The New Priest Jokes

Following is our collection of hand humor and theoretic one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include The New Priest puns for adults, dirty suggestions jokes or clean chin gags for kids.

There is an abundance of heat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 51 funniest jokes on the new priest. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sessions witze you can hear about the new priest.

The Best jokes about The New Priest

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Have you heard about the sequel to

the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil
to get a priest out of her son.

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.


He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."


"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."


"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."


An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

New dating app for German Catholic Priests

Kinder

Pittsburgh

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

A naive young priest is sent to New York City...

... and while waking through the park is approached by a scantily-clad prostitute.

"Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!"

He doesn't understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles "no thank you" and hurries Back to the church.

Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, "hey sister what's 'head'?

"Ten bucks same as in the park."

The Baptised beer

A drunkard was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer bottle, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".


Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

There is a plane of children along with a priest, a rabbi, and a rapper is flying to New York

Suddenly, the engine catches fire. The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."

Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the funeral they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."

The bell ringer at a church dies...

So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"

Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"

Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.

"Yesterday I had sex for the first time"

He says while he walks into the room. His mother doesn't believe what she is hearing and walks out of the conversation, while his father is curious and asked:

"So how was it?"

The 15 year old son said that he never felt anything better, which made the father proud while he responded:

"I'll see wether I can't replace your old bicycle with a new one. But you'll have to wait a week so I get my salary first."

"Oh that's fine," the son replies, " the priest told me I won't be able to sit down for the next couple of days anyway."

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand...

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying copies made from still more copies.

"If someone made a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made."

A bit startled, the priest decides he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.

Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally, the new monk decides to see if the guy is alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a copy and the original text. He is sobbing and by the looks of it has been sobbing for quite some time.

"Father?" the monk whispers.

"Oh my goodness," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.' "


I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

Blessed car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancΓ© and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"

Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.

EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.

A guy gets knocked down in the street

A regular looking guy gets knocked down in the street in New York. A crowd gathers round him and a catholic priest pushes though. He has no idea if the guy is catholic or not but he sees that the guy is in a bad way and decides to give him the last rites anyway. The priest kneels down beside the guy and says 'My son: do you believe in god the father, god the son & god the holy ghost?'

At this the guy opens one eye and says 'Oy vay - I am about to die and he asks me riddles!'

The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.

Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem
"Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"

"That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sunday afternoon!"

One astute priest from america chuckes to himself and proclaims:
"Whenever an alter boy acts up I bring him directly to Jesus and we iron it out right there, right then."

The other priests were dumbfound as even they with all their devotion could not speak to Jesus directly! Well a year went by and the priests met up again and exclaimed the same problem with the alter boys was not getting any better. In an attempt to finally resolve their problem they confronted the American priest and asked him for advice. When the American priest spoke he did so with a sad tone in his voice and declared that Jesus had left his church shortly after last years meeting. Shocked the priests asked how this could be! The American priest told them that while he was gone Jesus was caught stealing red wine from the cellar and he had to hire a new janitor.

Have you heard of the new dating app for Catholic priests?

It's called "Kinder".

A new priest....

was extremely nervous about his first sermon in front of the Bishop. An older priest gave him this advice: "take a little of the communion wine. It will relax you."

The young priest, not sure how much he might need, drank until he started to feel relaxed. He got through the service and felt pretty good about his first sermon until he was called into the Bishop's office for a talk.

"First, young man, there are ten commandments, not ten suggestions....

Secondly, we don't refer to the Virgin Mary as 'that prissy woman who married Joseph'...

And finally, it's The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit...

Not 'Big Daddy, JC and The Spook'!"

The Parrot and the Priest

Once there was a priest who owned a Parrot. The priest was about to order gravel for his new driveway and complained loudly about how he didn't have time to order the 15 truckloads that he needed. He left for the church and forgot to lock the parrots cage and the parrot who wanted to help and impress his owner decided to call the gravel company and ordered 50 truckloads of gravel. Later the same week the priest gets home and his driveway is completely covered with gravel so he storms in and asks the parrot "Did you order 50 truckloads of gravel?" the parrot being the wise parrot that he was realized he was in trouble and denied it.

The priest brought in a hammer and some nails, nailed one of the parrots wings to the wall and asked again if he ordered gravel. The parrot continues to deny the charges and soon enough he is entirely nailed to the wall. The priest leaves furiously to try and fix the mess. The parrot looks to his right and sees Jesus hanging there on his own cross and says "Did you also order gravel?"

A Rabbi, a Preist, and a Monk walk into a bar

The Rabbi orders a drink and says, I'm sick of hearing the same old jokes about us recycled over and over again to which the Priest replies, I completely agree! The template is just dragged out and overused. I'd like to see someone try to make a joke about the three of us in a bar that is new. The monk sits back for a moment and then says how about this one?

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

Well, since we're confiding in each other, said the doctor, I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The real estate agent was aghast "I'm ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Inspiration.

A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.

"My son, what's troubling you?"

"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"

"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."

The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.

"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"

"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"

"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"

"Chapter 13."

A new priest is about to give his first sermon...

and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.

"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."

"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.

After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.

"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the virgin Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to hell' has to go."

Midget priest

The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.

He walks in to see a midget priest.

Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"

The midget says "actually we prefer little people"

Bishop replies "Who doesn't"

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.

After the funeral, the three were talking, and the doctor said "I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment for the hospital."

The priest chimed in, "I'm so glad you said that -- I couldn't bring myself to throw away $1 million either. I kept $300,000 to build a new wing on the church."

The lawyer shook his head in disgust and said, "I can't believe you two, ignoring your dead father's wishes like that! When we buried him, that coffin contained my personal check for the full amount of one million dollars!"

Did y'all hear about the new Exorcist movie? Apparently there's a twist.

The devil comes to take the priest out of the kid.

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,

"Did any of you know that man?"

And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

Fathers

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father of many".

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...

and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.


A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the funeral the trio met up.

The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."

The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."

The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"

Code Word

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit! "Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen. "From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen. "This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! "The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week! "

What was the overzealous priest's new year's resolution?

To exorcise more.

Did you guys hear about the new exorcist movie?

where the woman hires the devil to pull the priest out of her son.

Did you hear of the new Marijuana related church?

It gives new meaning to the term High Priest.

Have you heard about the new Exorcist movie?

The mother calls the Devil to pull the priest out of her son.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.


She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Why did the Egyptian priests think the new Pharaoh was going to die young?

Because he was a too-tan commoner.

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

So the business man turned into a priest...

He talks alot about his new profit!

A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...

And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes