The Best 75 Thief Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Thief jokes. There are some thief robber jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thief joule puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Thief Jokes and Puns

My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will pay for this

if a person helps a thief after he steals something this person is called a lawyer and he will be paid for this

Thief joke, If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will

What did the music thief do in college?

Take notes.

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.


A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

The thief who stole my calendar...

Got 12 months.

Thief joke, The thief who stole my calendar...

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"

An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway...

He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.

Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.

You can explore thief perpetrator reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thief theif dad jokes. There are also thief puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?

Framed

What's the difference between a thief who steals timepieces and a man at a strip club?

One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

Thief joke, Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.

"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."

"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

Did you hear about the party thief?

I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.


A thief stole a toilet from the police station.

At this point they have nothing to go on.

What do you call a snobby thief running down your stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

A thief broke into my house, looking for money

I got up and did the same thing.

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Did you guys hear about that guy that was stealing everyone's power?

He's a real Joule thief.

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

Thief and a congressman

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

A Jew gets robbed

The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago

I Haven't received it yet..

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat

The bartender says "Put that back you thief!"

A man had his credit card stolen...

However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home

Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

Look, dumbass, I've got your phone!

Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

A thief entered a theatre...

He stole the spotlight

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

A thief goes to the theater

He stole the show.

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. Β He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...

and then he got cot.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mothers looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!

Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"

Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked

OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?

Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.

OC: So why inform us now?

Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it

Dilemma

Police: Why did you not report the stolen card immediately?

Guy: Actually, the thief was spending less money than my wife.

Police: So, why are you reporting now?

Guy: I think, now the thief's wife has the card.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."

Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"

The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."

Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"

Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!

The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions?

Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief!


Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?


Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

What did the Saudi bike thief say?

"Look, no hands!"

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocket and puts it in front of the priest.

Father: Don't put stolen items before me.

Thief: But Father, what if he doesn't take the purse back.

Father: Then you can keep it with you.

Thief: Thank you father.

A cowboy walks into a bar

A cowboy walks into a bar a wips out his gun and said: "who stole my horse!?"
*silence*
"If the thief does not admit i will do what my father did when his horse got stolen"
One guy stands up and said: "what did your father did when his horse got stolen?"
The cowboy said: "he walked home"

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I've been trying it for years

How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

My iPhone was stolen today...

...I hope the thief will face time.

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

A thief steals trigonometric functions sin and cos.

A thief steals trigonometric functions sin and cos, the police are now after him, he goes to a beach and digs up some mud, he first puts sin over cos but he doesn't want tan so he puts cos over sin and gets cot by police.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thief robberies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working thief burglary piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes