Test Jokes
203 test jokes and hilarious test puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about test that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will provide an overview of the different types of tests, from covid tests to driving tests, and provide a few humor-filled jokes to lighten the topic. Learn about why these tests are important and how to make the best of them with a few laughs.
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Funniest Test Short Jokes
Short test jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The test humour may include short exam jokes also.
- Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
- I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example... It started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test.
- A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
- Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
- Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example... It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
- (Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
- Joke my dad loved What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles - Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
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Test One Liners
Which test one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with test? I can suggest the ones about trial and experiment.
- If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed I would have $7.20 by now
- My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
- I googled "Rorschach Test" But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting
- My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
- My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
- Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- Frog DNA... A frog got his DNA test back.
He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole. - Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing? It doesn't have any answers.
- I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +
- I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy... Thank God it came back negative!
- I have an IQ of 180 I took the test 3 times and added up my scores
- Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors.
- Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
- Drugs don't ruin your career Drug tests do
Failing Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny failing test jokes and even better failing test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells Apparently black people was not the answer.
- Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test? He didn't know enough about inequalities
- I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test... ...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
- I failed my Health and Safety Test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
- I failed my AP Biology test... They asked; "what is something commonly found in cells?"
Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer - my mate rang me earlier.... My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say
- Why did ChatGPT fail its math test? Because it kept giving AI-deas instead of answers.
- I failed my Biology test yesterday I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.
Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer. - Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain? It failed the Smaug test.
- Why did the mule fail his math test? He was half-assing it
Blood Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny blood test jokes and even better blood test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Was paranoid because I had a blood test Still got an A+
- I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.
- I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.
I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me. - My Asian friend had a blood test His parents nearly disowned him when he got B+
- "I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?" "Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."
- I'm really good at blood tests Every time I take one I get an A+
- So I got my blood test results back... apparently I did good, got an A+
- My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test... A+
- I just got my first A+! I am so excited! I never thought I would score so high on a blood test!
- What did Sonic the Hedgehog say 24 hours before he got a blood test? Gotta go fast.
Driving Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny driving test jokes and even better driving test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts It was a hard drive
- I got 8 out of 10 in my driving test. 2 guys jumped out to safety.
- My friend told me he'd failed his driving test for running over a rabbit I said they couldn't fail you for that, he said they can when it's in the butcher's window.
- I got to test the new self driving prototype, the Ford Dixie But it crashed and I can't get the police to help. They hang up every time after I tell them "My Dixie wrecked"
- Driving I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
- An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln" - I reversed into someone during my driving test. He probably would have survived if he was in a car.
- Why did Walter White fail his driving test? Because he was braking bad.
- At my optometrist I was shown pictures of printers, external hard drives, monitors, and the like. They said they were testing my peripheral vision.
- Driving test (Blonde) Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test?
Every time the instructor said "let's start" she would jump to the backseat ...
....
....
Math Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny math test jokes and even better math test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did a mathematician named his dog Cauchy? Let me test math awareness of this sub. This was told by a professor in a class.
Answer: because it left residue at every pole! - What do winter solstice and a math test have in common? They both have you counting down to the end.
- I couldn't figure out the answer to 180˚/ π on my math test. So the girl next to me let me cheat off her.
It was rad. - Math is hard I just couldn't figure out the test problem log(na)^bo
It was just all bologna to me - Nostradamus calls his son and asks him: Why are you going to get a D in your math test, tomorrow?
- I once had a math test in an elevator... I was wrong on so many levels.
- What did the Pie say when he failed a math test? "How did I get these simple questions wrong! I am so irrational!"
- As soon as I entered the classroom I knew I was going to fail my maths test. So I did a 360 and left.
- Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell I'm pretty bad with numbers.
- If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed. I would be able to buy a tie, pursue a career, and stop reposting old jokes.
Covid Test Jokes
Here is a list of funny covid test jokes and even better covid test puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19 when all he had to do was to not get tested.
>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!< - Why did the graveyard get a COVID test? Because of all the coffin.
- I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test. I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.
He said No.
So I know I don't have COVID because he knows me. - Viruses mutate over time. Take Covid, for example. It started out as a pandemic. Now it's an IQ test.
- Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19. Looks like RBG won her first case before God.
- President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19 Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
- Why did dracula get tested for covid-19? Because of his coffin
- Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
- After all this time, I still haven't tested positive for Covid… …wouldn't it be funny if it was just because I wasn't sticking the swab far enough into my ear?
- If you don't like me... You should get tested. One of the symptoms of covid is no taste.
I saw this somewhere yesterday and had to share.
Share Hilarious Test Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about test you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean proof jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make test pranks.
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the r**... kid get on his IQ test?
Drool
A man gets a call from his doctor.
The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
Drug test
A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...
So I got caught copying my friends test in class...
I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... choose on the test?
Not C.
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop m**....
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent.
To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
A Blonde Takes a Test
The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers.
When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that coin?"
She responds, "I was checking my answers."
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today
I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
How do you get into Heaven?
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"
and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
How do you know tickle me Elmo is male?
Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles.
I saw my ex while taking a test today
wonder if she cheated on that too...
How can you tell if a girl is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles...
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.
The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to take an online ADHD test today...
but gave up quickly because it was s**... and boring.
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...
But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles
I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day
Three old men
Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.
Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?
"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So today is 4/20
4/20 is national w**... day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.
I'm just fat.
Testing products on animals
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
How do they test the "Tickle me Elmo Doll"?
Before it leaves the factory, they give it two testickles.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
I scored 47/46 for my test.
It was a chromosomes test.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...
Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Welcome to the "m**... 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.
I hope all of you will come
The doctor gave me a Rorschach test and asked, "what do you see?"
I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, and never being appreciated enough".
"I appreciate your honesty", said the doctor, "but I meant, what do you see *on the picture*?
Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Me: I don't know; how many?
Son: Ten tickles.
Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.
Son: Huh?
Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?
Son: No; how?
Me: Test tickles.
Son: ...
Son: ...that's inappropriate.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office
Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become s**...."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, m**... amphetamines, c**..., and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .
They said, Maybe you should check your junk.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
