The Best 84 The Train Jokes

Following is our collection of funny The Train jokes. There are some the train theyre jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these the train woman puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest The Train Jokes and Puns

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

Three Blondes

Three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Hey guys, look at the bear tracks." The second blonde said, "Are you stupid? Those are wolf tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong! Those are fox tracks!" They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today...

kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

The Train joke, Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today...

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives


A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

Sergeant Miller!

Yes sir?

I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday!

Thank you sir!

The Train joke, Sergeant Miller!

Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?

I dont know, I just fly the drones.

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

camouflage training

Drill Sergeant: "I DID NOT SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING THIS MORNING CORPORAL!!!!"

Corporal: "Thank you sir."

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

You can explore the train tho reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean the train middleaged dad jokes. There are also the train puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Three blondes are walking through the woods...

They come across a pair of tracks.

The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!"

"No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!"

The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!"

Then the train hit them...

This is my favorite clean joke by far.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

Camouflage training

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

The Train joke, Camouflage training

Why did the crazy mexican crash a train?

He had loco motives...

I'll show myself out

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.


When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital?

I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone.

Camouflage training

"Soldier!"
"Yes, sergeant!"
"I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!"
"Thank you, sergeant!"

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

I just got my prostate examined.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

my dog is training to be a blacksmith

every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man goes

'no'
'its my kidneys'

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Hot Thai girl

I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

A sergeant at a training camp calls one of the new recruits to his office...

"I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"

"Thank you so much, sir!"

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.

I thought to myself, Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection . But she did.

What must you have if you want to crash a train?

A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife isn't she beautiful?

Other man: If you think she's beautiful you should see my wife
First man: Why? Is she a stunner?
Other man: No, she's an ophthalmologist

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys ass and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

So, I trained a chicken to talk

WIFE: Well, let's see

ME: What's a male deer?

CHICKEN: Buck

ME: How much is 200 pennies?

CHICKEN: Buck Buck

WIFE: This is stupid. Chickens just make that sound

ME: Oh believe me it gets better

CHICKEN: Yeah, just be patient Susan

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.

' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.

From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.



*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*


My dear loving son,

Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.

A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.

He said ain't she beautiful?

I told him if you think she's beautiful you should see my wife

Why? Is she a stunner as well?

No she's an optician

When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

I just found out that cock-fighting involves chickens

Well that's 12 months of training wasted

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.

Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?

The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.

Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.

Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?

I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 idiots standing in the way of his train.

What do toy trains and boobs have in common?

They're both made for kids but daddies get to play with em.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the the train train jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working the train directly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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