He's explaining Facebook to old people.
Is Sphere Itself.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
It's laundry day.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
a black guy would probably rob me.
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Getting her husband's voice just right
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
...except at a funeral
You know...heroin.
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Napalm
So I took it and turned it into wine.
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
I find that very hard to deal with.
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
You guys seem so Ajitated.
You know he actually did it.
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
The same thing is true if you're stupid.
A great thing ruined by a period.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
You get your palm red for free.
So wake me up when it's all over
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
good thing it was in airplane mode.
You remind me of someone
People will eventually get over it.
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Uncle Bens rice.
"My mom is gonna kill me."
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
I said "That's the last thing I need"
If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
Unless you're at a funeral.
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
A good thing screwed up by a period.
... Remains to be seen.
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
I've quit hundreds of times.
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
... except at a funeral.
Or you can just take the whole thing.
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
I said: How can you say such a thing?
Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
Up
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
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