The Best 92 Therapist Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Therapist jokes. There are some therapist intimacy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these therapist obsessions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Therapist Jokes and Puns

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?



**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can't say that I'm surprised.

Therapist joke, My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania

I've already taken something valuable from each session

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

We'll see about that.

Rude awakening

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this problem doctor. Every time we're in bed my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.". "The problem," she complains, " is that it wakes me up."

Therapist joke, Rude awakening

Are there any therapists who interject "That's what she said!" during their sessions?

If not, it's a hole that needs to be filled.

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."

I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."

"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."

-----

Steve Wright

I have the punchline, can't remember the joke.

My father used to tell a joke, that involved the guy talking to a priest or therapist, and he is worried about a reoccurring dream that involves him having sex with a chicken (can't remember who was doing what with who). It ends with the teller blowing a ripped up napkin all over the table.

Any help?

You can explore therapist counselor reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean therapist masseur dad jokes. There are also therapist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy

After 5 years of therapy, my therapist finally said something that brought tears to my eyes.

'No hablo ingles'

"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

Therapist joke, My therapist says I'm paranoid.

My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her stuff...

He says "What's wrong? Are you leaving me?"
She says "That's right! My therapist finally convinced me that you're a pedophile."
He says "Pedophile huh? That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old."


I told my therapist that no one understands me...

She said, "What do you mean by that?"

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

John: "Nah, I was just a kid."

Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.

"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says. "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."

"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."

"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.

"Recoil", I calmly answered.

THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me

ME: I don't do it on porpoise

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

I told my therapist that I was hearing voices.

He told me I didn't have a therapist.

My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management

I lost it.

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible

My therapist replied, "who said that?"

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist...

It's a shame that she died years ago.

My therapist committed suicide today.

Hi suicide note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

My therapist says that I have revenge issues.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.

He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...

I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don't have a therapist.

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for Β£6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

My therapist suggested I write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having sex much more often.

My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.

My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*

S*orry to bother you again.*

My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds".....

So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can't say that I'm surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

Therapist ask what my greatest fear is

therapist: what's your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long??

My mother always said "You can't make everyone happy".

Might explain why she lost her job as a therapist.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

A man and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?

Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.

Therapist: And you?

Him: A car.

My therapist says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."

"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"

"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."

I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it's missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

My therapist told me, You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?

I said, Can't say that I do.

My therapist said, Yes, that's the main one.

What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist?

A Cairopractor

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?

Me: "screams"

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: "continues to scream"

therapist: describe this picture

me: that's my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren't these normally ink blots

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.

Me: My truck.

Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?

Me: With sarcasm mostly.

Therapist: Has that been working?

Me: Yeah it's been super great.

Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people.

Therapist: Who said that?

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

i asked my therapist: can you cure my bondage addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

Therapist: I've concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can't say that I am surprised!

At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience how many couples have sex daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked how many couples have sex weekly about 30% raised their hands

then he asked how many couples have sex monthly the remaining audience raised their hands

Finally he asked how many have sex yearly one guy in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have sex one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

I recently became a therapist and had a new girl come in today

I could tell she thought I was judgemental the minute I looked at her

I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I've got to want to help myself.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it's essential that the lightbulb wants to change.

Me: I'm terrified of the song 'I Want it That Way'

Therapist: Tell me why?

Me: **screams**

A secretary tells the therapist "you have a new patient here"

Secretary: He wants you to help him because he believes he's invisible. He doesn't have an appointment, though.

Therapist: "No appointment?! Tell him I can't see him."

Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see?

Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.

Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture.

My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I've got to cook, I've got to clean, it's tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

Do you suffer from chronic masturbation?

As a therapist i can help. We can beat it together.

After I did a Rorschach test, the therapist said I was a pervert.

That's unfair. He's the one with the dirty pictures.

What does a therapist feed a cannibal?

Piece of mind

A man is lying on a couch in his therapists office...

The man: Doc, I think I have a fetish for figuring things out.

Therapist: ...What makes you think that?

The man: I just came to that realization.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the therapist therapeutic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working therapist chiropractor piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes