The Best 82 Terms Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Terms jokes. There are some terms behavior jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these terms apr puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Terms Jokes and Puns

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

Terms joke, Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

An investigation was carried out by a foundry...

since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it.

(fyi I don't know anything about metalworks or smelting at all. If I used any of these terms incorrectly, sorry.)

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!

(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

I love you unconditionally*. -God

*Terms and conditions apply.
See Bible for more details.

Terms joke,  I love you unconditionally*.  -God

Every time I do it, I try my best but I still suck at it. When I was young my parents explained it to me in very simple terms. Over the years, many girls have showed me how to do it. I'm ashamed to say I've tried to learn from online videos.

And yet I still can't fold fitted sheets.

The religion of bras.

There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.

There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.

There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.

There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

Did you hear about the midget that finally came to terms with his homosexuality?

He just came out of the cupboard.

You can explore terms contemporary reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean terms pact dad jokes. There are also terms puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Two scientists walk into a bar...

One asks for a H2O, the other asks for a H2O too. The bartender hands them both glasses of water and asks them why they're talking in scientific terms.

I get ignored so much that people call me terms and conditions

I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

At first it was hard for me to come to terms with trainsexual

Then I saw the light at the end of the tunnel

Terms joke, At first it was hard for me to come to terms with trainsexual

I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

Where do the bad music terms live?

In the larghetto!

^I'll ^show ^myself ^the ^door... ^its ^over ^here...

What charity has PETA beat in terms of death rate?

The Make a Wish Foundation.

As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer.

I didn't... It just kind of grew on me.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

I've finally come to terms with having genital warts...

I guess they kinda grew on me

I don't understand basketball terms.

I tried going hard in the paint and ended up getting banned from the Sherwin Williams

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.




I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

Why did Obama get two terms as President?

Because every black man gets a longer sentence.

Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?

Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:

"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The other then says to his companion:

"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"

The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

What is the biggest lie in the world?

"I have read and agree to the terms of service"

My girlfriend studies law:

Me - What you reading?

Her - The Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977.

Me - Oh that's cool, anything about our relationship in there?

I didn't get any that night.

Dang girl are you a zero percent APR loan?

cuz I don't understand your terms and conditions and you keep saying you have no interest

Let's start using better, more friendly terms for 'Crackhead', 'Methhead', or the classic: "Wow that guy has done way too many drugs."

I prefer 'Pharmaceutically Gifted'

I enjoyed a satire about how people in the future come to terms with outrageous ideas and eventually become more and more like the presidents who adopt them.

It was called "On the oranging of species"

Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say: "I Agree"

Adam & Eve

The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.

In the end you just give up and go I Agree .

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

Arguing with a woman is like reading Terms and Conditions

You end up ignoring it all and just clicking "I agree" at the bottom

If someone says they have never lied they are lying

because no one has ever read the terms and conditions.

What is the biggest lie in the Universe

I have read and accepted the terms and conditions

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

What is the one thing that everyone can agree on?

Terms and Conditions

A man sees a woman in a bar...

A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."

The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"

The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

I think there's something that we can all agree on.

Terms and Conditions

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.




I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post and I don't wanna get flamed."

(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

China has now voted to do away with the 2 terms law

I guess we'll be Xi-ing him for long.

The shooter at YouTube...

Was removed because her content violated YouTube's terms of service.

Sorry about that

Even with all the terms there are today to describe one's gender orientation, there still wasn't one that fit me. So, I created my own: tri-sexual.

I really would like to try it someday.

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

Given the terms crab , tuna , lobster , and Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders , which does not fit?

Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.

I get ignored so much.

My name should be Terms and Conditions.

An Egyptian man was sailing down a river

When his boat started to leak. He kept on rowing further down the river, whilst more and more water started to pour in. The man ignored the problem and just continued to sail down the river. Eventually his boat was nearly fully submerged and it quickly started to sink. The man refused to come to terms with his situation and just kept trying to row down the river.

He was in de Nile

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology...

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology to her class. She explained what the urethra and testicles are to her class, when a student raised his hand and said,

"I thought that the urethra and testicles were just two different terms describing the same thing?"

The teacher responded,

"No, that's not correct. There's a vas deferens between the two."

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they read 100 pages of changed terms of service in one second.

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

Im really bad at culinary terms,

Char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch.

It's all Greek to me.

It was really difficult to come to terms with the death of my ex.

But eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

What is 6.9 in sex terms?

It's when you two are 69ing that gets interrupted by a period.

What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments?


A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.

Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"

Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"

Man: "How about ten dollars?"

Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"

Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

A little girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The mom has been preparing for this so she explains the process using scientifically correct terms but in a way the young girl can understand. Afterwards she asks, "Do you have any questions?"

The little girl thinks for a few seconds and then says, "How does the daddy's sperm get into the mommy? Does she swallow it?"

"Sometimes," says the mom, "If she really wants some new jewelry."

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

I have a fetish for doing algebra

I've come to terms with that

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

My mute son and I got into a fight today...

We're not on speaking terms.

There is a term for people like Trump...

But not two terms

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

They have a term for a guy like Trump.

Not two terms.

Just one term.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump..

Probably not *two* terms though...

They call me terms and conditions

Cause i am always ignored

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

The military is now using gender neutral terms like...

cannonfodder and expendable

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the terms condition jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working terms sincere piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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