Ther Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm I keep the letters?

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive.

I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"

Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.

"Recoil", I calmly answered.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."

My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management

I lost it.

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?

Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

We'll see about that.

My therapist committed suicide today.

Hi suicide note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming.

Now there is blood everywhere.

My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds".....

So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My therapist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them."

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

John: "Nah, I was just a kid."

Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."


A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.

The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

My therapist says that I have revenge issues.

We'll see about that, won't we?

My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for...

He said at least until i left his office

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can't say that I'm surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

A neutron walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
Ther bartender replies, "For you, free of charge!"

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can't say that I'm surprised.

My therapist recommended that I write in a diary to help my low self-esteem.

*Dear Diary,*

S*orry to bother you again.*

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy

THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me

ME: I don't do it on porpoise

My therapist says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?

The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

(I feel like I should put a note here: this is not to mock religion... It's just a joke. If this offends you please get a sense of humor.)

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

My therapist suggested I write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Therapist ask what my greatest fear is

therapist: what's your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long??

Are there any therapists who interject "That's what she said!" during their sessions?

If not, it's a hole that needs to be filled.

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

The thermos. [Long]

A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B) noticed the man.

MAN B: "Hey you! What you got there?"

MAN A: "It's called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!"

MAN B: "Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!"

The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.

MAN B: "Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!"

MAN A: "Great! What did you bring for lunch?"

MAN B: "2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!"

My grandpas joke

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant3: anything you want it to be.

Boss: you're hired.

Two goldfish were in ther tank

One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns; I'll drive"

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengence

We'll see about that.

My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature.

I responded, "sixty-nine."

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me...

I'm pretty sure she wants me

My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don't have a therapist.

What is a therapist?

1024 gigapist

My therapist thinks I have a drug problem. My dealer says she's overreacting.

My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.

So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.

Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:

"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"

"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."

"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."

"How nice."

The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.

"Deeear, do you see that statue?"

"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."

"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."

"How nice."

Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.

"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"

"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"

"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."

"How nice."

"Well what has your husband bought for you?"

"He put me through finishing school."

"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"

"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*fuck you*'."

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

My therapist suggested I write letters to all the people I hate and set fire to them. I tried it and feel a lot better...

But now what do I do with all these letters?

The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry...

we haven't slept in 36 years.

I went to go see my therapist without my clothes on. I told him I didn't feel very sane.

My therapist said, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

I need a new therapist.

After a long session with my therapist describing all my various problems, she asked if I'd ever considered suicide. When I said no, she replied "Well, you should."

What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt?

You sane, Bolt

My therapist said...

My therapist said that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

My therapist told me..

My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation.

I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument.

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them.

My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.

Why was the therapist wet?

He therapist his pants!

What do Theresa May and a human trafficker have in common?

They both sell arms to Saudis

My therapist said some exercises would add me several years...

and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.

A therapist who couldn't pronounce his R's correctly was recently fired for being a white supremacist.

Because he told his patients that everything was going to be all white .

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients

His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

"Therapist" is actually two words.

But only one of them feels good.

I went to see a therapist today...

I ended up getting raped.

My therapist said I need to stop quoting shows so much, not sure why, but

That's what she said

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

What does Theresa May do with her old, out-of-style clothes?

She wears them.

My therapist asked me how I knew I was in the wrong body.

I simply checked the gravestone.

Ain't therapy great?

He yawns, but doesn't seem bored,

If you think of his bill, you are poor,

If you're feeling blue,

and want to get screwed,

"The Rapist" -it's there on his door.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.....

..... I'll show him

What are the funniest ther jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ther? Well, here are the best Ther puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ther pick up lines to share with friends.

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