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Theft Jokes

145 theft jokes and hilarious theft puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about theft that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a good laugh? Check out our compilation of jokes related to theft, including identity theft, car theft, bike theft, vandalism and robbery. Get some investigative humor and enjoy the read!

Funniest Theft Short Jokes

Short theft jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The theft humour may include short shoplifting jokes also.

  1. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  2. My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
  3. I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing,
    but when I got home, the signs were all there.
  4. What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common? If you have a star, you're being chased
  5. An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft. 'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
  6. Growing up my mom told me... I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.
  7. I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them. The police however call it theft.
  8. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
    Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  9. When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted. Now the police call that Identity theft.
  10. As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. As it turns out identity theft is a crime

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Theft One Liners

Which theft one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with theft? I can suggest the ones about steal and robbing.

  1. My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
  2. Why can communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  3. Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
  4. A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal.
  5. David was a victim of ID theft He's now known as Dav.
  6. My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
  7. Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto So they can be wanted.
  8. Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
  9. Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray? All proper tea is theft.
  10. Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  11. My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft. Now he is known as S.
  12. Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  13. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat Gets arrested for theft
  14. Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  15. I hear they took Aaron Hernandez out of Madden and put him in Grand Theft Auto V.

Identity Theft Jokes

Here is a list of funny identity theft jokes and even better identity theft puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be." That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!
  • As a young boy, my mother told me I could be anyone I want to be... Turns out this is called identity theft.
  • My dad said that I could be anyone I wanted to be. Now I am wanted by the cops for identity theft.
  • How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
  • You are what you eat Cannibal defends himself against identity theft charges
  • "You can be whoever you want to be!" Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.
  • Did you hear about the person who had no pronouns? They were a victim of gender identity theft.
  • What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before? Identity theft!
    A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.
  • So did you hear about the leprechaun that got arrested for identity theft? Police are calling it a misgnomer
  • Want to know how to avoid identity theft? Have a 350 credit score

Grand Theft Auto Jokes

Here is a list of funny grand theft auto jokes and even better grand theft auto puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto The local police did NOT appreciate that
  • Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians". Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
  • Play a real life version of 'Grand Theft Auto' By spending the day in Manchester.
  • PokemonGo became old, I am more excited for... Grand Theft Auto GO.
  • Rockstar has pretty much confirmed it's making a new Red Dead ... ... Grand Theft Auto V dlc with new customizable skins inspired by attire in the famous western-themed game.
  • What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos
  • I have a Yelp Page My restaurant, Grand Theft Auto, is doing well, but I can't seem to get 5 stars
  • What do you call it when two big polish guy's push a car? Grand theft Auto
  • What do you call a game about The Purge? Grand Theft Auto
  • I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having s**... with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly... I can teach him about these for free.
Theft joke, I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having s**... with prostitutes, stealing from innocent

Car Theft Jokes

Here is a list of funny car theft jokes and even better car theft puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers. It was grand theft audio.
  • Someone broke into my car but only took the stereo system. It was grand theft audio.
  • If a 12 year old in Africa steals a sports car do they call it a joy ride? Grand theft? Or a midlife crisis?
  • So I stopped a car theft the other day Apparently I stole the car and stopped it into a tree.
  • What is Captain Kirk's least favorite 20th century car theft movie? Gorn in 60 Seconds
Theft joke, What is Captain Kirk's least favorite 20th century car theft movie?

Rib-Tickling Theft Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about theft you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stole jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make theft pranks.

A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...

A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

I just had my iPhone stolen. I wish I thought of this before.

Best way to prevent iPhone theft? Make it look like a BlackBerry.

This whole Target credit card theft is a real nightmare

For this reason, I only buy stuff with credit cards I find in lost wallets.

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

2 men were arrested last night for the theft of a calender.....

They both got 6 months

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and r**...?

He was charged with Petty theft.

What's the most reliable thing about a Honda?

It's theft rate.

What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream?

Grand Theft Gelato

I didnt believe my grandfather got fired from his job as a Crossing guard for theft...

But when i got home the signs were there

Did you hear about the wave of arrests of Mexican immigrants for theft and r**...?

Many suspect that the charges are *trumped* up.

Why was Karl Marx arrested for brewing a cup of Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

I committed a petty theft today...

The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D theft.

He's just called S now.

I got caught torrenting "Free Fallin", "American Girl", and "Wildflowers"

They charged me with first degree Petty Theft.

Americans, Asians & Mexicans

What do you call Americans pushing a car up the hill?
A: w**....
What do you call Asians pushing a car up the hill?
A: Asian Power.
What do you call Mexicans pushing a car up the hill?
A: Grand Theft Auto.

Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

A BLONDE'S THEFT

A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

My maid was a victim of ID theft...

Now she's my ma.

Astrid was a victim of ID theft

Now she has to go get a new one.

Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

When I steal a sweater it's called theft

but when a girl does it, it's a sign of affection

What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill?

w**....
What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
Asian power.
What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.

What insurance did Earth, Wind and fire take out for their stage costumes?

Earth, Wind, Fire and theft.

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

A blonde gets in her car...

and notices that her dashboard windshield and steering wheel were missing she called the cops and reported a theft when the cops arrived she was crying in her car and the cops went up to her and said "Ma'am you are sitting in the backseat".

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft

My friend david was a victim of ID theft.

Now he's just Dav.

In the future, theft will be automated by a device.

Its name will be *robbot*.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic

Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?

Because Proper Tea is theft.
(This might be the most British joke I know).

Why can't Marxists enjoy a nice darjeeling?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Plagiarism is the highest form of art, just as theft is the highest form of commerce.

Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

Why did Karl Marx drink mint tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why do Marxist's prefer herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

PSA: Theft of 50k cigarettes

Police are on the look out for a single packet.

Hi, my name is Dav

I am a victim of id theft.

What kind of crime is it to steal a cat?

Petty theft.

What do you call a h**... that was arrested for theft of intellectual property?

An unoriginal thot

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.
I call it online shopping.

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

Theft joke, Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

jokes about theft