Terrified Jokes
105 terrified jokes and hilarious terrified puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terrified that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Terrified Short Jokes
Short terrified jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terrified humour may include short afraid jokes also.
- As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches
- To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille.
- Jesus loves you.
A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison. - I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
- As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters ..until I realised they weren't to scale.
- Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals. Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! - Today I Ate a Big Mac I am not gonna brag about it but the people in Apple were pretty terrified
- Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into." Therapist: "A void."
Me: "Good advice, thank you." - The most terrifying sentence in the world. "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."
-RR - What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them? I don't know, it sounds the same.
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Terrified One Liners
Which terrified one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terrified? I can suggest the ones about petrified and appalled.
- What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics ? Oops.
- My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- I used to be terrified of gardening.. Until I grew a pear.
- I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys. Therapist: "Tell me why"
- I stole this: Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.
Therapist: why?
Me: (SCREAMS) - I was terrified to eat the pastry. Turns out, its a piece of cake.
- Did you hear about the terrified Blacksmith? They made a bolt for the door.
- Last night, I had the worst nightmare ever It wasn't even remotely terrifying.
- what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet.
- I scared off my best friend as a prank today... He was so terrified that he ransomware.
- Have a bad only child? Apple unveils terrifying robot sibling... iSis.
- Im terrified of barns Guess that makes me a chicken
- The Leprechaun & The Stripper A Terrifying tale from North Clare
- What do you call a terrified snake? Hisss-panic
- Two words terrifying horror story Gucci Gang
Charming Humor Terrified Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about terrified you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean startled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terrified pranks.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Another Irish Joke
All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:
A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,
"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"
Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and tell him I'm Protestant, he may very well be Catholic. But if I tell the truth and say I'm Catholic, there's a large chance he'll be Protestant!*
So the man says, "Jewish"
The assailant grins and says "Lordy! I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
Checkmate, atheists.
An atheist was
rowing along in Loch Ness and WHOOSH! The Loch Ness monster rears up in front of him, hissing and ready to eat. The terrified man said, "Oh God, help me!"
An angry voice booms from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
The atheist says, "Oh, come on! Ten seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two kittens walk down the street together,
and as they talk, one kitten gets panicked and starts to yell:
-You won't believe what I heard the other day!!!
Τhe kitten reaches the others kitten's ear and starts whispering.
The other kitten gets a terrified look on its face and says:
-l**... EAT WHAT?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
A horse walks into a movie theater...
... he goes to the Box office and asks the clerk for a ticket.
the clerk looks at the horse and gasps, terrified. "you talk!!!!"
the Horse says "Don't worry, I will not talk once the movie starts"
Strange music
In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.
A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.
Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.
"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."
Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.
I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.
It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today...
... Because she's dead.
Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.
A man is lost in a forrest and encounters a Yeti
Terrified, he screams, "Don't hurt me!"
But the Yeti approaches him closer and closer, bearing its claws.
The man starts praying to God to rescue him.
God comes down and says, "Well, well, well. You never believed in me, why are you praying now?"
Flustered, the man exclaims, "I didn't believe in the Yeti either yet here we are!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A robber walks into a s**... bank...
... turns to the female receptionist and says: 'You, open the fridge!'. Terrified, she opens the fridge. 'Pick up one of the jars!'. Spooked, she picks up one of the jars. 'Now open it and s**... it!'. 'Please, no!'. 'Do it!' he says, and she swallows it. The robber removes his mask and it's the receptionist's husband: 'See honey, that wasn't so hard!'.
Pavlov's science in action.
My dogs hate the sound of the smoke detector. They are absolutely terrified of it.
In fact, they are so afraid of it, that every time my wife turns on the oven, they go run and hide.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him
Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop
I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked!
I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus."
It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.
Everyone makes fun of North Korea's military
Personally, I'm amazed and terrified. Just imagine what they would accomplish if they opened their eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to be terrified of my dentist.
He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a p**....
I am genuinely terrified of my Biology Professor
I heard he has a lot of skeletons in his closet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pitbull and w**... dog get into a fight.
w**... dog rips the Pitbull into shreds. Terrified Pitbull owner says: - what kind of a dog is this? - how much did you pay for it? The w**... owner says: -well, I paid $100 for a crocodile and $10000 for the plastic surgery.
An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...
A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."
What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner?
One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.
What's more terrified than a turkey caught in a chicken coop.
A chicken caught in the Turkey coup.
We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week
She's terrified someone will find out people live here.
For Halloween, my neighbor put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow. And it's terrifying my daughter.
I guess she is claw-straw-phobic...
Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" would have been far more terrifying ...
if the pigeons had organized a coup.
Ok, I'm done now.
Right when I thought all this news of terrifying clowns had blown over...
... We elect Donald Trump as President
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy says to the other...
"Marriage has taken all the joy out of s**...."
"How so?"
"You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."
Why can't horses fix merry go rounds?
They'd be terrified
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know about you, but I'm terrified of flying at the best of times
You never know how durable the c**... really is.
(Jimmy Carr: Funny Business)
I was walking behind a lady
The lady walking in front of me sped up, so I sped up too.
She started walking even faster, so I did too.
She started running, so I started running too!
She started screaming, so I started screaming too!!
I have no idea what we were running from, but I was terrified!
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
I hate racing of any kind but I'm terrified to tell anyone...
I just don't want to be labeled a racist
I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...
...I was shaking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My first time having s**... was like a roller coaster.
I was terrified, I screamed until it was completely over, and at the end my Dad showed me the pictures of our experience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard Irma swallowed a record amount of s**...
That hurricane is terrifying
I'm terrified of running into a knight before my morning coffee
Because until I have my coffee, I'm draggin'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cricket is in love with a mantis
but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after s**.... Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing s**... all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.
"What's wrong?" asks the mantis.
"Well, I don't want to make this weird, but are you going to try to eat me?"
"Oh, don't worry, only the females do that."
I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.
My dad always took a good swing at me.
My wife ran inside terrified after throwing rocks and cursing at the people walking towards our house wielding chainsaws this morning...
Can anyone recommend another gardening company?
Betty was away from home on a business trip, and on a break between meetings decided to call home collect...
...as her husband was outside changing the oil on his car, her 6 year old son Bobby picked up the phone.
Putting his ear to the receiver, he heard a man say: *"We have a Betty on the line, will you except the charges?"*
Terrified, Bobby ran outside screaming:
"DAD!!! THEY'VE GOT MOM!!! AND THEY WANT MONEY!!!"
I am now the strongest mage you could ever see!!! For i have mastered Fire and Ice magic.
NOW BEHOLD, the TERRIFYING POWERS of the SLIGHTLY WARM WATER!!
What's orange and black and comes together in October to really terrify people?
Donald and Kanye
There is no ghost
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.
40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus
The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"
Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he's just depressed.
He's trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.
A little girl goes to the violin teacher
When she opens the violin case, there is no violin but a tommy gun in it. The teacher is shocked, but the little girl is just giggling.
What so funny about this? the teacher askes her terrified.
You see, now my father is trying to rob the bank with a violin!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:
I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.
What's the only thing more terrifying than Thanos wearing the Infinity Gauntlet?
Thanos wearing the Infinity Gauntlet while playing a Jet in a production of West Side Story
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:
A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:
"Someone call fer me?"
I look down at my homework, and back up at the pirate and say, "uhhh, I was just trying to figure out how to do this problem, nothing a pirate could help with."
The pirate walks menacingly toward me, and I consider whether to run or stay put.
"It's... ...uhhh... these circles... math...," I mutter, terrified.
"Arrrrrrr-ea? Well, every pirate knows that. It's 'Arrrrr pi Arrrrr'"
Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.
I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".
In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage
"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".
Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.
"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front row!", - announced the entertainer.
People in the front are confused and terrified, they start to hussle, trying to leave their seats, when the entertainer exclaims:
"There's no use in running, ladies and gentlemen! The boy has a phenomenal memory!"
A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor
Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.
-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see anything in here! says the doctor.
To which the farmer says:
-No doctor I'm outta here, I think the lantern attracts them!
*Enjoy a poorly translated Romanian joke
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch of s**... dudes decide to play Russian roulette
After they pick who goes first, a guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — He falls on the ground dead
Everyone is terrified, but they go on.
The second guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — There is a huge hole in his temple
Finally, the third guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head, gets ready to pull the trigger... Then he suddenly stops, thinks for a moment and asks:
"Don't they play Russian roulette with revolvers?"
