the jewish couple Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious the jewish couple puns

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

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An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

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An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion.
Couple of years later, the same story happens. The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.
"But last time you gave me a car and a mansion"
"Well, last time I had no Jewish blood flowing in me".

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First Jewish President

The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.

A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House.

The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!"

"Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"

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God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

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Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day..

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the
man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money,
money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out
of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the
Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink.
You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight!
You are damned to Hell!"

With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and
says, "Fanny, I think we have a problem..."

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Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"

After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.

"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."

"But Motti, look at me, I'm butt-naked, I can't have him see me like this!"

Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's crotch, thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:

"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"

"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

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An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...

...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"

She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."

Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

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Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. However, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

​

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island.

Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the yeshiva yet?" "No, Morris" she responds.

Morris smiles and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" Oy, no! I haven't sent the check!!" she says.

Now Morris laughs out loud. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" he asks.

"Oy, Morris I haven't sent that one, either!" says Esther.

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris, "So, nu? What are you smiling and laughing about?"

​

Morris answers confidently, "They'll find us."

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A Jewish wife isn't getting any joy in bed...

...and so the couple decides to ask their rabbi for advice. 'Easy' he says, 'When you make love, get a young man to shake a towel above the two of you while you are doing it'. They decide to go for it and get the strapping chap from next to door to awkwardly stand there shaking the towel above them while they copulate, and nothing happens.

Disappointed, they return to the Rabbi who suggests that next time perhaps the husband and the young man should swap places. They're not too sure about this one but the situation is quite dire. So here they are: the guy from next door is having sex with the wife while the husband is shaking the towel when suddenly the wife has this screaming, window-shattering orgasm. At this point the husband gets really angry and yells 'Can't you see?! THAT's how you're supposed to shake the towel!!'

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German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

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After my dad died in WWII...

My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

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A young Jewish couple was getting married...

As the wedding party was getting ready to enter the hall, they noticed the bride and groom were missing.

After a few minutes the groom shows up with a HUGE smile on his face.

His best man says "dude, I know you're getting married, this is a happy day, but that is quite a smile".

The groom says "I just snuck into the bridesroom and my wife to be gave me the best blow job of my life, honestly I can't believe my luck marrying this woman.

The men walk in and a few seconds later the bride shows up with a HUGE smile on her face. Her maid-of-honor says "sweetheart, you're getting married, it's a great day, but that is quite a smile".

The bride says "I know, but I just gave my laaaast blow job!"

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Rabbi and Priest

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

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Two Jews at Miami Beach

Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?

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You can never win

So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.

A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.

He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:

"What's wrong with the other tie?"

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A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...

... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

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A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"

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A Jewish couple is about to consummate their marriage...

But before they get to business, they both have to use the restroom. The groom goes in and goes pee, and after he is done, he forgets to put the seat down. The bride, not realizing the seat was still up, sits down and gets stuck in the toilet.

She yells for help, and her new husband comes in to see what's the matter. She says, "I'm stuck in the toilet, do something." The groom responds, "What am I supposed to do?" to which the bride replied, "For crying out loud, call a plumber, and get that damn Rabbi in here."

So the groom calls the front desk of the hotel and they reach out to a plumber. In the meantime, the Rabbi arrives in the room and speaks to the bride. She tells him, "quick the plumber is about to get here, and I need to guard my private parts. Hand me your Yarmulke."

The plumber arrives a few minutes later and the groom asks, "can you save my wife?" The plumber says, "sure, I can definitely save your wife, but the Rabbi is a goner."

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An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

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Did you hear about the Jewish couple that met during the Holocaust?

They were star-crossed lovers.

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A Jewish couple visit China

A Jewish couple is visiting China, and as they sit down to dinner they begin to wonder about whether there are any ancient synagogues to visit.

The waiter comes to take their order, and the couple asks if there are any Chinese jews, the waiter asks them to wait a minute and comes right back.

"We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

Cr

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Speaking as a Jewish couple, you know what the worst part of the divorce is?

Putting that wine glass back together, oy vey.

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What do Jewish couples do when they hang out

netflix and shill

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Why did the old Jewish couple stay unhappily married for 50 years?

Divorce proceedings cost money

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Why did the Jewish couple named their child 137645?

They named him after his grandad

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A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner.


The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is a soup made with matzoh balls."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.
Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally, he agrees.
He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," he said, but I was wondering...
"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

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What are the most funny The Jewish Couple jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about The Jewish Couple? Well, here are the best The Jewish Couple dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and The Jewish Couple pick up lines to share with friends.

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