Terrible Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

Terrible ratings. One star.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine'

because I'm terrible at tennis.

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

"Between you and me, I think something's up."

I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."


[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

I bought the worst thesaurus today

Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

Fred gets home from his weekly golf game....

and his wife asks how it went. Fred says: "It was terrible. George had a heart attack and died on the 11th fairway. It was awful." His wife is understandably shaken and says: "That's terrible, poor George." Fred says fuck George, poor me! The whole back side of the course it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.........."

Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer.

At least he had a great fall.

My father always told me son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer

Terrible father, great rapist

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

The alt-right can't be nazis

Their grammar is terrible!

"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns from the flames: "Angus the orphan-saver"? Noo!"

"But..." He paused to sip his beer... "You fuck just *one* goat..."

Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing.

Finally the third one says,
Don't look at me. There's no drama here, my system works like clockwork. I pee at 7 a.m, I shit at 8, and at 9, I wake up.

I'm 1/16th Cherokee...

Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.

I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. The first couple of chapters were terrible, but by the end I loved it!

Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Good man, terrible anaesthetist.

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board.

Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father...

He never sees his kids

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me...

But toucan play at that game

A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure..."

Was a pretty terrible way for my dad to tell me I was adopted.

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade?

He was having a mid-life crisis.

I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday. Β 

A guy calls into work....

says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.

the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for sex, and that usually fixes me right up."

the guy says he'll try that.

later, he comes into work, ready to go. the boss sees him and says

"so, that worked, didn't it?"

the guy says "yes, it did, and you have a really nice house."

Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?

Because the pilot was terrible.

Dad Joke

It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"

Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.

What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?

Getting off early

A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.

And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.

"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

"Was it a quick death, father?"

"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

TITANIC

Sorry that was a terrible ice breaker

Everyone says athiests tell terrible jokes

But I won't believe that until I have proof.

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.


Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"


The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?

He always leaves you hanging

I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

What are the funniest terrible jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Terrible? Well, here are the best Terrible puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Terrible pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes