Texas Jokes
142 texas jokes and hilarious texas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about texas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of Texas jokes! From clever riddles to hilarious one-liners, we've got all the jokes you need to put a smile on your face.
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- Short Texas Jokes
- Texas One Liners
- Texas A&m Jokes
- Texas Ranger Jokes
- Austin Texas Jokes
- More Texas Jokes
Funniest Texas Short Jokes
Short texas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The texas humour may include short south jokes also.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- A man crosses the mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
- What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas? The Taliban requires women to wear mask
- TIL Texas is called the lone star state because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
- What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
- What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire? A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.
- If a man and a woman get married in tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?
- Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.
- Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great... But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.
- Tornado warning in Texas... Everyone evacuate to the Cowboys stadium!
No chance of a touchdown there
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Texas One Liners
Which texas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with texas? I can suggest the ones about ranch and texas a&m.
- Texas: Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn't.
- Why is Texas called the Lone Star state? Because of all the one-star reviews
- Texas is the Lone Star state. Of course, that's out of a possible 5 stars.
- What does SWAT stand for… … in Texas?
Stand, Wait, Act Tough - Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and rick perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives? Texas
- I won't believe corporations are people Until Texas executes one.
- We should invite all of the ISIS fighters to Texas. They could have a yeehawd.
- So a Texas A&M Aggie wanted to start a chicken farm...
- How can you tell if a person is from Texas? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
- Why is Texas called the Lone Star State? Because that's the highest rating it could get
- Why has Mexico never won olympic gold? All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
- A Texas Aggie goes to a football game.
- House-hunting in Texas is overwhelming... The market is flooded.
- Why is Texas called The Lone Star State? To warn you about their Yelp rating….
- Texas refuses to remove its statues. Hurricane volunteers to help.
Texas A&m Jokes
Here is a list of funny texas a&m jokes and even better texas a&m puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet. - Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas? I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.
- Me: Can you fix your crooked hat please? Texas A&M Friend: Fix? We're at Texas A&M. We're supposed to be right of center.
- What do a UT Austin student and a Texas A&M student have in common? They both applied to UT Austin
- What did Oklahoma tell Texas after Texas asked how its day was? I'm O.K.
- My coworkers think I'm from Texas because of my accent Lemme tell you something, only steers and q**... come from Texas. I'm not a steer, and I am *most certainly* not from Texas.
- I'm not r**...! I'm from Texas! We ride horses. They ride their cousins.
Texas Ranger Jokes
Here is a list of funny texas ranger jokes and even better texas ranger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Chuck Norris gets old and has to use a walker Will he name his walker, Texas ranger
- Nudist resort in Texas Some creep slowly chipped a hole into the wall using an old spoon for some reason.
The rangers are looking into it - Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead.
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life. - "Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.
- Chuck Norris is the only person that can deliver a roundhouse kick in full 1080p, remember that the next time you watch Walker Texas Ranger in Blu-Ray.
- In an official mandate, 'Walker, Texas Ranger' DVD discs have been ordered to replace the armor plating in all bulletproof vests.
- Walker Texas Ranger was actually a reality show.
- Even after muting "Walker, Texas Ranger", you can still hear Chuck Norris's victims screaming after getting roundhouse kicked.
- They once had a showing of Walker Texas Ranger in 3D.
There where no survivors. - Walker Texas Ranger wasn't an action crime drama, it was a documentary.
Austin Texas Jokes
Here is a list of funny austin texas jokes and even better austin texas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate... ...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager
- Elon Musk wants to start a university called the 'Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science To be known as t**... and a**...
Silly Texas Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about texas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mean texas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make texas pranks.
How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?
$5,318,008
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
The Texan and the Yankee
A Texan and a y**... are walking on a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. The genie promises to grant them each a single wish. The Texan thinks and says "I want a wall two miles high and two miles deep around Texas. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out." The y**... asks the genie, "so nothing can get in or out?" "Yes," says the genie, "two miles high it stands and two miles deep."
"Fill it."
If you're from it, sorry...
Q. Why doesn't Texas float away into the gulf?
A. Oklahoma s**...
A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times.
He said it was the worst case of s**... he'd ever seen.
A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…
…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.
The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.
What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?
They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterday—in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Did you hear about the new law that passed? If you're living in Oklahoma, it is i**... to be buried in Texas...
But once you die, it's perfectly legal.
Bubba n' Buford IV
Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but not in east Texas. Buford with a puzzled look on his face responded "ID 'bout what?"
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Why is Oklahoma so windy?
Because Kansas s**..., and Texas blows
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas
The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:
"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:
"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:
"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"
"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."
The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:
"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a p**...?"
Suzy doesn't blink an eye:
"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"
How do you know if someone's from Texas?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common?
Either way someone's losing a trailer.
My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.
Credit Evan Sayet.
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
What is the official fruit of g**... in Texas?
Canteloupe
Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem...
The other 96% said "que dijo?"
A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?
The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!
The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.
Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.
A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.
"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"
Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against b**......" when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."
Bang !
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.
I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
If Texas makes m**... i**......
a lot of people will take the law into their own hands.
Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.
I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.
Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas
Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...h**..., they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
Why was Batman in Texas trying to stop the Hurricane?
Because it kept leaving Harvey Dents everywhere
Only one man is happy about what's going on in Texas.
George Strait.
I can just picture him watching the news while singing "All my ex's live in Texas".
A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.
On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Two men from Texas are having a conversation...
The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."
Yesterday a girl I had a crush on for 3 years told me she sees me like a brother...
Luckily she's from Texas
George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...
...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.
Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.
In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"
Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."
Why can't women in Texas legally get tattoos?
It is the code of the west... never draw on a woman.
You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is?
Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.
The waitress brought me the wrong order at Texas Road House, and I told her it was a Miss Steak.
She shook her head, sighed, and told me, "Steak jokes are a rare medium well done."
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!
Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!
The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!
U.S. navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn't take it. I realize now...
That it was a Missed Steak.
How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid?
Rename it u**....
Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days...
It requires power to perform the test.
Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?
Reptiles require sunlight.
I was freezing in Texas
Then I used to my phone to watch the news and the gaslighting kept me warm all day.
A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18
The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
Why is Texas like the Titanic
They both thought they were amazing until a tiny bit of frozen water broken them in half
Why does texas have no power?
Democrats stole the electrons.
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
What's the difference between taxes and Texas?
At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.
Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.
He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.
Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are...
I think it's obvious he's a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right
