Text Jokes

Following is our collection of Text funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Text jokes

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

My gf texted me "myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Do any of you know what "ternative" means?

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

Told a girl to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

Just told my friend his gf is a cheater

I sent him a text saying the y in your girlfriend is silent

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.

But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.

The creator of predictive text died today

His funfair is next monkey

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.

"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night...

his funfair is next monkey

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

(credit to a Russian stand up comedian Alexander Sobolevsky, he does these neat one liners)

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?

Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.


I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on slave pins and one on replacing firing pins.

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:

"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.

Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:

"Who's Paula?"

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died.

His funfair is next sundial.

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.

I'm Ruthless.

One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."



Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.


Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

Edit for clarity.

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home.

She must have been homeless.

I'm busy masturbating when my friend texts me "What's up?"

With my free hand I text "Nuttin'"

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

A young monk arrives at a monastery...

and is assigned to be a scribe. While patiently copying his first text, he notices that all the scribes are copying from copies, not the original texts. He tells this to the head monk, and he replies "My son, we have been doing this for generations. The original texts are kept safe in the basement. If you wish to see them yourself, you have my permission."
So, the eager young monk decides to see the original texts himself. However, after he disappears into the dark basement, he is not seen for hours and hours. Finally, the head monk decides to go down to see what's going on.

By the dim light of a single candle, he sees the young monk stooped over an ancient tome, sobbing uncontrollably. When the head monk asks what's the matter, the young monk turns around and whimpers:

"It said celebrate! *Celebrate*!"

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died?

His funfair will be held on a sundial.

Funfair*

Funfair*

For ducks sake...

From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.

The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that ?"

My ex sent me a text saying, "I wish you were here".

I replied, "Where are you?"

She said, "At the cemetery."

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

Trying to argue with someone over text is like being Italian and trying to talk with handcuffs on

Broken phone, need your help.

I got a text from my partner the other day saying "heybabymyspacebarisbrokenonmyphoneineedanalternative". - Any idea what a 'ternative' is?

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."

"Yes?.." says the surgeon.

"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

NESCAFE

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

WILLS

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

fantastic till the last drop

went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size

she smiled and said not bad for their ages .

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .

Mother fainted

My math text book got recalled

We were told it had too many problems

A

If this 'A' gets to the front page, I'll delete this text and it'll make people go crazy wondering how an A got to the front page.
Post mysterious comments like So true! And don't talk about how it's an inside joke.

I texted and drive sometimes

I guess we all do stupid things when we're drunk

I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter...

But I don't like to quote out of con text.

Helping a friend

So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.

Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes