Television Jokes

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on television.

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common.
So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

Chuck Norris doesn't Tivo television programs.
They come on when HE wants them to.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I was wondering the other day...

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

Easily the best jokes of 2014.

Television is dying out.
The internet is the growing essence of this new age.
So they thought they could change the internet the same way they used television.
Haha. So funny.

So a son comes home to find his father watching television...

- Son: ''Hey dad, some chick just told me I looked hot!''
- Dad: ''Oh yeah? And what psychiatric institution was she from?''
- Son: ''Same one as mom, I guess!''
huehuehuehue

The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Difference between a newspaper and a TV.....

Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a television?

Why wasn't the orchestra allowed to play on television?

It contained too much sax and violins.

Why are there no foreign language channels on French television?

Because one English Channel is quite enough.

The owner of Rachel Dolezal's tanning salon is releasing a "tell all" book...

...among the many juicy details revealed is Professor Dolezal's favourite television programme... Orange Is The New Black.

I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends.

I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix

Which famous television host is renowned for her kindness?

Ellen DeGenerous.

Unprecedented Hidden Camera : The Boy Prank ( 02/14/16 )

Catch made ​​by SBT television network in partnership with the film The Boy.
Enjoy

I was quite an upbeat child

I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.
Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

What are four ways of spreading information that begins with "tel"?

Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.

Philharmonic orchestra

Why isn't the strings section of the orchestra ever televised?
Graphic violins.

I saw an advertisement today that read, Brand new television for sale, $1!"

However, there was just one catch, the volume is stuck on full.
I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

People who don't own televisions.

I'll never understand people acting all high and mighty because they don't watch tv. We get it, you're poor.

A man is walking down the street and sees another woman selling a television

He asks the man how much for the television, and she says: "one dollar"
"Only a dollar? That's really cheap, how come?" asks the man
"It's so cheap because volumes turned all the way up you can't adjust it stuck that way."
The man says, "wow only a dollar, I can't turn that down"

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

The NSA doesn't understand public television

Why do people enjoy watching Mr. Rogers so much when they could watch the entire neighborhood

As a Trump supporter, I am really disappointed by all these firing at the White House.

Why aren't the firing televised live on TV? And there needs to be some suspenseful music prior to finding out who is being fired along with like 12 commercial breaks that can help pay down the national debt.

I was having a wonderful conversation with a woman...

Until I asked her if she liked BBC. I was referring to British television, but apparently she wasn't and stormed out.

I am a television, and she is a remote control with no batteries...

She can't turn me on.

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

So a television walks into a bar,

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, PAL?"

Politicians like cable television

So many offerings and I still don't find any of it worthwhile

My girlfriend just told me she Needed more space

So I stole her television

Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

You've heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

What does Moses like to do in his free time?

Television

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

A woman calls 9-1-1...

A woman calls 9-1-1 and starts crying hysterically. After the operator calms her down, he asks what's wrong. The woman responds that her husband and his friends are in her basement, giggling at something on the television.
Confused, the operator informs her that what they're doing, while it may be annoying, isn't a crime.
The woman, angry, responds, "What the heck is manslaughter, then?!"

While my girlfriend was over, I said, I love you! You're the best thing in my life! I couldn't live without you!

Then my girlfriend came back from the bathroom and asked why I was talking to the television.

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

Joke from Slovakia

The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.
Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.
Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?
Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)