telling Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious telling stories

What are the best Telling puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Telling? Well here is a complete list of Telling dad jokes:

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be saved or else I would burn . I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '

**WHACK**...**she spanks him**

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like "Oh God, oh god…"
The Positive Orgasm goes "Yes, yes, oh yes, "
The Negative Orgasm goes "no, no, oh no"
and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes "Oh *insert the name of whoever you are telling the joke to*"

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I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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A woman was in a coma,


and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

*Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

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A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar...

...and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."

Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."

The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

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The first joke I remember my father telling me.

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?"

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blinds?"

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Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see it, so I went to the door to check if any adults were coming, then I whipped it out for everyone to see.
Eventually Susan ratted me out, and that's how I lost my teaching career.

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What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.

After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.

'I give up'

The Englishman smiles and walks off.

[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

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In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

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I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

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I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

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A request...

So I found out this week that my mom has Leukemia, and is going into the hospital either today or pretty soon there after to start chemo and then hopefully get a bone marrow transplant. I've decided to send her a video of me telling a joke a day to help keep her spirits up, but I know my library of jokes she would appreciate will probably run out within the first week. So please, post your best or favorite relatively clean jokes here! Jokes poking fun at Baptists would be especially appreciated. Thanks guys (and gals!)

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I upset a Jehovah's Witness at work today...

...he started telling me a knock-knock joke, but I wouldn't answer.

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Good eyes

A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husbband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?

The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".

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Medical School Joke

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

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Sexual Harassment

Tammy and Joe worked together at an office. One day, Joe walks by Tammy and says, "Your hair smells nice." Tammy thinks this is a bit odd, but lets it go. The next day, again, Joe walks by and says, "Your hair smells nice." Tammy is getting a little weirded out by this. The next day, it happens again, and Tammy's had enough. She storms to HR and says, "Joe is sexually harassing me! He keeps telling me my hair smells nice!" HR responds, "That's not really harassment. Why does it make you uncomfortable?" Tammy replies, "He's a midget!"

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Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"

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My pharmacist thinks I'm a pedophile.

He keeps putting labels on my pills telling me to keep away from children.

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Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

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Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.

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Everyone keeps telling me that I'm condescending.

It means I talk down to people.

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Pay Attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

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His Girlfriend just broke up with him.

After a long day at work he comes home to find more bad news. He walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a backpack.

He asks "Honey I had a bad day at work please don't leave me"

She replies "You don't think I would have found out would you? People are telling me that you're a sick pedophile"

He angrily replies "OHHHH Big word coming from a 12 year old"

edit **thanks ctechastronomy

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Most Fascinating Part of the Body

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"

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I got an email telling me that it was vegan month...

I felt bad putting the message in spam.

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The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.

Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A very poor man has very low self confidence...

because of his eye. He lost it years ago, and he can not afford to buy a glass eye. All he can afford is an eye made of wood. One day, his friend decides to try to help him up his self confidence by telling him about a party. The man is reluctant, but his friend insists. At the party, the man is standing there, feeling awkward and out of place. His friend comes up to him and points out a very fat woman and says, "Hey, you should go ask her to dance." The man decides to face his fear and go ask her. He goes up to her, and says "Excuse me, miss. Would you like to dance?" The woman's eyes light up and she replies "Would I? Would I!" The man walks away, and says "Fatass."

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Long joke.

A son asks his dad "what is the difference between fantasy and reality?" His dad said,"go ask the family if they would fuck Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars." So he did. He asked his mom and she said "Yeah! It's a million dollars." He asked his sister and she said "Yeah, he's cute." He asked his brother and he said "Yeah, who wouldn't?" After telling his father this, the father said "well, in the fantasy world, we would have $3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer. "

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impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.

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All anti-semites

Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"

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Chemistry Joke

I hate telling noble gas jokes there's never a reaction.

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Oversexed husband

A woman is telling her friend, "My husband is so oversexed, everything little I do seems to turn him on. Yesterday he saw me holding a cucumber and he lifted up my skirt and took me from behind right on the spot."

The friend says, "And you're complaining? I think that sounds great!"

"Well, me too, but the Safeway manager didn't think so."

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Why did Johnny fail his programming class?

His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"

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For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

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I love telling jokes...

But I always punch up the fuck line. Shit!

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best telling jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about telling. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty telling gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these telling jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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