Terminal Jokes
129 terminal jokes and hilarious terminal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terminal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud at these humorous jokes about terminal illnesses, terminal velocity, Linux terminals, Gatwick airport, wharfs, and railroads. Discover the lighter side of living with terminal illnesses, overcome the fear of terminal velocity, and explore the wacky world of Linux terminals. No matter the situation, these terminal jokes will have you rolling in laughter!
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Funniest Terminal Short Jokes
Short terminal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terminal humour may include short console jokes also.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
- How did the Terminator convince his girlfriend to move in with him? He said, "Live with me if you want to come."
- Why was Snape so upset when Lily Potter was wrongfully terminated? She was never able to receive her Severus package.
- Abortion jokes are never funny. So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition.
- Arnold Schwarzeneggar never has mice, rats or cockroaches in his house He is an ex Terminator
- I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine." - A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.
- For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
- What do you call it when you put arsenic in the coffee can at work? Grounds for termination.
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Terminal One Liners
Which terminal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terminal? I can suggest the ones about command and tern.
- Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
- I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
- What do you call a dying airport computer? A terminal terminal terminal.
- What's the difference between The Terminator and your dad? The Terminator will be back.
- How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
- What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
- I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
- I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back.
- Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job. Now he's an exterminator
- Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business. He's already an ex-terminator.
- How did the airport die? From terminal cancer.
- A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list He's now at terminal velocity.
- I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag? Grounds for termination!
Terminal Illness Jokes
Here is a list of funny terminal illness jokes and even better terminal illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine. - Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
- Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
- My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.
- Why did the battery die? Terminal illness.
- I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
- Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station. It was a terminal illness.
- What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness? *He pastaway.*
- Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians? It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.
(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.) - My friend has just married his terminally ill girlfriend... I give it six months
Terminal Velocity Jokes
Here is a list of funny terminal velocity jokes and even better terminal velocity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A falling Borg has no terminal velocity... ...Air resistance is futile.
- How fast does a skydiving cancer patient fall? Terminal velocity.
- What did the doctor tell the skydiver? I'm afraid you have velocity. And it's terminal.
- How fast can you travel in any direction in an airport? Terminal velocity.
- I threw my screen out of a window It reached terminal velocity
- How fast do you have to run to catch your flight? Terminal velocity
- Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground? Because he reached terminal velocity.
Linux Terminal Jokes
Here is a list of funny linux terminal jokes and even better linux terminal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you heard there's a new disease you can get from using Linux? It's Terminal.
(OC joke.) - What killed the Linux user? A terminal disease.
- What did the Windows user say to his Linux terminal? DIR
Comedy Terminal Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about terminal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean utter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terminal pranks.
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
Hope it's not terminal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."
Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
Help me find this joke
The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.
On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...
...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).
Terminator doesn't google himself
he uses Altavista baby.
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...
"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
What don't they name train stations after astrology signs?
No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!
What is the Terminators muslim name?
Al Bi Baq
Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.
Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman. I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.
The Terminator and his friends decided to go to a costume party dressed up as famous classical musicians.
"I'll be Beethoven!", said one friend.
"I'll be Mozart!", said the other friend.
"I'll be Bach.", said The Terminator.
You go in for an interview for a Linux programming job...
...and you are asked for an example of your linux programming abilities,
so you type into the terminal "sudo apt-get JOB"
Why was the pilot dying?
Because he had terminal cancer.
How does the Terminator lose weight?
By counting Kylereese.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...
Terminating it is unchristian afterall
What Did The Muslim Terminator Say?
Allah Be Back.
From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.
A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.
"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."
A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture
He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.
"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.
The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two different t**...
Doctor: You got two different t**.... One is made of wood and the other one is metal.
Man: * **surprised** *
Doctor: Do you have children?
Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.
What is a pirate's favourite letter?
Dear xxxxxxxxx
Your internet service has not been terminated for copyright infringement due to a lack of evidence.
Sincerely xxxxxxxx
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.
The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.
My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.
She'll be back.
A computer went to see the doctor.
The diagnosis was terminal.
A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago...
He's about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much...
A pianist performing in a subway terminal...
was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... with the terminator was quite unpleasant
He kept saying come with me if you want to live
What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?
"I'll be Bach".
A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.
A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."
A man had a terminal illness.
His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.
My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...
The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said To Berk You Go Sis!
The CEO proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night many years back.
The General Manager next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on 1st night.
All turned towards a fresher Clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night.
The Clerk replied: Only once Sir!
The CEO laughed n asked WHY?
The Clerk replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!
Today the clerk received all dues after termination.
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.
- Sir, the two test results are in and I'm afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. d**..., this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer.
A man goes to the doctor.
The man says,
"Doctor, I'm having serious trouble remembering what an airport building is called."
The doctor adopts a worried looks on his face, and says
"I'm so sorry. It's terminal."
A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning.
Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.
Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three pilots are talking in an airport terminal
I'm so good at flying says the first one That I can come within 15 meters of the ground and not c**...
Oh yeah? Asks the second one Well I'm so good at flying, I can come within 10 meters of the ground and not c**....
Then the third pilot looks at them both and says
You idiots land planes everyday
If Sarah Connor needed pest control...
She can call an Ex-Terminator
Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill the mouse?
He's an ex-Terminator
Which movie villain works at the abortion clinic?
The Terminator.
How do you live with a terminal disease?
You don't.
What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?
The Ex-terminator.
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer
I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign
"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: Sorry, sir. Your disease is terminal.
Wow, ok. So how long do I have, doc?
I'd say about 5 if you're lucky.
5 what? Weeks? Months?? Years???
4, 3, 2, 1...
