A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I had to quit cold turkey
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
Twerky.
Compliments of my 6 year old son.
but it's hard to quit cold turkey.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.
Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos
The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
After the call, the farmer asks :
- You look like a magician, can you do a trick ?
- Yes, I can make animals speak. Like that turkey :
*I'm worried, haven't seen Roger since Christmas and Bob since Thanksgiving.*
The farmer starts laughing.
- I can do it on the cat if you want :
*If I find the bastard that took my balls!*
The farmer is getting red
- Oh, a sheep, they often have the best stories.
Then, the farmer becomes white and shouts :
- No, don't listen to her, she always tells lies!
Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!
Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!
Beef with turkey
Russia
and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........
But if you don't login, you'll save 100%
Because they don't like Turkey
So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!
Written by my twelve-year-old brother:
Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
A: Separatists and small pox.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?
A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."
He couldn't quit cold turkey.
A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:
Dear Mom,
We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.
The mom replies:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.
My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.
She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."
... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me
Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.
A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"
The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"
He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."
He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"
The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.
He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.
"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
The little boy hear his sister on the phone talking to her friend, she mentioned the words bitch and bastard.
Curious, the boy asks her what they mean, flustered, she says
"Bitch means woman, and Bastard means man"
satisfied, the boy leaves the room.
He passes by his older brothers room as his brother was playing video games and yelling at the TV
"EAT MY DICK. YOU FUCKING PUSSIES"
curious, the boy asks his brother what Dick and Pussy means.
embarrassed, the brother says "a dick is a coat, and a pussy is a hat"
satisfied again, the boy leaves.
He walks by the bathroom where his father was applying shaving cream to his face,
"Hey dad what are you putting on your face?" he says.
Distracted, the father nicks himself and yells
"Shit"
"oh, okay" says the boy,
He hears the doorbell ring, and on the way to answer it he sees his mom cutting the thanksgiving turkey,
"mom what are you doing?" he asks,
startled by her son, she cuts her finger and yells
"FUCK."
the boy opens the door and sees his grandparents.
"Well hello bitch and bastard! can i grab your dicks and pussies? Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and Dad's putting shit on his face!"
you need to quit cold turkey.
Twerky.
...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.
...Thanksgiving was ruined.
But some people say that's irrational...
Way too close to Syria.
How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)
He 's already stuffed!
But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.
Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says "one of these days you're going to shit your guts out". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says "one day you will shit you're guts out"
One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. Her plan has worked. After a while he comes into the kitchen and says "well you were right, last night I shit my guts out". "Oh no" she says, "do we need to go to the hospital?" "No" he says. "Thanks to the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in place".
The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."
but they refused to have turkey
The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"
She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
donkey instead of turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving
I quit cold turkey.
A six pack and a potato
It's two days before thanksgiving.
A young boy wakes up, and, upon walking across the hall to his parents' room, hears them talking about last night's sex. But the only words he can make out through the door are 'dicks' and 'vaginas.'
He opens the door and immediately asks, "Mommy, Daddy, what are dicks and vaginas?"
His dad quickly answers, "They're just fancy words for hats and coats." Satisfied with this, the boy leaves the room.
Later that day, while his mom was prepping a turkey that she had just bought, she accidentally cut herself and immediately shouted out, "FUCK!"
Upon hearing this, the young boy rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"
She quickly responds, "it's just a way of cooking the turkey"
Now, it is thanksgiving day, and the father is shaving, when he accidentally cuts himself, and yells out "SHIT"
The young boy rushes in and asks, "daddy, what does shit mean?"
Thinking fast, his dad says, "it's just the brand of shaving cream I'm using." And then the doorbell rang. The young boy's dad told him to get the door.
The boy rushed to the door, opened it, and, upon seeing his guests, said "Good evening. May I take your dicks and vaginas please? My mom is In the kitchen, fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs, scraping the shit off of his face..."
Fowl play.
The turkey! It was already stuffed...
The turkey is stuffed with content and you only have to pay for it once.
Pump kin pie.
Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!
The sexual tensions
A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, "Where did you get that turkey, son?" He says, "I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey." "So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?"
"No, just enough to win."
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
Doctor - "Yeah that is just Thanksgiving Dinner"
Ra'men.
I quit cold turkey a long time ago.
And even that turns to shit.
(√-1)/8
The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.
They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving
A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mother is making Thanksgiving dinner "Mama, Mama, Grandma's in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!"
The mother, a little confused, finishes up what she's doing and goes in to investigate. Sure enough, there's Grandma, who is a little out of her mind, laid back in the recliner with her dress hiked up over her head and her pussy in plain view.
The mother, quite taken aback figures this is a good time to teach her son a little about the birds and the bees tell him "That's not her shrimps... that's her vagina... that's where babies come from"
The boy shrugs his shoulders and says "Tastes like shrimp to me..."
I had to loosen my Fitbit.
(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)
"How to cook a turkey"
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
He lost track of thyme.
Happy Thanksgiving.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.
It's almost as if it were built on an Indian burial ground
Happy Thanksgiving!
Because all they serve is cold turkey.
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....
A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain
**Why did the police arrest the turkey?**
> They suspected fowl play.
**What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?**
> A poultrygeist!
**Why did the turkey cross the road twice?**
> To prove he wasn't a chicken!
**What key won't open any door?**
> A turkey!
**If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?**
> Goblet.
**Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?**
> A poul-tree.
**What happens when you're too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?**
>They turn into blueberries.
**What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?**
> Plymouth.
>> Very stuffing.
But thankfully I've gotten some help and I'm quitting cold turkey.
I'm quitting this cold turkey.
A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.
4 months later...
It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.
15 minutes later...
Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.
10 minutes later...
Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would fart my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.
A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.
She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?"
The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger".
Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."
Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.
Fast food.
Twerky
Because they're both roasted
The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.
Cold turkey
And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.
The only holiday where you eat the mascot
So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"
And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."
You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat
God save the kin
Happy Thanksgiving!
It's hard to quit cold turkey.
Plaque Friday
Their dicks!
Black Fridays Matter.
The relatives who don't leave until Monday.
Changed its foreign policy on syria.
"(√−1)/8"
√-1
——
8
It was not my family's proudest thanksgiving.
There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
It was a terrible cold turkey.
Twerky
I'll show myself out.
Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.
The wife says, one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.
A few months later it's thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts.
A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!
So I said, "you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years."
Because everything is a steal.
(√-1)/8!
Just like the first thanksgiving.
sorry, I went off on a tangent.
Candide yams
I don't know, but they sure as hell don't have Turkey.
To prove he wasn't a chicken.
It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.
Twerky!
Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
Has anyone ever had a turducken?
Yeah I have. I started to push it out, but it ducked right back in
On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "Fuck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Turkey shoot you!
Turkish
For another $2000 they'll unlock the whole buffet.
I gotta cut this cold turkey.
Everything else is just gravy
He's good at carving white meat.
cold turkey
I'm trying to quit cold turkey
Then we'd all get a little ass for thanksgiving.
We're expecting 20 people at our house and my husband wanted to find the perfect turkey for the smoker. After picking through the stock at the grocery store he can't find one he wants. He says, "Don't these get any bigger?" I replied. "No, honey. They're already dead."
lulz. cause no more Turkey
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
Smashed potatoes.
we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving ...
When Palestine gets taken over.
Twerkey!
Because he'll impose tariff on Turkey
Raspberry pi.
Turkey and grease
The balls weren't buttered.
Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke.
Because they hate Turkey
Thanks.
I suspect fowl play
(IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)
I'm quitting cold turkey.
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
My penis
...so I decided to quit cold turkey.
Ashit Pie.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thanksgiving? Well, here are the best jokes about Thanksgiving to have fun with.