Therapist Jokes

130 therapist jokes and hilarious therapist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about therapist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a good laugh? Check out our collection of therapist jokes. From bad therapy sessions to crazy patients, we've got all the jokes to help you get through your day.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Therapist Short Jokes

Short therapist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The therapist humour may include short psychologist jokes also.

  1. My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions. Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
    Me: It's a feminine pronoun,
  2. Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
    Me: My truck.
  3. Me: I'm afraid of random letters Therapist: you are?
    Me: "screams"
    Therapist: Oh I see
    Me: "continues to scream"
  4. My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
  5. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
  6. Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms? Patient: I can't say that I do.
    Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.
  7. My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them I did that, and it really worked! But I'm wondering, what do I do with the letters?
  8. I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
  9. A trans man went to his therapist and then a gender reassignment surgeon. To both of them he said the same thing... I need to get something off my chest.
  10. My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later

Share These Therapist Jokes With Friends

Therapist One Liners

Which therapist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with therapist? I can suggest the ones about practitioner and therapy.

  1. I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"
  2. I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible My therapist replied, "who said that?"
  3. My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.
  4. My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"..... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.
  5. My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it.
  6. My therapist keeps telling me that I'm obsessed with vengeance… We'll see about that
  7. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that.
  8. My therapist told me I am quite self aware. I already knew that.
  9. I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts He now makes me pay in advance
  10. My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll see about that.
  11. My therapist says that I have revenge issues. We'll see about that, won't we?
  12. My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that.
  13. Why did the therapist's patient like to run so much? Because he had ten issues.
  14. My therapist says I'm narcissistic. How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?
  15. My therapist told me I am obsessed with revenge But I'll show him!

Massage Therapist Jokes

Here is a list of funny massage therapist jokes and even better massage therapist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My massage therapist got fired... I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
  • How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers? He rubbed them all the wrong way
  • I just fired my massage therapist she rubbed me the wrong way
  • I'm not a fan of my friend's massage therapist He just rubs me the wrong way
  • My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her. But she just rubs me the wrong way.
  • What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn't support women? Massage a knee.
  • I lost my job as a massage therapist. Apparently, I rub people the wrong way.
  • i did't like the massage therapist i met yesterday she rubbed me the wrong way
  • What does a massage therapist have for dinner...? SPA-ghetti!
  • I don't think I'm going to go back to my massage therapist. He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

Physical Therapist Jokes

Here is a list of funny physical therapist jokes and even better physical therapist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist? A Cairopractor
  • What do you call a physical therapist from Giza? A cairopractor.
  • I started therapy the other day My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.
  • I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places He told me to stop going to those places
  • a black guy, a rabbi, and a lesbian walk into a bar... across the street their physical therapist watches proudly, they thought they'd never walk again
  • I think my Physical Therapist is into me. She said I had acute tendinitis.
  • My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill. My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.
  • What is the difference between a physical therapist and a t**...? You can negotiate with a t**....
Therapist joke, What is the difference between a physical therapist and a t**...?

Therapist joke, What is the difference between a physical therapist and a t**...?

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Therapist Jokes

What funny jokes about therapist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean counselor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make therapist pranks.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm I keep the letters?

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can't say that I'm surprised.

So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania

I've already taken something valuable from each session

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

Rude awakening

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this problem doctor. Every time we're in bed my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.". "The problem," she complains, " is that it wakes me up."

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
Steve Wright

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.
I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy

"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

My therapist asked me to stop w**.... I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me

ME: I don't do it on porpoise

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."

I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

My therapist committed s**... today.

Hi s**... note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.

He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...

I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don't have a therapist.

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having s**... much more often.

My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.

My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can't say that I'm surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have s**... with me.

A man and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?
Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.
Therapist: And you?
Him: A car.

Whenever I'm at the therapist's waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I'm a fan.

My therapist says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

A man goes to see a s**... therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

My therapist told me, You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?

I said, Can't say that I do.
My therapist said, Yes, that's the main one.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that's my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having s**... with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren't these normally ink blots

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why
Me: *shrieks in t**...*

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

i asked my therapist: can you cure my b**... addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

Therapist: I've concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can't say that I am surprised!

My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I've got to want to help myself.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
But it's essential that the lightbulb wants to change.

Me: I'm terrified of the song 'I Want it That Way'

Therapist: Tell me why?
Me: **screams**

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.

He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.

I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.

I'm terrified of random letters.

Therapist: You are?
Patient: 'Screams'
Therapist: Oh I see.
Patient: 'Screaming intensifies'

I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she's my therapist.

Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.
Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"
Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"
Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"
Man: *firing into the ceiling* "Not without a fight!"

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

How many therapists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Zero, they tell the lightbulb to fix itself

I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

Me: I'm scared of The Backstreet Boys

Therapist: Tell me why
Me: ***screams

My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

Therapist joke, My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issue

jokes about therapist