Texas Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

The Best Actually Racist Joke I know

*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

Why wasn't jesus born in texas?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"

The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced…

Are they still brother and sister?

One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon

When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.

As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,

"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded,

"I had to walk home."

P.S. Sorry

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

A lady from Texas called Jill...

Used dynamite sticks for a thrill.

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And bits of her tits in Brazil.

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...

But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times.

He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.

I won't believe corporations are people

Until Texas executes one.

Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

Negotiations

An old, rich, oil tycoon walks into a Texas bar and addresses all the women "who will have sex with me for a million dollars?" After a few seconds a woman stands up and says that she will. The old man replies "good. now will you have sex with me for fifty dollars?" disgusted the woman replies "what the hell do you think i am!?" he simply smile and responds "i believe we have already established that. now we are negotiating"

We should invite all of the ISIS fighters to Texas.

They could have a yeehawd.

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

An old lady gets pulled over

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, Ma'am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse, a .45 in her glove box, a 9mm Glock in the center console, And a shotgun in the trunk.

Jesus, lady, says the cop. What are you so afraid of?

The old lady looks him in the eye and says, Not a fuckin thing.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…

…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.

The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.

What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?

They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterdayβ€”in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

A lady from New York and a Lady from Texas

sitting on a plane in first class.
The lady from Texas says "Where y'all from?"
The lady from New York idignantly answers
"I am from a place where we do not end a sentence in a preposition!"
The lady from Texas smiles and says " Where y'all from bitch?"

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

Bang !

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.

"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"

Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is white, walks into the store and asks, "what have you got against blacks..." when he is interrupted.
"Well we have handguns, rifles, shotguns..."

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Texas Aggie buys a girl a drink

Ok so this Texas Aggie is at a party back East, right? and he sees this attractive woman. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink. So the bartender gives her a drink and points to the Texan. She walks over to him and says:

"This isn't going to go where you think it's going to go."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because I'm a lesbian." she says.

"What's that mean?" he says.

"Well, see that hot woman over there? It means that I'd get a whole lot of pleasure by going down on her." the woman explains.

The man wanders back to the bartender in a daze. The bartender asks:

"So how'd it go?"

and the man says:

"Well, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

A blind man goes on vacation

A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in.

"Wow, this seat is gigantic!" he says. "I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!"

The woman next to him says, "Sure, everything's bigger in Texas, hun."

The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth and catches a taxi to his hotel. He wants to go out and experience the city, but since it's been a long day of travel, he decides to get a drink at the hotel bar first. He orders a beer, but instead of the pint he expects, the bartender hands him a mug that's practically the size of a bucket.

"Damn," the blind man says, "this beer is huge!"

The bartender says, "Oh yes sir, but you know everything's bigger in Texas."

Well, after a couple of hours, the blind man finishes his beer and it's really gone straight to his bladder.

He slurs to the bartender, "My good man, could you point me towards the restroom in this fine establishment?"

The bartender says, "Sure, it's right down that hall, third door on your right."

The blind man makes his way down the hall, but in his state of inebriation (it was a lot of beer!), he misses the third door and opens the fourth instead, which happens to be the hotel swimming pool.

He slips and falls in and starts panicking and yelling "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Yee-haw





Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



So a leprechaun appears at this man's front door...

and offers the man three wishes. Now this man was overjoyed as he was only farmer that barely got by. The leprechaun first says, "I will grant ye three wishes, and then in return get me own wish." The farmer accepted without blinking. For his first wish the farmer wishes for all the land in Texas to be his own. The leprechaun looking bored replies, "Yes, yes, that's done." The farmer looks around and then moves onto his second wish. He says, "I wish that all the money in Texas was mine." Once again the leprechaun hurries to grant the wish. "Done," says the leprechaun without a moments pause. "And lastly, I wish that I was the most attractive man in all of Texas." The leprechaun replies, "Oh that's a great wish. Now time for my wish. I wish that you would let me fuck you in the ass." The farmer was shocked. He went into serious contemplation of whether it was worth it or not. After about five minutes he decided it was a worthwhile trade off. So the leprechaun starts fucking him in the ass and they get to talking. The leprechaun says, "How old are ye?" The farmer tells him that he is 38. The leprechaun, with a big smile, replies, "38 huh? Aren't you a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem...

The other 96% said "que dijo?"

A man lay on his deathbed...

He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.

With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, crawled across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chili from the stovetop. As he reached with a spoon for a taste from the pot, his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.

"Leave it alone, Charlie!" she yelled. It's for the funeral!"

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:

"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"

"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."

The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:

"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a prostitute?"

Suzy doesn't blink an eye:

"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"

My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.

Credit Evan Sayet.

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

A redneck walks into a bar...


So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' boy says: "Hey nigger, get me a whiskey sour and don't Jew me on the whiskey!"

The bartender says: "Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language in here, now ask me politely, and you'll get your drink."

"Fuck you, coon!" says the redneck, "I ain't gonna have no porch monkey tell me what to do, now get me my fuckin' whiskey sour!"

The bartender snaps: "Hey man, that shit is absolutely uncalled for in this day and age. How would you like it if this was your bar and I came in here and abused you and threw racial epithets around like that!?"

The redneck just shrugs.

"Well, let's fuckin' try it, then! See how you like it!" says the bartender. "Get back behind here!"

The redneck gets behind the bar, and the black guy goes outside. A moment later, he comes back in yelling:

"Hey, you honkey ass cracker motherfucker! Get me a beer and a shot of bourbon now before I bust a cap in your pencil-dick, faggoty white ass!"

The redneck looks up from the bar and says: "We don't serve niggers."

At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone and my bare hands."
This is obviously impressing the group. The first 2 cowboys look over at the cowboy from Texas, waiting for his tall tale.

The cowboy from Texas doesn't say a word. Just keep stirring the coals of the fire with the tip of his penis.

Dead Donkey joke

One day Chuck got tired of investment banking and decided to become a farmer. He packed his things and bought a Texas ranch.

Eventually Chuck bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey following week.

When the day came, the farmer showed up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'Whattaya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'That's my business.'

A month later, the farmer bumped into Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I held a raffle. People could pay a dollar per ticket for a chance to win a free donkey. I sold five hundred tickets!'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain when they found out the donkey was dead?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his dollar."

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very busty organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons' because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored

before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . . "Your Badge, show him your Badge!"

Church squirrels

All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

You know what the best part of being in the middle of Texas is?

Any direction you go, you're leaving Texas.

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming quite irate with the Texan at this point and decides to take a detour. The Texan excitedly points at some kangaroo and shouts "What the hell are those?" "What? You dont have jackrabbits in Texas?"

A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job

The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."

The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"

At least we know the people who killed the 5 cops in Texas weren't terrorists

Because Muslims can't kill pigs.


I'm going to hell

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

Remembering Brothers

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.......

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

Two drunks

Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"

The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs

The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.

The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

What would you do if you had a gun when someone tried to rob you?

An interviewer asks three men, a liberal from San Francisco, a conservative from Texas and Vladimir Putin what they would do if a man with a knife tried to rob them while they were armed with a gun.

Liberal from San Francisco: I would tell the robber I had a gun and they had better run away.

Conservative from Texas: I would shoot that sum bitch.

Vladimir Putin: BANG (shoots the interviewer for asking a stupid question)

A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska...

and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.

A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.

"Relax," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

If you're from it, sorry...

Q. Why doesn't Texas float away into the gulf?

A. Oklahoma sucks

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? ... IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times?

"Worse case of suicide I ever saw."

What are the funniest texas jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Texas? Well, here are the best Texas puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Texas pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes