Temperature Jokes

152 temperature jokes and hilarious temperature puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about temperature that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Humor doesn't have to be low temperature! Get ready to laugh at these hot and cold temperature jokes that will make you hotter than body temperature! Puns about colder than usual temperatures and lukewarm jokes about room temperatures will make you shiver with delight! Break out the thermometer and get ready to take a break from the heat with these temperature jokes!

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Funniest Temperature Short Jokes

Short temperature jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The temperature humour may include short heat jokes also.

  1. I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s: The people, the temperature, and the average IQ.
  2. How to solve Global Warming: Convince republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.
  3. Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? .
  4. I ordered a Hawaiian Pizza today, and it was burnt. It should have been cooked at aloha temperature.
  5. Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.
  6. How do you solve climate change? Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.
  7. Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes
  8. Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza? ###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...
    I know where the door is.
  9. if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K.
  10. In what way is ice cream like a first date? You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

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Temperature One Liners

Which temperature one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with temperature? I can suggest the ones about altitude and peed.

  1. I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is.
  2. Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
  3. How warm is a janitor's closet? Broom Temperature.
  4. My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C Don't worry though, he's 0K.
  5. What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke Warm.
    May the 4th Be With You!
  6. Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun? Luke warm
  7. I have a temperature of -273.15°C Don't worry. I'm 0K
  8. Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.
  9. What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature? Yourmometer
  10. My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition.
  11. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should've used aloha temperature
  12. What do you use to take a cow's temperature? A thermoometer.
  13. I love Florida everything is in the 80's The temperature, the people, and the IQs.
  14. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night I should have put it on aloha temperature
  15. I need you to make a container with finite temperature and infinite volume No pressure

Room Temperature Jokes

Here is a list of funny room temperature jokes and even better room temperature puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common? They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.
  • A necrophiliac would say: "I like my coffee like I like my women... room temperature.
  • My IQ really is room temperature Its 120F please help me i'm dying
  • My new thermos is incredible... Four days ago I filled it with room temperature water, and it's *still* room temperature.
  • Researchers in Canada have reported finding a superconductor that they say works at room temperature.
  • [WARNING, spoilers ahead!] 1.) Storing milk at room temperature
    2.) Grandparents
    3.) Black people in a movie theatre
  • I like my women like I like my cheese Blue, a little below room temperature, and easy to slice
  • I quit smoking cold turkey. I now let it sit at room temperature for 30 minutes first.
  • No matter what temperature your room is.. is always room temperature
  • You think you're cool... But you're just room temperature.

Cold Temperature Jokes

Here is a list of funny cold temperature jokes and even better cold temperature puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures? They don't want their nuts to freeze off.
  • What do you call a sandwich that is not well-liked at cold temperature? A BRRRRR GRRRRR!
  • The temperature is so cold outside... that if you make your girlfriend wet, you also make her hard.
  • Showerthought: My lukewarm beer and my ice cold coffee have the same temperature. Maybe I should stop getting drunk at 9 am.
  • Cold weather makes my hands go numb. After the temperatures get extremely low, they're just numbers.
Temperature joke, Cold weather makes my hands go numb.

Body Temperature Jokes

Here is a list of funny body temperature jokes and even better body temperature puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A few months ago my friend got ill and his body temperature dropped to -273.15°C Luckily he turned out to be 0K
  • If your body temperature decreased to -273 C°... will still be 0K.
  • Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources? No hom(e)o(stasis)
  • What is the internal body temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm
  • I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero. He said I'd be 0K
  • Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.
  • I'm so ill, my body temperature is 39° celsius One more celsius and I'm votka!
  • I can describe my height and body temperature in one word: Fahrenheit.

Hot Temperature Jokes

Here is a list of funny hot temperature jokes and even better hot temperature puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to a hot spring today. Their water temperature was too low. It was a tepid experience.
  • I met a girl who was looking hot and I said to her: Your temperature is high today,as usual got weird reaction.
  • My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby. I said, "It's likely w**...-temperature."
  • My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I said, Nah, it's probably w**... temperature.
  • My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, Nah..." "I's probably w**... temperature!"
Temperature joke, My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted he

Hilarious Fun Temperature Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about temperature you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pressure jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make temperature pranks.

What do you do when your mother in law keeps b**... on the window?

Raise the oven's temperature.

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

What temperature do you bake two pies?

360 degrees

What is the temperature of the average coffin?

6 Below

What's the internal temperature of a Ton-ton?


Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak...

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They've been out all day, and the sun's setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks. This just goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?


What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.
^^im ^^sorry

If brand slogans were honest...

Hallmark: When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.
Ritz crackers: Tiny, edible plates.
CliffsNotes: They're still going to know you didn't read the book.
Gillette: We're just going to keep adding blades.
ChapStick: You'll misplace it before the tube's empty.
Hot Pockets: Every bite is a different temperature.

The sun was coming up. Adam & Eve had just spent the entire night ...

... having glorious unadulterated s**.... Eve decided to go wash up in the river close by. Just as she dipped her toe in the water to feel the temperature, she heard a thundering voice, "Do NOT go into the water!". Eve shrugged, and thought to herself, "What's the worse that could happen?". She waded into the water waist deep.
.... Another thundering voice came from the sky, "Now i'll NEVER get the smell out of the FISH!".

This guy's doctor tells him he needs to stop m**.... Guy asks why.

"Because I'm trying to take your temperature."

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

I used to smoke w**... in the 90's

Now I don't care what temperature it is

Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend

Non existent, but I hope every day.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter
From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

w**... temperature.

What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?

w**... temperature.

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?


Call me the temperature

Because tonight I'm dipping into the teens

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

I ate so much sushi today

My mercury levels were so high I knew the waiter's temperature when he brought the check.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

My Dad and I walk outside in sub-zero temperatures, and he's wearing a t-shirt.

Me: "Dad, it's really cold, don't you want to wear a coat?"
Dad: "I'm just exercising my second-ammendment rights."
Me: "........."
Dad: "My right to bare arms."

What's the average temperature of tattooine?


There has been some controversy lately...

...about what would happen if you put a lightsaber in water. Would it break? Would the water heat up or cool? Recent scientists have discovered the water will heat to about the internal temperature of a tauntaun...luke warm.

Did you hear about who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He is 0K now!

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I've never heard him complain

My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.

So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

What's the temperature of a light saber?

Warm Warm

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm
Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40° C.

I just burnt myself making Hawaiian pizza

I should have put it on Aloha Temperature.

It's significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I've read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

What's the temperature in a taun taun?

Credit to my friend James for that.


Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.
And came home with two cases of beer.

My uncle died of hypothermia. Robbers took him and locked him inside a freezer of which the temperature was just slightly below 4 degrees.

It was the worst case of 3rd degree m**... I've ever heard of.

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature

Everything in Florida is in the 80s

The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.

How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?


Temperature joke, How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?

jokes about temperature