Therapist Jokes
115 therapist jokes and hilarious therapist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about therapist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Check out our collection of therapist jokes. From bad therapy sessions to crazy patients, we've got all the jokes to help you get through your day.
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Funniest Therapist Short Jokes
Short therapist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The therapist humour may include short psychologist jokes also.
- My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions. Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It's a feminine pronoun, - Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck. - Me: I'm afraid of random letters Therapist: you are?
Me: "screams"
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: "continues to scream" - My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
- My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
- A trans man went to his therapist and then a gender reassignment surgeon. To both of them he said the same thing... I need to get something off my chest.
- My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later
- My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000 She must think I'm crazy!!
- How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.
But it's essential that the lightbulb wants to change. - I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts He said I have to start paying in advance
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Therapist One Liners
Which therapist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with therapist? I can suggest the ones about practitioner and therapy.
- I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"
- I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible My therapist replied, "who said that?"
- My therapist keeps telling me that I'm obsessed with vengeance… We'll see about that
- My therapist told me I am quite self aware. I already knew that.
- My therapist says that I have revenge issues. We'll see about that, won't we?
- Why did the therapist's patient like to run so much? Because he had ten issues.
- My therapist says I'm narcissistic. How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?
- My therapist says I have schizophrenia Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist
- My therapist told me I have multiple personalities... Now she charges me a group rate.
- My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know? Clearly not as much as me.
- What does a therapist feed a cannibal? Piece of mind
- My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature. I responded, "sixty-nine."
- What kind of shoes do therapists wear? Issues.
- I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12. But she dozen seem to care.
- I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys. Therapist: "Tell me why"
Physical Therapist Jokes
Here is a list of funny physical therapist jokes and even better physical therapist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think my Physical Therapist is into me. She said I had acute tendinitis.
- What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn't support women? Massage a knee.
- My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill. My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Therapist Jokes
What funny jokes about therapist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean counselor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make therapist pranks.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania
I've already taken something valuable from each session
Finish what you start!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Are there any therapists who interject "That's what she said!" during their sessions?
If not, it's a hole that needs to be filled.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have the punchline, can't remember the joke.
My father used to tell a joke, that involved the guy talking to a priest or therapist, and he is worried about a reoccurring dream that involves him having s**... with a chicken (can't remember who was doing what with who). It ends with the teller blowing a ripped up napkin all over the table.
Any help?
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy
After 5 years of therapy, my therapist finally said something that brought tears to my eyes.
'No hablo ingles'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Earl
Earl walks into Bubba's barn and finds Bubba dancing n**... in front of his John Deere. Earl says "Bubba what are you doin' "
Bubba says "Me and the wife haven't been doin so good in the bedroom lately and the therapist said I should do something s**... to a tractor"
"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"
"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist asked me to stop w**.... I asked how long i should stop for...
He said at least until i left his office
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...
He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise
Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.
And he says I'm fine.
I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.
He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.
My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.
Now there is blood everywhere.
People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist...
It's a shame that she died years ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist committed s**... today.
Hi s**... note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.
I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.
He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having s**... much more often.
My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.
My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.
*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*
Therapist ask what my greatest fear is
therapist: what's your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long??
My mother always said "You can't make everyone happy".
Might explain why she lost her job as a therapist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.
Wow thanks I'm cured.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to see a s**... therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."
"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"
"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I c**... my car because it's missing the pedal that helps me stop
He said he thinks I need a brake
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
therapist: describe this picture
me: that's my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having s**... with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren't these normally ink blots
Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?
Me: With sarcasm mostly.
Therapist: Has that been working?
Me: Yeah it's been super great.
I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.
My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i asked my therapist: can you cure my b**... addiction?
he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"
What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?
"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.
Can't say I'm surprised.
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
Therapist: I've concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can't say that I am surprised!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a conference a s**... therapist was discussing his book s**... in a Marriage
The therapist asked the audience how many couples have s**... daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... weekly about 30% raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... monthly the remaining audience raised their hands
Finally he asked how many have s**... yearly o**... in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have s**... one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day
I recently became a therapist and had a new girl come in today
I could tell she thought I was judgemental the minute I looked at her
My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.
But first I've got to want to help myself.
A secretary tells the therapist "you have a new patient here"
Secretary: He wants you to help him because he believes he's invisible. He doesn't have an appointment, though.
Therapist: "No appointment?! Tell him I can't see him."
Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see?
Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.
Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture.
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. I've got to cook, I've got to clean, it's tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.
When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.
Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing n**... around his John Deer!
Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?
Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom, so we went to see a s**... therapist. I'm just doing what she suggested."
"Do something s**... to a tractor!"
After I did a Rorschach test, the therapist said I was a pervert.
That's unfair. He's the one with the dirty pictures.
I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.
I said "I knew it!!"
I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.
He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.
I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.
He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.
I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.
Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.
My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.
Or at least she claims she's my therapist.
Man bought a gun.
A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.
Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"
Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"
Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"
Man: *firing into the ceiling* "Not without a fight!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got done talking to my therapist
He says I have a habit of insulting people who are just trying to help me.
What an a**...!
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers
My therapist asked me How's your home life, stable?
I said No, just a small house down the street
I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies.
My therapist suggested I find an outlet.
I have a friend who has hallucinations
I told him he should talk to a therapist, but he said he is already seeing people
Therapist: So what brought you two here?
Her: I just hate how he takes things so literate
Therapist: What about you?
Him: A car
The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.
He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.
Try to restrain yourself, said the therapist.
