The Best 92 Thing Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Thing jokes. There are some thing day jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thing sobs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Thing Jokes and Puns
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....
Is Sphere Itself.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It's laundry day.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Joke my dad loved
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?
Uncle Bens rice.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
What's a 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period.
You can explore thing memory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thing idea dad jokes. There are also thing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Funniest thing my gf has ever said
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...
"My mom is gonna kill me."
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
Napalm
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.
You know...heroin.
The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
What's the worst thing to say to a hipster?
You remind me of someone
My phone fell from the 20th floor,
good thing it was in airplane mode.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said
a black guy would probably rob me.
My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
If minecraft taught me one thing...
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.
The same thing is true if you're stupid.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right
Its funny how we all sleep differently.
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...
You guys seem so Ajitated.
What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?
You know he actually did it.
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today...
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State
Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
"Do not touch"
Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles
You know, heroin
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat
Is a warm toilet seat
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"
Have you ever considered being more interesting?
What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
2 hands on your shoulders
The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...
is sphere itself.
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing,
but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?
Anything
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"
The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?
That's the dumbest thing I've Amber Heard.
Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it
Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
A kid is selling lemonade…
The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.
The blond asks, What's that?
The blond cop replies, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, I'm sorry mam. If I knew you were an officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over.
What's the only thing a vegan kills?
A conversation.
A guy is spending his first night in prison
He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.
Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.
"46!" and everyone loses their minds.
He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"
"Well we've all been here so long we remember all the jokes by heart. To save time we just give them numbers and tell those instead."
"Oh I think I understand. Let me try. 63!"
There's dead silence.
The new guy says "What's wrong, is that one not funny?"
"Nah, it's a good one. Some people just don't know how tell a joke."
A blond cop pulled over a blond and asked for ID
The blond said, What's ID?
The blond cop said, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond gave her compact mirror to the blond cop, who said, I'm sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I would not have pulled you over.
I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.
Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."
A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.
He says, well, good thing it wasn't a $2 store
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
When I told my friend I was getting a Jeep he was hating on it saying shit like "What about the glaciers and the rainforests?"
I was like "Bro, this thing has 4WD Low Range and diff locks, it'll handle that shit easily"
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise
(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)
A single guy walks into a bar
A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote,'" the guy says. "Well the joke's on them. I've been turning women off without a remote for years."
I need a funny punchline...
My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:
What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?
I have absolutely no idea so if anyone can think of a punchline for this please help me.
An original joke for you as thanks:
Why was the caribou wearing a disguise?
He wanted to remain anonymoose.
Bear and Rabbit
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thing how things change puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working thing things we learn from our mother piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.