The Best 73 The Checkup Jokes

Following is our collection of funny The Checkup jokes. There are some the checkup asks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these the checkup bad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest The Checkup Jokes and Puns

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

An old woman goes to the doctor's office.



The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."

The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

a man goes to a doctors office

to get a diagnosis from his previous checkup. the doctor says to the man "ok sir there is some bad news, we found 2 things wrong with you."
the man says "ok doc just hit me with 'em"
the doctor says "ok well, you have cancer"
*the man nods gravely
"and you have alzheimers disease"

the man then stands up smiling, happy as can be, and says "oh thanks doc, i thought you were going to tell me i had cancer!"

The Checkup joke, a man goes to a doctors office

A man goes to a new doctor for a checkup upon which the doctor discovers he has five penises.

The doctor says, That's unbelievable, how do your pants fit!

The man says "Like a glove."

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."


I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .

A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been masturbating too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Stop masturbating? When can I start again?"

The doctor responds, "Well I'd appreciate it if you waited until you left my office."

*

The Checkup joke, A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .

A man goes in to the doctor's for a checkup...

The doctor says "Let's get started, shall we? Why don't you take your clothes off and put them over there... Next to mine."

So a 14 year old girl goes to the doctor for a checkup...

He puts the stethoscope up to her heart and says,

"Big breaths."

And she says,

"Thankth! I grew them mythelf!"

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Here's the good news (OC)

A guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. The doctor finishes up and invites him into the office.

"So, which first? The bad news or the good news?"

"Good news, doc", says the guy.

To which the doctor replies, "Well, you won't be needing any more annual prostate exams."

You can explore the checkup thermal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean the checkup complete dad jokes. There are also the checkup puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Medical checkup

An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.

The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:

"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies:

"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."

A man hasn't been feeling so well so he goes to the doctor...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

This was my grandma's favourite joke

Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.

"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.

There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."

"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"

A man goes in for a checkup

The doctor says, "Sir, you will need to stop masterbating."

The man looks at him and says, "Why?"

The doctor responds, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I was having a checkup when my doctor said it was time for my prostate exam

Halfway through I remembered he was my dentist

The Checkup joke, I was having a checkup when my doctor said it was time for my prostate exam

No matter which doctor I go to for a general checkup, they all hit me on the knee.

I think they get a kick out of it.

So the other day I'm at my routinely checkup.

The doctor tells me to pull down my pants so he can examine my genitals, so I do that. He takes a look, and after about 30 seconds he says to me, "you have to stop masturbating." I ask, "what, why?" to which he replies "because we're in the middle of a checkup!"

The doctors found a malignant tumor at my checkup the other day...

It's really starting to grow on me


A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup...

...and the doctor says:

"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news," says the man.

"You have twenty four hours to live."

"What?" says the man. "If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"

"I should have told you yesterday."

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

I went to the doctor for a checkup.

A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one."

Annual Checkup

Kenneth is visiting his doctor for his annual physical.

DOC: I strongly recommend you quit masturbating.

KEN: Why?

DOC: I'm trying to perform a prostate exam.

I went to the Doctors today for a checkup

He told me that I had one of the best digestive systems he'd ever seen.

So today I'm celebrating superb bowel sunday.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

A man is at the doctor for a routine checkup

After examining the man for a few minutes the doctor sighs and says

"Look, there's no easy way to say this but you need to stop masturbating."

"What? Why, doc?"

"Because I'm trying to do an examination on you for gods sake"

Doctor's Office

A man is called into the doctor's office for his yearly checkup. When he enters the office, the doctor tells the man that he needs to stop masturbating.

The man is taken aback. Angrily, he asks the doctor why.

The doctor says "So I can examine you."

A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating."

"Why?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Though if you don't go see your doctor regularly for checkups, you're bananas!

I was at a checkup..

And the doctor said i need to stop masturbating
"Why?"
"Because I'm checking you."

A guy went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor said,"Well first of all, sir, you'll have to stop masturbating." The guy said,"Why?" The doctor replied, "So I can examine you."

At my last checkup, the dentist told me my teeth were very white, when I asked him exactly how white...

...he told me they'd already colonized my entire mouth.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

Asteriskie_, want to do a Privacy Checkup?

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My doctor is a very attractive woman. At my last checkup she said, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating." I asked, "why?"

She said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Prostate examination [NSFW]

A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. It's only a minute before the Doctor comes in and tells him to drop his trousers. Asked where to put his pants, Doctor says "right here next to mine."

The cruelest cut

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, Is there anything you'd like to discuss?

Well, said the patient, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.

That's a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?

Yes, we took a vote … and they're in favor of it 15 to 2.

An old lady visits her doctor...

...and says to him:

"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep farting all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"

"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."

One week later she comes by and says:

"Doctor! Not only didn't the farting stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"

The doctor replies:

"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."

I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me oral during checkups.

I'm starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn't for me.

the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"

The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient

During a routine checkup a patient asks their doctor if diarrhea is hereditary.

Theo doctor responds, absolutely, sometimes it runs in the jeans!

A guy is getting his routine checkup.

The doctor is doing the usual, checking his ears, checking his nervous responses, going over his records, etc. Over time, the doctor looks increasingly grave. Eventually, he stops his examination, takes off his glasses, and says: "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man is shocked. "Why?" He asks, flummoxed and concerned. The doctor replies:

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

Prostate checkup

I went for a checkup and got my prostate examined. I asked him if everything was okay and he said "feels fine to me, but what do I know i'm just your dentist"

A man is getting a checkup

Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating."

Man: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you."

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. Doctor says, Okay I've got bad news and really bad news. Old man: Well, okay. what's the really bad news? You've got cancer. It's extremely aggressive and I'm giving you two weeks to live. Oh god....what's the bad news? You've got Alzheimer's disease. Oh what a relief! I though you were going to tell me I had cancer!

Well my checkup at the ADD/ADHD clinic went well today and I didn't have to miss any work!

Thank goodness it only lasted two minutes.

Annual medical check

A man went in for his annual medical checkup and the doctor said "dont eat anything fatty"

The man sighed and said "does that include burgers and fries?"

"No, fatty, I mean dont eat anything!" Replied the doctor

An exterminator goes to the doctor

At the end of the checkup, the doctor says, "You are in perfect health, except for a large mole on your arm"

The exterminator replies, "Shoot, I missed one!"

A man goes to the doctor...

and the during his checkup the doctor says, "Good, good."

He asks the doctor, "What could possibly be good about this? I can barely walk."

To which the doctor replies, "It's a good thing I dont have what you have."

A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup

When the doctor walks in he looks at the man's chart and says although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
Now just to let you know this may cause an erection, warns the doctor.
I think I'll be fine, the man replied
I wasn't talking about you.

A mans wife goes in for a dental checkup.

After the appointment the doctor comes out to greet the man.

The man says "how was it?"

The doctor replies "Your wife has a lot of cavities that need to be filled."

The man replies "that must be hard on you."

The doctor replies "Not really I get paid every month to drill your wife."

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."

"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

An old man goes in for his annual checkup...

After some tests, the doctor comes in and tells him "I've got some bad news and some worse news, which do you want first?". The old man says "Gimme the worse news". Doc says "You've got cancer". Old man shakes his head and asks for the bad news. Doc says "You've got Alzheimer's". Old man hangs his head low for a moment, looks up at the doctor and says "At least I don't have cancer".

A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup

"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."

"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."

"Thanks doc."

"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."

"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.

After a while, the doc says, Sir, you'll have to stop masturbating.

Why? What for?

The doc replies, I'm examining you.

A man and a Doctor

A man's getting a checkup at his local doctors office

#Doctor: Sir you are going to need to stop masturbating

#Man: Forever?

#Doctor: No, just while i finish up the prostate exam

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

I had a checkup at the doctor recently, he told me, Don't eat anything fatty.

I said, What, like bacon and burgers?

-

He said, No, fatty don't eat anything.

Asian guy goes to a eye doctor

After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

Doc I got a problem.

Patient goes on a checkup.
Doctor: What's the problem?
Patient: Whenever I drink tea my eye hurts.
Doctor: have you tried taking the spoon out.

A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every sexual activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."

So after my recent checkup, my doctor told me not to eat anything fatty

Me: You mean like burgers and fries right?

Doctor: No, don't eat anything, Fatty.

So a man sees his doctor for a checkup.

Doctor: Ok, so I have two pieces of bad news

Man: Ok what's the first one?

Doctor: Well, you have cancer.

Man: Ok, what's the second thing?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups."

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor comes out and says You have to stop masturbating. The guy says, Really? Why?

The doctor says, Because I'm just trying to examine you.

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

A guy goes to the doctor and after a checkup the doctor discovers that he has three testicles.

The patient asks whether that is a problem, but the doctor assures him that it's not and that he'd wish he had three testicles.

Kind of proud the patient leaves the doctor's office and sits on a park bench next to a stranger.

He says to him: "Together we have five testicles.", to which the other replies: "Why? Do you have none?"

So this woman had some heart troubles….

She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she's been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"

She says: "at my balls"…

A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conversation at all "

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are at the OBGYN's office for their pregnancy checkups.

The redhead says, "I was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a girl."

The brunette says, "He was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a boy."

The blonde bursts into tears.  "I'm having puppies!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the the checkup theoretic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working the checkup promiscuous piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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