Tests Jokes

What are some Tests jokes?

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

What do you call a knight who cheats on tests?

Glancelot

Me: It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how sobriety tests work.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

Why do asian parents give their children short names?

More time on tests.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:

"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.

Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:

"Who's Paula?"

So a teacher was lecturing his student...

Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!


Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.

"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."

The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"

The doctor sighs. "10."

There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"

"9."

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"

Dad told me this one...

Rastas and Eliza were a married couple living in Alabama in the early 1970's. They'd been trying for a baby for over a year when they decided they better go and see the doctor.
Eliza went first and she came back about an hour later.
"How'd it go?"
"The doctor said I was fine, it must be you. You gotta go in tomorrow for some tests".
Next day Rastas went to the doctor, but he didn't come back until 3 hours later. And when he did, he was in a brand new suit.
"Rastas! Where've you been? I've been worried sick! And why are you in a brand suit?"
"Well Eliza the doctor said I was impotent, so I is gonna dress impotent!"

I'm very conflicted by eye tests.

I want to get the answers right.

....but I really want to win the glasses.

A blonde and a lawyer

are sitting next to each other on a plane. To pass the time, the lawyer suggests playing a game that tests general knowledge. The blonde is reluctant, but finally agrees when the lawyer offers to give her 10 to 1 odds. "Every time you don't know the answer to one of my questions, you have to give me 5 dollars," he says "every time I don't know the answer to one of your questions, I have to give you 50."

The lawyer starts, "how far is the earth from the sun?" The blonde doesn't know. She gives him 5 dollars and the lawyer replies, "the earth is 92,960,000 miles from the sun."

The blonde asks the lawyer, "what goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes back down with 4?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, but is unable to come up with an answer. He hands her a 50 dollar bill. The blonde takes it, puts it in her purse, and looks back at the lawyer.

"Well?" The lawyer asks, "what was the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde hands him 5 dollars.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

The Night Light


A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''

Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

We've all talked to this guy!!

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said; "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skill. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, " You must make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said. "Mister Manager, I am ready." The Manager said. "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green; and I pink it up, and say 'Yellow', this is Mujibar!" Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him!!

Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo?

It was full of cheetahs.

Tests

Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.

First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.

The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.

Second guy: I'm here for urine test.

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks his wife to help. Gladly she says yes and the man bends over as the wife braces herself with one hand on his should and the other to insert the medication. As the wife is about to insert the suppository the man jumps up shock.

"what's wrong, did I hurt you?" asks the wife.

"No" said the husband "I just realized the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me the medication"

How long will I live doctor?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said........,





Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

Tests are like jokes...

You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad!

And other times you have cancer.

Bob goes to the doctor...

Bob goes to the doctor for tests and is
diagnosed with an extremely rare illness that
can only be cured if he drinks a quantity of
fresh mother's milk. When he gets home, he asks his mother, but she just tells him not to be daft. Then his mother tells him that the girl upstairs has just given birth and the husband is away at sea, so he should go up and ask her nicely. The girl is just about to go to bed when Bob arrives, but she agrees to his request and, with a mischievous smile, invites him through to the bedroom. "You can't get it any fresher," she says, presenting her left breast to his lips. Bob feels a bit awkward, but he is only following doctor's orders after all. As he slurps at his medication, he hears a few soft moans and sighs. She gently pulls his head away from her breast, looks at him and murmurs, "Is there anything else I could offer you?" Overwhelmed by her generosity, he wipes his lips and says, . . . . . . . "Well, a biscuit would be very nice."

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health

The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all

The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff

Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.

Would you like anything? She says.

The man says, Yes, are my testicles black?

The nurse is very confused.

I don't know, sir. She says.

Please check, He says, if my testicles are black .

The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down.

Well, sir, she says, you are fine. Your testicles are not black .

That's great, now listen closely, the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, *are my test results back?*

I'm really good at blood tests

Every time I take one I get an A+

Why don't birds study for tests?

They like to wing it

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant

Because the customer is always right

I took one of those online IQ tests ...

And got a 404. I'm a super genius!

An elderly couple go to the doctor......

for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".

The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.

Mom, What? Don't come back home son, go away.

Boy Why mom, I'm your son.

Mom, You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…

And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

I don't like drug tests...

They're not my cup of pee.

So a man goes to the doctor

So a man goes to the doctor and the doctor believes he may have the dreaded bingo tumour. He says "sir, there is a chance of the tumour being malignant so we will have to run some tests."

They run the tests and a couple of weeks later, the doctor calls him back to his office for the results. The doctor takes him aside and closes the door to deliver the news. "The bad news is that it is definitely a bingo tumour" The man frowns. "What's the good news?" he asks. The doctor looks him dead in the eye and says "It's b9"

If quizzes are quizzical,

what are tests?

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school...

I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..

"Did someone mention takeaway?"

Hell's Bells

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick.
She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.
So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves.

Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"

An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.

His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him sex whenever he wants it."

The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"

After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."

Why doesn't ISIS Like School?

Because they always bombed their tests.

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan's doctor comes to him and says,"I'm afraid it's Alzheimer's, Mr. President."

Reagan muses this information over then replies,"Well, I always say 'trust, but verify' so verify it to me doctor."

The doctor goes and has extensive tests done on Reagan's brain and even calls in a second doctor for confirmation. After waiting a few days for the results he visits Reagan again.

"Mr. President, I have conclusive evidence that my prior diagnosis was correct.", the doctor says confidently.

"What diagnosis?", Reagan replies confused.

"The one that said you have Alzheimer's.", the doctor said mouth gaping open.

"Oh, well I always say, 'trust, but verify' so..."

A man takes his dog to the vet.

A man's dog is very sick and won't do anything but lay down. The man takes his dog to the vet and asks the vet to run some tests. The vet brings in a cat and sits the cat next to the dog. The dog doesn't react. The vet takes the cat away then brings in a Labrador who starts barking at the sick dog. The dog still doesn't react.

The vet leaves with the Labrador and comes back with a bill. The vet tells the man the tests were inconclusive and hands the man a bill for 600 dollars. Outraged the man asks why the bill was so high. The vet replies "The catscan and lab test."

Anticipation (may be offensive)

A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."

A man goes to the doctor to get the test results he'd been waiting on...

And he asked the doc, "So how'd the tests go?" The doctor says with a solemn look, "Not well. I'm afraid have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?" After pausing for a moment the patient says "Just give me the worst news first." The doctor obliges and tells him, "Well there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. You have AIDS." The patient is stunned and replies, "Wow.. I... Wow that's terrible. And you have even more bad news for me?" The doctor says "Unfortunately yes. The test results showed that you have Alzheimer's disease." The patient looks relieved and replies, "Well that's not that bad. At least I don't have AIDS!"

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and decides to give him two tests before he hired the mathematician.

The supervisor takes the mathematician to the back of the station and lights the dumpster on fire, saying "What do you do?" The mathematician immediately picks up a hose and puts the fire out.

The supervisor now asks his final question, "Now that the dumpster is not on fire, what do you do?"

The mathematician thinks and says "This problem can be reduced to a problem with a known solution." and lights the dumpster on fire.

An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...

The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, I drive a Rincoln."

Onomatopoeia

A man walks into a doctor's office. He describes his symptoms to the doctor, and the doctor decides to run some blood tests on him to figure out the problem. After the test results come back, the doctor approaches the man and says, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you're suffering from a severe case of Onomatopoeia." The man, looking frightened, replies, "Onomatopoeia...what is that?"
Said the doctor, "It's just what it sounds like."

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, How many people here make love once a day? Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. Once a week? A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. Once a month? A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, OK, how about once a year?

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shockedβ€”this disproves his theory. If you make love only once a year, he asks, why are you so happy?

The man yells, Today's the day!

Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Impossible, she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, And to whom am I speaking?

A man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor

A worried man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor. Stepping into the office, he says "Give it to me straight doc! Just do it!"

The doctor replies, "No, I'm not gay."

They both burst into laughter. "Besides", the doctor says, "I don't want HIV"

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.

The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes the man and he blows perfect zeros.

The cop, now confused, asks why he is 100% sober and appeared to be drunk walking out of the pub. The man responds "I wasn't drinking tonight because I'm the DD". The cop, even more confused responds, "but you aren't driving anyone home". The man replies "Yeah I know. I'm the Designated Decoy".

A fat woman goes to the doctor for a check up.

After running some tests, the doctor comes back into the room to tell her the results.

Doc: "It looks like you're pregnant"

Woman: "I'm pregnant?!"

Doc: "No, it looks like you are pregnant fatty"

Why can't zoo animals take tests?

There are too many cheetahs!

Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer

So a guy goes to his doctor...

...and the doctor says I'm glad to see you because your tests came back. Unfortunately, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?

The man, taken aback, asks the doctor to tell him the bad news first.

"Well, I'm sorry to tell you but you only have two days left to live."

"Oh my God doctor. If that's the bad news what's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."

The dead duck.

A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sniffs for a moment, then walks out of the room, whining with its tail between its legs. The vet again says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks for one more test, and the vet whistles one more time. This time, a tabby cat scampers in and leaps onto the table, and walks around the duck, before exiting like the dog. The vet says "Unfortunately the duck is 100% dead sir. I'm sorry for your loss. That'll be $1500." "WHAT?!?!?!" exclaims the farmer. The vet explained, "Well Lab tests and CAT scans aren't cheap…"

A man goes to the doctor

Not sure if this is a repost. Haven't seen it here yet.

A man goes to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor does all the usual tests, and comes back into the room. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You don't have much longer left to live."

"What do you mean I don't have much longer left to live? How long have I got?"

"10."

"10 what?! Months? Weeks?!"

"9..."

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?



Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, that's incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.

Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh sweet Jesus , exclaims Bonnie. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

I deal with my anxiety disorder the same way I study for tests.

I don't

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A.

She gave no Fs that day.

Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

Guy goes to the doctor

Guy feels bad, so he goes to the doctor. Tests come back and the doctor says "I've got some bad news. You've only got a week to live."

Guy says "That's terrible!"

Doctor then hands him the bill. Guy looks at it and says "I don't have the money to pay that!"

Doctor says "Okay, *two* weeks."

the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"

The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient

A scientist is doing some tests on an ant ...

... And he asks the ant to jump. "Jump!," he says.

And the ant jumps.

He writes in his notebook, "Ant responds well to being asked to jump."

Then, he cuts off one of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!"
...and the ant jumps!
He writes in his notebook, "When an ant has 5 legs, it will still jump."

Then, he cuts off another of the ant's legs and says, "Ant, jump!" ... and the ant jumps! Quite impressed, the scientist writes in his notebook, "Incredible! When an ant has 4 legs, it will still jump!"

He proceeds to cut off each leg and asks it to jump, which to his surprise, the ant still manages to do with ease. The scientists records all of these findings.

Eventually, he cuts the last leg off the ant. "Ant, jump!," he requests.

... The ant does not move.

Mr. Scientist, happy to have reached a conclusion, writes in his journal: "Once an ant has had all of its legs cut off, it becomes deaf."

I always cheated on my psychology tests...

I don't know what that says about me.

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator...

She says "doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it!"

After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.

A man goes to the doctor for a check up

After some tests the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Man: Oh, that's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

How to make Tests jokes?

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