Thanksgiving Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Thanksgiving puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Thanksgiving

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

Compliments of my 6 year old son.

Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.

I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia

If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey

So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . .

Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving

... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me

Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...

...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

A Chinese family's dog ran away one night

...Thanksgiving was ruined.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie

But some people say that's irrational...

I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving...

Way too close to Syria.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge.

But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

One my 5 yr old told me: why didn't my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving?

He 's already stuffed!

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Two men from Texas are having a conversation...

The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal

A six pack and a potato

The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after.

I quit cold turkey.

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and an EA game?

The turkey is stuffed with content and you only have to pay for it once.

What was the turkey suspected of?

Fowl play.

You want to know what's the toughest part about Thanksgiving dinner at my house?

The sexual tensions

What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving?

Pump kin pie.


Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!

An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

"Doctor, I have heard lots of voices that are making me want to kill my family"

Doctor - "Yeah that is just Thanksgiving Dinner"

I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers.

I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

I ate so much at Thanksgiving,

I had to loosen my Fitbit.

(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

What do America and Russia have in common?

They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky

Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving?

Because all they serve is cold turkey.

Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

He lost track of thyme.



Happy Thanksgiving.

I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

With all the bad luck the US has seen in the past couple years...

It's almost as if it were built on an Indian burial ground


Happy Thanksgiving!

This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving... Might as well (re)post it here. "How to cook a turkey"

"How to cook a turkey"


Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

**Why did the police arrest the turkey?**
> They suspected fowl play.

**What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?**
> A poultrygeist!

**Why did the turkey cross the road twice?**
> To prove he wasn't a chicken!

**What key won't open any door?**
> A turkey!

**If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?**
> Goblet.

**Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?**
> A poul-tree.

**What happens when you're too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?**
>They turn into blueberries.

**What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?**
> Plymouth.

I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted.

I'm quitting this cold turkey.

It's almost Thanksgiving day...

Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.

Latex gloves

A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.

4 months later...

It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.

15 minutes later...

Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.

10 minutes later...

Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would fart my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

What do you call a running turkey?

Fast food.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes