terrible Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious terrible puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me much.

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I've been here, and you didn't realize it.

The doctor says, Interesting. Why don't you take these pills and come see me in a week?

The old lady returns in a week and says, I don't know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!

The doctor says, Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let's work on your hearing.

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I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

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Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

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My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.

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My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

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A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

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I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

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I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

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I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

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What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

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Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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My new thesaurus is terrible.

It's also terrible.

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"Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space".

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.

A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"

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Paddy dies a terrible death...

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "

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A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

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Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. What's wrong, Bob? His wife asks..


Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?

His wife gasps, My God Bob, what happened?

I got fired , he says.

No Bob, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?


Oh, um....she got fired too .

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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space!

Terrible joke.

Only three stars.

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My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

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"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

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"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

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In A Real Pickle

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?'
'Oh Bill, you didn't?'
'Yes, I did.'
'My God Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No Bill. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, she got fired too.'

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

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My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

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21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and poof! Two arms pop out of the torso.

Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. Poof! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.

"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

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My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

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My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

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An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"

"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

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Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the funeral."

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Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

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9/11 jokes are terrible.

The other 2/11, however, are hilarious.

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "

Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

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Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:

"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."

The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.

"*Now* you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.

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Old man's wife has hearing problems

An old man goes to his doctor.

Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?

Doc: Well, how bad is it?

Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.

Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.

Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.

So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.

Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".

"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

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Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine'

because I'm terrible at tennis.

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is it possible to do that here ?"
- "Of course son, let me find a priest in this place and we'll get you two married right away !"
So God leaves the place and comes back, three days later, with a priest accompanying him. The marriage takes place, the couple kisses and a wonderful ceremony ensues.

However, two weeks later, the couples goes to see God again.
- "God, this marriage is really not working for us, and we both want a divorce. Can you get us a lawyer ?"
- "Jesus Christ, are you kidding me ? It took me *three days* to find a priest, and now you want me to find *A FUCKING LAWYER* ?"

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Old sex life.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

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"One man's trash is another man's treasure"

it's a great saying...
but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.

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Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

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I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman..

Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

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Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:

"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "

both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.

"Good morning Wif--"

The son interupts:

"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"

The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:

"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

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Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

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A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

 
**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

 
**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."

Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.

After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.

 
**Man:** "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."

 
**Doctor:** "N-n-n-no takebacks!"

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Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW)

Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years.

He eventually turns to the other man and sighs,

"Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?"

The second man breathes deeply and looks down at the ground,

"Terrible", he replies, "just terrible"

"Oh, how so?"

The second man turns and looks almost tearful in his confession.

"Well she's 22, blonde, huge tits and always wanting sex! And I mean it's just constant. Suck and fuck and suck and fuck and suck and fuck..."

The second man becomes quiet as the first man stares in disbelief, finally the first man has to open his mouth.

"Well that sounds amazing! What's so terrible about that!"

The second man looks to the sky wistfully...

"I can't remember where I live..."

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Scottish man studies in an English University

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

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A really bad, terrible mistake

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. " Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. " Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? " Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. " He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go? " Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... " "CIRCUMCISED! " yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!! "

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The Cucumber, The Pickle, and The Penis (I Love This Joke)

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

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My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

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A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

"...but...why not?" asks the American.

"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

"Between you and me, I think something's up."

I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

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Oldie but a goodie

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.

The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage and carnage, he sadly went about digging a large hole to bury the dead.

A few hours later, the sheriff came by, searching for the missing politicians. When he saw the crashed bus, he stopped and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer gravely shook his head and said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied grimly, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and put it away.

The man asks,

"Aren't you going to take a drink?"

And the woman replies,

"No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."

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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

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Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

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Not only is my new thesaurus terrible,

But it's also terrible.

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Oh no!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob sighs and says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

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Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."


[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

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Pickle slicer (nsfw)

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.


A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"


"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"


His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"


"I got fired."


"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"


"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

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Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

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A cheeky sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. The doctor took a large piece from her buttocks.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)

...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.

The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terrible. What did you do?"

"I told my wife it was over, that I was going out for a couple of hours and when I get back she better be gone because I never want to see her again."

"Fuck," says the barman, sympathetically. "And what did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad dog!"

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I wanna stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

Frank has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Frank vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Frank returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Frank?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Frank, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Frank ... I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, uhhh, she got fired, too."

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My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

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Fred gets home from his weekly golf game....

and his wife asks how it went. Fred says: "It was terrible. George had a heart attack and died on the 11th fairway. It was awful." His wife is understandably shaken and says: "That's terrible, poor George." Fred says fuck George, poor me! The whole back side of the course it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.........."

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Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

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Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

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A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER

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My father always told me son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer

Terrible father, great rapist

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The Crushed Scrotum

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. a lady stood and walked to the podium.

she said, 'I have praise. two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. the pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

you could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor jim experienced.

she continued, 'jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. we prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

again, the men in the congregation squirmed! uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on jim. she continued, 'now, jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum
should recover completely.' all the men sighed with relief.

the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

a man rose and walked to the podium. he said, 'i'm jim and i want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."


"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The scrotum story...

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is "sternum."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bill works in a pickle factory...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

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A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

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My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.

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A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

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A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts

"Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."
So the doctor says: "Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."
A week later the man comes back.
"Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"
"Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your farts."

-----
This was my grandpa's favourite joke. He was a big fan of fart humour.

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Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

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2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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The alt-right can't be nazis

Their grammar is terrible!

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns from the flames: "Angus the orphan-saver"? Noo!"

"But..." He paused to sip his beer... "You fuck just *one* goat..."

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Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing.

Finally the third one says,
Don't look at me. There's no drama here, my system works like clockwork. I pee at 7 a.m, I shit at 8, and at 9, I wake up.

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Not only is my new thesaurus terrible

It's also terrible

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I'm 1/16th Cherokee...

Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.

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I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. The first couple of chapters were terrible, but by the end I loved it!

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Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

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My new thesaurus is terrible

in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible

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Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Good man, terrible anaesthetist.

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How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board.

Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

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I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father...

He never sees his kids

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A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

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A Man Goes To His Doctor for a Complete Checkup

He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.

"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous sex, and join the Mormon church" the doctor replies.

"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks

"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."

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I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

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jack off

Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off. "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

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A man goes to confession to tell the priest he used a terrible word.

The priest asks him what happened.

The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.

The priest asks, is that when you said the bad word, and the man says , no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand trap and the priest says oh, I see, so that's when you said the bad word and the man says no father, the ball hit a rake and bounced onto the green within a foot of the cup

And the priest slaps his forehead and yells DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!

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My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me...

But toucan play at that game

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I'm terrible at telling jokes...

I always punch up the fuck lines

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A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

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"One man's trash is another man's treasure..."

Was a pretty terrible way for my dad to tell me I was adopted.

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Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"

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After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

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Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

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Road Head

I'm going to preface this joke by telling you that I am terrible at telling jokes, English is not my first language and if you can make this sound better by rewriting it, please do, as I'd love to hear it. Also, I haven't heard this joke before, nor have I seen it here.

So, a married couple is driving when the woman decides to give her husband head. Its going great until the man is about to cum because the car loses control, hits into a wall and the husband dies.

At the funeral, the wife stands up to say her speech. She starts:
"My husband was a great man. He wasn't a smart man, but he was a good person and a great lover. Know that he died in a moment of ecstasy."
His mother stood up and shouted "Maybe **YOU** shouldn't have been driving."

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I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

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A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday. Β 

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A Lawyer and a Priest Go Golfing

A lawyer and a priest tee off on the first hole of their game. The lawyer screws up his swing and exclaims "Damn! Missed!" The priest warns him, "You should not say such things under the eyes of the almighty." The lawyer shrugs this off as they continue. On the next hole the lawyer makes another terrible shot, "Damn! Missed!" he exclaims once again. Once again the Priest warns him, "You risk invoking the wrath of God if you continue your blasphemy sir."
They arrive at the third hole and once more, "DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"
Suddenly the sky darkened with clouds, the temperature dropped to a chill, and before either golfer could comment on it, a lightning bolt from the heavens blazed down and fried the priest to a crisp. The lawyer then heard a deep, loud voice from beyond the horizon, "DAMN, MISSED."

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An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."

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A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...

She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:

"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"

The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."

The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"

"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.

"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.

"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

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A guy calls into work....

says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.

the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for sex, and that usually fixes me right up."

the guy says he'll try that.

later, he comes into work, ready to go. the boss sees him and says

"so, that worked, didn't it?"

the guy says "yes, it did, and you have a really nice house."

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

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Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?

Because the pilot was terrible.

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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Dad Joke

It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"

Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.

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What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?

Getting off early

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A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.

And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.

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Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)

GyΓΆrgy had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw GyΓΆrgy cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and GyΓΆrgy replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"

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A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."

The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"

And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."

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Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.

An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"

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Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.

"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

"Was it a quick death, father?"

"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

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TITANIC

Sorry that was a terrible ice breaker

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Only men who wear the pants go to heaven.

I am translating this joke from Spanish so pardon any errors.

There is a terrible accident and 100 couples were killed. They find themselves in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter decides to divide the group into two and declares: "Every man who wore the pants in the relationship stand on the left line, and all the men who let their women boss you around stand on the right." Much to his surprise, 99 men stand on the right. St. Peter is very stunned and curious about the sole man standing on the left. He goes up to him and asks, "okay son, why are you in this line?" The man looks very frightened and he caves in, "I'm sorry, my wife told me to stand here."

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Call from the doctor's office

"Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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Everyone says athiests tell terrible jokes

But I won't believe that until I have proof.

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A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.


Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"


The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

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Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"

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Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?

He always leaves you hanging

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I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

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What are the best Terrible puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Terrible? Well, here are the best jokes about Terrible to have fun with.

Joko Jokes