Terrible Jokes
150 terrible jokes and hilarious terrible puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terrible that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is full of terrible jokes that will make you groan. If you are looking for a good laugh, this is not the article for you.
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Funniest Terrible Short Jokes
Short terrible jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terrible humour may include short horrible jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
- My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
- My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
- I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
- Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
- I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
- "Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
- My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters. Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
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Terrible One Liners
Which terrible one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terrible? I can suggest the ones about awful and terribly bad.
- Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
- "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
- My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
- My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible.
- I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
- There once was a king who was 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but a great ruler.
- "Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak.
- Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer. At least he had a great fall.
- My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
- I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father... He never sees his kids
- Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation? Because he didn't planet well.
- I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes. All of the good ones argon.
- Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off? Because the pilot was terrible.
- What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed? Getting off early
Absolutely Terrible Jokes
Here is a list of funny absolutely terrible jokes and even better absolutely terrible puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What would you call a terrible piece of gold? Absolutely Auful!
- why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, and
the ruler!!!
my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
Terrible Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny terrible christmas jokes and even better terrible christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
- On a blind date, the girl told me, Tell me a little bit about yourself. Me: I'm terrible with dates.
Her: Don't worry. You're doing fine so far.
Me: Christmas is on July 4th. - My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
- Giving Christmas presents always reminds me of what myself and Lil Wayne have in common We're both terrible wrappers
- People question the Christmas present I got for my mother They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.
- Do you want to hear a dad joke about Christmas wrapping paper? Nevermind, it's terrible.
- What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?
Chjesus Chrust - I just woke up from a coma, I think i've been out for like a day, what a terrible christmas.
Terrible Animal Jokes
Here is a list of funny terrible animal jokes and even better terrible animal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm terrible with animals. I had a dog once. The first time I left him alone, he chewed up all my furniture, pooped everywhere, and starved.to death.
- Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Terrible Twos Jokes
Here is a list of funny terrible twos jokes and even better terrible twos puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos? A midlife crisis
- What do you call the "terrible twos" in unvaccinated children? A midlife crisis.
- You know what the worst part of being an anitvaxxer parent is? When your toddler hits the Terrible Twos and their midlife crisis at the same time.
- What's the worst part about being an anti-Vaxxer parent? Having to deal with the terrible twos and the mid life crisis at the same time.
- The terrible twos are not so bad . . . . . . my kid has been acting presidential
Playful Terrible Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about terrible you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dreadful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terrible pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.
That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.
Oh No! Not ELON!
Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.
After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.
The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....
"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
"It's awful! Terrorists have stopped Elon Musk's limo! They are saying if they don't get $10 million dollars, they are going to burn him alive! So, I'm out here collecting donations."
"That's terrible! How much have you collected so far?"
"Ten gallons. But everyone else is still siphoning...."
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return
"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...
"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.
Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of l**... for women?
Unfortunately for him, Shatner p**... was a terrible brand name.
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,
I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.
So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.
The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.
I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine'
because I'm terrible at tennis.
Lunch theif
At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
My father taught me the first rule of theatre
"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.
With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sad first attempt at a joke
(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)
A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.
Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for d**... in h**... for all eternity.
Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?
I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.
They never get above C level.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.
Him: Ok. And for the main course?
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side.
Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you!
Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My father always told me son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer
Terrible father, great r**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.
The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.
Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"
As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:
"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"
Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."
(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?
*I for one*, think it's a terrible idea.
2 older couple were having breakfast
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The alt-right can't be n**...
Their grammar is terrible!
I'm 1/16th Cherokee...
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?
It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.
Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,
terrible reception.
vintage Bush joke
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor
I just don't know what's wrong with some people
Biden and Barack don't tell each other "yo mama" jokes...
they tell each other Jo 'Bama jokes.
(I'm sorry, it's terrible)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A time traveler meets Adolf h**... in a bar
Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with h**....
The time traveler looked at h**... and asked So how are you doing?
Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.
Well that s**..., you'll probably land on your feet though.
Yea you're right, but you want to know what I hate?
Let me guess, Jews?
Well, now that you mention it…
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while n**......
As they run, the first guy covers his g**... and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"
The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my g**..."
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade?
He was having a mid-life crisis.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside
So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "
Just been to London and had a terrible time. Joined a queue for the public toilets.
Had to wait 12 hours and at the end of it four blokes in uniform tackled me to the ground before I could even get a good stream going.
On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...
"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".
