Terribly Bad Jokes
91 terribly bad jokes and hilarious terribly bad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terribly bad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Terribly Bad Short Jokes
Short terribly bad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terribly bad humour may include short horribly bad jokes also.
- I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries. The good news is he's now fully recovered
- A man and his wife Husband: I have good news and bad news.
Wife: What's the good news?
Husband: You are my life!
Wife: :D And the bad news?
Husband: Life is terrible! - Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.
- The Finnish believe Satan was a bad terrible boat captain because Helsinki
=o - "My makeup artist is terrible," I told my buddy. "Hey," said my makeup artist, overhearing me. "Don't make me look bad."
I said, "No...don't make ME look bad." - Just because you like a movie that has a terrible rating on "Rotten Tomatoes" doesn't mean the film is underrated.... It means you have bad taste
- I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Blockbuster called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.
- Verne Troyer has died. Terribly sad, but 49 is not a bad innings. That's 196 in dwarf years.
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Terribly Bad One Liners
Which terribly bad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terribly bad? I can suggest the ones about terribly good and terrible.
- If I am terrible in bed... does that mean I'm bad to the bone?
- Why is a steakhouse a terrible first date? It's bad to have any beef with your mate.
- What do you call a store that sells terribly made Nun appeal? The Bad Habit.
- The terrible twos are not so bad . . . . . . my kid has been acting presidential
- "This is a terrible thesaurus!" "How bad is it?"
"It's terrible!"
Source: AARP Magazine
Terribly Bad Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about terribly bad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean extremely bad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terribly bad pranks.
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once.
He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two midgets walk into a brothel.
Determined to get their freak on, they are put in rooms adjoining each other.
The first one walks in to find a beautiful woman n**... and willing on the bed. He tries all night to get an e**... but fails miserably, meanwhile hearing his mate in the next room going "1, 2, 3, urgh. 1, 2, 3, urgh".
Annoyed that his mate is getting it on in such great fashion, he gives up and goes to sleep.
In the morning he wakes up, leaves the room and bumps into his mate on the lobby. His mate asks him how his night was. "Oh it was terrible, I spent all night trying to get an e**... and failed. What about you?" he replies "You think you had a bad night? I spent all night trying to get on the bed!"
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Goes To His Doctor for a Complete Checkup
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.
"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous s**..., and join the m**... church" the doctor replies.
"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks
"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."
A pirate walks into a bar one day...
...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."
"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"
"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"
- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)
St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.
So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the bed. Finally, after searching for awhile, I find a man hanging off our balcony. So I hammer him fingers until he falls to his death. Unfortunately, he lands in some bushes and, save for a few cuts and bruises, he's alright. So, as mad as I am, I throw our fridge out over the balcony on top of him. I felt so bad, that I shot myself."
St. Peter says, "My, that's a terrible story. I don't know if these 2 can top that."
So the second guy begins. "Well, I'm doing yoga on my balcony in just my sweatpants. I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment building. Well, due to an odd series of yoga stretches, I fall. Luckily, I caught the floor below me. And here comes someone to help me up! But then he starts hammering my fingers! So I fall, thinking this is it. But I land in some bushes and I'm OK! And that's when I see a refrigerator..."
St. Peter is stunned, thinking no one can top this story. So the third guy looks at the others and says,
"Picture this. You're n**... in a refrigerator."
The Brave Alaskan Pilot
One day there was a terrible blizzard in Alaska and a lone pilot radioed grown control to turn on their runway lights. Ground control radioed back saying that the pilot could not land there because the storm was too bad. The pilot radioed again and demanded they turned on the runway lights, but again ground control said that the storm was too bad and told the pilot to turn around and land somewhere else. The pilot radioed back and said, "I've already landed, I need the lights to guide me to the lodge!"
Lunch theif
At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.
"I have bad news and very bad news"
said the doctor to his patient.
"Give me the bad news first, doc."
"You have 24 hours to live."
"Oh my god, that's terrible. What news could possibly be worse than that?"
"I tried calling you yesterday but there was no answer"
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
Call from the doctor's office
"Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."
Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"
A really bad, terrible mistake
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. " Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. " Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? " Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. " He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go? " Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... " "CIRCUMCISED! " yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!! "
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.
She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or a**... her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.
She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.
"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.
The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."
Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"
"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"
"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"My dad got burnt."
"Oh, that's terrible. I hope he wasn't burned too badly."
"Nah. They really know what they're doing at those crematoriums."
A man goes to the doctor to get the test results he'd been waiting on...
And he asked the doc, "So how'd the tests go?" The doctor says with a solemn look, "Not well. I'm afraid have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?" After pausing for a moment the patient says "Just give me the worst news first." The doctor obliges and tells him, "Well there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. You have AIDS." The patient is stunned and replies, "Wow.. I... Wow that's terrible. And you have even more bad news for me?" The doctor says "Unfortunately yes. The test results showed that you have Alzheimer's disease." The patient looks relieved and replies, "Well that's not that bad. At least I don't have AIDS!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... dies a terrible death...
p**... died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't p**...."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't p**...."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, p**... had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes p**... with them two arseholes... "
Air Force one goes down.
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
A large plane crashed...
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Air Force One crashes in a field..
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..
A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "
Today, I got up early...
...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'
Talking ducks
I was walking through town the other day and a man stopped me and asked whether I wanted to see his talking ducks. I decided to humour him, and went along.
I walked up to the first duck and asked "How was your day?"
"Not bad, just been in and out of puddles all day really" He replied
I was so shocked he actually replied, I decided to talk to the next duck and asked how his day was, "Pretty good, just been in and out of puddles all day" He replied.
I walked up to the last duck, and asked him "How was your day then?"
"My day's been terrible" the duck said
"Oh dear, why's that?" I asked
"My name's Puddles."
Two twins, Tom and Harry.
There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harry's wife died the same day Tom's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle
The old woman fainted hearing all this.
Cruel joke
A guy has a terrible accident, once he is at the hospital the doctor tells him: "I have bad news and good news." The guy responds tell me the bad news first. The bad news is that I need to amputate your two legs. The good news is that there is a guy outside who wants to buy your jordans...
A guys gets a call from his doctor
The doctor says: "I'm afraid that I have some really bad news for you. Your test results are back and it says here that you only have one more day to live".
The man grasps for breath and cries out: "doctor, that's terrible news, how can that be?".
The doctor says: "I'm afraid I have more bad news for you".
"What, what now? What could possibly be worse than that?" the man, now in total despair, asks.
"I really tried, but I couldn't reach you yesterday" the doctor answers.
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bad weather
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my s**... husband went golfing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes for 10/26
(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Dallas, a man was arrested after he attacked a man in a pink shirt, while shouting homophobic slurs. Because what could be less gay than freaking out over another man's outfit?
In California, a man robbed a convenience store, only to return later to apologize and give back the money. The cashier accepted the man's apology, then shot him eleven times.
Scientists in Switzerland used a spectrometer to determine that the Rosetta comet smells terrible. And these scientists know about bad smells, because they spend all day sniffing Uranus.
The reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was cancelled after it was learned that Mama June was dating a convicted r**.... Previously, she'd exhibited better judgment, by only dating rapists who had never been convicted.
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
Bad news and really bad news.
An elderly gentleman is at the doctor's office for what he thought was going to be a routine checkup. After having several tests done the doctor enters the room and says "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news and then some really bad news. Which would you like first?" The elderly man responds "Well, I suppose I'll take the bad news first." The doctor says "I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's." "That's terrible news Doc!" says the old man. "What could be worse than that?" The doctor continues "You also have pancreatic cancer." The old man thinks about what he has just been told for a few seconds. "Well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"
french vs german , who won ?
a drunk old man was found crying inconsolably by his friend .
"what's wrong ? "
"i did something terribly bad that to this day I terribly regret"
"but what have you done ?!"
"do you remember when the germans came to tunisia for the french ? , i offered a french girl a place to hide from the germans "
" you are a gentleman ! , why do you regret it "
" it wasn't for free you know what i mean "
" that's so bad but it's better than being killed if she was ok with that"
" you don't understand , should i tell her that the war is over " haha
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly lady goes to the doctor...
DR: Yes madam, how can I help you?
EL: Well Dr, I can't stop f**.... However it's not that bad because they are odorless. In fact, I've f**... 3 times already since walking into your office.
DR: Take one of these pills every day for a week and come back to see me.
One week later...
EL: Dr, what on earth did you do to me? I still f**... as much as before but now they stink terribly.
DR: Ok, now that we have cleared up your nose we can do something about your farts.
Old man's wife has hearing problems
An old man goes to his doctor.
Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?
Doc: Well, how bad is it?
Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.
Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.
Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.
So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
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A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...
...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual s**... activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.
"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."
The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital s**..., even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."
The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."
My mother is horrible at breaking bad news...
I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.
"Why not?" I asked.
She replied, "Because he just passed away."
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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
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A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a p**...'.
Bad foods to eat
A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."
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Two guys sit at a bar...
One says to the other "I've got really bad news."
"What is it?", the friend replies.
"I'm h**... positive".
"Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?".
"Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home".
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A terrible homosexual
While getting absolutely destroyed in a video game, my buddy says "I'd be a terrible homosexual..." Confused, everyone stops and someone asks why.
"I mean look how bad I s**..."
An elderly man goes to the doctor for help with terrible gas.
He tells her that he is passing wind constantly and it can be a bit uncomfortable but luckily when he passes wind it doesn't smell or make any noise so he is free to let it go whenever he needs to. In fact, he says, I'm doing it now and you'd never know!
She gives him some medication and sends him off and tells him to come back in 2 weeks.
When he returns he seems upset. He says that the level of gas is more or less the same but it smells so bad that it's choking him.
She says well, that's your sinuses sorted now let's work on your hearing.
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A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him
A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having s**... with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."
(my 80 y old grandpa's joke)
Bad weather..
I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they've had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn't done anything else other than looking through the kitchen window. He was saying that if it carries on like that he will have no alternative but to let her in.
[EDIT]
TL;DR (upon advice):
The weather here is terrible. My MIL hasn't done anything else other than staring through the kitchen window. I might have to let her in.
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A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
Bartender: You look terrible. What's the matter?
Man: I just walked in on my wife having s**... with my best friend.
Bartender: That's terrible! How did you react?
Man: I threw her out of the house with all of her clothes and told her I'd be sending divorce papers in the morning.
Bartender: Good for you, that must have been difficult. What did you do to your best friend?
Man: I waved my finger at him and said bad dog!
A guy gets a phone call from the hospital
A guy gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed. You'll need to take care of her 24/7. Feeding her, helping her use the bathroom, bathing her. You'll probably need to hire help to take care of her. Of course, that may cost too much money, so you'll have to quit your job so you can do it yourself."
Guy says "Oh my god! That's terrible. What's the good news"
Doctor says "I was just joking. She's dead!"
A man working in a brewery dies after falling in a vat of beer
The manager and CEO go to the mans house in the evening and knock on the door.
The mans wife opens the door and seeing the sombre look on the two men's faces cautiously asks *"Whats wrong!?"*
*"We have some bad news your husband died in a terrible accident at work today"* replied the manager *"He fell into a vat of beer early this morning and drowned"*
The wife looks back into the house where the table is set for dinner and the mans return *"This morning?"* she asks angrily *"And you are only just telling me now!!?"*
*"Well"* the CEO starts *"He fell in this morning but it took him all day to drown - he kept getting out to use the bathroom..."*
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I used to drink absinthe
I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.
I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the f**... go Honda".
A man gets a call that his wife was in a terrible accident....
He rushes off to the hospital, upon arriving he sees the doctor approaching him. The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is she's going to make it, the bad news is, she's never gonna walk again, she'll need twenty-four hour care, and the insurance isn't going to cover it... upon hearing this the man is devastated, how will I pay for all this? The doctor replies, nah man I'm kidding, she's dead.
Guy goes in for a checkup...
... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
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I think the college r**... culture is terrible for society. All that stuff is bad and should be banned!
After I graduate
What do you call the place where bad noodles live?
The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?
Forgetti
I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.
My roommate had a terrible rash
My roommate had a terrible rash that didn't seem to want to go away.
He decided to go see the doctor about it.
I came home that day to see him crying on the couch.
"Oh no... bad news?"
"Nope! The doctor said I'll be fine. He told me to 'Just go home and moist your eyes.'"
Guy goes traveling to a small village in the jungle...
when he arrives he hears drums coming from the mountain behind the village. He asks the driver what the deal is with the drums. Driver says, "Oh. Drums stop very bad." Huh.
Well next he's walking around the village checking it out and he asks one of the villagers about the drums and the villager says, "Drums stop, very very bad."
Finally, he's at the house he's staying at and he asks about the drums again. His host says, "Drums stop, very bad. Terrible."
That night he's sleeping and the drums suddenly stop! He wakes up, jumps out of bed and goes to his host, "What's going on?! What happened?! What is it?" and his his host replies,
"Bass solo."
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Bubba died in a terrible accident...
Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body. So they brought in his two best friends, Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together.
When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell if the body was Bubba for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he rolls him over both of the friends answer, "Nope, ain't him!" The mortician is a little confused so he asks how they knew.
Leroy says,"Everybody around town would always say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**...'. This guy's only got one."
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening.
Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?
Me: ... I'll tell him.
[Later at home, sitting down with son]
Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
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My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.
The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made c**... violins."
A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.
Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.
There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Everyone was bitterly disappointed that the bar did meet their expectations.
A lesson was learnt that day by the owners of the Everest Bar.
Don't set the bar so high.
Doctor's news
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: I'll take the bad news first.
Doctor: I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but there was an error in your chart and I'm afraid we cut off the wrong leg.
Patient: WHAT THE HECK?!? That's not bad news. That's TERRIBLE news. What incompetent fools! You've ruined my life!!!
Doctor: Now hold on. You haven't heard the good news. I'm pleased to tell you that upon further study it turns out your other leg's going to be okay!
Bad news
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."