Thankfully Jokes

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....

s**... girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

Son, I found a c**... in your room.

Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.

He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's m**...?

His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a p**....

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a p**..." then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had h**... to help me through it.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

At a f**...

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!

Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's f**.... A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his t**..., says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/

The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."

He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal." 
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."

"But what do you think we should call the baby?"

97% of people are s**....

Thank God I'm in the other 5%.

A general walks up to his private

"Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!"

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

I like my women how I like my coffee

I'm not fussy, I'll have whatever's available. Thanks.

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had.

I bought a sweater that kept giving me static shock

Thankfully the store replaced it with another, free of charge.

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the f**...

A man walks up and asks the woman may I say a word the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says you may the man looks down at the grave and says abundant the woman smiles at him and says thanks, that means a lot

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

A joke from ancient Rome

Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity."
The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!"
And so the first said, "Thank you for the offer, my good friend, but what was seen cannot be unseen."

If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond.

My wife was at the doctor's and he told her she had a acute angina.

She said thanks and all but she was happily married.

A scientist dropped a burger and a broccoli from the top of a building to see which one of them would hit the ground first. Which one hit the ground first?

The burger. This is because burger is a Fast food. Thank you.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks.