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.
  • So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer. But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.
  • An English test question asked us to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence. I wrote, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
  • There's a question in the exam that said, "What is the past tense of 'think'?"
    So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
  • I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.
  • The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense. The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.
  • The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice. I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
    ...
  • People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do" Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"
  • Some people don't really question Middle Eastern markets. I think they're bazaar.
  • Before my father kicked the bucket he asked me the most profound question... He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Thinking joke, Before my father kicked the bucket he asked me the most profound question...

Mind Thinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny mind thinking jokes and even better mind thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
  • I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
  • My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
  • My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer. Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
  • Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America
  • Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works on mind control? It makes scents when you think about it.
  • I heard they're making a mind controlled air freshener It makes scents when you think about it
  • Missing puzzle piece My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
    If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.
  • Did you guys hear about the new mind-controlled air freshener? It's a great idea! I mean, it makes scents when you think about it.
  • The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener. It makes scents if you think about it.

Quick Thinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny quick thinking jokes and even better quick thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..." "You're a Doctor."
  • I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me. He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
  • The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working. Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.
  • Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack... Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...
  • The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me? Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
  • I went on a date with a trebuchet last night But I think it's just a quick fling
  • You'd think nursing a child would go by quickly… …but it feels like a maternity.
  • Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar.. He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"
  • Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours. Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.
  • These days, they expect those who join the military to go up in rank quickly. I think they're just generalizing.

Thinking Of You Jokes

Here is a list of funny thinking of you jokes and even better thinking of you puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
  • My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
  • What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
  • Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."
  • With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking... Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
  • I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
  • After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
  • I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds Because every time I take them she goes away
  • I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him for it though.
  • I think my family is racist
    I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
Thinking joke, I think my family is racist

Hilarious Thinking Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about thinking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deep thought jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thinking pranks.

I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me m**...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have b**...."

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to find and bring with. Just nothing seems all that funny, any ideas? Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, feel free to delete!

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he's thinking of leaving the church

The priest says, my son, you can't leave the church!
The Higgs boson replies but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!
The priest says, you don't understand, if you leave then we can't have mass!

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships

Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

A friend told me my thinking is too one-dimensional.

I can't imagine y.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'?

Or would that be too forward thinking?

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.

I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

A burglar broke into a home…

He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Honey, your son said he's thinking of burning down the neighbor's house!!

You mean, arson?
(I probably coulda worded it better, but you see where I'm going with it at least)

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great.

Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too

My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!
The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."
The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."
He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.
Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"
The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

My Doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?

Because they're not thinking straight.

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.
"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."
After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word *wish* as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."
The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."

If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you

I'd start thinking about you.

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, s**... in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

Husband comes home and says:

Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :

I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

I'm thinking of opening a s**... bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the f**...."

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.
One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.
What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.
I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about s**...

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*c**... is my roof?

Thinking of changing my name to Authorized Personnel

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."

Thinking about opening up a s**... bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today...

kept thinking, don't get an e**..., don't get an e**..., don't get an e**..., but then she did.

I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK s**....

What do you call a sexist Masseuse?

A Massaginist!
It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..

He's actually more sluggish now.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

Thinking joke, I'm thinking of donating my body to science

jokes about thinking