Loads of Fun with Charming Humor The Medicine Jokes
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
Russian pharmacy
Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Where do Cows get their medicine from?
The Farmacy.
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Did you hear about the guy who OD'ed on homeopathic medicine?
He had forgotten to take them.
What Do Pastafarians Smoke?
Medicinal Marinara.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?
Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
You can explore the medicine customs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean the medicine shipment dad jokes. There are also the medicine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call alternative medicine that works?
Medicine.
A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:
"Quack!"
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
If laughter was the best medicine...
Your face would cure the world!
A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall
He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'
They say laughter is the best medicine
Thats why I always make sure to laugh when someone tells me they have cancer.
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?
Medicine
... runs off ...
I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke...
He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it :/
I heard laughter is the best medicine
I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?
A mental hospital
A Russian doctor is treating his patient.
*"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*
*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?"*
Unemployment at its best!
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Why did the tractor sell medicines?
Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry...
They say that laughter is the best medicine.
Well, I have diarrhea and it's making it worse.
What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?
Shake well before use.
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.
An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.
She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.
Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.
Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...
clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
Gonorrhea
would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him
He did not like the taste of his own medicine
If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?
Medicine
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.
Now her clothes don't fit.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
There are 3 farmers, let's call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?
Farmer C
A joke originally told in Arabic
The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.
"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"
"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."
The man refuses though and says:
"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"
Sick chihuahua
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They're immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
This must be a mistake, the man says. I've been here only 20 minutes!
No mistake, the doctor says. It's $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.
I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.
But, no one else would get it.
How did the people of India get so good at medicine?
They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.
But I'm not buying it.
My doctor prescribed me medicines for dailysex.
But my girlfriend keeps telling me, its for dyslexia.
A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.
"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said
"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"
"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight"
Caught the flu in Madrid on a business trip.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!
So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...
"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."
so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going to bed tonight and the dreams will be gone".
to which the guy replies: "no no no doctor, not tonight because it's the FINALS".
(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
Coffin Medicine
Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.
This makes him the centaur for disease control.
I accidentally took my cat's medicine last night
Don't ask meow!
The Best Medicine
A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"
The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"
"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing!" the man said. "Put your ear up to my knee!"
The doctor put his ear up to the man's knee and heard, "I really need $20! Please give me $20!"
"Ah," the doctor said. "I know exactly what's wrong. Your leg appears to be broke in two places."
Mary Poppins in the 60's: "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down."
Eli Lilly & Merck in the 00's, "A syringe-full of medicine makes the sugar go down."
Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?
"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"
"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."
The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.
I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine
A Cairo-practor
