Thats What She Said Jokes
78 thats what she said jokes and hilarious thats what she said puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thats what she said that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Short thats what she said jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thats what she said humour may include short shes jokes also.
- I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability. I'm well aware
- The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous" I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"
- It's said that Jesus could walk on water... Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries
- I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself... Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.
- I told my boyfriend that people with lower IQs are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories... He said Thats what they want you to think!
- My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
- My uncle always said to fight fire with fire... I guess thats why he's not a fireman anymore.
- A guys car broke down in Alaska. A mechanic came by to look at it and said "looks like you blew a seal" the guy replies "no thats just frost on my moustache"
- My sister is trying to become an impressionist but she's really bad at it. I asked her to do a Luke Skywalker impersonation and she just said NOOOOOOO THATS IMPOSSIPLE!
- After the Satanic being I summoned killed a bunch of people, everyone said it was evil But I told them thats just how it was raised
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Thats What She Said One Liners
Which thats what she said one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thats what she said? I can suggest the ones about last time i heard that and your mom called.
- After years of courting her , she finally said yes Followed by 'thats him, officer'
- She said yes! Thats's right - mom finally admitted that I'm adopted.
- "Meeehhhhhh" Thats what sheep said
- Dont hit me! Thats whats she said.
Bazzinga - A guy came into a bar And the bartender said: " you better clean that up, thats n**..."
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Thats What She Said Jokes
What funny jokes about thats what she said you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean i believe in the saying jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thats what she said pranks.
A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets.
He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a s**.... The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the f**..."
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets.
He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a s**.... The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the f**..."
A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets.
He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a s**.... The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the f**..."
One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.
She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !
A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite?"
The man replies, "No my dog doesn't."
The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man.
"Thats not my dog", replied the other.
The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint.
"Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my s**... drive."
"Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your s**... drives all in your head."
"Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little."
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...
but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."
A mother had three sons...
The first day the oldest boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Feather?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny feather landed on your head."
The next day the second boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Leaf?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny leaf landed on your head."
The third day the youngest boy ran up to his mother and said: "Moaaah, whaaa yu chueehhe bluahrehbah!".
The mother sighed and replied: "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
My dad eats lightbulbs
One day these three little boys were bragging about their dads. The first little boy said, "my daddy can lift 100lbs. over his head." The second little boy said, "thats nothing my daddy can lift 200lbs. over his head." The third little boy said, "Thats nothing my daddy can eat light bulbs!" The other two little boys were like really hows that? the boy said, "Yeah i heard my daddy tell my mommy in the bed room the other night you turn that light off and I'll eat that thang!
Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven...
..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam.
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy one! It was eve.
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
And st. Petrus asks the third nun: what was the first thing that eve said to adam?
She answers: oh... Thats a hard one!
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And thats how the fight started....
Jesus is watching you.
=
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Entered a competition with 10 of my best puns thinking at least one would win....
No pun in ten did.
Sorry if thats been said. It's just my favorite pun and I thought I'd share it.
...and thats how the fight started..
My Wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked me 'What's on TV?" I said 'Dust"
..and thats how the fight started..
My Wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said 'I want something shiny that goes from 0- 100 in about 3 seconds'. i bought her a weighing scale.
.. and that how the fight started.
I asked my wife, ' where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciaition. 'somewhere i've not been in a long time' she replied. I held her hand and took her to the kitchen.
.. and that how the fight started.
My wife standing in front of the bed room mirror . she said' I look old , fat and feel ugly'. she was then looking at me for a compliment, so I said' atleast there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.'
...and thats how the fight started.
My Dad just told me this joke.
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting next to a dog at the bar table. He comes over to the guy and says "Hey, does your dog bite?" "No" the man replies. He claps the dog and it bites his hand aggressively, blood everywhere. "Ahh! I thought you said your dog doesnt bite!?" "....Thats not my dog" replies the man.
Engineer
A ship was malfunctioning so they called in a guy to fix it. The guy went down into the engine room, and returned 2 minutes later saying it was fixed, so they started it up and it worked, and the owner asked how much it was going to cost, and the price was 10,000$
"Thats ridiculous, I need an itemized list of the expenses!" said the owner.
the list read:
*Tapping pipe - 1$*
*Knowing where to tap 9999$*
You gotta keep the car and engine running
80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"
Soon a year later they were at the hospital again with Linda giving birth to another one and nurse remarked,"wow its amazing yiu did it again" Jim replied,"as i said you gotta keep the car and egine running"
and again a year later Linda gave birth again and Jim told the nurse,"as i said you gotta keep the car and engine running" The nurse replied,"thats true but you might wanna change the engine oil as this one's black"
A man approached the check in counter
A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"
Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"
The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"
I got caught having s**... with the secretary by my wife
My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me!
I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!
Silly Grandad
Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called i**... and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"
"I really don't like my mother in law" said the cannibal...
"I really don't like my mother in law" said the cannibal to his friend. His friend puts his hand on the cannibals shoulder and replies, "Thats okay, just finish your chips".
Howard and Dale walk into a bar
They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.
"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"
Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they fell forward they'd still be in the frigging boat!"
THE CHOICE
GOD APPEARED BEFORE AN IRISHMAN AND SAID, 'FOR YOUR DEVOTION, I WILL GIVE YOU A CHOICE BETWEEN PARKINSONS OR ALZHEIMERS FOR YOUR ELDERLY AFFLICTION.'
THE IRISHMAN SAID,; THATS EASY. PARKINSONS.'
'WHY IS IT EASY?' GOD ASKED
'I'D RATHER SPILL HALF A GLASS OF WHISKEY THAN FORGET WHERE THE BOTTLES ARE.'
A girl realised she had grown hair in betweem her legs
She asked her mother about that hair, her mom calmy replied:
"The part where that hair has grown is called monkey, so be proud your monkey has grown hair."
She was so happy at the table, she told her older sister her Monkey had grown hair.
Her sister smiled and said:
"Oh thats nothing, my Monkey is already eating bananas."
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a r**... fantasy
She screamed NO!!
I said thats the spirit
A man auditioned for a talent show
A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...
He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!
Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..
I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"
He said "thats a mirror you d**..."
Tests
Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.
First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.
The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.
Second guy: I'm here for u**... test.
Busy all night
A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wife
As l looked up and stared into his eyes, he had a fixed gaze on me
Moving my hands all over l asked "like that daddy?" He said "yes baby thats good". As i finished i couldnt help but smile; I had tied my first shoe
A man is going out of town on a buisness trip
So he asks his brother to watch his cat. Two weeks into the trip he calls his brother.
Man: "So, how is my cat?"
Brother""Well listen the cat died"
Man: "That's not how you break something like that to someone. That cat really meant a lot to me. You should have said something like 'the cat got out on the roof and it got scared so it latched on. By the time the fire department came it had died of exposure.'"
Brother: "Oh, I'm sorry. Next time something like that comes up I will let you know"
Man: "Anyway, thats not what matters. What matters is family how's mom?"
Brother: "Well mom got out on the roof....."
Four men are talking...
They are talking about how rich their sons are. The first said: "My son is so rich last time he bought his lover a luxurious Mercedes" "That's nothing"- said the second-"mine bought his lover last time a luxurious yacht" "Well thats cute"-responded the third-"Mine bought his lover a luxurious 12000 square metre mansion"The fourth man responds: "Ya' know my son is very rich too but recently found out that he is homosexual" "Eww, how terrible is that"-react the other men-"How can you handle this?" "Oh, i handle it really well, and he is actually really success among men, from the last three lovers of him he recived Mercedes a yacht and a huge mansion...."
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.
In the morning, she told me she had a confession.
"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.
"s**...?" I replied.
"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in s**... with a man."
"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.
She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said.
"Good because I much prefer being Christina."
The bike and the dog
Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats b**..., my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate"
He said "No, thats buoyancy"
My son asked me how his life started...
I sat down with him and I said, son it all started with a big bang ....
He said, No dad, I know about that, I mean MY life
I said, Thats what i meant, it was me, your mother, and 4 other dudes ....
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "Thats really nice after all of these years youve been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
I thought I could use a massage in these stressful times...
So I found a spa that was open last night.
Receptionist: Good evening and welcome sir! Would you like to try our Aromatherapy massage with lavender and chamomile?
Me: How much does it cost?
Receptionist: That would be $150
Me: Thats very expensive for me. Do you have something cheaper?
Receptionist: We do have a regular coconut oil massage for our budget conscious customers. That would be just $50
Me: Uhh... Do you have something even more cheaper?
The receptionist thought for a while and said
We'll pay you $37 to get massaged with a barrel of crude oil
Little Peter
Came in to class one day with burns all over his face.
The teacher asked him what happend.
"Well i bought a crate of fireworks and..."
"There you have it kids, fireworks are a real danger" the teacher interupted
"Thats exactly what my father said as he threw it into the fireplace"
Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street
when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"
The father said "look, its great! just the other day, i rubbed some holy water on this lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful little baby"
Little Johhny said "ahh, thats nuthin. I rubbed some of this on my dogs a**... and he passed a Mercedes"
A teacher said to her class
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Timmy again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking." Little Timmy said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." "Timmy, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Timmy.
How to lose weight.
When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.
I asked Do you think you can lose one pound? They said sure. Anyone can do that.
I told them thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.
True story.
The Scotsman
A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,
As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"
"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
So the woman lifted his kilt just enough to see his "business" and said "oh thats gruesome"
The Scotsman replied "I think if you'll check again, you'll see its grew some more"
First post, heard this in a song recently, got a good chuckle from it personally
I think it helps to read with a Scottish accent
A father and his two sons were talking in the kitchen
The younger son turns this dad and asks. "Dad, whats a vajayjay."
"That's, just a another name for a woman's body part."
"Like their arms?"
"Yeah, like their arms."
When the young boy walks out of the room the older son looked at his dad and said " Dad thats too far, mom's gonna kill you."
"I can't help it"
Muffled from the other room.
"Grandma, I can't wait til you wrap your vajayjays around me."
Running away from a bloodcurdling scream the little boy runs back into the kitchen.
"Grandma's not a fan of hugs."
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.
The first one said: Lets go w**... the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.
The second one says: Thats a great idea!
Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.
the other one says: What is wrong.
the second one replies: Were domed.
The first one says: Why
The second one replies: Because theres no fence.
I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg
Thats a ton of b**... !
so there's two guys drinking, right?
And the first guy noticed the second guy was wearing an "I survived cancer, and all I got was this shirt" shirt
And he was like "oh, I didnt know you lived through cancer"
And the second guy said "oh, well I didnt, my brother gave it to me"
And the first guy responded to this, with "oh, well thats kinda weird for you to wear it then. Tell your brother he did a good job at it I guess"
And the second guy sighed, and looked at the first guy, and said "well, dont worry about it, he didn't either."
A man and his blonde date were at a restaurant
So, said the blonde, do you have any kids? I know your divorce with your previous wife was hard
Yeah, replied the man, I have one thats just under three
The blonde, feeling like her date was trying to point out her stupidity said, I may be a blonde, but I know how much 2 is
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her p**... and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no p**.... "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...
When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go confront the driver, i'll hold your monkey for you."
There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.
The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.
First attempt at writing a joke!
I started a new job this week.
On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.
Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.
In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a horse. He screams LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY and proceeds to grab Frank's cake and gallop out of the office with it.
I was dumbfounded but my new colleagues just rolled their eyes: "oh thats just Bill" they said "always the Centaur of attention."
The fastest dad alive
Three kids were on a school playground bragging about their fathers.
The first kid said, My dad is the fastest man alive. He can shoot an arrow at a target and run and catch it before it hits the target!
The second kid said, That's nothing! My dad can shoot a gun and catch the bullet before it hits the ground!
The third kid had them all beat. He said, Thats nothing! My dad is clearly the fastest man alive! He works for the government and gets off work at 5 but he's home by 3!
