tequila Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tequila puns

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

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What is an english teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

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Tequila may not be the answer...

...but it's worth a shot.

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A guy enters a bar...

A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay".
Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman.
The third day - now the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles.
"So, I guess there is no one left in your family who likes pussy..." - says the barman.
"Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."

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What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant...

Peanuts and Pickles are great. Tequila is kind of an idiot

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Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

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If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

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You know what they say about drinking too much tequila...

Can't remember.

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So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"

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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

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Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)

Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender looks up and says: "Wow, have you got something to celebrate?", after which he poors the shots.
The man replies: "Yes, my first blowjob!" and takes the first shot.
Bartender: "Well, congratulations! Here, have another on the house!".
The man shakes his head and says: "Nah, thanks, but if these 10 won't get that horrible taste out of my mouth, I'm pretty sure the eleventh won't do the trick either!"

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."

The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!

"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender

The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"

"Well, what do you have?"

"A dollar."

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A bar with a jar of money...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money sitting on the counter. Curious, he asks the bartender about it. The man replies, "It's a contest we have. Put $20 in the jar, chug a bottle of tequila without puking, then go into the next room and pull the bad tooth from the vicious rottweiler, then go upstairs and fuck the 105 year old woman. If you can do all those things within an hour you get to keep all the money in the jar." The man thinks about it for a minute and guesses there must be at least $1000 in the jar, so he says "Fuck it" and puts in his $20. He chugs the tequila within 20 minutes and stumbles drunkenly into the room with the dog. Screaming, snarling, whimpering, barking, and other horrible noises can be heard from the room. The man stumbles back out, bloodied and with his clothes in tatters, and says, "Alright, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"

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A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

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What is the most popular novel in Mexico?

Tequila mocking bird

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What book does every Mexican student read in school?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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What's the most popular book in Mexico?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird

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What do you get when you mix liquor and literature....

Tequila Mockingbird

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The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.

"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.

"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"

"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"

"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.

"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.

The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"

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Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a gallon of tequila. After completing that you must pull a broken tooth from our Rotwieler in the back. If you complete that, the last challenge is to bring to orgasm the 90 year old original owner of the bar who still lives upstairs. Do all that and you get free drinks from here for life."

The man was shocked and said it was a ridiculous challenge. However, after a couple of pints and encouragement from fellow patrons he signed the liability waiver and finished the gallon of tequila. The bartender led the man out back where the dog was kept.

Over 5 minutes had passed and the dog could be heard yelping, growling and finally quiet. The man re-entered the bar covered in cuts, bruises and breathing heavily. He looked at the bartender and said triumphantly, "ok, so where is that old lady with the broken tooth?!"

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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

(Also Ernest Hemingway, but that's beside the point)

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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What's the easiest way to fuck up your dishwasher?

Convince her to do tequila shots.

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Clint Eastwood, the Pope, and Yoda walk into the bar...

It was at this point I realized I had done WAY too many tequila shots.

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

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What is a Mexican's favorite novel?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What do Mexican kids read in middle school?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots of tequila, the bartender asks

"oh, is there an occasion for this?"

The man says "I had my first blow job"

Bartender says "well in that case I'll give you another on the house!"

The man replies "no thanks, if 11 don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will"

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You would do the same thing if you had what I have...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. Just as the bartender pours the last one, the man starts slamming them all down, one after the other. The bartender says "Holy Shit, man. What could possess you to drink like that?" The man says, "You would do the same thing if you had what I have...give me 10 more!"

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, lines up 10 more shots. Just like before, the man immediately slams through all 10. The bartender, astonished, says to the man, "That's the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink...you need to be careful." The man replies, "It's OK...you would do the same thing is you had what I have."

No longer able to retain his curiosity the bartender asks, "OK, pal, what exactly do you have that would make you drink like this?"

The man replies, "About 75 cents."

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What are the most funny Tequila jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tequila? Well, here are the best Tequila dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tequila pick up lines to share with friends.

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