tells Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious tells stories

What are the best Tells puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Tells? Well here is a complete list of Tells to have fun with:

Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,

he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven...

...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."

The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."

St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"

The guy: "About 5 minutes ago!"

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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

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A lady walks into a bar…

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"

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Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

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Open and Shut

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

Think about that, the lawyer says. The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

Guilty? says the lawyer. How can that be? You were all watching the door!

Most of us were watching the door, says the foreman. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.

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First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

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Incorrect usage of the word 'Fuckin'

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick - How you doing?

Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He tells 'em - Your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.

They say "Prove it."

Mick shouts "Bob... both of them?"

Bob shouts back "Of course!! Whats the point of fuckin one?"

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Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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bright orange penis

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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A farmer has an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore porn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with porn 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to the cows afterwards. Sure enough, the bull jumps on the first cow he lays his eyes upon and starts humping like a champ as the farmer watches in joy, which quickly turns into horror as the bull pulls out and proceeds to cum all over the cow's face.

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My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.

I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"

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A woman is playing golf...

... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."

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So a man went to a whore house

A man visits Japan and his buddy tells him about this whore house on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervous he knocks on the door.
A little eyehole opens up, "what."
The man answers "I want to get fucked"
"Slide $20 under the door."
The man slides a $20 bill under the door and waits.
After a few moments, nothing happens.
The man knocks again, angry.
"What this time" the man behind the door says.
"I said I want to get fucked!"
The man behind the door answers "Again?!"

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In Soviet Russia

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.

The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.

The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

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Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

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I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back
in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

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A man in in a supermarket in Florida tries to buy half s head of lettuce...

Β but the very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Β Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."Β As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."Β The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Β Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"Β "Canada, sir," the boy replied.Β "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.Β The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."Β "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."Β "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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A man offers a woman 100 dollars for sex.

He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have sex with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have sex with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"

The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the floor. I can do whatever I want with you until you pick up 100 dollars. That seem fair?"

The girl says "Let me call my boyfriend and see what he thinks." The girl calls her boyfriend and tells her the deal he says "Yeah just pick it up, he won't even be able to get your pants off. Call me once you have it." The girl friend hangs up and agrees to the mans offer.

The boyfriend waits patiently at his phone for 15 minutes, then 30, then 40 and his girlfriend hasn't called him back. He calls his girlfriend and hears heavy breathing and yells "Why haven't you picked up the money yet?!"
The girlfriend exclaims "He had it in quarters!"

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A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

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A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.







[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

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The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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A man with a speech impediment walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender, "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?"

"Certainly" replies the bartender.

"I used to have an extremely bad stutter. It had to do with low-sexual self confidence. You seem like a nice guy so I'll tell you the secret to overcoming your stutter."

So the bartender tells him that every day for a week when he went home he got his wife to give him a blowjob.


A week later the same man walks into the bar. "Can I have a B,b,b,b,b,bloody Mary?" he asks.

"Weren't you in here last week?" the bartender asks.

"Y,y,y,y,y,yes I w,w,w,w,w,was." he replied

"Didn't the cure I told you about work?"

"N,n,n,n,n no it d,d,d,d,didn't w,w,w,w,work. B,b,b,b,b,but you have a nice house.


One of my father's all-time favorites

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A woman is out playing golf...

...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.

"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"

"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.

"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother in law, and all the rest of your family, you can die in peace."

With his last breath, the old Chinese man, struggling to make his voice heard says:

"If everyone is here, then who the fuck is minding the shop?".

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Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinner."

The man replies "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

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The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Having sex with the teacher

Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we'd played a few holes when my wife hit a drive that sliced and drifted over into the dairy's pasture. All four of us searched and searched for that ball, but couldn't find it anywhere. Just as we were about to give up, I noticed something white under one cow's tail. I lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball in the cow's vagina. So, I pointed at it and said 'Hey honey, this looks like yours'.....

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A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

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A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

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Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.

Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!

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A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. He decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it...

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She then tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."


The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."


The man thought hard and long about how each of the women had spent the money, he then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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Catholic Joke

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best tells jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty tells gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these tells jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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