The Best 97 Thin Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....

Is Sphere Itself.

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk

Up

The only things that defy gravity are women...

...the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

If you're thinking about joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous remember...

The first step is admitting you don't have a problem.

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

I don't like thinking about gravity.

It brings me down.

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
Hitler's not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

What is the best thing about liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?

You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again.

To sit on his face.

The thing about ice skating ...

No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

There's a thin line distinguishing "Heroes" from "Herpes"

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a funny sense of humour

Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?

Breakfast and lunch.

I'll show myself out now

What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can just drop her off anywhere.

What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?

The volleyball net.

"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.

I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

Things I hate: lists, Oxford commas, and irony.

What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward?

Fresh vegetables.

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?

Move seats.

What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

I'm thinking of going on a cleanse

just not sure which race to start with

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket

The one thing that all women find attractive

...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

Only three things are infinite

The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.

I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion

The body of Christ is a cracker.

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?

You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

My girlfriend is a magician...

She creates problems out of thin air

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

What are two things in the Air that can make a Girl pregnant

Her legs...

I was thinking about buying a blindfold, but decided not to

I just couldn't see myself wearing it

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.

I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

Three things that never lie.....

Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,

Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland

No particular reason, but the flag's a big plus

Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

What is the one thing that everyone can agree on?

Terms and Conditions

im thinking about removing my spine...

i feel like its only holding me back

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

There's three things I've never been able to get straight

My sexuality, and counting

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

I'm thinking about starting a business that recycles discarded chewing gum...

I just need help getting it off the ground.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

What's one thing that women hate more than being stared at?

When you stare at the woman standing next to them.

That's my original for the year!

What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?

Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

There is only one thing that is more retarded than my sister...

Our children

Who else thinks it's time we called Sesame Street out for what it really is?

Show of hands

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

Two things that never get old:

1. Jokes about Anakin killing the younglings
2. The younglings

The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers.

That was some sound advice.

5 things that no one cares about

1. Lists

The last thing my grandfather told me was Quarts! Litres! Gallons!

That spoke volumes.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

what's the best thing about the make-a-wish foundation?

they can really work to a deadline.

After much thinking...

... I have decided that I spend too much time thinking.

I'm thinking about starting a dating service in Prague

I shall call it "Czech-Mate"

I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.