Television Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

I saw this advert in a window that said: Television for sale, Β£1, volume stuck on full. I thought.....

I can't turn that down.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the television.

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

There are three ways to spread news

telegram, television and tellawoman.

The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."

He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.

He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.

The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"

The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

a blonde and a redhead are at a bar

Enjoying a few drinks after work. The local news on the television is showing a guy a bridge threatening to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says "I bet you 20 bucks that he jumps". The blonde thinks about it for a second and agrees to the bet. They continue watch the program and the guy indeed does jump off the bridge. "a bet is a bet" the blonde says as she hands the redhead 20 dollars. Feeling guilty, the red head says "I'm sorry, I cant take your money. The same story was on the 6 o'clock news. They just re-showed it at 8. I knew the guy was going to jump."
The blonde replies " I watched the 6 o'clock news too! I just didn't think he would jump twice!"

Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

Another bar joke

A man is sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He hears "nice suit". He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He shrugs it off, takes another sip. He hears "nice shoes too!" Startled, he looks around again this time searching for hidden cameras, or a television or some explanation for the voice. Still nothing. A few minutes pass and he forgets about it again going back to his beer. He then hears "you're very handsome". A little unnerved he asks the bartender "man, I don't want to sound strange, but I swear I keep hearing this voice talk to me..." the bartender replies nonchalantly "complimentary peanuts".

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.

She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."

Considering his lovely angel's request, the man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, why not."

A second later... SMASH!!!

That fuckin' spider never even saw it coming.


props to /u/mongreloid , with minor editing from myself

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It's started…"

A man goes to a garage sale.

He walks up to a brand new 50 inch flat screen television for $1.

Man - "Is that TV seriously $1?"

Owner - "Sure is, even comes with surround sound!"

Man - "What's the catch then?"

Owner - "Well the volume is stuck on high and it's always going to be loud."

Man - "Well I can't turn that down!"

A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.

"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple visit the doctors one day complaining that they are both forgetting things. The doctor advises them to write down the things they need to remember.

Several days after the doctors appointment, the elderly couple are sat down watching television when the man asks, 'Margaret, would you mind making me a cup of tea?'

'Of course not', she replies.

'Don't forget to write it down, Margaret' the old man says 'You wouldn't want to forget it!'

'Don't be ridiculous! I won't forget a simple cup of tea!' she mutters, hobbling into the kitchen.

25 minutes later the elderly woman emerges from the kitchen carrying a full English breakfast.

'Here you go, Dear' the woman says, putting the meal on the mans lap.

'I knew you should have written it down!' the man chuckled 'You forgot the beans!'

A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.

No one expected the Spandex intermission.

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas shar to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

It has been proven that more Americans watch television

than any other appliance.

I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

I was wondering the other day...

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

Why is television called a medium?

Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done

Blonde tries to buy a TV.

A young blonde lady wants to buy a new Television. She walks into an electronics store, has a quick browse and picks the TV. She pulls the store clerk over and tells him she would like to buy that TV, he replies "Sorry, we do not serve blondes here".


The blonde is disgusted and offended, but she really wanted that TV. She goes home and dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store, she makes sure she finds a different clerk and attempts to buy the TV again, the clerk responds "Sorry, we do not serve blondes here".


The blonde, being extremely confused at this point, utters out "How do you know I am blonde? My hair is brown!"


To which the clerk replies, "because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".

Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Why aren't birds allowed to talk on television?

Because they have fowl language.

Struggle is

Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.

My new television is really hyperactive.

It's an ADHDTV.

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.

The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."

The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."

The Russian takes a long swig of vodka, blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."

The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"

"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more

So I turned the subtitles on

Difference between a newspaper and a TV.....

Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a television?

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

Rick and morty recently surpassed Big Bang Theory as the highest rated comedy on television...

In other news, apparently Big Bang Theory is supposed to be funny.

Quick before it starts...

A man comes home after a terrible day of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife, Get me a beer before it starts.

The wife sighs and gets him a beer and slams it down text to him. He looks at her from the couch and says, Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute...

The wife is furious. She yells at him, You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...

The man sighs and says, It's started...

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we're the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

So a son comes home to find his father watching television...

- Son: ''Hey dad, some chick just told me I looked hot!''
- Dad: ''Oh yeah? And what psychiatric institution was she from?''
- Son: ''Same one as mom, I guess!''

huehuehuehue

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

Well that was quick

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds! Good, replied his wife. Now you know how I always feel.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

"Adam Ruins Everything"

...including quality television programming

A man is walking down the street and sees another woman selling a television

He asks the man how much for the television, and she says: "one dollar"

"Only a dollar? That's really cheap, how come?" asks the man


"It's so cheap because volumes turned all the way up you can't adjust it stuck that way."

The man says, "wow only a dollar, I can't turn that down"

I oppose all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

(credit to monty python)

I was quite an upbeat child

I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

I'm tired of all this sex on the television.

I keep falling off.

You've heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

Finals be like.

**EXAMINATION COUNCIL OF ZAMBIA**

SPECIAL PAPER 6

Time: 15 minutes.

Answer all questions. Do not turn this paper until you are told to do so. Each question carries 10 marks.

1-Black is a color and white is also a color, but black and white television is not a color television. Discuss, 10 marks.

2-1f soap and water makes the body clean, then what makes the towel dirt after bath? Discuss, 10 marks.

3-Can you trust a nurse whose husband sells coffins? Discuss, 10 marks.

You are free to use a calculator

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.

Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

Two television antennas got married...

The service was a bit confused, but the reception was fantastic πŸ˜‚

You should never let your children watch the symphony on television.

Too much sax and violins

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

I hate all this sex on the television

I keep falling off

The NSA doesn't understand public television

Why do people enjoy watching Mr. Rogers so much when they could watch the entire neighborhood

Why is Television called a "medium?"

Because it is neither rare nor well done.

I just found out today that they don't have television in Afghanistan...

probably because of the Tele-ban...^Taliban, ^get ^it?

I saw an advertisement today that read, Brand new television for sale, $1!"

However, there was just one catch, the volume is stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi..?

Dubai don't show The Flintstones on television but Abu-Dhabi-do!

My wife and I are done with all this sex and nudity on the television.

It's just too hard to do it when we keep falling off.

Dwayne Johnson's new television show on the food network

Can you cook what The Rock is smelling?

The owner of Rachel Dolezal's tanning salon is releasing a "tell all" book...

...among the many juicy details revealed is Professor Dolezal's favourite television programme... Orange Is The New Black.

Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

Why are there no foreign language channels on French television?

Because one English Channel is quite enough.

Why are there no Televisions in Afganistan?

Because of the taliban

Why wasn't the orchestra allowed to play on television?

It contained too much sax and violins.

Game of Thrones will be coming later than expected in 2019.

I guess the television shows are closer in spirit to the books than we originally thought.

I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends.

I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix

Which famous television host is renowned for her kindness?

Ellen DeGenerous.

I was having a wonderful conversation with a woman...

Until I asked her if she liked BBC. I was referring to British television, but apparently she wasn't and stormed out.

Why can't the show COPS film with the LAPD?

Because snuff isn't allowed on television.

What is a children's television show centered on the imaginary adventures of comatose Christians be called?

Veggie Tales!

Veggie Tales!

Veggie Tales!

A man who has been having terrible headaches goes to the doctor with his wife...

...the doctor examines him and afterwards takes his wife aside. The doctor confides in the wife that the man has a terrible strain on his body and will die if undergoes any undue stress. "That means," the doctor says, " you can not let him do any chores around the house. You must let him watch what he wants on television. He needs to be kept in a state of relaxation at all times. If he needs something you bring it to him, if he asks for something, he gets it. He should be kept in his favorite chair, with his favorite food and favorite things all around. Sex is right out, except for you giving him oral sex when he wants it. Do you understand what all this means?"
The woman, shaken replies, "Yes, doctor, yes I do." She thanks him and collects her husband.
Once in the car, her husband asks, "So, what did the doctor tell you?"
The wife looks at her husband and says, "Honey, you're going to die."

Why do Televisions have buttons?

because they cant have zippers

Easily the best jokes of 2014.

Television is dying out.

The internet is the growing essence of this new age.

So they thought they could change the internet the same way they used television.


Haha. So funny.

What are the funniest television jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Television? Well, here are the best Television puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Television pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes