tend Jokes

funny tend pick up lines and hilarious tend puns

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".


Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."


Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.


My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.


It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.


Why do programmers struggle with girls?

They tend to objectify them.

*I'll see myself out*


The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.


Friends are a lot like snowmen...

They tend to go away when you piss on them.


Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.


Why don't they let whales into strip clubs?

They tend to humpback.


The worst part about working with a bunch of dicks...

...is they tend to rub off on you.


Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.


Elephant jokes.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Thats because it had its toenails painted.

Why should you never walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm? That's when elephants tend to jump out of cherry trees.

Why are midgets so short? They tend to walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forrest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.


Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.


People with which blood type tend to misspell things?



A Pharmacist goes out for lunch

A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacist yelled "laxatives aren't for coughs!" The assistant replied, oh yea? He hasn't coughed anymore, He's scared to.


Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.


Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment


A man moves to a new neighborhood

After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door

"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy sex."

"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.

"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".


A lawyer named Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"


Studies show that women that are overweight tend to live longer

Or at least longer than the men that point it out.


A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, That will be $200.
The surgeon was astonished. He says, I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.
The plumber says, Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."


I have a tendency to run around naked...

So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.


A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol' Cadillac, start 'er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain't reached my front gates.

The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,

Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!


A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blondes tend to be more sensitive to stimulation, so I would do the blonde."

They repeat the experiment with the business man, and he replies, "In my professional experience, brunettes tend to be more assertive, and that's what I want in a lover, so I'd do the brunette."

Then the pre-school teacher came in. They showed him the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead, and asked him which woman he'd rather sleep with. He replies, "In my professional experience, If you're happy and you know it, do all three!"


What do laxatives and gentrification have in common?

Both tend to displace brown populations.


Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."


The interviewer asked me, "What's your worst quality?"

I said, "I tend to speak my mind."

He said, "I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing..."

I said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."


I tend to sleep in the nude.

Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.


I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom

Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.


Why can't you trust fajitas?

Because they tend to spill the beans.


Vampires that are depressed and unproductive tend to live longer...

... because no one puts any stake in them.


I was going to tell some rabbit jokes

But people tend not to carrot all about them.


So two men head out to their greenhouse to tend to their marijuana plants

But when they enter, they're a bit shocked as a fully matured cow is just standing there, sniffing the plants.

"Holy shit!" says the one man. "How the hell did it get in here?"

But the other man looks at him in a serious way and says to him "Calm down my friend. The steaks have never been higher"


Why are cat pirates so untrustworthy?

They tend to commit mewtiny


What are the best Tend puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Tend? Well, here are the best Tend dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Tend pick up lines to share with friends.

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