The Best 54 Theft Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Theft jokes. There are some theft embezzlement jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these theft wrongly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Theft Jokes and Puns

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic...

A greedy man, a rapist, and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, rape, and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the rapist disappears.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Theft joke, Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!

I hear they took Aaron Hernandez out of Madden

and put him in Grand Theft Auto V.


Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

Theft joke, Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.

Now the police call that Identity theft.

Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

You can explore theft robbery reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean theft steal dad jokes. There are also theft puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Growing up my mom told me...

I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and Refugee?

He was charged with Petty theft.

My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft.

Now he is known as S.

There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Theft joke, Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?

A BLONDE'S THEFT

A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

My maid was a victim of ID theft...

Now she's my ma.


A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

Someone broke into my car and stole my speakers.

It was grand theft audio.

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them.

The police however call it theft.

What do you call white people pushing a car up a hill?

White power.

What do you call asian people pushing a car up a hill?
Asian power.

What do you call mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand theft auto.

Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

David was a victim of ID theft

He's now known as Dav.

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft

My friend david was a victim of ID theft.

Now he's just Dav.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic

Why can communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray?

All proper tea is theft.

Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?

Because Proper Tea is theft.

(This might be the most British joke I know).

My dad said that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Now I am wanted by the cops for identity theft.

What does Grand Theft Auto and Europe in the 1930s have in common?

If you have a star, you're being chased

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat

Gets arrested for theft

Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

Why did Karl Marx drink mint tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why do Marxist's prefer herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Hi, my name is Dav

I am a victim of id theft.

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

It's hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...

Because they tend to take things literally.

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client toγ€€be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew hisγ€€way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

As a young boy, my mother told me I could be anyone I want to be...

Turns out this is called identity theft.

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

ID theft is no joke.

My friend Sid was victim if it. He had to change his name to S.

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"

She responds, "possession."

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"


"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.


The constable thanks him and continues to write the report: "Victim McGregor lost 2 sows and 33 pigs".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the theft marxists jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working theft heist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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