thing Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious thing stories

What are the best thing puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thing? Well here is a complete list of the top thing jokes:

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

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The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.

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Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.

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Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It's laundry day.

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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

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Joke my dad loved

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

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"The total cost would be Β£3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

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A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...

I said "That's the last thing I need"

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

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What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

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I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

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I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

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There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk

Up

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The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

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The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

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Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

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"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing...

Unless you're at a funeral.

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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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What is a 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

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So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM...

Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.

Man, I just can't put this thing down.

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So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

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So I was walking home from the bar the other night..

And I came across this girl; dirty, disheveled, and curled up by the dumpster out back.

I took her home and bathed her. As I was toweling her down I became aroused.

One thing led to another and before you knew it we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

For one minute she was flailing so hard you would think she was still alive.

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What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?

All the damn digging.

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My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

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Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

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It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money

because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.

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Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

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The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

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Jesus loves you.

A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.

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What is the best thing about liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

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I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

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What is the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

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Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't shearin' my sheep wuth innyone!"

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A man is praying to God...

He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"

"Sure thing!", God replies.

"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"

God replies, "Yes, that is true."

The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"

"Yes."

"In that case, can I have a penny?"

"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."

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My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

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My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

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A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."

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Things to say when you get caught sleeping at your desk.

-They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

-Phew! I left the top off the white-out. you probably got here just in time.

-I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance

-Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out the solution to our biggest problem.

-...in Jesus's name, Amen.

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I once dated this girl who owned a parakeet. Oh my god, that fucking thing never shut up.

But the bird was cool

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The only things that defy gravity are women...

...the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.

Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best thing jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about thing. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty thing gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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