Things Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I've developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left

A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

Osama Bin Laden appeared in a video recently claiming to be alive

Among other things, he also commented on how shitty the English football team had become.

British Intelligence, however, have dismissed it saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last 44 years.

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

I was raped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

[META] Ever since the sub returned, it's become a hive of circlejerking, reposts, and bad quality.

I'm so happy things were able to stay the same.

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

My wife caught me crossdressing..

So I packed her things and left.

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

My wife caught me cross dressing last night.

So I packed her things and left

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"No it's not that," she exclaimed,
"It's just the plumbers that come to our house have really small dicks."

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

My sister asked me to take off her clothes ;)

So I took off her shirt.


Then she said, "Take off my skirt."


I took off her skirt.


"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.


"Now take off my bra and panties."


and so I took them off.


Then she looked at me and said, I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?

Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.

Dad, are you gay?

No son, I'm married to your mother.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

My wife just accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left!!

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.

2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.

I just got the new iPhone for my wife

All things considered a pretty good trade.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

There are three things I hate:

Racists, niggers, and hypocrites.

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

What are the funniest things jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Things? Well, here are the best Things puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Things pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes