Temple Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

My body is a temple.

What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.

A temple for atheists...

Is a "nonprophet" organisation.

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

I'm in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We're a rock band.

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking

about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.

The Priest: I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church.

The monk: how interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine.

The rabbi chimes in, oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!

Note: Before labeling me an anti-semite, be advised my uncle (an Orthodox Rabbi) is the one who told me this joke, which he was told 50+ years ago in Yeshiva.

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed calmly "Lord, I am nothing." Sitting back down, both rabbis returned to their talmudic ruminations.

Near the front of the room was a volunteer cleaner, who had been sweeping up and saw both of the revered men make the profound statements. So overcome with emotion having just witnessed the most sublime of confessions from such great leaders of faith, he tossed down his broom, fell to his knees, and wailed "Oh LORD! I am nothing!"

The rabbis both looked up, startled out of meditation. The first rabbi looked at the second, and gesturing towards the cleaner with his eyebrows, said "So look who think's he's nothing."

My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple

Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter.

My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

My body is a temple of the LORD

Only the high priest is allowed to come inside.

Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastically. We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore. I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me. Ben, I'm not sure what to do."

Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"

Why didn't the monk sell his temple?

*Because it had no monastery value.*

Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

Did you hear about the temple that burnt down?

Holy smokes.

Where was Soloman's temple located?

On the side of his head.

My body is like a temple...

More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.

Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity.

Literally anyone can come inside a temple.

My church says to treat my body like a temple.

And let all the priests inside.

I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

The Islamic temple I went to had a weird smell...

it was a strange mosque

They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

A bartender walks into...

...a church, a temple and a mosque.
He has no idea how jokes work.

My body is a temple...

... just not the kind you'd pay to visit.

My body is a temple.

My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.

I treat my body like a temple.

By that I mean that a bunch of Jewish guys enter me every Friday night.

When I go to the bar I get a Lindsey Lohan.

It's a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke

I think the phrase, "My body is a temple" is completely untrue...

I don't know about other people, but my body is like a Catholic Church It's full of wine, bread and guilt.

What's The Difference Between People, Who Pray In Temple And People Who Pray In A Casino?

Those praying In Casino Are More Serious.

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish?

He was shot in the temple

You know what they say;

Your body is a temple, make sure you charge people for entrance.

I saw a Doric temple in Corinth today

Pretty Ionic don't you think?

I just found out JFK was jewish.

He was shot in the temple.

Bob Saget walks in to a bar. ..

He joyfully exclaims to the bartender "Tonight I'm celebrating the first successful test of my time machine! Give me a virgin Shirley Temple!"

The bartender looks confused and says "but mister Saget, a Shirley Temple is always a virgin."

Bob Saget winks and says, "Not anymore."

A magician calls a man onstage...

and he gives the man a sledgehammer, and he says, "I want you to take this sledgehammer and hit me as hard as you can in the head." The guy says, "Alright." The magician puts his head down on a block a wood and the guy hauls back and BAM! Pops this magician in the temple. Ten years later, the magician wakes up out of a coma in the hospital and goes, "TADAAA!"

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...

Son: "Hey papa?"

Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"

Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?

Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and bring me back five."

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an athiest for a happy life.


A meeting wraps up amongst delegates in Russia. The Russian minister says to his fellow delegates, "After meetings like this, its Russian policy to drink vodka and play a round of Russian Roulette."

The Nigerian delegate asks what Russian Roulette is.

"Well I take this revolver, place a round in it, spin the chamber and fire at my temple. Then I pass it around. Each of you spins the chamber and repeats. If you die, it means you didn't have honest intentions in the meeting."

They each take their turn and live, at which point the meetings adjourn. A few months later the same group meets in Nigeria.

After their meetings the Nigerian Ambassador says "After a successful meeting in this country we like to drink Ogogoro and play a round of Nigerian Roulette."

"How do you play?" The Russian asks.

"Well I bring in 4 beautiful women. You must choose to sleep with one of them unprotected."

"That's not so bad," the Russian says "Is there a catch?"

"One of the 4 of them is HIV positive"

A Zen Buddhist and a Christian got in a fight over a neighborhood nativity scene last winter. The Buddhist trashed the 3 Wisemen display right before he went to temple.

They charged him with premeditated myrrhder.

A joke from Israel

One guy is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money to charity, anything. Please help me find parking!". And indeed, in a few seconds he sees a car pull out, vacating a great spot. So he says "Okay forget it, I'm all set".

Did you hear about the druggie who stumbled into a Jewish temple?

He was stoned.

Last went to temple when I was 13. Still remember this "joke."

A man jumps into the ocean and decides to put his life in God's hands. He is treading water for 45 mins when a tugboat comes by. The captain shouts to him, "get in and we will take you to shore!" The man calls back, "no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me." The captain looks perplexed but drives away." Next, a helicopter pilot spots the man and lowers down a ladder. He calls down, "grab the ladder and we'll pull you up!" The man again tells him, "not thanks, I'm waiting for God! The man dies and is before God at the pearly gates. He is angry and asks God, "where were you when I needed you?" God replies, "who do you think sent the boat and helicopter?"

Why didn't the gorilla join the Buddhist temple?

It was too monk-y.

I treat my body like a temple..

That's been destroyed by ISIS

If your body is a temple, does than mean that bald guys get to come inside you?

Why does Godzilla go to temple?

because he's a kaiju

I entered a speaking competition at my jewish temple

I didn't win, but at least i got honorable mensch-en

Avi goes to his rabbi (stop me if this has been posted before; I'm not a subscriber)...

Avi goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi Gershenson, I'm at the end of my rope! I have taught my son well, taken him to temple every Sabbath unless he was gravely ill, sent him to yeshiva, yet he tells me that he wants to convert to Christianity. What should I do?"

The rabbi replies, "You're asking me?! Avi, I taught my son well, I took him to temple every Sabbath, I sent him to yeshiva, and still he told me that he wanted to convert."

Avi says, "Rabbi, what did you do?"

Rabbi Gershenson says, "I asked *HaShem* for guidance."

Avi asks, "And what did the Lord say?"

Rabbi Gershenson replies, "He said, '**You're asking ME?!**'"

Catching imaginary characters

"How much time do you waste catching imaginary characters on your phone" my father said to me as I was playing Pokemon Go.

And then he left for the temple.

What part of the head...

Do Egyptians love most?

The temple

My body is built like a temple

There are many hollow passageways where things enter and leave

"Do you know what my husband said? My body is a temple..."

"...But it's a temple where a lot of pigs get slaughtered."

All credit to Samira Ahmed

Did you know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?

He got shot in the temple

Your body maybe a temple...

But mine is a trap house

Did you read my mother's retraction of her support of the president over his hyper critical aide's tantrum at the Hindu temple?

It was my mama's Obama's trauma llama Brahma drama reclama.

How many nuns are there in a temple?


What do you call Harrison Ford shivering in the corner of the Temple of Doom?

Indiana Jonesing

(My 99 y/o Jewish grandma told me this joke tonight and I have never heard it before) - "Why was Abraham Lincoln Jewish?"

Because he was shot in the temple.

What are the funniest temple jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Temple? Well, here are the best Temple puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Temple pick up lines to share with friends.

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