He's explaining Facebook to old people.
Is Sphere Itself.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
...he is gay. Definitely gay.
It's laundry day.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
a black guy would probably rob me.
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Getting her husband's voice just right
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying
$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
...except at a funeral
You know...heroin.
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Napalm
...except at a funeral
So I took it and turned it into wine.
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
Happy Father's day
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thing? Well, here are the best Thing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thing pick up lines to share with friends.