Tequila Jokes
137 tequila jokes and hilarious tequila puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about tequila that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a fun way to lighten up your next get-together? Check out these tequila jokes sure to make the tequila shots and chugs even more fun! From the classic tequila worm and tequila sunrise to the latest jokes about tequila and Covid-19, these funny jokes will have everyone in stitches. Whether you're livening up a party or simply need a laugh, these tequila jokes will do the trick! And don't forget to have some vodka as a chaser – cheers!
Funniest Tequila Short Jokes
Short tequila jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tequila humour may include short vodka jokes also.
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant... Peanuts and Pickles are great. Tequila is kind of an idiot
- Clint Eastwood, the Pope, and Yoda walk into the bar... It was at this point I realized I had done WAY too many tequila shots.
- With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.
- What's a Mexican drinking worm's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
- What is Juan's favorite book to read? Tequila Mockingbird
- How do you dismiss a bird that's making fun of you at a bar? Tequila mocking bird.
- Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me. I hate when people Patrónize me
- My son puked all over the bar on his 18th yesterday But then again, 18 shots of tequila are pretty much for a 7 year old.
- What starts with a T and ends with me on the floor? Tequila.
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Tequila One Liners
Which tequila one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tequila? I can suggest the ones about whiskey and liquor.
- What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird
- What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P) - What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird
- Tequila may not be the answer... ...but it's worth a shot.
- What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
- You know what they say about drinking too much tequila... Can't remember.
- Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
- What book does every Mexican student read in school? Tequila Mockingbird.
- What is the most popular novel in Mexico? Tequila mocking bird
- I've been on a tequila diet... And I've lost 4 days already
- Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail? It was the Tequila Mockingbird.
- Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out the window? *Tequila*
- what do you call a bookstore that's also a bar? tequila mockingbird
- I found out I'm allergic to tequila... Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs.
- What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers? Tequila Mockingbird
Tequila Shot Jokes
Here is a list of funny tequila shot jokes and even better tequila shot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two almonds Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.
Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?" - What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila? Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
- A Mexican walks into a bar... A Mexican walks into a bar and says, 'I need tequila'. The barman says, 'how many shots will you need?' The Mexican says, 'One will do, i have good aim.
- It's National Tequila Day. I wasn't gonna celebrate, but then I thought I'd give it a shot.
- A mind reader walks into a bar. "Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.
"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.
(This was redone because of a wrong title) - I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon...
...and a shot of tequila. - I have a couple shots of tequila maybe once every blue moon. Sorry, I wrote that wrong. I have a couple of Blue Moons for every shot of tequila.
- Self-discipline is drinking 10 shots of tequila and heading back to the right home.
- I drank tequila in a cave... ...it was a shot in the dark
- An anti-vaxxer goes to the bar with a few friends. They all decide on a round of tequila, but he turns down the offer. When asked why, he simply says,
"Sorry guys, I dont do shots."
Silly & Ridiculous Tequila Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about tequila you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean booze jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tequila pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large pile of $10 bills ....
He asks the bartender what the pile of money is about, and the bartender tells him, "We have a long-running contest here. You put in $10, and if you can complete three tasks, you get to walk away with the whole pile."
"What are the three tasks?" asks the man.
"Well, first you have to go over there in the corner, grab that large bottle of tequila, and c**...-a-lug the whole thing in one go without making a face.
"Second, you have to go out back where we keep Killer, our crazy mongrel wild dog, and extract one of his teeth using only your bare hands.
"If you get this far, you're going up to the fourth floor. There's an 80-year-old woman living there. She's a v**..., and you have to deflower her."
"Fine," says the man, "I can do this." He throws down his $10, goes over to the corner, grabs the tequila, and downs the whole thing without making a face. The bar patrons give him a light round of applause.
Already feeling tipsy, he stumbles to the back door. For the next three minutes, horrible, guttural animal sounds emanate. He stumbles back in, hair wild, clothes torn to shreds, covered in cuts, bruises, and blood, and growls, "Alright, now where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
What did the alcoholic with an abusive wife say?
I want Tequila.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bar had a promotional challenge...
... in which a person had to go through 3 rooms and finish the task related with each room. The person who could go through all three rooms would win $10,000. The task associated with the rooms were as followed:
First room: drink 10 liters of tequila.
Second room: Kill a tiger with your bear hands.
Third room: have s**... with a woman until she dies from it.
Many people would try the challenge but no one could get through any of the doors. Until this one brave man came along. He goes into the room with the tequila first and drinks all ten liters. Then he comes out and goes into the room with the tiger. Instantly the people outside hear vicious tiger noises coming from the room. But as the time passes the tiger noises calm down to moans and then they stop. At which point the man comes out of the rooms and says, "alright now were is the woman I have to beat to death?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
late night...
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts
"You! Your mother gives me a b**...!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts
"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bull Fighting
>A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.
>While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
>It looked good.
>It smelled good.
>He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
>The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's t**... from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
>The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
>The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
>The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
>After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
>The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's t**... from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: An alligator out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have s**... with the dirtiest h**... in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds. He yells, "Now! Where's that h**... with the tooth ache?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.
"Relax," said the Seattlite c**..., "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' s**... of Californians. No big deal."
I told the bartender I'll have a Lou Gehrig's Disease.
It's a tall glass of tequila. You drink half of it, stand up to make a speech, drink the second half of it, and you're dead.
Why did the Mexican...
... throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
... go to the home improvement store in December?
Fajitas!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, Russian, and a Texan are sitting in a bar.
The russian has a bottle of v**..., The mexican has a bottle of tequila, And the texan has a bottle of whiskey. The russian gets up, c**... the whole bottle, throws it up and shoots it and says "in my country we have lots of v**...". After that the mexican gets up, c**... his bottle of tequila, throws it in the air and shoots. Then he says "in my country we have lots of tequila". So then the texan gets up, c**... his bottle of whiskey, throws it up in the air and shoots the mexican. Then he says "Back in texas we have alot of mexicans"
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."
What kind of tequila does Daniel Radcliffe drink?
Patronus...
What do you get when you mix Mexico with literature?
Tequila Mockingbird
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does h**... not drink tequila?
because it makes him get really mean...
What would Harper Lee's book be called if he was Mexican?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Harper Lee's new novel is a Mexican spinoff of her classic...
Tequila Mockingbird
In honor of To Set A Watchmen coming out soon, what would Harper Lee's book be called if she was Mexican?
Tequila Mockingbird.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, a Russian, and a Texan sitting at a bar
The Mexican has a bottle of tequila and says "in Mexico there is plenty of tequila" takes a big swig out of the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots the bottle. The Russian sitting next to him hears him and says " in mother russia we have plenty of v**..." takes a swig out of his bottle of v**... and throws it in the air and shoots it. The Texan sees this and is drinking an Alamo beer. So he says" in Texas we have plenty of beer." Takes a drink and shoots the Mexican and says "but in Texas we have plenty of Mexicans i tell you h'wut"
Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun...
Tequila
Usually, my rule for drinking is "one & done". But with tequila...
it's "Juan & Don".
Tequila
If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.
What is the Highest Proof of Tequila?
Juan Fifty Juan
I'm not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila
So you'll have to take it with a grain of salt...
What drink can wrongly convict a black man?
Tequila Mockingbird
The night before the wedding
The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tila Tequila claims to have died and come back to life.
But if she could resurrect her h**..., that would be a *real* miracle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"v**..., Sambuca, Tequila, Jäger!"
I'm calling the shots.
What do Antonin Scalia and tequila have in common?
They are both preferred in repose.
Cowboy walks into a bar.
A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what all of that money was for, since there must have been over a thousand dollars in the jar. The bartender says that you can walk away with the whole jar if you complete his challenge: A. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, B. Outside, there is an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out, C. Next door is a woman who has never had s**..., and you have to bang her.
The man says O.K., puts ten dollars in, downs the bottle of tequila, and stumbles out of the bar. Ten minutes later, he walks back in and says,
"Alright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?"
May the fourth be with you today...
...and may the fifth (of tequila) be with you tomorrow
Tequila Addiction
They're opening a new center to treat tequila addiction in Rochester, Minnesota. It will be known as the cinco de mayo Clinic.
What does Iron Butterfly put in their margaritas?
It's agave tequila, honey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Mexicans create tequila?
So Ugly people would have a chance at having s**...!
What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book?
Tequila Mockingbird.
A nacho enters the stomach
A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.
What would To Kill a Mockingbird be called if Harper Lee was an alcoholic?
Tequila Mockingbird.
What book is better when you read it drunk?
Tequila Mockingbird.
A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.
He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.
I guess he had tequila.
Why did the mexican kill his wife?
Tequila!! *bah-da dadda-dadda da-da*
Tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th century American literature last night…
Ended up with tequila mockingbird.
LPT: When life gives you lemons
order a tequila.
What do you read on cinco de mayo?
"Tequila Mockingbird"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...
...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you say v**... in Spanish?
Tequila!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
and he sees a huge amount of people milling about, waiting for the bartender to ladle out cups of red liquid from a bowl.
When the man finally gets to the counter, he asks for a double whiskey.
"Ain't got no whiskey," says the bartender. The man asks for v**..., to the same result. Same goes for gin, tequila, and r**....
Frustrated, the man throws up his hands. "Look, I walked into a bar; isn't this where you come to get alcohol?"
The bartender shakes his head and says "oh, sorry no - this is just the punch line."
What's a Mexican's favourite novel?
Tequila Mockingbird.
(I'm sure this joke has been made before, but I thought it up this morning.)
Harper Lee worked as a bartender as a past job.
She always served Tequila Mockingbirds.
I drank a bottle of Tequila last night and woke up with a Mohawk.
Not the haircut. A big, sweaty Indian.
What would drunk Harper Lee have titled her Pulitzer Prize-winning novel?
Tequila Mockingbird.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar…
Guy walks into a bar…
Orders 5 shots of tequila shoots them one after the other.
Bartender says Are you celebrating?
Guy says Yup! Had my first b**...!
Bartender says Congrats! Here is one on the house.
Guy shoots it, says Six shots of tequila and i still can't get the taste out of my mouth
Next day guy comes back to the bar and orders a tall glass of water.
Bartender says What happened, you were in here last night celebrating and having a great time
Guy yeah, I went home last night and blew chunks
Bartender Well, as much as you drank, not surprised
Guy you don't understand, Chunks is my dog…"
Dropped some alcohol on my favourite book.
Now it's called Tequila Mockingbird.
A string walks into a bar. . .
String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.
Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!
Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.
String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.
Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?
String: No, I'm a frayed knot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "v**...! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...
This will make you the person who calls the shots...
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
My new joke
We were eating lunch at this place that was serving tequila chicken, but after the meal one of the guys questioned picking that particular menu item.
Him: I'm not sure that was chicken at all.
Me: Maybe it was tequila mockingbird.
Pa dum dum dishhh
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**..., a m**..., and a Chick walk into a bar.
The s**... says, "Une tequila por favor."
The bar tender gives it to him.
The m**... says "Ah'll 'ave a pint o' Guinness."
The Chick says "Tweet tweet."
Why did the Mexican . . .
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
- For Hispanic attacks
Why did the Mexican Army invade the Alamo with only 5,000 troops?
- Because they only had two vans
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all his passengers?
- No one knows! He must have had a locomotive
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
- Tequila
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
A weird man with a weird condition
The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?
