things Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious things stories

What are the best Things puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Things? Well here is a complete list of Things dad jokes:

I've developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

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I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!"

"Yep, I definitely recommend it."

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk.

"Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says.

"Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming.

He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

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So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

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My sister asked me to take off her clothes ;)

So I took off her shirt.


Then she said, "Take off my skirt."


I took off her skirt.


"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.


"Now take off my bra and panties."


and so I took them off.


Then she looked at me and said, I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.

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In Soviet Russia

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.

The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.

The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

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A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

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Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

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Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

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A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

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A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

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I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

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My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles....

But at least they drive slowly past schools

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A family goes to a nude beach....

A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

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A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...

He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....

"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"

"Mmm yes".

"See they are all white, but that one black one?"

"Mmm yes".

"Does that help you to understand?"

"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."

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So, this guy works at a pickle factory...

...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts his wife, "What's wrong with you?! You need therapy!" "You might be right," says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while. But, then one day he comes home from work and his wife can see on his face that he's been crying. "No!" she cries, "Tell me you didn't do it!" "I sorry, honey" her husband sobs, "I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!" "So, what happened?!" asks his wife. "Well, I got fired." says the husband. "No!" his wife yells, "What happened with the pickle slicer?!" "Oh," says her husband, "Well, she got fired too."

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A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

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I only like two things in my life.

Boobs.

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So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .

. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

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Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

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I heard we like Native American jokes.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

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Whats your name?

An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.

The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."

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A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

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Scotland's Independence

David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know

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A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....

"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska...

and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.

A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

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God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden...

...and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. "Great!" Says Adam. "We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful!" God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?". To that Adam Replies "Oh, she's down at the beach washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"

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Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble around breaking things

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Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

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Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles

But at least they drive slowly through school zones.

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So I took a biology test the other day...

One of the questions was, "name two things commonly found in cells."

Apparently, young blacks and latinos was not the right answer.

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It's complicated having sex with hipsters.

They don't like things that are "in".

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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They take things literally.

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The past, the present and the future walk into a bar...

...Then things got tense.

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Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

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A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm....

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer,as they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer.
He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?"
Throwing his voice and pretending to be the horse he replies "Yeah,not bad the farmer feeds us well and looks after us"
The farmer is absolutely speechless by this,
The ventriloquist walks off towards the next field which is full of sheep,
The farmer immediately runs after him in a state of panic shouting "DONT LISTEN TO THEM THEY ARE ALL LYING BASTARDS!!"....

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My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

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There's something wrong with my ear


A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

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My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

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Things to say when you get caught sleeping at your desk.

-They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

-Phew! I left the top off the white-out. you probably got here just in time.

-I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance

-Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out the solution to our biggest problem.

-...in Jesus's name, Amen.

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My girlfriend came home from work last night and immediately said, "Claud, take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best things jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about things. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty things gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these things jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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