Telling Jokes

What are some Telling jokes?

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique PeΓ±a Nieto.

My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap...

It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.

Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."

I said,"please don't,I can change."

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in

"I want to be a history major," he says.

The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

I remember my mother telling me, I have no favorite child.

Harsh seeing as I'm an only child.

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.

After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.

'I give up'

The Englishman smiles and walks off.

[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

A kid and a clown are walking through the woods.

The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"

The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."

Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes, I'm not kidding you.

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."

She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

Good eyes

A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husbband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?

The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I suck telling jokes..

Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation.

I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.

I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.

This joke has to be told to someone in person

This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .

The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you

The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

My dentist told me to open up....

so I started telling him how depressed I was.

I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

My pharmacist thinks I'm a pedophile.

He keeps putting labels on my pills telling me to keep away from children.

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
You beep when you sleep.
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

Father, I must confess I've been having sex with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.

Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.

Man: I'm Jewish

Father: What are you telling me for then?

Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.

My grades are telling me to be a trophy wife but my looks are telling me to study harder.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

His Girlfriend just broke up with him.

After a long day at work he comes home to find more bad news. He walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a backpack.

He asks "Honey I had a bad day at work please don't leave me"

She replies "You don't think I would have found out would you? People are telling me that you're a sick pedophile"

He angrily replies "OHHHH Big word coming from a 12 year old"

edit **thanks ctechastronomy

Most Fascinating Part of the Body

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"

I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do

"Take out the trash"

"Do the dishes"

"Clean the litter box"

Why did I get married?

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

I always thought the brain was the most important organ...

... then I realized what organ was telling me that.

There are TWO kinds of people in this world:

People who are good at math, people who are good at telling jokes, and people who aren't good at either.

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

I got an email telling me that it was vegan month...

I felt bad putting the message in spam.

How to make Telling jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Telling to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Telling? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Telling pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes