The Best 63 Tells Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Tells jokes. There are some tells walks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these tells tell puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Tells Jokes and Puns
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you
What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.
I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"
A woman is playing golf...
... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:
Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."
Man: "Where were you stung?"
Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."
Man: "Your stance is too wide."
My Favorite Math Joke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.
Playing Oregon Trail.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
You can explore tells finds reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tells calls dad jokes. There are also tells puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
Bros v. Hoes
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
Eight year old tells funniest joke
My eight year old cousin told me this one:
Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?
Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
A banker, a worker and an immigrant
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.
her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A son walks up to his dad
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.
He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive
Trying to act surprised.
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar
The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."
He leaves without resistance.
My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"
I know he means well...
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
You meet a man on the Oregon trail...
You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.
The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin"
The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Women are discussing their sex life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's HIV Positive?
Try to act surprised
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
What not to put in one's mouth
One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.
The teacher says, That is correct, but why?
Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
The Bible tells us to love each other.
The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door
The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. Terry?! you say laughing, Terry's a girls name! Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin' Terry :(
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer.
Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.
A strong boxer
has a foam board to practice on.
He punches it 10,15,20 times in a row, so hard that each punch makes a crater in the foam.
After he finishes practice, he turns to an imaginary audience, shows them the board, and tells them
"here's the punchline"
Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...
...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.
\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?
\- This one, young man?
\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!
\- No problem, dear!
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
\- See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the phase line!
An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears
"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat there is a really good looking man standing on the porch. Woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, leans i and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?
Cabbage.
What do you call a man who tells it how it is?...
...Frank.
A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."
"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"
"Two."
A secretary tells the therapist "you have a new patient here"
Secretary: He wants you to help him because he believes he's invisible. He doesn't have an appointment, though.
Therapist: "No appointment?! Tell him I can't see him."
I don't know how to help my friend....
I don't know how to help my friend.... he's addicted to drinking brake fluid.
When I confront him he just tells me he "can stop any time he wants."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tells runs jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working tells warn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.