Terminal Illness Jokes
83 terminal illness jokes and hilarious terminal illness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about terminal illness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Terminal Illness Short Jokes
Short terminal illness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The terminal illness humour may include short terminally ill jokes also.
- I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine." - For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
- Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine. - Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
- I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
- What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness? *He pastaway.*
- Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians? It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.
(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.) - A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago... He's about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much... - I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness
- Would it be wrong to give terminally ill children tattoos? I mean... it's not like they'll grow up to regret them. :(
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Terminal Illness One Liners
Which terminal illness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with terminal illness? I can suggest the ones about deathbed and illness.
- I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
- What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
- I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
- I fell sick in an airport.... ....it was a terminal illness.
- I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger? It's morphine time!
- Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
- What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport? Terminal.
- Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport? It was a terminal illness.
- My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.
- Why did the battery die? Terminal illness.
- Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station. It was a terminal illness.
- My friend has just married his terminally ill girlfriend... I give it six months
- If you get sick at an airport... is it a terminal illness?
Terminal Illness Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about terminal illness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean end of life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make terminal illness pranks.
What did the terminally-ill dock worker say about his health care?
"It's asbestos could be."
Lawyer joke(Not sure if repost)
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the f**..., the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.
he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he rolls out of bed onto the floor, crawls to the top of the stairs, then head over heels he tumbles all the way downstairs. On his belly he drags himself into the kitchen. As he is laying there on the tile he can just see the edge of the cookies hanging over the counter. He reaches a weak hand up and then *KERRRWACK* right on his hand. He looks up and his wife is standing there holding a spatula. She says "STOP IT!!! Those are for the f**...".
A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...
He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.
Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, doc."
This is what the doctor told him...
"If I was you, I'd move to North Dakota- Marry a fat German woman with a pig farm and 7 kids."
...
"What will that do, Doc? Will that cure me?"
He says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life."
What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient?
"Now, this may be difficult to hear..."
A man lay on his deathbed...
He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.
With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, crawled across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chili from the stovetop. As he reached with a spoon for a taste from the p**..., his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.
"Leave it alone, Charlie!" she yelled. It's for the f**...!"
Have you heard the one about the terminally ill chil?
It never gets old
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
A Dr. was trying to call his patient...
A Dr. was trying to call his patient all afternoon. The phone would ring and ring and ring. The next day he tries calling again, starting at 8am, hoping to catch them before work. Finally around noon they answer.
The Dr. is relieved, and says "I have some good news and bad news, which do you want first?"
The patient says they want the good news.
The Dr. replies, "Well, you're terminally ill and only have 24 hours left to live."
The patient, who is completely surprised says "If that's the good news, what is the bad news?"
The Dr says "I've been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday!"
A Dying Lawyer's Wish
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the f**..., the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement!"
I have cancer. I can't sleep. Entertain me - tell me a joke about terminal illness or insomnia.
Why did the airplane no longer work?
Because it was **terminal**ly ill.
I'll show myself out.
What does 'terminal illness' mean?
When you become ill at the airport.
I want to start a charity where terminally ill people can request to sleep with hollywood celebrities...
I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"
A terminally ill man talks to his doctor
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: Please give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 30 days left to live.
Patient: And the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you that 1 month ago.
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
So a Doctor Has To Give a Patient Some Bad News.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
If a developer console gets a deadly illness,
... Would it be considered terminal?
What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient?
They are their own birth control
What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?
He suffered an elegiac reaction.
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal...
My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about.
A man went to the doctor
The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."
A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness
The doctor looks up. "The prognosis isn't good. You only have 10 to live."
The man, shocked, looks at him, "Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
The doctor says, "9"
What do you call a group of terminally ill teens in Beijing, all of whom want to end their lives?
Youth-in-Asia
Doctor: i have good news and bad news
Dave: Good news first.
Doctor: You're getting a terminal illness named after you.
Dave: and the bad news?
Why couldn't the sick man fly on a plane?
He had a terminal illness.
On sale: Diamonds for a limited time!
great gift for the terminally ill.
Did you hear about the pilot that got sick?
He was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live
Patient: 10 what?! Months?! Years?!
Doctor: Nine
What did the vet say to the farmer about his terminally ill cow?
It'll beef alright
I once wrote a hit song....
about a man who came home from the doctor to tell his wife that he was terminally ill.
Everybody who related to it soon died.
The success of the song was short lived.
They quarantined part of the airport today as it looked like a virus was spreading amongst the passengers.
It was a terminal illness.
So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor....
Man:How much time do I have left
Doctor: Ten
Man: Ten what I don't understand
Doctor: Eight
A man had a terminal illness.
His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.
Vet : I'm sorry sir, I am going to have to put him down
Owner : What??? Why?? Is he terminally ill??
Vet : No, it's cos he is very heavy.
Why did the computer buy a plane?
Because he wanted to go see the world before he died from his terminal illness
Went to a kids party today. It was sick.
I didn't know why they were celebrating while the kid was terminally ill...
I got a cold the other day at the airport, but I'm okay now.
I've survived a terminal illness.
Did you hear about the marine veterinarian who stopped the zombie apocalypse and operated on a terminally ill sea cow?
People say she was Hugh manatee's only hope.
A man is feeling ill, so he goes to see a doctor.
The doctor runs some tests and returns with a grave face.
Doctor: I'm really sorry, but this is terminal. You don't have long to live.
Man: What? No! How could this happen? I have a wife and child! Tell me doc, how long do I have left?
Doctor: 10...
Man: Ten months? That's horrible! How will I tell my wife?
Doctor: 9...
A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.
The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."
"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"
"Ten -- " the doctor said.
"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Months?! Weeks?! Days?!"
"Nine, eight, seven..."
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."