Terrible Jokes

156 terrible jokes and hilarious terrible puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terrible that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of terrible jokes that will make you groan. If you are looking for a good laugh, this is not the article for you.

Funniest Terrible Short Jokes

Short terrible jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terrible humour may include short horrible jokes also.

  1. My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
    Terrible cabinet maker.
  2. Having homosexual parents must be terrible Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of go ask your mom
  3. A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
  4. SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
  5. My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
  6. Having gay parents must be terrible Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
  7. My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
  8. My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
  9. I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
  10. Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

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Terrible One Liners

Which terrible one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terrible? I can suggest the ones about awful and terribly bad.

  1. Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
  2. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
  3. My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
  4. Why don't alien visit our solar system? Terrible ratings. One star.
  5. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
  6. My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible.
  7. I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
  8. There once was a king who was 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but a great ruler.
  9. "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.
  10. Orion's Belt is a waist of space Terrible joke... 3 stars
  11. I bought the worst thesaurus today Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
  12. Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer. At least he had a great fall.
  13. My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
  14. I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father... He never sees his kids
  15. How does Mario talk to the dead? With a luigi board.

Absolutely Terrible Jokes

Here is a list of funny absolutely terrible jokes and even better absolutely terrible puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What would you call a terrible piece of gold? Absolutely Auful!
  • Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible? They've got no Seoul.
  • why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, and
    the ruler!!!
    my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
  • A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane. The whole event was pretty terrible.
    It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
  • Saw a woman get her n**... pierced in front of me at the bar last night. On a side note, I am absolutely terrible at darts.
  • A terrible homosexual While getting absolutely destroyed in a video game, my buddy says "I'd be a terrible homosexual..." Confused, everyone stops and someone asks why.
    "I mean look how bad I s**..."

Worlds Most Terrible Jokes

Here is a list of funny worlds most terrible jokes and even better worlds most terrible puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Most deadly joke in the world My dog has no nose!
    How does he smell?
  • How did he get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran (He ran).
    Thought of this when looking at the world map, sorry that it's terrible.
  • My analogies are like the world's best crafted poems Terrible
  • Did you know that the world's largest fish is called Alastair and only reads terrible magazines? He's superficial.
Terrible joke, Did you know that the world's largest fish is called Alastair and only reads terrible magazines?

Terrible Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny terrible christmas jokes and even better terrible christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
  • On a blind date, the girl told me, Tell me a little bit about yourself. Me: I'm terrible with dates.
    Her: Don't worry. You're doing fine so far.
    Me: Christmas is on July 4th.
  • My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
  • I suffer from terrible insomnia But on the bright side it's only three more sleeps till Christmas.
  • Giving Christmas presents always reminds me of what myself and Lil Wayne have in common We're both terrible wrappers
  • People question the Christmas present I got for my mother They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.
  • Do you want to hear a dad joke about Christmas wrapping paper? Nevermind, it's terrible.
  • What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?
    Chjesus Chrust
  • I just woke up from a coma, I think i've been out for like a day, what a terrible christmas.
  • What goes h**... h**... h**... thud? Santa laughing his head off.

Terrible Animal Jokes

Here is a list of funny terrible animal jokes and even better terrible animal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm terrible with animals. I had a dog once. The first time I left him alone, he chewed up all my furniture, pooped everywhere, and death.
  • Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
  • Europeans use too many gyros for the s**... of animals. Let's alert PITA. That was a terrible pun. I falafel.
Terrible joke, Europeans use too many gyros for the s**... of animals. Let's alert PITA.

Playful Terrible Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about terrible you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dreadful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terrible pranks.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Mom got a s**... change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.
After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.
The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....
"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
"It's awful! Terrorists have stopped Elon Musk's limo! They are saying if they don't get $10 million dollars, they are going to burn him alive! So, I'm out here collecting donations."
"That's terrible! How much have you collected so far?"
"Ten gallons. But everyone else is still siphoning...."

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

I bought a new thesaurus today and it's terrible

Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible!

My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens"

Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of l**... for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner p**... was a terrible brand name.

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

That's terrible," she replied, "We're they moving?
I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine'

because I'm terrible at tennis.

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)
A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.
Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for d**... in h**... for all eternity.
Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side.
Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you!
Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!

A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

My father always told me son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer

Terrible father, great r**...

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"
Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."
(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?

*I for one*, think it's a terrible idea.

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

The alt-right can't be n**...

Their grammar is terrible!

Terrible joke, The alt-right can't be n**...

jokes about terrible