The Best 94 Thing Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Thing jokes. There are some thing day jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thing sobs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Thing Jokes and Puns
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....
Is Sphere Itself.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It's laundry day.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin...
I said "That's the last thing I need"
"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
You can explore thing memory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thing idea dad jokes. There are also thing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Joke my dad loved
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?
Uncle Bens rice.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
What's a 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period.
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Funniest thing my gf has ever said
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...
"My mom is gonna kill me."
They say make up sex is the best...
Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
Napalm
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.
You know...heroin.
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
Do you know what a 6.9 is?
A good thing screwed up by a period.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
What's the worst thing to say to a hipster?
You remind me of someone
My phone fell from the 20th floor,
good thing it was in airplane mode.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said
a black guy would probably rob me.
My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
If minecraft taught me one thing...
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.
The same thing is true if you're stupid.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
Its funny how we all sleep differently.
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...
Unless you're at a funeral.
Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...
You guys seem so Ajitated.
What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?
You know he actually did it.
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today...
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing
unless you're at a funeral
[Demetri martin]
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
The only thing a flat earther is afraid of
Is sphere itself.
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
Why are NSFW tag still a thing?
Like any of us still have a job.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
"Do not touch"
Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles
You know, heroin
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat
Is a warm toilet seat
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot..
The bartender hands him a shot of whisky, the guy drinks it down, looks at something in his shirt pocket, then orders another one.
The bartender gives him the 2nd shot, and same thing, guy drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket then immediately orders another.
After 5 more shots, the bartender can't take the mystery any more, and says to the guys "You keep looking at something in your shirt pocket every time you take a drink, what do you have in there?"
The guys says, "It's a picture of my wife. I keep drinking until she looks good then I go home."
There is only one thing I don't like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant
The bill
There are 3 things that I love:
The Oxford Comma, irony, and missed opportunities.
NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars
They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space.
Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'
What is the best thing about Switzerland?
To be honest I am not sure but their flag is a huge plus!
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office...
another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
So I have a thing for science jokes and there's this one joke about Sodium that I really love.
But then I was like Na, reddit probably won't get it
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thing how things change jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working thing things we learn from our mother piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.