Following is our collection of funny Telling jokes. There are some telling inform jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these telling old men telling puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
But I can't. I'm on a roll now
An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.
After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.
'I give up'
The Englishman smiles and walks off.
[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]
-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"
-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?
You can explore telling told reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean telling friend dad jokes. There are also telling puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Stupid firefighters.
"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.
Their president is Enrique PeΓ±a Nieto.
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them⦠twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father⦠I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"
The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
I said,"please don't,I can change."
Harsh seeing as I'm an only child.
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
I know he means well...
And then a turn on again.
...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"
He just kept telling me it's private.
He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...
Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...
Me: Yes, I'm not kidding you.
They all disagreed with her though.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
You want the milk pasteurized?
No, just up to my tits.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."
So I took off her bra and panties.
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
She said no both times and blocked me
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
A full recovery
She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
Stupid firefighters.
"Well, he's bloody good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids
I said :- I am not kidding you .
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
He says I should go home and support my wife.
I told him to stop letting me know. He's been a doctor for 12 years.
8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."
Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.
Turned out to be a lox myth.
Soviet
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"
"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"
"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"
What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
When i woke up she was yelling at me to get off!
... As darkness falls upon them, the little boy gets scared and says to the man,
"It sure is scary in here..."
The man says to the boy... "You're telling me, I gotta walk out of here alone!"
I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.
At least that's what my wife's boyfriend keeps telling me.
"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they're in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'
The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'
The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"
So now I tell jokes to mom.
By telling it punk is dead!
We plan on telling them after supper
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the telling old jewish guys telling jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working telling old jews telling piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.