The Jewish Couple Jokes

What are some The Jewish Couple jokes?

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion.
Couple of years later, the same story happens. The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.
"But last time you gave me a car and a mansion"
"Well, last time I had no Jewish blood flowing in me".

First Jewish President

The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.

A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House.

The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!"

"Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"

God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"

After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.

"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."

"But Motti, look at me, I'm butt-naked, I can't have him see me like this!"

Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's crotch, thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:

"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"

"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...

...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"

She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."

Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

A young Jewish couple was getting married...

As the wedding party was getting ready to enter the hall, they noticed the bride and groom were missing.

After a few minutes the groom shows up with a HUGE smile on his face.

His best man says "dude, I know you're getting married, this is a happy day, but that is quite a smile".

The groom says "I just snuck into the bridesroom and my wife to be gave me the best blow job of my life, honestly I can't believe my luck marrying this woman.

The men walk in and a few seconds later the bride shows up with a HUGE smile on her face. Her maid-of-honor says "sweetheart, you're getting married, it's a great day, but that is quite a smile".

The bride says "I know, but I just gave my laaaast blow job!"

Rabbi and Priest

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Two Jews at Miami Beach

Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?

You can never win

So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.

A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.

He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:

"What's wrong with the other tie?"

A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

Did you hear about the Jewish couple that met during the Holocaust?

They were star-crossed lovers.

A Jewish couple visit China

A Jewish couple is visiting China, and as they sit down to dinner they begin to wonder about whether there are any ancient synagogues to visit.

The waiter comes to take their order, and the couple asks if there are any Chinese jews, the waiter asks them to wait a minute and comes right back.

"We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews."


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