The Best 59 Thermometer Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Thermometer jokes. There are some thermometer pissy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thermometer temperature puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Thermometer Jokes and Puns
A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen....
and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"
Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...
she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"
Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...
"Some asshole's got my pen"
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.
What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some arsehole's got my pen.
A nurse walks into a bank...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."
Tired Nurse Joke
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
Tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
Without missing a beat, she says . . .
''Well, that's great . . . Just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen
A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims....
"Some arsehole's got my pen!"
A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...
"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"
A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some asshole's got my pencil!"
You can explore thermometer notebook reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thermometer vial dad jokes. There are also thermometer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
As she slid in the rectal thermometer I got a throbbing and very noticeable erection. I did my best to hide it but...
...the vet said that it would probably be better if I waited outside while she took my dog's temperature.
A doctor walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."
A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.
'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Mainly, the taste.
Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer...
She says, "Great, some asshole's got my pen."
A doctor walks into a bank
A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.
"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"
A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer
"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"
A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought...
"Some asshole's got my pen"
As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."
Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole's got my pen!"
My doctor told me I need to stop drinking
so he could put the thermometer in my mouth
A doctor at work
A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.
*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."
A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...
"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
Because he had more degrees.
A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer
When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:
'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'
How do you know if your using a rectal thermometer wrong?
The taste.
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?
Mercury is in Uranus
A nurse needed to write something down…
She reached to her pocket but only found a rectal thermometer. "Some asshole's got my pen!" She exclaimed.
My thermometer is really inconsistent
It is having varying degrees of success
Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?
HG Wells.
A doctor walks into a bank...
When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"
My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription
I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"
He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
A doctor goes to write a prescription, and pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket
"Great, some asshole's got my pen."
My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.
So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.
When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...
"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."
Proctologist walks into a bank
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket....
"Oh no, some arsehole has my pen!"
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health
The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all
The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff
Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke
A proctologist pulls a thermometer out from his coat pocket...
Great, now some A**hole has my pen!
What do thermometers wear for underwear?
Kelvin Klein
What's the difference between oral thermometer and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Will I be ok doc?
I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now
I replied I don't do that Astrology stuff
Me neither the Doctor replied my thermometer just broke
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
The first thing she thinks is "Some asshole's got my pen"
My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales
I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some asshole's got my pen."
Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?
During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
Do you know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The Taste.
A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.
She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"
A man goes to the doctor...
"Doctor, will I be ok?"
"I don't know, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't do astronomy doc"
"Me neither, my thermometer just broke"
I don't know who Lana is...
But I borrowed her thermometer and it tastes like shit.
A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.
Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thermometer thermostat jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working thermometer barometer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.