Terminal Jokes

133 terminal jokes and hilarious terminal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terminal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud at these humorous jokes about terminal illnesses, terminal velocity, Linux terminals, Gatwick airport, wharfs, and railroads. Discover the lighter side of living with terminal illnesses, overcome the fear of terminal velocity, and explore the wacky world of Linux terminals. No matter the situation, these terminal jokes will have you rolling in laughter!

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Funniest Terminal Short Jokes

Short terminal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terminal humour may include short console jokes also.

  1. A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
  2. What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Customer,
    Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.
  3. I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
  4. What did the Terminator say when Sarah Connor asked him why he hadn't updated to Windows 10? "I still love Vista, baby."
  5. How did the Terminator convince his girlfriend to move in with him? He said, "Live with me if you want to come."
  6. Why was Snape so upset when Lily Potter was wrongfully terminated? She was never able to receive her Severus package.
  7. Abortion jokes are never funny. So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition.
  8. Arnold Schwarzeneggar never has mice, rats or cockroaches in his house He is an ex Terminator
  9. I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
    Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
    Doctor: "Nine."
  10. A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

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Terminal One Liners

Which terminal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terminal? I can suggest the ones about command and tern.

  1. Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
  2. I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
  3. What do you call a dying airport computer? A terminal terminal terminal.
  4. What's the difference between The Terminator and your dad? The Terminator will be back.
  5. How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
  6. What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
  7. I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
  8. I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back.
  9. Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job. Now he's an exterminator
  10. I got sick at the airport My doctor said it was terminal
  11. My doctor told me I had the airport flu. He says it's terminal.
  12. I fell sick in an airport.... was a terminal illness.
  13. Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business. He's already an ex-terminator.
  14. How did the airport die? From terminal cancer.
  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger now works in an insecticide bussiness. He's an ex-terminator.

Terminal Illness Jokes

Here is a list of funny terminal illness jokes and even better terminal illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
  • Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
    Doctor: Nine.
  • I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
  • What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
  • What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger? It's morphine time!
  • Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
  • What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport? Terminal.
  • Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
  • Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport? It was a terminal illness.
  • My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.

Terminal Velocity Jokes

Here is a list of funny terminal velocity jokes and even better terminal velocity puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list He's now at terminal velocity.
  • A falling Borg has no terminal velocity... ...Air resistance is futile.
  • Why can't you beat a cancer patient in a race? Cause they move at terminal velocity.
  • How fast does a skydiving cancer patient fall? Terminal velocity.
  • What did the doctor tell the skydiver? I'm afraid you have velocity. And it's terminal.
  • How fast can you travel in any direction in an airport? Terminal velocity.
  • I threw my screen out of a window It reached terminal velocity
  • How fast do you have to run to catch your flight? Terminal velocity
  • Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground? Because he reached terminal velocity.
Terminal joke, Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground?

Linux Terminal Jokes

Here is a list of funny linux terminal jokes and even better linux terminal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Have you heard there's a new disease you can get from using Linux? It's Terminal.
    (OC joke.)
  • What killed the Linux user? A terminal disease.
  • What did the Windows user say to his Linux terminal? DIR
Terminal joke, What did the Windows user say to his Linux terminal?

Comedy Terminal Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about terminal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean utter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terminal pranks.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to i**... usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

Hope it's not terminal.

Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."

Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

Help me find this joke

The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

What's the difference between a greyhound terminal in New Jersey and a voluptuous lobster?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a b**... crustacean

Terminator doesn't google himself

he uses Altavista baby.

So a man goes to the doctor...

and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor and hears bad news.

The doctor says, "I'm afraid it's the worst news possible. It looks like your disease is terminal."
"Tell me straight, Doc. How long to I have?"
"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months?"
"Nine, eight, seven..."

There was a business man that used to travel a lot

But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

What don't they name train stations after astrology signs?

No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!

Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.

Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman. I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.

The Terminator and his friends decided to go to a costume party dressed up as famous classical musicians.

"I'll be Beethoven!", said one friend.
"I'll be Mozart!", said the other friend.
"I'll be Bach.", said The Terminator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger just announced he's giving up the limelight to go back to his first love, pest control.

He's an ex-terminator now.

Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...

when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".
Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".
Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"

Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag?

Grounds for termination!

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a pretty good career for himself in pest control...

They say he's a great ex-terminator

A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture

He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.
"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.
The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."

Two different t**...

Doctor: You got two different t**.... One is made of wood and the other one is metal.
Man: * **surprised** *
Doctor: Do you have children?
Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.

I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.

The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.

My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.

She'll be back.

What is similar between dark humour and a child with terminal cancer?

It never gets old.

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."

What did the Terminator do after he lost his job?

He became an Exterminator

Doctor said that there was good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I have a terminal disease. The good news is I have a disease named after me.

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

Where did the terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B, Back.

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I'm afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. d**..., this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer.

After retiring from show business, Arnold Schwarzenegger now works in pest control.

He's the ex-Terminator.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning.

Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.
Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."

I have this unusual medical condition where I can't stop making silly airport puns.

The doctor says it's terminal.

I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill the mouse?

He's an ex-Terminator

What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?

The Ex-terminator.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Why can't you smoke at airports?

Cause it gives you terminal cancer.

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I'm afraid it's bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it's terminal.
Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?
Doctor: Five.
Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?
Doctor: Four.

I got the awful disease where i can't stop telling airport jokes....

My Doctor says its terminal...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Terminal joke, An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his

jokes about terminal