thing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thing puns

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

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Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.

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Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It's laundry day.

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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

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i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

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If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

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If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

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"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

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Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(

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I'm an asshole on the outside, but I'm like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.




**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**

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Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

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My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

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The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

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I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

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My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

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Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

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5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.

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I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

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What are the most funny Thing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thing? Well, here are the best Thing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thing pick up lines to share with friends.

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