Thermometer Jokes
98 thermometer jokes and hilarious thermometer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thermometer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make yourself and your friends laugh with these hilarious thermometer jokes! With a mix of puns, speedometer jokes and more, there's something for everyone! Get ready for a few rectal thermometer jokes and gauge some laughs! Be sure to keep a notebook handy to keep track of all the best ones!
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Funniest Thermometer Short Jokes
Short thermometer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thermometer humour may include short thermos jokes also.
- My doctor said "I've got bad news: mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke." - What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
- A man goes to the doctor... "Doctor, will I be ok?"
"I don't know, Mercury is in uranus right now"
"I don't do astronomy doc"
"Me neither, my thermometer just broke" - My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature. So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
- "Will I be ok doc?" "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
"I don't believe in that astrology rubbish."
"Nor do I !! My thermometer just broke." - Will I be OK, doc? I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.
I don't do that astrology stuff, doc.
Me neither, my thermometer just broke!
(Not my joke but I think it's worth sharing!) - Someone's written an album about thermometers... I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.
- If a thermometer measures how warm you are, does a ther-Dad-eter measure how COOL you are? It would have to... and measure you in °Fz (degrees Fonzie)
- Will I be ok doc? I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now
I replied I don't do that Astrology stuff
Me neither the Doctor replied my thermometer just broke - What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You might have graduated but I have got many degrees.
Share These Thermometer Jokes With Friends
Thermometer One Liners
Which thermometer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thermometer? I can suggest the ones about temper and heater.
- What is a snowman's favorite winter solstice song? "Frosty the Loaded Thermometer."
- What do you call a male thermometer? A therdadeter.
- What do thermometers wear for underwear? Kelvin Klein
- What is the smartest tool? A thermometer because it has so many degrees
- My doctor told me I need to stop drinking so he could put the thermometer in my mouth
- What's the difference between red and blue thermometers? The taste.
- How tall is the thermometer's Mecury? Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.
- Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer? HG Wells.
- My thermometer is really inconsistent It is having varying degrees of success
- Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder? Because he had more degrees.
- What brand of underwear do thermometers wear? Kelvin Klein
- The nurse sauntered in with the thermometer... She was here to temp me.
- My thermometer took a book into the sauna. It's well red.
- How do Royal Thermometers Work? They use Freddie Mercury
- Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer? I hear it's fair in height
Rectal Thermometer Jokes
Here is a list of funny rectal thermometer jokes and even better rectal thermometer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happens when the thermometer breaks during your r**... examination? Mercury is in Uranus
- What's the difference between an o**... thermometer and a r**... thermometer? Mainly, the taste.
- A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a r**... thermometer "Ugh, some a**...'s got my pen!"
- A nurse pulls a r**... thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ... "d**..., some a**...'s got my pen."
- Do you know the difference between an o**... thermometer and a r**... thermometer? The Taste.
- A nurse takes a r**... thermometer out of her pocket. She says, "s**..., some a**... has my pen!"
- A nurse found a r**... thermometer in her pocket and thought... "Some a**...'s got my pen"
- What's the difference between an o**... and r**... thermometer? The taste.
- A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a r**... thermometer out of her pocket. 'Oh great, some a**...'s got my pen.'
- A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a r**... thermometer. She says to herself ... d**... some a**... took my pen
Gather Around for Fun Thermometer Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about thermometer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean room temperature jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thermometer pranks.
A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen....
and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some a**...'s got my pen!"
Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...
she exclaims, "Some a**...'s got my pen!"
Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...
"Some a**...'s got my pen"
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**....
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**....
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**....
"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.
What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a r**... thermometer in her pocket?
Some a**...'s got my pen.
A nurse walks into a bank...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some a**...'s got my pen."
A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a r**... thermometer and exclaims....
"Some a**...'s got my pen!"
A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a r**... thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...
"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a r**... thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
A doctor walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a r**... thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some a**...'s got my pen."
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a r**... thermometer...
She says, "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
A doctor walks into a bank
A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.
"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some a**...'s got my pen!"
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."
Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some a**...'s got my pen!"
A doctor at work
A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a r**... thermometer instead. "Some a**...'s got my pen!", he exclaims.
*Edited on the suggestion of /u/c**...-hooks*
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a r**... thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a r**... thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some a**...'s got my pen."
A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a r**... thermometer...
"d**..., some a**...'s got my pen again!"
A nurse began writing a letter with a r**... thermometer
When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:
'Dammit, some a**... has my pen!'
How do you know if your using a r**... thermometer wrong?
The taste.
A nurse needed to write something down…
She reached to her pocket but only found a r**... thermometer. "Some a**...'s got my pen!" She exclaimed.
A doctor walks into a bank...
When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a r**... thermometer out of his pocket. He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"
My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription
I said: "Doctor, you've got a r**... thermometer in your hand!"
He replied: "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pen!"
Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
A doctor goes to write a prescription, and pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket
"Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
Proctologist walks into a bank
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a r**... thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some a**...'s got my pen!"
A nurse pulls a r**... thermometer out of her pocket....
"Oh no, some a**... has my pen!"
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health
The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all
The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff
Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke
What's the difference between o**... thermometer and r**... thermometer?
The taste.
A nurse finds a r**... thermometer in her pocket
The first thing she thinks is "Some a**...'s got my pen"
My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales
I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!
What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."
Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?
During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your a**...."
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
I don't know who Lana is...
But I borrowed her thermometer and it tastes like s**....
A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a r**... thermometer.
Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "d**..., some a**... has got my pen."
Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit....
Teller says, Can you sign the deposit slip please? .
Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a r**... thermometer. He looks at it and then shakes his head. Aw c**... he says, some a**...'s got my pen!
A nurse walks into a bank…
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some a**...'s got my pen!"
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"
What did the nurse say when she found a r**... thermometer in her pocket?
Some a**... has my pen!
A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.
She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"g**..., some a**...'s got my pen!"
An astrologist goes to a doctor
After a few tests he says "Doctor, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says "Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all."
The astrologist exclaims, "What?! You're actually right. I'm shocked that a doctor believes in astrology"
"Oh, not that." replies the doctor. "My thermometer broke"
A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...
He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a r**... thermometer.
He says, "Great! Now some a**... has my pen!"
Do you know the difference from a r**... thermometer and a regular thermometer?
The taste ._.
The difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer
is all a matter of taste.
A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor.....
and stopped to speak to the head nurse.
Oh doctor, she said, you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear.
s**...! cried the doctor. Some a**... has my pen!
The Alternative Healer
A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".
Doctor
A busy doctor is reading a chart by a patient.
The nurse says, Doctor, you really should not carry a thermometer behind your ear like that.
The doctor takes the thermometer, frowns and says, Darn! Some a**... has my pen .
