Thief Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!

Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

A thief broke into my house last night...

He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

Did you hear about the party thief?

I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"

A thief goes to the theater

He stole the show.

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"

A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.

"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."

"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

The thief who stole my calendar...

Got 12 months.

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

Man started sobbing and said, "bro, you take anything you want. You can kill me if you want to. But please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: Man, you really love your wife!!

Man: No, mine will arrive shortly"

Thief and a congressman

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

A man had his credit card stolen...

However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A Jew gets robbed

The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers them a second chance. He will send them back to earth and they will live as long as they don't indulge is their favorite sin. Before they go back to earth they are told the last person who does not indulge in his deadly vice will get to remain on earth until they die of old age.

Within five minutes of being on earth the thief spots a women not paying attention to her purse. He snatched the purse and starts running. *poof* he is sent to hell leaving behind the spilled content of the purse.

The fat kid sees the spilled contents of the purse and there lying on the ground is a king size candy bar. Unable to resist he bends over to pick up the candy bar and *poof* the priest is sent to hell.

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

A thief broke into my house, looking for money

I got up and did the same thing.

An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway...

He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.

What's the difference between a thief who steals timepieces and a man at a strip club?

One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

In the market for a new car...

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

A thief stole a toilet from the police station.

At this point they have nothing to go on.

A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home

Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. Β He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...

and then he got cot.

What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?

A fucking thief!

The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tired of it and tried something new, so he put a sign up in his pasture, "One of these watermelons are poisoned." Thinking he finally deterred the thief, he went to bed.

The next morning when he woke up to harvest, there was a new sign under his that read, "Now two of these watermelon are poisoned".

What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Credit card of a man was stolen

"Why did you not report your stolen credit card?" the police asked.
"The thief was spending less than my wife" answered the man.
The police asked next "Then why are you reporting it now?"
The man replied "I think now the thief's wife has started using it!"

Look, dumbass, I've got your phone!

Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.

A thief entered a theatre...

He stole the spotlight

A guy goes to a Rabbi

and complains "You wouldn't believe what happened to me. Somebody stole my bicycle from synagogue."
The rabbi is appalled. He can't believe it. He offers a solution to catch the thief. He says " Come to synagogue next week and sit in the front row. As we go on with the 10 commandments, turn around and look at everyone in the eyes. When we get to Thou shall not Steal, see who can't look you in the eyes. That person is the thief". The guy loves the idea and agrees to try this.
He comes to the synagogue next week and sits in the front row and looks everyone in the eyes during the 10 commandments. He comes to the rabbi at the end of the service and thanks him "What a fantastic idea! It worked like a charm. The moment we got to Thou shall not commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

a thief broke into my house last night and started searching for money

so i got up and started looking with him

A Thief Walks into Church...

A Thief walks into an empty church to steal the offerings left behind by the people. As he walks in he approaches the big statue of jesus in the center of the church. He notices a a few pieces of gold and and a few rings on the statue and begins to take them. Suddenly, he hears the doors of the church open and he runs behind the statue to hide.

Lo and behold, a beautiful young lady walks in. She approaches the statue and begins to pray: "Oh lord, you have blessed me with a good family that is rich, you have blessed me with knowledge, and you have blessed me with good looks. Lord, could you please send me a good man for me to marry as well?"

Immediately the thief jumps out clenching his butt "Calm down lord, there is no need to kick me, Im going myself."

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!

What do you call a snobby thief running down your stairs?

A condescending con descending.

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mothers looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago

I Haven't received it yet..

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?


What did the music thief do in college?

Take notes.

Did you guys hear about that guy that was stealing everyone's power?

He's a real Joule thief.

Bank robbery

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."

Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"

Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."

Clem: "What did the thief do then?"

Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway."

If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will pay for this

if a person helps a thief after he steals something this person is called a lawyer and he will be paid for this

What are the funniest thief jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Thief? Well, here are the best Thief puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Thief pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes