thanked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thanked puns

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

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I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

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My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap...

It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.

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I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...

He thanked me.

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Today I decided to donate blood...

After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.

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"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

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Today I woke up an optimist...

He thanked me for waking him up

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.

No, I wouldn't, he said.

She said, I sell tampons.

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, See, I knew you would laugh.

That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

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I got my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He thanked me. I said "don't mention it."

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birthday

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

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I drove a girl home...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home.

I agreed. Well once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit. With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and whispered, "How the hell did you know where I lived?"

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Birthday sex

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

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Together Again

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? The friend replied, I think he means her legs.

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After every Super Bowl...

God is thanked for helping the winning team achieve victory. However every year it is a different team that wins it all. This would make god a bandwagoner. And no one likes those assholes.

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Me too...

I don't get out much, but I managed to go to a local bar last night.
While there I was chatting this lovely girl.
In the end she thanked me for the attention but that she wasn't interested.
I asked why, and she said because she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what she was talking about.

"What's a lesbian?" I asked her.
She look at me puzzled and said "Really? Well you see her over there? I want to take her home with me and do naughty things to her in bed".

"Fuck me!" I said, "I'm a lesbian too..."

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Broccoli Joke

A young man was working at a grocery store, stocking shelves, when a woman approached him and asked where the broccoli was. He nicely replied, "We actually just ran out ma'am but we'll have some in first thing tomorrow." The woman thanked him and left.

About ten minutes later she returned and asked, "Do you know where I could find the broccoli?" The man paused for a second before answering, "Umm yeah we just ran out... It'll be in tomorrow." She walked away.

Sure enough the woman returns and asks the same question. The man, a little confused at this point, says to the woman, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Sure," responds the lady.

"How do you spell "cat" as in catastrophe?"

"C.A.T.?" the woman says.

"Yeah you're right. Now how do you spell "dog" as in dogmatic?"

"Umm... D.O.G.?"

"Yeah good!" The man exclaims. "Now how do you spell "fuck" as in broccoli?"

The girl thinks for a second before saying, "There is no fuck in broccoli..."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

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An elephant and a mouse were walking in through the jungle when all of a sudden the elephant fell into a hole.

It was very deep and steep-sided and the elephant couldn't pull himself out. So the mouse said he'd hail the first car that came along. After a while a shining new Porsche came roaring through the jungle. The mouse hailed it, they got a rope, dropped it down the hole and the Porsche towed the elephant out. The elephant thanked the Porsche driver who went on his way.

Shortly thereafter the mouse fell into a hole he couldn't climb out. So the elephant dropped his dick down the hole and the mouse climbed up it, and they continued on down the road.

The moral of the story is: if you've got a big enough dick, you don't need a Porsche.

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Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

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A women married and has 12 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 8 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Anniversary gift

A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive lingerie for her.


On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a peck on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift.


Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother"

To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the lingerie! I've had numerous compliments already!"

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3 drunk guys got into a taxi...

...The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and after a few seconds, simply turned it off again.

Taxi driver: We have reached your destination!

The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him as they clambered out of the car.
The third guy slapped the taxi driver across the face. The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third guy was drunk.

Taxi driver: What was that for??

Third guy: Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!!!

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My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club.

I replied "Don't mention it."

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I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

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A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon flew away. For healing a demon the town denounced her and called her a heretic and decided he lynch her. As she was hanging the demon flew in and saved her. She asked Why did you save me he replied. I'm not just gonna leave you hanging!

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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting

for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

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A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."

The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".

Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.

"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"

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As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day"

Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

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Halo

Mother Teresa passed away and was on her way up to Heaven when she finally met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looked at her with such pride and said, "Mother Teresa! Thank you for everything you did for the world. Because of the good you did, I will give you this halo. Only the greatest figures in world history get these ." She thanked him as he placed the halo upon her head. She then walked into heaven and saw some of these amazing figures wearing halos, too. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Abe Lincoln, etc. Then she looked over and noticed Princess Diana with a bigger halo than everyone else. Mother Teresa stormed over to St. Peter, and started yelling, "You know, I was born into wealth, and gave that all away to live in complete poverty. The scum of the Earth my whole life!" To which he replied, "I know! We greatly appreciate it. What is the problem?" She replied, "How come Princess Diana gets a halo? She was born into wealth, stayed wealthy her whole life, and I just don't think she did anything above and beyond to deserve that halo." St. Peter was confused. He looked at Mother Teresa and said, "Um, that isn't a halo. That's a fuckin' steering wheel."

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TIFU by ordering food from my phone.

So I used the Subway app to order my lunch. I was in a hurry, so no time to wait in line. I put the order together, paid for it, and made my way to pick it up.

When I told the guy my name for the order, he handed it over and thanked me for my business. I went to check the food to make sure he got my order right, and it turns out he completely read the online order wrong. Great, more waiting.

I went back to the counter to explain the problem and he replied, "oops, wrong sub."

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A woman got married and had 13 kids. Her husband died in a freak accident.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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A man has three daughters...

And one day his oldest daughter came up to him and asked, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." The daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the middle daughter came up to him and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." Again, his daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the last daughter came up to him, and said, "Uhhhouahhhaauma."
The man said, "Shut up, Cinder Block."

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Not again Harold

Harold and his wife were going to bed, he was 78 and had aged well, but in his sleep he had passed away.
At the pearly gates he spoke with God, and said, "please let me go back, it was not time for me, I need my wife, I miss her terribly"
God considered this, and said "I'm not really allowed to do this but, I'll let you back"
Harold thanked God for his kindness, but God said
"But you will be brought back as one of the chickens that you own in your back garden, this is the only way", Harold thanked God, and told him that this was more than enough, and with that God clapped his hands and Harold awoke as a chicken.
He saw many other chicken, and after an hour of exploring his new home, his wife opened the pen door, her face was as beautiful as he had remembered and and he knew this was what he wanted, as his wife began collecting eggs, he wanted to impress her, squeezing and squeezing....."Wake up Harold, you've shit the bed again!"

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Finally Together

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together".

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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My friend thanked me for helping him get an elephant into his room

I said "don't mention it!"

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What are the most funny Thanked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thanked? Well, here are the best Thanked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thanked pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes