Testing Positive Jokes

135 testing positive jokes and hilarious testing positive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about testing positive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Testing Positive Short Jokes

Short testing positive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The testing positive humour may include short testing jokes also.

  1. Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
  2. I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
  3. I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive
  4. Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19 when all he had to do was to not get tested.
    >!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<
  5. I got my Covid test results back today. It said "50"... what does that even mean?!
    Also, my IQ test came back positive.
    I'm so confused.
  6. Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.
  7. Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus. I didn't realise they were that close!
  8. Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19. Looks like RBG won her first case before God.
  9. President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19 Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
  10. As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term. His Covid19 test result.

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Testing Positive One Liners

Which testing positive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with testing positive? I can suggest the ones about drug testing and positive thinking.

  1. Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
  2. Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
  3. I got fired from my job at Pepsi I tested positive for Coke
  4. The CEO of Pepsi was just fired He tested positive for Coke
  5. Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
  6. Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19. The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.
  7. I really needed something positive in my life so I finally got tested.
  8. What's a Paralympian's biggest fear? Testing positive for WD-40.
  9. What's a paralympian's worst nightmare? Testing positive for WD-40
  10. What's one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I'll go first: My COVID test.
  11. I just took an IQ test It came out positive.
  12. BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has… Tested positive for she-wasn't 19
  13. What's the only positive from living in the ghetto? Pregnancy tests
  14. Paralampics Three wheelchair users in the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40
  15. My Horse tested positive for CV-19 He's in a Stable condition...

Testing Positive Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about testing positive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean covid tests jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make testing positive pranks.

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids.
The results came back positive.
When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris' blood is the only blood to test positive for kickass.

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.
Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and decides to give him two tests before he hired the mathematician.
The supervisor takes the mathematician to the back of the station and lights the dumpster on fire, saying "What do you do?" The mathematician immediately picks up a hose and puts the fire out.
The supervisor now asks his final question, "Now that the dumpster is not on fire, what do you do?"
The mathematician thinks and says "This problem can be reduced to a problem with a known solution." and lights the dumpster on fire.

manager told me this one at dinner last weekend

Working in the field of engineering, things can get pretty here it goes.
There once was a man, lets call him John, who applied for a position at Tyco to manufacture Tickle-me Elmos. He figured he would make the cut as he knew the hiring manager. John landed the job and was told he'd be needed right away.
John reports to duty the next day and is immediately greeted by a man storming out of the building who obviously just got fired. On his way out he tells the John "Watch out, sales are might be next."
Once John reports to his manager(friend), he inquires about sales being down to which the manager responds, "Yes indeed, sales are down because quality has depreciated." John asks why and the manager says, "People aren't testing the Elmo dolls seriously, you need two test tickles not just one"

4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard.

They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.
They told their dean that they had all gone to a wedding the previous day and while coming back their car tire had blown up. So they had to push the car all way back to the hostel as there was no help available on the way. So they said that they were not in a position to write the test that day and asked him to conduct a retest later.
The dean being a kind man he was asked them to come to a retest 3 days later.
The boys were very happy and went to prepare in full swing.
After 3 days the dean asked them to come for the test.
The dean said that the test had 2 questions for 100 marks.
He said that they had to write the test in separate rooms.
As the boys had prepared well they agreed. The test went as follows.
Q.1 Write your name
Q.2 Which tire burst?

My friend was really worried when he had to get tested for h**....

I told him just think positive.

From Sickipedia

My girlfriend showed me the positive pregnancy test with an apprehensive look in her eyes. "We are keeping it, aren't we?"
"Why?" I asked, surprised. "I thought you can use them only once"

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'


'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Exam results

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

Job Test Cheater

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

I tested positive for optimism.

Why did the man get a blood test?

Just to b positive he's okay.

A old man goes to the doctor for some tests

...and the doctor has some bad news.
"I'm sorry to tell you this. But two of your tests cam back positive. Firstly, we have detected a cancerous tumor in your lungs."
"Oh dear!" said the man.
"And secondly," the doctor said, "it seems you have tested positive for Alzheimer's disease. I'm very sorry."
The man replied, "That sounds serious! Well, on the bright side, at least I don't have cancer!"

My attempt at a s**... math joke

A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for h**......

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

My doctor asked if I was happy with my blood test results...

I told him it was definitely a positive so I don't wanna b negative

I was feeling depressed. .

I was feeling depressed so I went to the doctor to get a blood test.
A week later he called me back with the results and said B positive, it's in your blood.

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Your mum should get tested for h**...

It will be the only positive thing in her life

My friend was getting an h**... test and he was worried, so I just gave him some advice.

Stay Positive.

Banned From the Para-Olympics

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

I applied for a position as a stenographer, but I was disqualified when the blood test came back.

Turns out I'm Type-O Plentiful.

Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant..

Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"

Every time I go to get an h**... test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive

And every time, I'm right.

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

Why do squared people get h**...?

They tend to be tested positive.

Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

My h**... test.

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."

College is really tough and I'm failing nearly everything.

So far the only test I've gotten a positive score on is the h**... one. I figured the professor who gave me the D would at least give me an A not a D+

There was a question on my math test that asked whether the slope of a line was positive or negative...

I said yes

Everything in my life is going so great...

even the test results are coming back positive!

With all this negative talk about Africa I thought I would mention something positive about the people there...

Their AIDS test results

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in the hospital.

They were there for some pregnancy tests. They began discussing the gender of their babies based on the s**... position they were concieved.
The brunette said, "I am going to have a son because I was at the bottom."
The redhead said, "I am going to have a daughter because I was at the top."
The blonde suddenly began crying. When the other two asked her what was wrong, she said, "I am going to have puppies!"
Disclaimer: This joke was told to me by an old friend and while I'm sure it has been posted here before, I wanted it to be my first post.

A dad asks his daughter if she's pregnant.

She says "No!"
He doesn't believe her and asks her again.
"Dad, I swear I'm not!"
He gives her one last chance to fess up and says, "Are you SURE?"
Exasperated, she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pregnancy test. "I'm positive."

Yesterday, I got a positive outlook.

The test results were negative.

You should always be positive

Unless, of course, you're getting tested for an STD

What do you not say to someone going on for an AIDS test?

Think positive

Mom always told me to be positive...

So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

I've just heard that the Russian Paraolympic team has been banmed from the upcoming games

They tested positive for WD40

What is one positive thing that's actually really negative?

A pregnancy test

What's the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for h**...?

To seem to be surprised

TIFU by getting k**... with a variety of citrus fruits...

Ive just tested positive for lemonaids.

What did Ron say to Hermione when her pregnancy test showed up positive?

*fetus deletus*

Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for m**..., alcohol, c**..., methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

I'm thinking about getting my blood tested

I'm scared of A negative result, but I'll try to B positive.

I never realized what a positive person I was...

Before I took a drug test.

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their h**... test

What shouldn't you tell a guy worried about the results of his h**... test?

Just be positive.

Got an AIDS test today...

It came back positive! Yay!

The only positive thing about my life is...

my h**... test.

I am forgetful sometimes...

But, I remembered my h**.../AIDS test.
My wife asked, "Are you sure you remember your results?"
I replied, "I'm positive."

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...
Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.
Doctor: ...and m**..., c**..., m**..., oh and you're pregnant.
Patient: it was an everything bagel.

I had an STD test today, I'm positive...

... That I have no STDs

My STI test results came back

I have chlamydia but at least I'm staying positive about it

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

My test results for h**... came in the mail today.

Finally, some positive news!

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

Doctor: I'm afraid the tests came back positive...

Doctor: you're obese
Obese guy: yeah it runs in the family
Doctor: no-one runs in your family you fatty
Obese guy: :(

There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that h**... test.

My last date just told me she tested h**... positive

It's always so hard to act surprised.

A girl invited me over so we could test out some "new positions"

Best game of football I ever had.

Rudy Gobert jokes about Coronavirus

Rudy Gobert tested positive for coronavirus. This brought NBA to a halt. On Monday, he had joked about the virus by touching microphones.

R. Kelly coronavirus joke

R. Kelly in the news again tested positive for the COVID 19 virus.
... apparently COVID 19 was a little too old for him.

Chuck Norris corona joke

Chuck Norris tested positive for coronavirus. They had to quarantine the virus.

John Kerry joke Massie

John Kerry said to Thomas Massie tested positive for being an a**...

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the h**... test lab again.

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're h**... positive"
The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"
"Have you ever had unprotected s**...?"
"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"
"What about sharing needles"
"No doc, I can't even do drugs, I'm a paper bag"
" Well there's only 1 other explanation, your mum must have been a carrier"

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:
- (my name) i'm pregnant
Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:
- hi pregnant, i'm dad
- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is divine punishment against homosexuality.

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that's just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.