The Best 76 Terror Jokes

What do terrorists do on vacation?

They go waterboarding.

I've been dating a muslim girl. She gave me a handjob yesterday but it was a bit rough so I've nicknamed her...

...the terror wrist.

A couple of jokes on the theme of "How I would like to die"

1) When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers

2) I want to leave this world as I entered it - kicking, screaming, and covered in somebody else's blood

How do terrorist surfers spend free time at Guantanamo Bay?

WATERBOARDING!!!

Just found this hillarious joke

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else hear me?"

Terrorists hijack a plane flying into London. They tell everyone to raise their hands over their heads if they are British or American.

They wanted French people too but they already had their hands up.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa.

Not screaming in terror like all of those people in his car.

I want to die like dad – peacefully in my sleep.

Not like mom – screaming in terror in the passenger seat.

Where do terrorists go to get a bite to eat?

the Allahu snack-bar.

Why do terrorist use Nokia phones?

so they can reuse the phone after the explosion

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

Where do terrorists go to have a drink?

Allahuak Bar

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

Say what you will about terrorism in Europe

At least our planes take off and land at an airport.

Terrorists make the worst comedians.

They always bomb.

Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart?

They prefer a Target.

Why are terrorists so mean?

Because they don't like Nice people.

Why are terrorists eco-friendly?

They're biodegradable.

There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas

It's called Boko Harambe

Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"

Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."

Waiter: "Why a goat?"

The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

My friend fell into the gelatto machine.

Ice creamed in terror.

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ...

... not screaming in terror, like his victims.

A terrorist walks into a Christmas party

Just kidding.
He drove.

A terrorist is training a group of newbies

"Alright class, listen closely as I can only show you how to do this ONCE"

It's too soon to make jokes about the Sweden Terror Attack

We should wait for it to happen first.

How do terrorists prefer to bathe?

...with bath bombs.

How many terrorists does it take to paint a house?

It depends on the force of the explosives.

After a BJ, the girl asked the jedi how it felt. (NSFW)

He replied "It was as if millions of potential voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced"

Where do terrorists go when they die?

Every where.

A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...

The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

What do terrorists, and a filming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame have in common?

They were both shot on location.

There is a new terrorist religion that hates addition

The Tally Ban

Why have there been so much terrorist attacks lately?

Because terrorism is booming.

How does a terrorist know what type of bomb he's using?

Well, he can C4 himself.

What terrorist group hates modern broadcast systems?

The Teleban

Why do terrorists love their job?

Because they always have a blast.

How many terrorists are there in heaven?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

A turkey and his friend are walking down a street...

When a ghost pops out and screams "Boo!". The friend screams in terror while the turkey has no reaction. A while later, the friend asked why the Turkey wasn't afraid. He responded "I'm not chicken".

What is the difference between an Afghan terror camp and an Afghan nursery?

No idea, I just fly the drone.

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

Terrorists have an Off-Switch.

It's in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

How did the terrorist trigger his explosive?

He assumed its gender.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

I was playing golf last weekend

There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.

After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.

I soon came back with a look of terror on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play through, would he do it instead?

He went ahead, then returned and said "it's a small world, isn't it?"

What do terrorists say when they're angry?

I'm so mad I'm gonna explode

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not screaming in terror, like the people on the back of his pick-up.

What do terrorists and inflatable sex dolls have in common?

They both get blown up to be greeted by virgins.

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?

The other responds:

Don't worry I'm carrying a spare

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, Oh my god, what's happening? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, Yes Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms.

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.

"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"

"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.

P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

My grandfather was lucky, he died peacefully in his sleep

Unofortunately the passengers on his bus died screaming in terror

Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.

They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.4

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

I'd like to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not in pain and screaming in terror, like the passengers on the bus he was driving.

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

What do terrorists and masturbating in an airplane have in common?

Hijacking

The terrorist says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"

The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"

The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."

And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."

Then the terrorist gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."

How do terrorists greet each other?

Hi Jack

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

I think my knockoff airplane simulator game was made by extremists

It crashed and asked me if I'd like to send a terror report.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end. I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.

As she flew out of the plane.

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

When I die

I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.