Temperature Jokes

What are some Temperature jokes?

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 Β°C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke Warm.

May the 4th Be With You!

Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?

Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.

Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.

Me: Did you give it back?

Wife: ...

Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?

Luke warm

I have a temperature of -273.15Β°C

Don't worry. I'm 0K

Burned my Hawaiian pizza...

Should have put it on aloha temperature.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature.

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."

"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"

"Whats that?"

"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."

"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15Β°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

I love Florida everything is in the 80's

The temperature, the people, and the IQs.

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

I need you to make a container with finite temperature and infinite volume

No pressure

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts Β£333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

What's the internal temperature of a Ton-ton?

Lukewarm

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

A few months ago my friend got ill and his body temperature dropped to -273.15Β°C

Luckily he turned out to be 0K

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 Β°C and 33.1 Β°C?

The Specific Ocean.

A necrophiliac would say: "I like my coffee like I like my women...

room temperature.

My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.

So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

Womb temperature.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.

The sun was coming up. Adam & Eve had just spent the entire night ...

... having glorious unadulterated sex. Eve decided to go wash up in the river close by. Just as she dipped her toe in the water to feel the temperature, she heard a thundering voice, "Do NOT go into the water!". Eve shrugged, and thought to herself, "What's the worse that could happen?". She waded into the water waist deep.

.... Another thundering voice came from the sky, "Now i'll NEVER get the smell out of the FISH!".

I used to smoke weed in the 90's

Now I don't care what temperature it is

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

What temperature do you bake two pies?

360 degrees

If your body temperature decreased to -273 CΒ°...

...you will still be 0K.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40Β° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40Β° C.

There has been some controversy lately...

...about what would happen if you put a lightsaber in water. Would it break? Would the water heat up or cool? Recent scientists have discovered the water will heat to about the internal temperature of a tauntaun...luke warm.

Researchers in Canada have reported finding a superconductor that they say works at room temperature.

This guy's doctor tells him he needs to stop masturbating. Guy asks why.

"Because I'm trying to take your temperature."

What's the average temperature of tattooine?

Lukewarm.

[WARNING, spoilers ahead!]

1.) Storing milk at room temperature
2.) Grandparents
3.) Black people in a movie theatre

I like my women like I like my cheese

Blue, a little below room temperature, and easy to slice

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

What do you do when your mother in law keeps banging on the window?

Raise the oven's temperature.

What is the temperature of the average coffin?

6 Below

Call me the temperature

Because tonight I'm dipping into the teens

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

What's the temperature of a light saber?

Warm Warm

Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend

Non existent, but I hope every day.

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak...

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They've been out all day, and the sun's setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks. This just goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Sorry about the temperature down the mine today

It's coal man

What temperature do you bake 2pi?

360 degrees.

Trigonometric joke I created myself

A Russian officer is giving his cadets a lesson about chemistry.

He says: "Cadets, write down: the temperature ofΒ boiling water is 90Β°."

One of the privates replies, "ComradeΒ praporshchik, you're mistaken β€” it's 100Β°!"

The officer consults his handbook, and then announces, "Right, 100Β°. It is a *right angle*Β that boils at 90Β°."

I quit smoking cold turkey.

I now let it sit at room temperature for 30 minutes first.

I ate so much sushi today

My mercury levels were so high I knew the waiter's temperature when he brought the check.

No matter what temperature your room is..

..it is always room temperature

I made a political joke up just now...

Given the current temperature of the political climate....

Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change?

Last night there was a total eclipse of the sun...

It was quite an eclipse. The earth's shadow blocked out the sun completely. It got very dark. The temperature dropped. It was eerie. But, after a few hours, I got tired and went inside to sleep.

I hear that there will be another one tonight and every evening next week.

Why does Roy Moore like D.C.

Because, while the temperature is 30Β°, the real feel is in the teens.

As she slid in the rectal thermometer I got a throbbing and very noticeable erection. I did my best to hide it but...

...the vet said that it would probably be better if I waited outside while she took my dog's temperature.

You think you're cool...

But you're just room temperature.

How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid?

At womb temperature!

I like my soda like I like my women

Flat and room temperature.

What do you call a sandwich that is not well-liked at cold temperature?

A BRRRRR GRRRRR!

What do you call two gay men in a freezer regulated at a certain temperature?

Homostasis.

What scale does an amoeba use to measure temperature.

CELLsius

How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it?

I - SCOLD - BEER !

Kelvin Benjamin was traded to the Buffalo Bills yesterday. Before his first game he asks, what's the temperature outside?

It's zero degrees, Kelvin.

A nurse is working in the office

A rather incompetent nurse is working in her employer's office when she notices how chilly it is. She turns to the doctor and asks "Should I turn up the temperature in here?" The doctor- a very short-tempered man- says "I don't know. It all depends on what type of clothing our customers are wearing," in an attempt to brush her off. The nurse replies, "Well, what type of clothes are they wearing?" Irritated, the doctor peers out into the waiting room. He replies, "My patients are wearing thin."

What did the scientist say when he discovered the lowest possible temperature?

OK

What's the temperate inside of a ton-ton?

What's the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

How do you take a lion's temperature?

Carefully

Finally figured out why babies shiver in the moments after birth

It's all about being acclimated to the womb temperature.

mother's milk

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the
cat can't get it.



He got an A.

Living in the Midwest, the temperature is going from -30 a few days ago to 60 tomorrow

Stupid bi-polar vortex

What happens when the temperature drops during a torrential rain?

The weather goes straight to hail.

What is the average temperature of a Tonton?

Lukewarm

How to make Temperature jokes?

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