Tells Story Jokes
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Funniest Tells Story Short Jokes
Short tells story jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tells story humour may include short story telling jokes also.
- When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
- I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
- My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident I told him to spare me his Saab story.
- Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies".. Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.
- As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, tooth fairy and Santa I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD
- If you tell a really incredible story about making money... It's an incomparable income parable.
- What the difference between a Redditor and a fisherman? When a fisherman tells a story, there's usually an element of truth to it.
- Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow" But that's a story for another day
- When a girl tells her friends that she dated a guy, it's called Kiss & Tell . But when a girl tells her friends that she dated me, it's called Coming forward with your story .
- Every time I go to a new chiropractor Every time go to a new chiropractor I have to tell them my twisted back story.
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Tells Story One Liners
Which tells story one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tells story? I can suggest the ones about tell tale and story based.
- What stories did Vikings tell their children? Norsery Rhymes
- Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
- Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest? I made it up.
- I was going to tell you a story about a rope But I'll leave you hanging
- What Kind of Stories do Cows Tell Their Children at Night? Dairytales
- JFK is back! He certainly has some mind-blowing stories to tell us!
- What kind of stories do big boats tell little boats? Ferry tales
- What does Michael Bay use to tell a story? Explosition.
- I hate listening to anesthesiologists tell stories. They always put me to sleep
- How do you make a skateboard? Tell boring stories while you're fishing.
- My girlfriend is not great at telling stories... I never hear the end of it.
- I'd tell you a tale about my swedish car.. But it's just another Saab story.
- If a Rastaman ever wants to tell you a story... Don't bother, they just Babylon.
- What kind of story does a rabbit tell? A fluffy tale.
- I could tell you a story about a Pencil But there's no point
Hilarious Fun Tells Story Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about tells story you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean short story jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tells story pranks.
There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech.
They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Fairy tales
A father is tucking in his son at night. His son asks him if he can tell him a fairy tale.
"Of course," the father replies. He begins telling a story, "Once upon a time..."
The son interrupts him, asking "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
The father says, "No, son. In fact, most fairy tales begin with the words, 'When I'm elected...'"
Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
Question about storytelling.
If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Why couldn't the Great Ape tell a story?
Because he doesn't have a tail.
A day in court....
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"
I asked a cousin-couple how they felt about their relationship.
The man replied "its a very personal story", but I i**... they tell me.
what is big data ?
College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"
I was going to tell a story about a Black Hole....
But it s**....
I watched a documentary on Jesus the other day.
It was brilliant. Never had I experienced such thought provoking story telling in a documentary.
I particularly enjoyed the end. I think they absolutely nailed it.
I spent last night shouting at my psychiatrist
Long story short he's convinced I have delusions of being a pony... I'd tell you more, but I'm a little hoarse.
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
So I'm on break enjoying a cigarette...
This busy body comes up to me and says, "You know those things will kill you!"
So I tell him that my grandfather lived to be 96 years old.
He replies, "Oh, did he smoke?"
"No he minded his own F-ing' business!"
*Old joke, but true story.
Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?
I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories
1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.
3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
What kinds of stories do dolphins tell around the campfire?
They're just ghost stories for all in tents and porpoises.
If 2 vegans are having an argument....
True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.
Did you see the story about the missing dolphin?
I'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise...
So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down
But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories
I was going to tell you about the people in the apartment upstairs...
But that's another story.
Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...
So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'
What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us?
It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.
Manatees
A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"
An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.
This time to a f**... director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down.
I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.
Did I tell you guys about the guy who attempted s**... from the top floor of my building?
I thought he was gonna live but that was a different story.
The dwarfs from Snow White want to tell their story
They've signed a seven-figure book deal
A son asks his father
A son asks his father, "Dad, how is Burt's Bees chapstick made?" The father looks at him and says, "Well son, let me tell you a story about the Burts and the Bees."
I was going to tell you all about this car I used to own.
But who wants to hear another SAAB story.
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother...
They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
A grandfather is telling his grandson war stories...
Grandfather: Did I ever tell you about the time we destroyed the opposing forces?
Grandson: I don't think you have...
Grandfather: it was hundred to two... Clearly outmatched. But we destroyed them both!
A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building
One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.
To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.
"I think I left the keys in the car."
Have you ever heard the one about the landscaper who lost everything after his wife left him and his dog died?
No?
Maybe I shouldn't tell it. It's a sod story.
My friend from the middle east was telling me his story about how he left his home country. The story is rather short , all he said was...
Iran away.
I asked my dad how I was born
Me: Dad, how was I born ?
Dad: It's a really long story
Me: (all excited) Tell me..I wana hear it
Dad: Once upon a time, it was a cold night and all the pharmacies were closed....
A cosmonaut's s**... story
I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"
Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?
Iran.
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.
People in wheelchairs
Today my friend was telling me all about how he works helping people in wheelchairs move around, moving them from one place to the other, and helping them get to their destinations.
It was a moving story.
Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)
Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
Do you think when Caitlyn Jenner tries to tell badass stories to her kids they see right through her?
Because she's transparent?
*ba dun tsk*
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories
One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"
The Oxymoron poem
Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.
I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon
But nobody buys it.
Young Boy : Grandpa, tell me a story of your childhood
Old Man : Hmmm...when I was young, I could go to a store with 50 cents and get myself candy, toys, and bread.
YB : wow that must've been fantastic. What about now?
OM : Sigh, times have changed. Nowadays with those darn cameras everywhere in the store, its practically impossible to do so anymore.
A man says to a doctor I'm scared off back stories
Doctor: tell me how this happened
Man: well it all started back when OHHHH NOOOOOO
Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest v**... ever?
She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"
A ghost of a dog walks into a bar. He tells the story of how he was shot to bits and lost his tail. After asking if there was anyone to sew it back on the barman replied...
"I'm sorry, we don't retail spirits here"
I'm not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...
I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn't very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a s**... favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn't think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling
The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..
.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a v**... anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"
A man and his cheating wife
The mans wife tries to think of a funny way to tell her husband that's she's cheating on him with his best friend.
John, have you seen Toy Story?
Yeah of course, that's random, why'd you ask? he replies.
She confesses -
Because you've got a friend in me.
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...