Texan Jokes
102 texan jokes and hilarious texan puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about texan that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes? Then come on down to the great state of Texas for some hilarious Texan humor! From dumb Texans stereotypical of Amarillo to witty quips from a New Yorker, this article has enough laughter to last you all day! So, get ready to throw on your cowboy hat, and find out why Texan jokes are the best!
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Funniest Texan Short Jokes
Short texan jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The texan humour may include short howdy jokes also.
- I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries... They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again
- The Conservation of the Letter R Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
- Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan? Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.
- Why did the Texan chicken cross the road? To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
- Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it. - A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land." The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."
- My Texan friends really seem to love German cars. Every time I see them, they smile, wave real friendly-like and say, "Audi!"
- A Texan goes to a car dealership He sees a car he likes and says "Gee that's a byoot!" The Dealer responds "That's not a Buick that's a Honda!"
- If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan. And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.
- My father's Texas joke A Texan gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, "You got an ID?" The Texan says, "… about what?"
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Texan One Liners
Which texan one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with texan? I can suggest the ones about hitch and drinker.
- What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood? Electricity
- What do you get when you move 32 Texans into the same room? A full set of teeth
- What kind of instrument do Texans play? Calculators.
- How will Texans be celebrating earth day this weekend? They will be planting a Bush.
- Why do Texans duel at high noon? They distrust clocks.
- Why do Texans say "y'all" instead of "you all?" Because OU isn't welcome here.
- What did the Texan florist say when he was robbed? "What in carnation?!"
- What's a Texan fish's favorite show? King of the Gill
- What did the Scotsman say to the Texan? 'Howdae?'
- Where do the old Texans go to feel nostalgic? El Past-o
- I found this addvertisement along the road in Texas Don't Texan drive.
- How does a Texan mathematician say hi to his friends Hey λ'all
- What's long and hard on Texans? 2nd Grade.
- What's a Texan's favorite dessert? Pie Alamo-de.
- An important rule my driving instructor told me Don't Texan drive.
Hilarious Texan Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about texan you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean preposition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make texan pranks.
Vive la France!
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a hot air balloon out over the ocean. They run out of propane and the balloon starts to sink. It's obvious that they aren't going to make it to land. The Frenchman gets up and says, "Vive la France!" and gallantly throws himself over the side to save the rest. But the balloon keeps dropping. The Englishman gets up and says, "God save the Queen!" and throws himself over the side. Still the balloon keeps dropping. Finally the Texan gets up and says, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican over the side.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Texan and the Yankee
A Texan and a y**... are walking on a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. The genie promises to grant them each a single wish. The Texan thinks and says "I want a wall two miles high and two miles deep around Texas. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out." The y**... asks the genie, "so nothing can get in or out?" "Yes," says the genie, "two miles high it stands and two miles deep."
"Fill it."
So a Texan goes to England
So a Texan goes to London, England. He pays a cab driver a large some of money to give him a tour of the city. The cab driver first drives by Westminster Abby.
The Texan asks "Cabbie, what's this building?"
The cab driver replies "This is Westminster Abby."
The Texan replies "Huh. Back in Texas, we can put up buildings like this in two weeks."
The cab driver then drives past the London Tower.
"Cabbie, what building is this?"
"This is the London Tower, sir."
"Meh, in Texas we can put up buildings like this in a week."
Finally, the cab driver driver drives by Buckingham palace.
"Cabbie, what building is this?"
"I don't know sir, it wasn't here this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich Texan is visiting Japan....
A rich Texan businessman is visiting Japan, so he decides to hire a Japanese h**.... That night, as they're reaching the c**... of the night's activities, she begins yelling, "Nagasai! Nagasai!" He obviously doesn't speak the language, so he guesses she was yelling "Yes! Yes!".
The next day, the Texan goes to play golf with a group of fellow businessmen who are Japanese. On the green of one of the later holes, one of the businessmen sink a 35 foot, double breaking putt for an Eagle. Remembering the h**... from the night before, the Texan starts yelling "Nagasai! Nagasai!"
The group of businessmen turn to him with faces of confusion. The man who sank the putt then says "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
(I heard this joke this morning on 1310 KTCK in DFW)
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Always remeber the Alamo
An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German, a Texan, and a Japanese man are all relaxing in a sauna, completely n**...
They sit in silence, until a loud beep is heard. The German steps out of the sauna and returns a few moments later.
"What was that?" the Texan asks.
"I have had a beeper installed in my arm. We Germans are a very advanced country, you know."
The Texan smiles and nods. A few minutes later, they hear a ringing sound, and the Japanese man brings his wrist up to his mouth.
"Moshi moshi?"
After he's finished talking into his wrist, the Texan says "Don't tell me you have a cell phone inside ya."
"That I do" The Japanese man replies. "We too are a very advanced country."
The Texan smiles and nods, then excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Upon his return, the other men point out a long strand of toilet paper hanging from the Texan's buttcrack. Without skipping a beat, he remarks
"Oh my, looks like I got a fax comin' through!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's t**... from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.
He clears his t**... and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".
No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.
20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is p**...!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as p**... starts.
One
Two
Three
Four
A few people start shouting "Go on p**...!"
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes p**... his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be d**..., it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"
p**... replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"
4 men entered a plane...
...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp...
A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp, so they rub it and a gene pops out. Upon seeing the men the gene says, "I will grant you three wishes, who would like to go first?" The New Yorker raises his hand, "Very well" says the gene, "What is your wish?" The New Yorker answers, "Put all the Texan back in Texas so they can't bother anyone anymore." "Ok it has been done, who is next?" the gene response. "Well I reckon I'll go next." says the Texan. "Since all the texans are back in Texas, take all the non-texans out and put a giant wall around Texas to keep them out!" "It has been done." says the gene, then he turns to the Coloradan and says, "Since you're the only one who hasn't wished the last one goes to you." The Coloradan pause for a moment, "So all the texans are back in Texas and all the non-texans are out and there's a wall around it?" The gene replied, "Yes, not what is your wish?" The Coloradan replies with the first thing that comes to his mind, "Fill it up with water!"
A Texan went to an ivy league party on the East coast...
...and there's this group of fancy ladies standing around.
"Howdy," he said. "Which school did y'all go to?"
"Oh... Yale," one of them replied daintily.
'WHICH SCHOOL DID Y'ALL GO TO?!"
After the Texan wedding ...
... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly:
"One."
Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm:
"Two."
As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says:
"Three."
He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!"
"One."
A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…
And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.
"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"
"I apologize to the victim's family."
The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.
"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.
"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"
"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"
Texan in Ireland
A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.
He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"
Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"
The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.
"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"
The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Mexican that can swim?
A Texan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan is touring around Ireland...
When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him:"What are ya digging for?". The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes.
"You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger!"
"Ah" says the Irishman "you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth."
The brown paper cowboy
A bounty hunter wandered into an old Texan town, looking for the latest wanted posters. Not finding any, he made his way to the local sheriff's office. ''So, who needs bringing in around here?" he asked the sheriff.
''Well, there's only one godawful fugitive around here, the baddest guy in the west. They call him the brown paper cowboy.''
'Why do they call him that?'' asks the bounty hunter.
''Because he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper jacket, and brown paper boots.''
''Weird'' says the bounty hunter. ''What's he wanted for?"
''Rustlin','' says the sheriff.
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...
about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.
The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"
The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Texan who just had s**...?
A jolly rancher.
Credit goes to my friend at school.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Texans gain so much weight?
Because they always "Remember the à la mode."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... Texan, Swiss, Korean and a Mexican were flying..
Two Texans taking a leak off the GW Bridge on a December night
Man, it's cold.
Yeah, deep too!
A vegan, a crossfitter, and an atheist are sitting in a bar.
But you wouldnt know it, thanks to the Texan telling you all about Texas
What do you call a showoff Texan?
*Austin*tatious.
Looks like Texans over-prayed for rain during their last drought….
We here in California, have a strict "no praying for rain" policy.
(Computer science) I asked a Texan if he's seen his family tree,
he said, "you mean family graph?"
If you want to hunt birds at night, you should bring a Texan along.
They always seem to remember the owl-ammo.
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke I heard some time ago
A texan man is driving over the Mexican border with his family. The border guard looks out his booth and notices the jam-packed pickup truck with trailer.
Raising an eyebrow he asks the man: "Planning a longer stay, sir?"
"We're emigrating." the man replies.
Visibly surprised the guard asks: "Why's that?"
The man responds: "Thirty years ago homosexuality was despised. Twenty years ago it became tolerated. Ten ago it was widely accepted. This year it became equal. We're leaving before it becomes mandatory."
2 Texans are bragging about how big their ranches are
The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."
The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"
I walked into a texan clock store...
...and it was a blast of a time!
A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
Everything is bigger in Texas
A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.
Next they drive past a couple of barns.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'
They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.
'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.
The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Texan walks into an Irish bar...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan says to a Harvard student...
Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, j**...?
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah?
A m**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
A Texan walked into a bar...
The bartender asked, "You got any ID?"
The Texan said, "'bout what?"
Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
What's a Mexican's favorite Cheap Trick song?
A Texan will tell you "Surrender" but we all know it's "I Juan you to Juan me"
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being a symphorophiliac
Being a symphorophiliac when the news is on makes me wetter than a Texan.
What does a Texan son call his father?
Older Brother.
A New Yorker visits a Texan
The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.
"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."
"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"
Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
A Texan at the Grand Canyon
I had a Slovakian friend who toured the Grand Canyon on his American holiday in a group with a Texan in it. They're standing on the precipice watching a sunset over the vast Southwest pastel and neon sky, when the Texan points to the stunning, striated canyon walls below and utters to my friend in a whisper, You know, I could fix that hole.
A Texan in Scotland
A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.
Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol' Cadillac, start 'er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain't reached my front gates.
The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,
Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!
A texan and a Delawarean walk into a bar
The Texan asks, " where are you from?" The Delawarean says "Delaware." The Texan says 'Delawhere?"
A Texan walks into a bar.
Everyone laughs at him because he has a big hat
The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer
A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.
"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"
The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river down yonder? My farm stretches from that river to the rock pile over the next hill."
The Rancher replies, "That is a fair bit of land, but back in Texas I've got so much land I can get into my truck at dawn on one edge of it, drive all morning and still not reach the other side by noon."
The Farmer is thoughtful for a moment and says, "You know, I had a truck like that once."
A man from Texas hears a rumor that everything is bigger in New York, so he decides to take a trip there and dispute the claim.
At the hotel he tells the bellhop about the rumor and his quest to disprove it, since everything is bigger in Texas .
So the bellhop offers to show him around.
First they stop at the Empire State Building. The bellhop asks, Do you have buildings this big in Texas?
The Texan replies, Sure do!
Then they visit the Statue of Libery. Got any statues this big?
The Texan replies, Sure do!
Finally, they visit Niagara Falls. Got anything this big? the bellhop asks.
Nope. the Texan replies, But I have a plumber who can fix that leak for you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
A Texas Farmer is visiting a Vermont farm
The Texan asks the Vermont farmer, How big is your farm?
The Vermont farmer points to a big bush and says, well that there is one end, and it goes over to that barn, then back up to that road you can see there, and were sitting right on the fourth corner.
The Texan ponders this for a moment before the Vermont farmer asks, Well how big is your farm?
The texan explains, Well say I get in my car at about 6 am, and leave one end of my farm. If I drive all day, I should reach the other end by about dinner time.
The Vermont farmer looks up and replies, Yeah. I had a car like that once.
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."
"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The sheriff of a small Texan town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 60 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a San Francisco law associate, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the a**... of the world!"
There was a five second pause as the magistrate looked at him. Then he asked, "You just passing through?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a witch from Texas?
A hexin' Texan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Texans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.
1 to hold the light bulb.
And 2 to turn the ladder!
The Irish farmer
While on a trip in Europe, the farmer from Texas was driving through Ireland. He came to a farm and saw a man repairing a fence by the road. The Texan stopped and asked the man if this was his farm. Oh yes answered the Irish farmer, everything you see from the river down there to the hills up there is mine. The Texan smiled and said – well on my farm back in Texas I can drive my car the whole day without reaching the other side.
Now it was the Irish mans turn to smile while he said - Oh, I used to have a car like that too.
