The Best 85 Telling Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Telling jokes. There are some telling inform jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these telling old men telling puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Telling Jokes and Puns
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.
But I can't. I'm on a roll now
What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman
An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.
After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.
'I give up'
The Englishman smiles and walks off.
[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]
I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.
-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"
-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...
Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...
We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?
You can explore telling told reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean telling friend dad jokes. There are also telling puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...
Stupid firefighters.
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in
"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?
Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.
"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
Sex with a weatherman must suck.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.
The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.
Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.
[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...
One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap...
It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
Lord of the Bow
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
One day when I was young......
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A kid and a clown are walking through the woods.
The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"
The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."
I said,"please don't,I can change."
I remember my mother telling me, I have no favorite child.
Harsh seeing as I'm an only child.
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."
I know he means well...
Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...
And then a turn on again.
Stalin loses his pipe...
...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"
I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.
He just kept telling me it's private.
I'll never forget my dad's last words...
He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...
I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day
I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I'm not kidding you.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...
You want the milk pasteurized?
No, just up to my tits.
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."
So I took off her bra and panties.
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....
A full recovery
I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.
She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"
Stupid firefighters.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies."
"Well, he's bloody good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids
My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?
I said :- I am not kidding you .
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.
He says I should go home and support my wife.
My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….
I told him to stop letting me know. He's been a doctor for 12 years.
A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.
8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people
I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."
"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."
Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.
My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes...
Turned out to be a lox myth.
My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR
Soviet
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
A man comes home from church with two black eyes.
His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"
"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"
"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"
Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with…
What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
I must have been dreaming when I was making out with my girlfriend and she was telling me sweet nothings about wanting to get me off.
When i woke up she was yelling at me to get off!
A man and a little boy are walking into the woods...
... As darkness falls upon them, the little boy gets scared and says to the man,
"It sure is scary in here..."
The man says to the boy... "You're telling me, I gotta walk out of here alone!"
A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant.
I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.
Time to finally admit that I am a pushover…
At least that's what my wife's boyfriend keeps telling me.
Three gulag inmates
"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they're in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'
The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'
The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"
Anyways, I realised that I'm not good at telling dad jokes.
So now I tell jokes to mom.
How do you distress a leather jacket?
By telling it punk is dead!
My wife and I have decided we don't want children
We plan on telling them after supper
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the telling old jewish guys telling jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working telling old jews telling piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.