thanksgiving Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thanksgiving puns

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

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With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

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What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

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What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

Compliments of my 6 year old son.

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Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.

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I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

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Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

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It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia

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If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

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Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey

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So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

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A ventriloquist's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He enters a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call for help.

After the call, the farmer asks :
- You look like a magician, can you do a trick ?
- Yes, I can make animals speak. Like that turkey :
*I'm worried, haven't seen Roger since Christmas and Bob since Thanksgiving.*
The farmer starts laughing.
- I can do it on the cat if you want :
*If I find the bastard that took my balls!*
The farmer is getting red
- Oh, a sheep, they often have the best stories.
Then, the farmer becomes white and shouts :
- No, don't listen to her, she always tells lies!

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A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . .

Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.

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I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

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My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

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So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

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Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

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Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

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I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving

... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me

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Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

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Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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A Family is getting ready for Thanksgiving

The little boy hear his sister on the phone talking to her friend, she mentioned the words bitch and bastard.
Curious, the boy asks her what they mean, flustered, she says
"Bitch means woman, and Bastard means man"
satisfied, the boy leaves the room.
He passes by his older brothers room as his brother was playing video games and yelling at the TV
"EAT MY DICK. YOU FUCKING PUSSIES"
curious, the boy asks his brother what Dick and Pussy means.
embarrassed, the brother says "a dick is a coat, and a pussy is a hat"
satisfied again, the boy leaves.
He walks by the bathroom where his father was applying shaving cream to his face,
"Hey dad what are you putting on your face?" he says.
Distracted, the father nicks himself and yells
"Shit"
"oh, okay" says the boy,
He hears the doorbell ring, and on the way to answer it he sees his mom cutting the thanksgiving turkey,
"mom what are you doing?" he asks,
startled by her son, she cuts her finger and yells
"FUCK."
the boy opens the door and sees his grandparents.
"Well hello bitch and bastard! can i grab your dicks and pussies? Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and Dad's putting shit on his face!"

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If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

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After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...

...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

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What are the most funny Thanksgiving jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thanksgiving? Well, here are the best Thanksgiving dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thanksgiving pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes