Thermometer Jokes

What are some Thermometer jokes?

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Mainly, the taste.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...

"Some asshole's got my pen"

Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"

A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen....

and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"

A doctor walks into a bank

A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.

"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

A doctor walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought...

"Some asshole's got my pen"

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some asshole's got my pencil!"

A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health

The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all

The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff

Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.

So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket....

"Oh no, some arsehole has my pen!"

My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving.

We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever the mood struck.

On morning at breakfast, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt. My wife reached for it at the same time. Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there. Nine months later we had a baby.

Of course, we still aren't allowed in our local Burger King, but I think it was worth it.

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Some arsehole's got my pen.

A doctor walks into a bank...

When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

A nurse needed to write something down…

She reached to her pocket but only found a rectal thermometer. "Some asshole's got my pen!" She exclaimed.

Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer...

She says, "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims....

"Some arsehole's got my pen!"

What's the difference between oral thermometer and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

How do you know if your using a rectal thermometer wrong?

The taste.

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

Will I be ok doc?

I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now

I replied I don't do that Astrology stuff

Me neither the Doctor replied my thermometer just broke

Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"

Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."

Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."

He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole's got my pen!"

A doctor goes to write a prescription, and pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket

"Great, some asshole's got my pen."

My doctor told me I need to stop drinking

so he could put the thermometer in my mouth

A proctologist pulls a thermometer out from his coat pocket...

Great, now some A**hole has my pen!

A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

Tired Nurse Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
Tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
Without missing a beat, she says . . .

''Well, that's great . . . Just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

Because he had more degrees.

The nurse sauntered in with the thermometer...

She was here to temp me.

My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

As she slid in the rectal thermometer I got a throbbing and very noticeable erection. I did my best to hide it but...

...the vet said that it would probably be better if I waited outside while she took my dog's temperature.

How can you tell an oral from a rectal thermometer?

By the taste.

My thermometer took a book into the sauna.

It's well red.

A man noticed that his thermometer had come down with a nasty cold.

Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?"

The thermometer responded, "0K."

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

You might have graduated but I have got many degrees.

'Your IQ is too low to use the oral thermometer correctly' said the doctor

The patient took it the wrong way

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[NSFW] My doctor was having trouble writing my prescriptio,

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

How to make Thermometer puns?

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