Cheeky Ther Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can't say that I'm surprised.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...
We'll see about that.
Are there any therapists who interject "That's what she said!" during their sessions?
If not, it's a hole that needs to be filled.
A neutron walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
Ther bartender replies, "For you, free of charge!"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy
My therapist says I'm paranoid.
He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
Thermos
A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.
The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
My therapist asked me to stop w**.... I asked how long i should stop for...
He said at least until i left his office
My therapist says I'm narcissistic.
How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
You can explore ther tha reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ther ock dad jokes. There are also ther puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise
My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...
Now she charges me a group rate.
My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?
Clearly not as much as me.
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"
Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management
I lost it.
My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though
I'll figure out what procrastination means later
My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.
Now there is blood everywhere.
My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.
We'll see about that.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My therapist committed s**... today.
Hi s**... note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature.
I responded, "sixty-nine."
My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.
I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.
I never knew I had IT in me.
My therapist says that I have revenge issues.
We'll see about that, won't we?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
What happens when the thermometer breaks during your r**... examination?
Mercury is in Uranus
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
(I feel like I should put a note here: this is not to mock religion... It's just a joke. If this offends you please get a sense of humor.)
My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000
She must think I'm crazy!!
My therapist suggested I write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.
I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.
*Dear Diary,*
S*orry to bother you again.*
Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?
Me: Can't say that I'm surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.
Therapist ask what my greatest fear is
therapist: what's your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long??
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she wants to have s**... with me.
My therapist says I have schizophrenia
Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.
Wow thanks I'm cured.
Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June
It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.
What do thermometers wear for underwear?
Kelvin Klein
Theresa May to host new game show!
Neither Deal Nor No Deal
My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.
Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.
My therapist told me, You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
I said, Can't say that I do.
My therapist said, Yes, that's the main one.
[On the way to the therapist] Me: You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won't you?
Her: Yes.
Me: I knew it!!
therapist: describe this picture
me: that's my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having s**... with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren't these normally ink blots
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.
Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?
Me: With sarcasm mostly.
Therapist: Has that been working?
Me: Yeah it's been super great.
Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people.
Therapist: Who said that?
What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?
"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."
Therapist: I've concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can't say that I am surprised!
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.
But first I've got to want to help myself.
My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them
He didn't tell me what to do with those d**... letters though.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.
But it's essential that the lightbulb wants to change.
Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see?
Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.
Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture.
What does a therapist feed a cannibal?
Piece of mind
My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
We'll see about that.
My therapist and I had a breakthrough yesterday,
Now he can hear the voices too!
I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.
I said "I knew it!!"
What do a therapist and a septic engineer have in common?
They both get paid to deal with your s**....
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many, the light bulb has to want to change on its own
My therapist told me I am quite self aware.
I already knew that.
My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.
Or at least she claims she's my therapist.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers
My therapist asked me How's your home life, stable?
I said No, just a small house down the street
How many therapists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
Zero, they tell the lightbulb to fix itself
My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....
She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?
My therapist said my hyper-independence was unhealthy.
I then realised I didn't need a therapist.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?
Patient: I can't say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.
Therapist: So what brought you two here?
Her: I just hate how he takes things so literate
Therapist: What about you?
Him: A car
my therapist said time heals all wounds
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.
This morning I woke up and chose violins.
My therapist said my Freudian slips make her uncomfortable
Boy, if I had a n**... for every time I've been told that...
Therapist: Are you aware that you have incredible difficulty verbalizing your emotions?
Man: I can't say I'm surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.
My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them
I did that, and it really worked! But I'm wondering, what do I do with the letters?
My therapist told me I am obsessed with revenge
But I'll show him!
Me to my therapist: Help, I have a crippling fear of the Grease soundtrack!
Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.
Me: Aaaaaaaaaaa-
Therapist: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace
Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters
I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12.
But she dozen seem to care.
My therapist keeps telling me that I'm obsessed with vengeance…
We'll see about that
I told my therapist that I feel like I'm living in a sitcom.
And then about 30 people laughed.
A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…
Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?
Patient: Because you don't take me seriously, and you're always needlessly pedantic!
Therapist: How would you do it?
Patient: I'm going to jump.
Therapist: Now?
Patient: Yes now! I'm looking at a hundred foot drop…
Therapist: Where are you?
Patient: The cliff overlooking the ocean. I mean it doc,I don't care if I drown or hit the rocks. I'll do it! I'll jump!
Therapist: but… that's a bluff.
Patient: …………..
Therapist: Hello?
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated the constant Star Wars puns.
I looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur.
