The Best 85 Tests Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Tests jokes. There are some tests examination jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these tests the test puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Tests Jokes and Puns

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Onomatopoeia

A man walks into a doctor's office. He describes his symptoms to the doctor, and the doctor decides to run some blood tests on him to figure out the problem. After the test results come back, the doctor approaches the man and says, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you're suffering from a severe case of Onomatopoeia." The man, looking frightened, replies, "Onomatopoeia...what is that?"
Said the doctor, "It's just what it sounds like."

A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school...

I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.

Tests joke, A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school...

So a guy goes to his doctor...

...and the doctor says I'm glad to see you because your tests came back. Unfortunately, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?

The man, taken aback, asks the doctor to tell him the bad news first.

"Well, I'm sorry to tell you but you only have two days left to live."

"Oh my God doctor. If that's the bad news what's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."


Anticipation (may be offensive)

A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."

Guy goes to the doctor

Guy feels bad, so he goes to the doctor. Tests come back and the doctor says "I've got some bad news. You've only got a week to live."

Guy says "That's terrible!"

Doctor then hands him the bill. Guy looks at it and says "I don't have the money to pay that!"

Doctor says "Okay, *two* weeks."

Tests joke, Guy goes to the doctor

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

Why do asian parents give their children short names?

More time on tests.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

An elderly couple go to the doctor......

for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".

You can explore tests litmus reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tests tester dad jokes. There are also tests puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator...

She says "doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it!"

After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.

An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...

The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, I drive a Rincoln."

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:

"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.

Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:

"Who's Paula?"

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Tests joke, A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.

"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."

The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"

The doctor sighs. "10."

There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"

"9."

A man goes to the doctor for a check up

After some tests the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Man: Oh, that's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

True false tests

Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests? It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.


A man goes to the doctor

Not sure if this is a repost. Haven't seen it here yet.

A man goes to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor does all the usual tests, and comes back into the room. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You don't have much longer left to live."

"What do you mean I don't have much longer left to live? How long have I got?"

"10."

"10 what?! Months? Weeks?!"

"9..."

If quizzes are quizzical,

what are tests?

Why can't zoo animals take tests?

There are too many cheetahs!

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

Tests are like jokes...

You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad!

And other times you have cancer.

So a teacher was lecturing his student...

Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!

Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

I took one of those online IQ tests ...

And got a 404. I'm a super genius!

What do you call a knight who cheats on tests?

Glancelot

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

Why doesn't ISIS Like School?

Because they always bombed their tests.

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"

In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

I don't like drug tests...

They're not my cup of pee.

A man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor

A worried man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor. Stepping into the office, he says "Give it to me straight doc! Just do it!"

The doctor replies, "No, I'm not gay."

They both burst into laughter. "Besides", the doctor says, "I don't want HIV"

What's the only positive from living in the ghetto?

Pregnancy tests

Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

I'm really good at blood tests

Every time I take one I get an A+

Why don't birds study for tests?

They like to wing it

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant

Because the customer is always right

Tests

Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.

First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.

The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.

Second guy: I'm here for urine test.

I'm very conflicted by eye tests.

I want to get the answers right.

....but I really want to win the glasses.

I deal with my anxiety disorder the same way I study for tests.

I don't

A fat woman goes to the doctor for a check up.

After running some tests, the doctor comes back into the room to tell her the results.

Doc: "It looks like you're pregnant"

Woman: "I'm pregnant?!"

Doc: "No, it looks like you are pregnant fatty"

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''

Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"

The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient

Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo?

It was full of cheetahs.

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..

"Did someone mention takeaway?"

Me: It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how sobriety tests work.

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health

The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all

The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff

Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

I always cheated on my psychology tests...

I don't know what that says about me.

A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A.

She gave no Fs that day.

A guy goes to the doctor, feeling slightly unwell.

He goes in and asks the doctor if he can do some tests to see what it is.

The doctor comes back 10 minutes later and says, "Good news: you have a rare disease. Bad news, you have a rare disease."

The guy asks,"So what is it? What's the disease called?"

The doctor says,"Your choice."

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the test papers and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying

"A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I'm afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer.

Dad: What did you get in your tests?

Son: Nearly a 100 for every test.

Dad: What do you mean **nearly** a hundred?

Son: Well, I got the zero's . . .

Raising my fist to the sky, I roared, "It's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up!"

"Sir, that's not how field sobriety tests work." the cop replied.

A man's in the hospital bed

When the doctor came in, so he asks:
Doctor, how did my tests went? I'm dying of curiosity
Which he answers:
Well, not just of curiosity

I feel bad for tests

They are always cheated on

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out negative.

I need more testing today, since headache is another potential symptom...

My whole week was a disaster

Wife died
Dog walked away
Car crashed into a tree
My house burned down

The only positive thing were the results of my cancer tests

A married couple goes to the doctor

After a long examination and various tests done on the wife, the doctor comes to the husband and says:

"I'm sorry to say this, but... doesn't look very good"

A husband, somewhat shocked, replies:

"I know doctor...

but she cooks well and she's great with children."

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

It's unlikely that President Trump truly has COVID...

He's been paying others to take his tests for 65 years.

In nearly 4 years, finally something positive has finally come out of the White House

Covid-19 tests

I had to research Rorschach tests for school so I did a Google image search

Now who the Hell took so many naked pictures of my mom and put them on the internet?!

A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.

Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year

That's unfortunate, replies the man.

As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer's.

Well, replies the man, at least I don't have cancer.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we'd have less cases.

Pence: Fewer.

Trump: Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.

A man is feeling ill, so he goes to see a doctor.

The doctor runs some tests and returns with a grave face.

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but this is terminal. You don't have long to live.

Man: What? No! How could this happen? I have a wife and child! Tell me doc, how long do I have left?

Doctor: 10...

Man: Ten months? That's horrible! How will I tell my wife?

Doctor: 9...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

Two white mice chat...

The first one asks: "Did you get the Covid-19 vaccine?"

The second replies: "Hey, I am not crazy they didn't yet finish the tests on humans!"





Vote me down to oblivion but still the answer is 42!

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat them today, as I woke up with a headache and a bit disoriented this morning.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tests exam jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working tests sobriety test piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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