Text Jokes

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

If I were a girl,

every Father's Day, I'd text an ex-boyfriend "Happy 'You-might-be-the-Father's Day." along with a picture of a random kid.

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely s**... up now.

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote...

David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

I'm busy m**... when my friend texts me "What's up?"

With my free hand I text "Nuttin'"

What did the math text book say to the shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

My girlfriend just text me "thespacebaronmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

I'm trying to figure out what "ternative" means :/

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

Trying to argue with someone over text is like being Italian and trying to talk with handcuffs on

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...

...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home.

She must have been homeless.

I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter...

But I don't like to quote out of con text.

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"

The podiatry textbook used footnotes

while the proctology textbook used endnotes.

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

I texted and drive sometimes

I guess we all do s**... things when we're drunk

Helping a friend

So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.
Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early.

I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."

Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

Broken phone, need your help.

I got a text from my partner the other day saying "heybabymyspacebarisbrokenonmyphoneineedanalternative". - Any idea what a 'ternative' is?

Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on s**... pins and one on replacing firing pins.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

After s**... time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning...

We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

My ex sent me a text saying, "I wish you were here".

I replied, "Where are you?"
She said, "At the cemetery."

I gave my number to a girl at the club

She said she'd text me when she got home...
I guess she's homeless.

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.
Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.
This text is tiny, I can't read it.
Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

A

If this 'A' gets to the front page, I'll delete this text and it'll make people go crazy wondering how an A got to the front page.
Post mysterious comments like So true! And don't talk about how it's an inside joke.

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...
My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

Just told my friend his gf is a cheater

I sent him a text saying the y in your girlfriend is silent

I have this weird obsession with old memes...

Bottom Text

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."

When you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen

when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew.

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.