Tesco Jokes
31 tesco jokes and hilarious tesco puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tesco that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh at these funny Tesco jokes about horse meat, the Tesco Clubcard, Asda, Safeway, and more from the world of retail.
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Funniest Tesco Short Jokes
Short tesco jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tesco humour may include short retail jokes also.
- I was born male and I identify as male, yet... ... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!
- It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
- Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- What type of cheese do you put on a Tesco's lasagne? Maskapony cheese of course!
(British joke) - I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...
- I'm not saying that my ex-wife has bad teeth, but she smiled in Tesco once and the barcode scanner thought she was a set of saucepans.
- Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum; I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...
- Michael Jackson I was in Tescos the other day when I saw some bloke who reminded me of Michael Jackson. He came up to me and said 'Never forget Michael Jackson'.
- To the lady at Tesco who had her kid on a leash... I'm sorry I asked if he was a rescue, and very thankful you didn't sicc him on me.
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Tesco One Liners
Which tesco one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tesco? I can suggest the ones about checkout and grocery.
- Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today It was buy one get one brie
- Just checked the expiration dates on my TESCO burgers... Aaaaaannnndddd They're OFF!
- Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.
- Don't join the Tesco dating agency. I did and ended up with a bag for life.
- They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.
- Tesco reported a £6.4bn loss.. I guess that's what you get for betting on horses!
- What's does TESCO stand for? Great quality foods at low prices
- I saw the manager of Tesco's drowning... ...so I threw him a cork.
Every little helps. - What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.
- How good are Tesco's meatballs? They're the dog's b**...!
- Just heard that Tescos meatballs are the dogs b**... .
- I ate some Tesco burgers last night. I think it's given me the t**....
Uplifting Tesco Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about tesco you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean supermarket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tesco pranks.
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar.
A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar..
He says to the barman 'Can I have a pint please?'
Barman says 'Sorry pal, didn't quite catch that, speak up a bit'
Burger says 'Sorry there, I'm a little bit horse'
What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?
Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".
I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."
"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."
Managed to drop one of the classics today.
Wife and Daughter are sat watching something while I'm doing the Tesco shop on my phone. - Strawberry jam is on the list, I seize my moment
Y'know what i say
- now I think about it…. I like strawberry jam… and I like blackberry jam … but I don't like lemon preserve
That just a curd to me
Priceless!!!
Why do the Greyjoys always pay £25 at Tesco, regardless of how much they buy?
It's the iron price.
