texan Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious texan puns

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?

Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.

Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. Howdy, stranger, one Texan says. Where are you from?

The Oxford graduate answers, I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.

Oh, I'm sorry, replies the Texan. Where are you from, jackass?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired

"Yes ma'am I am"

Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"

The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan got accepted to Harvard

A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"

The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."

After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are dining at a restaurant.....

The waiter comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you there's a shortage of our special, the triple-meat burger, this evening. Please consider some of our delicious regular menu options".

The Californian says, "what the fuck is triple-meat?"

The Texan says, "what the fuck is shortage?"

The New Yorker says "what the fuck are excuse me, sorry, and please?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. Howdy, stranger, one Texan says. Where are you from?

The Oxford graduate answers, I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.

Oh, I'm sorry, replies the Texan. Where are you from, jackass?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .

The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke I heard some time ago

A texan man is driving over the Mexican border with his family. The border guard looks out his booth and notices the jam-packed pickup truck with trailer.
Raising an eyebrow he asks the man: "Planning a longer stay, sir?"
"We're emigrating." the man replies.
Visibly surprised the guard asks: "Why's that?"
The man responds: "Thirty years ago homosexuality was despised. Twenty years ago it became tolerated. Ten ago it was widely accepted. This year it became equal. We're leaving before it becomes mandatory."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.

"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Always remeber the Alamo

An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Best drink specials

A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are shooting the shit when the topic of bars with the best drink specials comes up.

The Texan says, "I was at a bar the other night where every beer is 25 cents during happy hour."

The Californian says "Oh yeah, well this other bar I know offers that same special, plus after you buy 6 beers you get a free cheeseburger."

The Oregonian, not to be outdone, gets excited and says "Ha, that's nice, but I know a place where every single drink is free and at the end of the night you get laid in the parking lot."

"What? That's amazing!", the other two say, "how did you find that place?"

"My wife told me", he says.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Texas Aggie buys a girl a drink

Ok so this Texas Aggie is at a party back East, right? and he sees this attractive woman. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink. So the bartender gives her a drink and points to the Texan. She walks over to him and says:

"This isn't going to go where you think it's going to go."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because I'm a lesbian." she says.

"What's that mean?" he says.

"Well, see that hot woman over there? It means that I'd get a whole lot of pleasure by going down on her." the woman explains.

The man wanders back to the bartender in a daze. The bartender asks:

"So how'd it go?"

and the man says:

"Well, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane...

…when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.

The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan went to an ivy league party on the East coast...

...and there's this group of fancy ladies standing around.

"Howdy," he said. "Which school did y'all go to?"

"Oh... Yale," one of them replied daintily.

'WHICH SCHOOL DID Y'ALL GO TO?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three Texans die and end up in hell

after a day, Satan notices that they don't seem affected by the heat, so he cranks it up. The next day, he notices that they're sweating a bit, but still don't seem all that affected. So in a final effort, Satan orders the heat turned off entirely. He comes in the next day to discover the Texans joyously celebrating. He asks them why they're so happy; they reply: "Hell just froze over. There's another Bush in the White House!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Vive la France!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a hot air balloon out over the ocean. They run out of propane and the balloon starts to sink. It's obvious that they aren't going to make it to land. The Frenchman gets up and says, "Vive la France!" and gallantly throws himself over the side to save the rest. But the balloon keeps dropping. The Englishman gets up and says, "God save the Queen!" and throws himself over the side. Still the balloon keeps dropping. Finally the Texan gets up and says, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican over the side.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan meets a Havard grad. Curious, he asks:

Texan: Where are you from?

Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.

Texan: Okay – where are you from, jackass?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"

So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A British guy, a French guy, a Texan, and a Mexican are all on a boat together.

They sail on for a while, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. The boat begins to fill with water. Realizing that sinking in inevitable, the Brit screams "God save the Queen!", and then jumps off.

They remaining three are fine for a while, but water is still pouring into the boat. Realizing that sinking is once again inevitable, the French dude screams "Viva la France!" and jumps into the water.

Once again, the boat survives, until even more water starts to pour in. Worried, the Texan screams "Remember the Alamo!", and throws the Mexican off the boat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming quite irate with the Texan at this point and decides to take a detour. The Texan excitedly points at some kangaroo and shouts "What the hell are those?" "What? You dont have jackrabbits in Texas?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After the Texan wedding ...

... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly:

"One."

Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm:

"Two."

As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says:

"Three."

He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!"

"One."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Conservation of the Letter R

Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."

Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.

Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"

The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."

So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.

While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland

and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 'Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement.

The texan gives the Irishman his money and says, 'If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30
minutes?'. The Irishman replies, 'Oh.... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Suicide Attempt

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump off and end his life.

"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the whore."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'!" yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?

Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Texan jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Texan? Well, here are the best Texan dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Texan pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes