Things Jokes

Following is our collection of people humor and qualities one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Things puns for adults, dirty lists jokes or clean things we learn from our mother gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dancer jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on things. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any how things change witze you can hear about things.

The Best jokes about Things

I've developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.


In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.


I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?

I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.

Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked

I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!

Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?

I replied Nah she's not your size

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

I was raped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.


Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?

Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.

Dad, are you gay?

No son, I'm married to your mother.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

Make the little things count...

teach midgets arithmetic.

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

My wife just accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left!!

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.

2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.

I just got the new iPhone for my wife

All things considered a pretty good trade.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

Why do we hit things when they don't work?

Because it worked with slavery

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles....

But at least they drive slowly past schools

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes