The Best 71 Thank God Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Thank God jokes. There are some thank god thankfully jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thank god morning puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Thank God Jokes and Puns

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

Thank God joke, No Nut November was pretty tough

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true

The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.


A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Thank God joke, nsfw Wife's New Panties

A man and a doctor are talking...

The doctor says "I have bad news. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."

The man replies, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

A Polar Bear walks into a bar...

... he says to the server, "Hello, I'd like some fish and chips.."

The server says, "We don't serve polar bear here."

The Polar Bear says, "Oh Thank God."

You can explore thank god bless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thank god congrats dad jokes. There are also thank god puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends...

Bob and Steve, two non-Muslim friends who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque. Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohamed, and you say that
your name is Ahmed, this way
we'll get some food! Deal?"
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking
with my name."
They walked into the Mosque
and the Sheikh saw them.
The Sheikh asked: "What are
your names?"
Bob said: "My name is
Mohamed."
Steve said: "My name is Steve."
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring
some food and water for Steve.
And you Mohamed, Ramadan
Mubarak!!

i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith

thank god i was dragged out by the smiths

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

A man is driving with his wife...

They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man's wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man.
The cop says: "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there?"
The man responds: "Oh thank god! I though I was going deaf!"

Thank God joke, A man is driving with his wife...

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

Thank God lent is over....

not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.


I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

Two cows are standing around talking...

"Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!"

"Yeah! Thank god we're elephants."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

God went to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve...

... and found Adam sitting under a tree, relaxing.

"How's everything?" asked God.
"Good, thank you! This place is great!" said Adam.
"Where's Eve?" asked God, looking around.
"Well, we just had sex, and it was great," said Adam, "and so she went down to the river, to take a bath."
"Oh no, not the river!" said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"

My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved.

Thank God it's negative.

A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute.

'A WHAT?' The mother shouts.

'A prostitute' replies the girl.

'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

Mother has four sons joke

The older three sons are blonde with light skin. The youngest is a brunette with darker skin.
The husband is laying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and asks "honey, I need to know... is our youngest really my son?"
The wife responds: "yes dear, of course, I swear to god with all my heart!"
Reassured, the husband then passes away peacefully. The wife huffed a breath of relief and then muttered "thank god he didn't ask about the other three"

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Thank god I'm an atheist

Wait...

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

Car Crash

I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....

Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.

She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.

The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."

"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"

"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.

Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.

He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:

Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

The Name of God

Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God's name when the rabbi walked by.

Rabbi, called one of the men, could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God's name is 'Yah way' or 'Yah vey.'

That's easy! the rabbi said. It's 'Yah vey!'

Thank you so much, rabbi. said the other man.

Ya velcome. Replied the rabbi.

A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.

(

Man walks into a fishmonger carrying a trout under his arm...

He asks the shopkeeper, Do you sell fish cakes?

Shopkeeper replies Of course!

Man says, Thank god, it's his birthday!

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the worm welcome

God: *creates birds*

My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room

Shortly after I heard "Baby baby oh! And I rushed towards the room. Thank god I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.

God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.

The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?

That one. Enjoy eternity!

When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.

Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

A couple has 4 sons

The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."

PS: it was a beam of light.

PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son?"

His wife replied sincerely "Yes, you don't have to worry, he is our son". And with his mind set at ease the man passed away.

His wife thought to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two."

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat them today, as I woke up with a headache and a bit disoriented this morning.

An Artist asks his model if she's okay with nudity

Model- Yes I am
Artist- Thank God! These pants were killing me!

A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man

The Woman says "TGIF"
So the man says "SHIT"
The woman again says "TGIF"
And again the man says "SHIT"
So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its Friday
And the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday

A man walks into a museum.

While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thank god wife jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working thank god guts piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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