Following is our collection of Thing jokes which are very funny. There are some thing day jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thing sobs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
Is Sphere Itself.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
It's laundry day.
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
You can explore thing memory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thing idea dad jokes. There are also thing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I said "That's the last thing I need"
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
Uncle Bens rice.
I've quit hundreds of times.
You get your palm red for free.
A great thing ruined by a period.
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
"My mom is gonna kill me."
Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Napalm
You know...heroin.
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
A good thing screwed up by a period.
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
You remind me of someone
good thing it was in airplane mode.
a black guy would probably rob me.
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
The same thing is true if you're stupid.
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Getting her husband's voice just right
If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
Unless you're at a funeral.
You guys seem so Ajitated.
You know he actually did it.
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
... Remains to be seen.
So wake me up when it's all over
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
I find that very hard to deal with.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
People will eventually get over it.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
unless you're at a funeral
[Demetri martin]
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Is sphere itself.
Getting to vote in American elections.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
Like any of us still have a job.
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
Except at a funeral
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
Cannibalism.
The first one says, "What a beautiful night...look at that bright, full moon." The second man stops and looks at his drunk friends. "You fool, that's the sun, not the moon", he mumbles. Soon, they start arguing.
As they are arguing, they pass by another drunk man. They both stop his ask him, "Can you tell us wether that thing up in the sky is the sun or the moon?"
The drunk man looks up, and then looks back and says, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
He can, in fact, read.
...no canaries there either.
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight
- Jokes on Anti-Vaxxers
- Their Children
First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."
Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."
Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thing how things change jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working thing things we learn from our mother piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.