tense Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tense puns

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though


So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.


A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!


So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today

I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.


I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.


I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' .

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.


F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.

Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!

The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...


My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.

So, that was a tense couple of years for me.


How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.


The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"



Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.

Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?

Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.

Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".

Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!


Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past


What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?

Past tense.


Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!


A guy goes to see his doctor...

The doctor asks what's wrong.

The guy says "Two nights ago, I dreamed I was a wigwam. Then last night, I dreamed I was a tepee."

The doctor replies, "Oh, you just need to relax. You're too tense."


The past, present and future walk into a room.

It got all tense.


My kid just asked 'What's the past tense of yeet?'. So I told him it's 'yate'.

In the morning, yeet your breakfast.

Then you're full because yate your breakfast.

(mayeb it isn't really a joke, but he laughed when I said it)


There's a question in the exam that said,

"What is the past tense of 'think'?"
So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.


How to get laid. A guide.


1. Lay on Bed

2. Wait 2 hours

3. Lay becomes past tense.


I was in an English exam and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think'

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'.


Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Did you hear about the Taiwanese man who was too tense?

He had a Taipei personality.


Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen"
* The officer begins to tense*
Officer: "Open up your trunk!"
Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead hooker in there"

The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead hooker, the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.

One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a hooker."

Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"


I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense...

...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.

I bet no one touched the meatballs.


An Englishman, an Irishman, and an Indian man wait at the hospital to see their newborn sons.

They don't pay any mind to each other until the doctor comes into the waiting area with all three of the babies.

"There's been a mix-up, we're not sure whose baby is whose."

The three fathers exchange some tense glances.

The Irishman takes initiative and steps forward, picking up the Indian child. "This is my little boy."

"What the hell?" The Indian man says. "That's clearly my son!"

The Irishman replies, "You think I'm about to risk adopting an Englishman?"


Had an English test the other day and...

was asked the past tense of "think",
I thought... thought... thought and wrote "thinked".


An American goes to Japan....

...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"


Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."


Working at the unemployment agency would have to be a tense job

Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.


I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.

In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."

He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.


What is the past tense of blink?



Dentist 2

A fellow is trying to get to sleep but he keeps tossing and turning. He wakes his slumbering bride and says, "We need to have sex. I'm all tense and need to relax so that I can sleep." She answers him, "Oh, hell no! I have to go to the OB/GYN in the morning so I'm all cleaned up." She goes back to sleep leaving him befuddled. In a while, he wakes her again to ask, "Do you have to go to the dentist tomorrow?"


A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!'
'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.'
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?'
'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders.


A guy run up to me and started yelling,

"I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

I said, "Calm down, man. You're too tense."


Three words are having an argument...

Had, Made, and Did were having a very heated argument. They became more and more agitated as the argument went on. It was beyond tense... It was past tense.


What are the most funny Tense jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tense? Well, here are the best Tense dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tense pick up lines to share with friends.

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