thanksgiving Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious thanksgiving puns

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

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With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

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What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

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What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

Compliments of my 6 year old son.

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Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.

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I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

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A ventriloquist's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He enters a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call for help.

After the call, the farmer asks :
- You look like a magician, can you do a trick ?
- Yes, I can make animals speak. Like that turkey :
*I'm worried, haven't seen Roger since Christmas and Bob since Thanksgiving.*
The farmer starts laughing.
- I can do it on the cat if you want :
*If I find the bastard that took my balls!*
The farmer is getting red
- Oh, a sheep, they often have the best stories.
Then, the farmer becomes white and shouts :
- No, don't listen to her, she always tells lies!

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Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

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It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia

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If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

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Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey

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So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

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A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . .

Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.

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I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

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My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

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So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

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Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

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Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

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I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving

... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me

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Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

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Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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A Family is getting ready for Thanksgiving

The little boy hear his sister on the phone talking to her friend, she mentioned the words bitch and bastard.
Curious, the boy asks her what they mean, flustered, she says
"Bitch means woman, and Bastard means man"
satisfied, the boy leaves the room.
He passes by his older brothers room as his brother was playing video games and yelling at the TV
"EAT MY DICK. YOU FUCKING PUSSIES"
curious, the boy asks his brother what Dick and Pussy means.
embarrassed, the brother says "a dick is a coat, and a pussy is a hat"
satisfied again, the boy leaves.
He walks by the bathroom where his father was applying shaving cream to his face,
"Hey dad what are you putting on your face?" he says.
Distracted, the father nicks himself and yells
"Shit"
"oh, okay" says the boy,
He hears the doorbell ring, and on the way to answer it he sees his mom cutting the thanksgiving turkey,
"mom what are you doing?" he asks,
startled by her son, she cuts her finger and yells
"FUCK."
the boy opens the door and sees his grandparents.
"Well hello bitch and bastard! can i grab your dicks and pussies? Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and Dad's putting shit on his face!"

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If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

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What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

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After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...

...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

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A Chinese family's dog ran away one night

...Thanksgiving was ruined.

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I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie

But some people say that's irrational...

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I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving...

Way too close to Syria.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

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One my 5 yr old told me: why didn't my teddy bear get invited to thanksgiving?

He 's already stuffed!

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My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge.

But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

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Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

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A close call.

A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says "one of these days you're going to shit your guts out". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says "one day you will shit you're guts out"
One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. Her plan has worked. After a while he comes into the kitchen and says "well you were right, last night I shit my guts out". "Oh no" she says, "do we need to go to the hospital?" "No" he says. "Thanks to the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in place".

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Two men from Texas are having a conversation...

The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

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The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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If the Indians would have given the Pilgrims

donkey instead of turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving

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The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after.

I quit cold turkey.

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Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal

A six pack and a potato

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A great one to tell at thanksgiving parties...

It's two days before thanksgiving.
A young boy wakes up, and, upon walking across the hall to his parents' room, hears them talking about last night's sex. But the only words he can make out through the door are 'dicks' and 'vaginas.'

He opens the door and immediately asks, "Mommy, Daddy, what are dicks and vaginas?"

His dad quickly answers, "They're just fancy words for hats and coats." Satisfied with this, the boy leaves the room.

Later that day, while his mom was prepping a turkey that she had just bought, she accidentally cut herself and immediately shouted out, "FUCK!"

Upon hearing this, the young boy rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"

She quickly responds, "it's just a way of cooking the turkey"

Now, it is thanksgiving day, and the father is shaving, when he accidentally cuts himself, and yells out "SHIT"

The young boy rushes in and asks, "daddy, what does shit mean?"

Thinking fast, his dad says, "it's just the brand of shaving cream I'm using." And then the doorbell rang. The young boy's dad told him to get the door.

The boy rushed to the door, opened it, and, upon seeing his guests, said "Good evening. May I take your dicks and vaginas please? My mom is In the kitchen, fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs, scraping the shit off of his face..."

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What was the turkey suspected of?

Fowl play.

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Guess who didn't eat on thanksgiving?

The turkey! It was already stuffed...

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What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and an EA game?

The turkey is stuffed with content and you only have to pay for it once.

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What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving?

Pump kin pie.


Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!

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You want to know what's the toughest part about Thanksgiving dinner at my house?

The sexual tensions

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A mother sends her son to the store for a turkey

A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, "Where did you get that turkey, son?" He says, "I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey." "So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?"

"No, just enough to win."

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An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

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"Doctor, I have heard lots of voices that are making me want to kill my family"

Doctor - "Yeah that is just Thanksgiving Dinner"

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What do Japanese people say after a Thanksgiving prayer?

Ra'men.

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I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers.

I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

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The only good thing about Thanksgiving is the food...

And even that turns to shit.

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After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says

(√-1)/8

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Thanksgiving.

The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.

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What do America and Russia have in common?

They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

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Shrimp

A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mother is making Thanksgiving dinner "Mama, Mama, Grandma's in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!"

The mother, a little confused, finishes up what she's doing and goes in to investigate. Sure enough, there's Grandma, who is a little out of her mind, laid back in the recliner with her dress hiked up over her head and her pussy in plain view.

The mother, quite taken aback figures this is a good time to teach her son a little about the birds and the bees tell him "That's not her shrimps... that's her vagina... that's where babies come from"

The boy shrugs his shoulders and says "Tastes like shrimp to me..."

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I ate so much at Thanksgiving,

I had to loosen my Fitbit.

(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

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This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving... Might as well (re)post it here. "How to cook a turkey"

"How to cook a turkey"


Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

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I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

He lost track of thyme.



Happy Thanksgiving.

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Thanksgiving Shopping

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

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With all the bad luck the US has seen in the past couple years...

It's almost as if it were built on an Indian burial ground


Happy Thanksgiving!

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Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving?

Because all they serve is cold turkey.

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Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

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A lady goes to a tattoo parlor

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

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A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

**Why did the police arrest the turkey?**
> They suspected fowl play.

**What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?**
> A poultrygeist!

**Why did the turkey cross the road twice?**
> To prove he wasn't a chicken!

**What key won't open any door?**
> A turkey!

**If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?**
> Goblet.

**Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?**
> A poul-tree.

**What happens when you're too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?**
>They turn into blueberries.

**What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?**
> Plymouth.

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How was your thanksgiving?

>> Very stuffing.

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I'm addicted to thanksgiving leftovers.

But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.

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I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted.

I'm quitting this cold turkey.

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Latex gloves

A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.

4 months later...

It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.

15 minutes later...

Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.

10 minutes later...

Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would fart my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

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Turkey Joke

A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.

She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?"

The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger".

Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."

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It's almost Thanksgiving day...

Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.

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What do you call a running turkey?

Fast food.

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What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerky

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Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend?

Because they're both roasted

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I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident.

The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.

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What's the best way to quit Thanksgiving?

Cold turkey

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Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year

And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.

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Thanksgiving...

The only holiday where you eat the mascot

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Thanksgiving dinner.

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"

And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

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Why does Thanksgiving feel like a date with Bill Cosby?

You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat

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What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin

Happy Thanksgiving!

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I've been battling my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers for over a decade now.

It's hard to quit cold turkey.

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What do you call a dentist's post Thanksgiving sale?

Plaque Friday

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What are ISIS militants using to stuff their Thanksgiving goat?

Their dicks!

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The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

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My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

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What did turkey do on thanksgiving?

Changed its foreign policy on syria.

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What did the mathematician say after Thanksgiving dinner?

"(√−1)/8"

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My Thanksgiving, in math

√-1
——
  8

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Put the conspiracies to rest, I've seen a real flying saucer before

It was not my family's proudest thanksgiving.

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A little kid learns some new words.

There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

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I was addicted to poultry until after thanksgiving.

It was a terrible cold turkey.

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What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I'll show myself out.

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A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.

The wife says, one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.

A few months later it's thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts.

A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!

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A Native American scolded me for celebrating Thanksgiving, a celebration of slaughter

So I said, "you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years."

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Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

Because everything is a steal.

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What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner?

(√-1)/8!

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The cowboys play the redskins this year in thanksgiving day.

Just like the first thanksgiving.

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Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry

sorry, I went off on a tangent.

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What did Voltaire eat for Thanksgiving?

Candide yams

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How do they celebrate Thanksgiving in the EU?

I don't know, but they sure as hell don't have Turkey.

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

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Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

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What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving..

Twerky!

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I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

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A Thanksgiving joke from my uncle

Has anyone ever had a turducken?

Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in

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Thanksgiving Dinner

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "Fuck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

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On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia...

Turkey shoot you!

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What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving?

Turkish

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For $60 you can have Thanksgiving at EA headquarters.

For another $2000 they'll unlock the whole buffet.

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I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...

I gotta cut this cold turkey.

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I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

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I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner.

He's good at carving white meat.

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What's the best way to quit Thanksgiving

cold turkey

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I'm no longer going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey

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Imagine if the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey...

Then we'd all get a little ass for thanksgiving.

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We went shopping for a turkey to cook for Thanksgiving.

We're expecting 20 people at our house and my husband wanted to find the perfect turkey for the smoker. After picking through the stock at the grocery store he can't find one he wants. He says, "Don't these get any bigger?" I replied. "No, honey. They're already dead."

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My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.

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So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving

lulz. cause no more Turkey

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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!

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Wives are like thanksgiving turkeys....

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

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What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

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Remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey,

we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving ...

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When is the Jewish Thanksgiving?

When Palestine gets taken over.

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What does Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving?

Twerkey!

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Why does Trump have the most expensive Thanksgiving day?

Because he'll impose tariff on Turkey

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What do robots eat for dessert on thanksgiving?

Raspberry pi.

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What do thanksgiving dinner and the refugee crisis in Europe have in common?

Turkey and grease

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Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled?

The balls weren't buttered.

Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke.

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Why does Russia not celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

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Thanksgiving...

Thanks.

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Somebody stole my Thanksgiving turkey...

I suspect fowl play

(IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

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I've decided to completely forgo Thanksgiving leftovers this year.

I'm quitting cold turkey.

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Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?

It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

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I have a short joke for the ladies, on Thanksgiving

My penis

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I've been addicted to eating the Thanksgiving leftovers...

...so I decided to quit cold turkey.

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What did Ajit Pai have for dessert on Thanksgiving?

Ashit Pie.

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When political debate comes up this Thanksgiving break and you find someone at the other end of spectrum just say one thing.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

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What are the best Thanksgiving puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thanksgiving? Well, here are the best jokes about Thanksgiving to have fun with.

Joko Jokes